Only the two of us?|inspiritblackjack

Review by exoticbabylove

Title

As for the title, I was wavering whether it was a good one or not. It does have its pros and cons so I would like to list them out. Personally, I don't really like titles which are not having their words capitalized. You merely capitalized the first word and left the rest in small letters. You have to remember that all words in the title should be capitalized; so please do some changes after reading this review. Other than that, I still have to talk about the length of the title; it is considered long since there are five words and I will fancy a shorter title.

Next, if we talk in sense of appeal, the title did not attract me one bit when I read them word to word. Simply saying, it is a plain and dull title. To be qualified as a attracting title in the readers' eyes; the title should have a striking and unique word or just an adjective. However, there is no adjectives in your title, thus it looks dull to me. Honestly, if I have seen it in the latest updated fanfics, I will not click on it. Please do not be discouraged though, this is merely my opinion as a reader and I would like you to understand.

If we talk about the pros for your title, there is. Something did attract me so much when I saw the title; it was a question title. You were clever enough to use a question title that questions the readers. Interesting indeed; not much seen in the fanfic world too. So, I do have to say that I really liked it. I would have adore it more if you added some adjectives in.

Logicality

In fact, there are many things that sound unrealistic in the story. Let's take Jonghyun's death for an example. You said that he dated a girl and she wanted to walk to school with him; he somehow got hit by a car??? He was 10 years old at that time? That is so unrealistic. Firstly, you said Kibum was nine, so Jonghyun will be automatically a year older than him. Then, the unrealistic part comes. He was only ten year old at that time, how could he date a girl at such an age? I found this scene a little make-up as I am older than Jonghyun and obvious haven't started dating.

Language & Writing Style

For the language area, there were some mistakes that I spotted in the story. So, let's have a look at them.

-"The one that everyone feels pity for, but never bothers to help."

Personally, I do have speak up on some things regarding the description of the story. Firstly, I found that the description of the story was short. I did wish to see a prologue for the story to see how things gets heated up which is supposed to be on the foreword on the story but the thing is you don't have one. I do recommend introducing more about your story, maybe I should use the word 'advertise'. The description and foreword are similar to the blurb of a book. So, this is a key-point for you as it may determine if the readers choose to read on or not. However, I found some sentence structure errors in the description like the one above.

I wouldn't say that you write 'feels pity for', it just sounds weird; a weird combination of words to be exact. It should be 'everyone pities but never bothered to help out'. This will be better in terms of language as there is no such phrase as 'feels pity for'. 

As for your writing style, it sounds a little naggy when you wrote that irrelevant facts that could lengthen the description of the story. Let's take this as an example:
 

-Kim Kibum was always one of those kids. You know the ones I'm talking about right? Those kids who got bullied for no reason.

I found the bold sentence unnecessary and lost as to why you wrote that. Was it to lengthen the story? I don't need you to state the obvious as the readers didn't know what was 'those kids', asking is beating around the bush. So you should might as well go on to the main point.

-Kim Kibum was one of those kids; bullied for no apparent reason. 

I found this better as you shouldn't beat around the bush and can you see that you repeated 'for no reason' twice in just that small description of the story? You used it in Kibum's 'bullied for no reason' and Taemin's 'like for no reason'. I didn't like that as you were repeating phrases and that will dampen the story's atmosphere as well as make the readers bored after seeing the same phrase again when their distance aren't far.

I did find many spelling mistakes in your fanfic; so I recommend a spelling check done by you again. Let me give you an example:

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