First Experience

Am I too naive to believe him? I don't know. Perhaps he is my first love. First love, the one who introduced you to a whole new world, who taught you lessons on what is love. Sadly, the one who made you experience your first heartbreak. I became paranoid. I could not care less at first, I was new, like a plain sheet of paper. But as times goes by, as I experienced more, I learnt of jealously. 

"Hey Hyun, I can't go back with you today. Got something on, see you back home alright?" That was what he told me yesterday. I was really curious to know if he was hiding something from me. And the only way to find out was to look through s phone, any traces left to give me assurance perhaps. 

'Oppa! Meet you at the cafe later! 7pm!'
'Yeah! See you! :)'

The classmate whom he told me he had puppy love on when they were still schooling. And he addressed her with a smiley face. What am I supposed to think? Why is he meeting another girl behind my back. Moreover, a girl whom he had a small crush on? Am I supposed to treat this as a friendly meet up? But why couldn't he tell me the truth. 

"Telling you will only make you sensitive, I did not want you to imagine things." That was his reason. I was tired of guessing games, tired of trying to scan through his phone afraid of seeing anything I did not want to.

"My colleague asked me to get this for her. She told me they only sell this here in Japan." He reasoned. It was our trip together for the first time. I guess he was being nice until I saw his Facebook message. 

'Going home alone. Quite scary!'
'If I did not have to fetch my girlfriend, I can actually walk you back since I'm nearby.' 
'Don't joke around! Your girlfriend might get jealous.'
'I am serious.'

I did not tell him I knew of all this. I was heartbroken, upset that he was flirting behind my back. I knew the girl wasn't his type, but his words, I thought they should only be for me.. It was tiring to be thinking this way, that he would be alright without me. Tired to be thinking that he might be talking to another girl right now behind my back. Is it worth it? Why is love so torturing....

It is true that I may be sensitive, but I was not like that. Not when he hasn't started lying to me. Was it my fault?

The depression was getting too much, I hated to show my emotions in front of my best friends. But one day, it got too overwhelming and I broke down.. Image of him being with another girl again kept hunting me. Him telling me that all was over because he found a new girl. Even if it was not true, the emotional stress I was facing was killing me inside. That was when I told myself...

I am worth more than this.