Review for When the Dragon Rises| RaichuLove

Story Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/457478/when-the-dragon-rises-fantasy-mpreg-taoris-baekyeol-sulay

To start off, I would like to say that I really like your title. It attracted me to read it. When I first saw the title, I thought it would be about fantasy or magics but I was wrong. Supposingly, I thought that the 'dragon' that you were referring to is Kris and questions started appearing in my mind. 

"Was that dragon really referring to Kris?"

"Why did he rise? Was there a certain problem that happened?

"How did he rise?"

After getting all these questions in my head, I have to say that I really love your title. It does not reveal what would happen in the later chapters, so I had that excitement to click on the story.

I found the description and prologue very interesting. It was short and sweet and really attracted me to read on. The summary introduced the main characters perfectly, so that was amazing in my opinion.

I have to admit that your plot and story-line is extremely unique. I have not come across such a story that would take place in the brothel, it is captivating as most of the fanfics take place normally in school, coffee shop or office setting. This setting is indeed a darker and gloomy place were secrets lurks in the dark. I can't wait to know what happened in the future.

When I finished reading the first few chapters, I can't help but to comment on this. I found that there is this problem which I want to point out. I have to conclude that you use too much dialogues in the story. I understand that you are trying to explain the situation at hand with both Lay and Suho talking but the whole chapter is full of dialogues.

Judging on the story, I can say that there is nothing major about your grammar as you can keep your story in the correct tense, you are able to tell when you are supposed to use past tense or present tense which many authors can't seem to be able to fulfill. But, the problem with your writing style is the usage of dialogues.

Have you heard of this sentence, "Too much of something isn't really a great thing." Yeah, I have to agree that dialogues can liven the story atmosphere and make the characters come alive but this is another problem. If you use too much dialogues, readers would find it dull and draggy and your fanfic would look no different from a play-script.

Sorry to say that but I do have a way to correct all these dialogues.

I would recommend explaining that whole lot of dialogues by writing in a narrator's point of view. This way is extremely unique and unheard of among writers in my school but I love it this way.

I'm quite lucky to be able to teach you this because luckily you did not focus on a specific person (like Tao, Sehun) point of view. Thus, you could apply to this technique quite well. I wouldn't say that it is the best way of writing. Many of my friends consider them as 'amateur' and 'awkward'. They find it 'baby-ish' but we have no choice right? 

This would be a part that I extracted from your story.

Original: "I'm sorry," Tao mumbled as he hung his head.

"There's nothing to be sorry about," Baekhyun said as he stopped and turned to face Tao. "You need your sleep. Your baby needs you to be well rested. Your baby doesn't need you to be tired and fainting all over the place because of exhaustion. Now, let's go back and get you settled in," he said as he turned back around and resumed leading Tao back to the guest room.

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