Penance

(Jessica’s POV)

I just got into bed when I heard the front door close.

That must be Kryssie… I’m glad she’s home.

I didn’t know why she snuck out without telling me or why she wouldn’t answer my text but I was definitely starting to get worried even though Taeyeon had reassured me that she was safe.

There was a knock on my room door.

Hmmm… maybe I should pretend like I’m sleeping and scare her…

“Jessie, you awake?” she said softly from the doorway.

I stayed silent, hoping that she would come closer.

There wasn’t any movement for awhile then I heard her walk towards me.

Yes! Once she gets close enough, I’m going to jump up and scare her!

She sat down beside me and then I realized that she reeked of alcohol.

Why you little rascal! So that’s what you’ve been doing with Taeyeon…?! Getting drunk…?!

“I’m sorry, Jessie…” she whispered as she took my hand. “I’m the world’s worst sister…”

It felt like the air in the room suddenly got heavier. What is she talking about? I decided to continue pretending to be asleep to hear what she has to say…

“You’re always so good to me and I feel like these feelings I have for you are betraying our sisterhood.”

W-What fellings…?!

“I’m sorry, Jessie… I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I just want these feelings to go away. I wish you can tell me how to stop this, Jessie. No, that’s not true. If I was really wishing for something, I’d wish we weren’t sisters. I’d wish that I can tell you that I… that I like you… that I love you… that I’m possibly in love with you… and that you could tell me that it’s alright… that you feel the same way. But we ARE sisters, and I CAN’T tell you that I have feelings for you, and it’s NOT okay to feel like this, and you DON’T feel the way I do…” she cried.

WHAT?! I couldn’t believe what I was hearing… Is she… is she confessing? Is she telling me that she likes me more than just like a sister? Did she just say that she’s possibly in love with me?! This can’t be happening. My heart started beating faster. I didn’t know what to do.

Kryssie was silently weeping. I knew this because her tears were dripping on my hand. Each drop of tears was like a knife piercing my heart. It was killing me that she was hurting and I couldn’t do anything about it. I wanted so bad just to throw my arms around her and tell her everything was going to be alright. But I couldn’t. I knew that the best thing for her right now was just to keep still and let things be.

“Why do you have to be my sister, Jessie?! It’s so unfair! I will have to live the rest of my life knowing that I can never be more than a sister to you. How am I supposed to bear that?!”

I could feel my heart shatter just hearing her say that.

“I’m sorry, Jessie… I don’t know how but I’m going to have to let you go. I can’t love you anymore. I have to try and get rid of these feelings. Until then, I might have to force myself to not care about you. Please forgive me and I hope that you’ll forgive me for what I’m about to do…”

Then I felt her press her lips against mine.

My heart was now pounding against my chest, so hard that I was afraid I might be found out.

Even as she kissed me, I could still feel her tears falling onto my face.

“I know you said that I kissed you before but since I can’t remember that… I just wanted one to remember…” she said as she pulled away.

She gently wiped off her tears from my face and got up to leave.

“I love you, Jessie but this is all I can’t think of to do right now… I hope you will be able to forgive me,” she said and then she exited my room.

Once she left, I wasn’t able to hold back the emotions that I was suppressing. I started to weep as well and my eyes flooded with tears.

Kryssie… my heart is breaking as well… I swore to protect you, whatever it took, but I’m starting to think that I want to be selfish instead…

(The next morning…)

I got up early because I couldn’t sleep. I was still thinking about what had happened last night.

I was in the kitchen fixing myself a bowl of cereal when Kryssie walked out.

“Ughhhh… My head hurts!” she complained.

“Are you okay? What time did you get home last night? I didn’t even hear you come in…” I lied.

“I don’t know. It doesn’t concern you anyway,” she replied dismissively.

I felt really hurt but I knew that she was doing it intentionally because she was trying to get rid of her feelings. I too had my own plan though, no matter what, I wasn’t going to let her get to me. I’m not going to be angry nor am I going to resent her for her actions.

“Did you want some cereal?” I offered.

“I can make my own breakfast, unni!”

“Why are you calling me that?”

“Because you are my unni, so I should call you that…”

Be patient Jessica! She doesn’t mean to hurt you…

“Are you coming home for dinner tonight?” I asked.

“No, I’m going out with my friends,” she answered.

“What time are you going to be back?”

“Don’t worry about it. I can take care of myself.”

“Well just be safe okay?

I reached out to give her a hug but she turned and walked away.

It felt like a slap in the face.