Manslaughter by MooMilk

Review by exoticbabylove

Title:

At first sight, the title is indeed a little overused and uninteresting, it doesn't grasp my attention as much, I would have missed your story if I had seen it on the latest updated page. It's honestly quite dull and I couldn't fathom what the story was about so it didn't have the 'attract' factor. However, after reading chapter 10 onwards, the title did have a strong connection with the story, especially in the latest chapter(chapter 12), the meaning of the title was shown and it made me very satisfied and interesting in the story.

Language and Writing Style:

Honestly, I would have enjoyed your fanfic more if it was more descriptive. The description given are all very brief and vague, so I'm unable to visualise the scene that you are describing at hand. It's quite hard reading it as I'm a big fan of vivid descriptions, do not be discouraged though, you can improve your writing a lot with simple solutions like reading more and learning more words and examples from writers. I'm sure you can do it.

Let me show you a part of the story where it can be improved.

I slap this boy in the face.

This sentence is very brief and awkwardly structured, it can be improved with descriptions, let's look how it can be improvised.

Edited Version: My hand ache with pain as it flew towards my target's cheeks, I couldn't resist the urge to slap him right in the face. As his cheeks reddened upon the sharp force, a satisfied smirk was plastered on my face.

Your writing style is complicated as you write in parts of the story, and you write a character’s perspective but never tell the character who you are writing about. When it’s Suho’s perspective, I thought it was the original character’s POV because it wasn’t stated, so I was very confused about this. A solution to this is to state “Suho’s POV” or another character’s POV. You have to be clear because your readers cannot read your mind and you must be able to express it through words.

Plot:

I can’t help but to question the realistic factor after reading chapter one, it’s questioning how Suho reacts and thinks after seeing a pretty stranger. It’s unrealistic as Suho was determined to find her because of her looks? Let’s think about it, we all see countless of strangers all day, and it’s no doubt that we will see a hot guy/girl. But we will never react like Suho right? These were the thoughts that were drifting in my mind when I read chapter one.

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