Dreadful Interim|princessamy

Reviewed by Chey

Title/Summary

Personally, I have nothing much to say about the title as you have developed a lot as a writer! The pointers that I have mentioned in the previous reviews, you managed to keep them in mind and improved! I totally love the word 'interim' and how you managed to describe the interim; simply saying it was dreadful and I loved the length! It totally has the features for a potenial title! Great job! 

Now let's move on to the summary on the description and foreword of the story. Actually, I managed to spot the similarities in the stories' descriptions which you provided. I have to be frank that I wasn't a fan of lyrics from the start. I have to be critical here; song lyrics don't really give out the emotions you wish to depict for the readers. In my opinion, I really prefer to read descriptions and summaries from your heart directed with your own words instead of adapting from songs. Maybe you can try out a new way of starting a story as the lyrics part was a little dull to me and I only skimmed through them without looking into further detail. So, I do wish if you can try out a new way of summarising the foreword as the summary at the front page did not manage to appeal me.

Language

I have to be honest here, you should improve more on your language area as there are still mistakes revolving around the story. Let me show you those mistakes as an example so that you can find the similar mistakes when editing the story. Let's go!

♛The snow was like a white, fluffy, warm blanket lying closing the city. It should be "The snow was similar to a white fluffy blanket filling the city area." I would prefer something refresh without overloading the descriptions with too many similar descriptions. I would suggest not more than two descriptions for a word or object. Using too many description does not help as it will in fact cause sentence structures' errors in your stories. Like I said, the sentences with weird sentence structures sounds awkward. As for this phrase 'lying closing', I was so lost in your descriptions, they didn't make sense at all when you used two verbs back-to-back. Please be clearer in your words!

There are still many mistakes in your sentences. The root problem is how you phrase your sentences, the words you chose to 'represent' the story isn't correct and they're not matching together. To find those problems, I will suggest reading the finished product several times to spot the mistakes. In the whole story, I can spot about 85% full of awkward sentence structuring with wrong word choices. Please proof-read your story so that you can get rid of this problem. Let me show you a similar mistake I have seen and you should spot the similar ones after this review.

♛“This is the place we break up one year ago. I saw Yixing was strolling with her new girlfriend and I confronted him at that time. The answer that I got was ‘I want to break up’ from his mouth with the girl watching me from beside. I’m t