Donghae

Leeteuk slowly nods while he's at the phone, still talking to Kyuhyun.

All of us gathered inside the waiting room.

Silence.

Only Leeteuks voice when he answers to something.

I'm at the edge. One more centimetre and I'll mentally break down.

         But my heart is calm.

No fast pumping.

No hurting.

He loves me.

He told me.

He showed me and I trust him. Loosing him would mean loosing myself. He would never put me through that.

         My head isn't calm at all.

The reason tears start to fall down my cheeks.

I trust him. Not the other people.

"Give him a little bit more time. He'll call me soon." I say, more to myself.

Tears wet my lips. I taste the salt in my mouth.

They're not convinced. I can see it in the way they avoid my gaze.

Stupid... As if there's any possibility he won't come back to me.

Never...

Not even in my worst nightmares.

Which I have a lot of lately.

Right now it's cold in Korea. He ran outside. Did he take a jacket with him?

I never have to remind him to wear warm clothes. He knows how to look after himself.

But sometimes he can't think straight anymore.

When he's in a rush.

When he's nervous.

When he's afraid.

I can feel it. Right now he's lost. Like he has never been before in his life. And I want to hold him so badly it physically hurts.

Right here.

Where my heart is.

Where my heart starts pounding too fast all of sudden.

My breathing gets faster.

"Hae..."

A hand on my shoulder.

Who?

A warm pressure. "Calm down Hae."

"I'm calm."

"You're not."

"I just don't feel well all of sudden. I need... fresh air."

***

Leeteuk

I say Goodybye to Kyuhyun.

Shindong wants to follow Donghae who leaves the room fast but I hold him back.

"Let me go."

Donghae walks down the aisle, without a goal but with such a determination I'm hardly able to keep up with him. There's an open door which leads to a small balcony. He turns left, walks out and stops at the balustrade. I approach him and slowly put a hand on his back. He leans his elbows onto the balustrade and lowers his head. I draw circles with my hands on his back until I feel how his breathing gets slower.

"Feeling better?"

"If it's about my body, then yes. But the thoughts..."

"I understand."

I walk next to him.

There's a gentle breeze that runs over my face. It would be the perfect night.

It would...

"Hyung?"

"Hm?"

"I'm thinking about calling Chi Soo or Hae Ri."

Kyuhyun told me on the phone.

I feel stupid for not realizing the obvious earlier. Or better to say, the apparently obvious. There's still no final proof but deep inside I know that's just my mind, trying to come up with weak excuses so I don't have to think about how Hae will take this betrayal.

" You need to get answers."

"I know.", he lifts his head and looks to the dark sky. " Still I'm afraid."

"Who wouldn't be."

"So stupid...", he mumbles and a broken smile appears on his face. " You know what."

"What?"

"Hyukkie talked to me a while ago. How he thought that Hae Ri doesn't like him. And you know what I did?"

I just look at him while he keeps talking.

" I told him she's my friend and that it's not possible for her to dislike the one I love. I'm so stupid... I trusted her."

" Why do you keep talking about her? I thought Chi Soo..."

He chuckles softly.

I wince slightly.

There's nothing but purest sadness in it.

" I think Hae Ri liked me when we were younger. "

"What?"

" I never told anyone. Not even Hyukkie. It was way before him and I didn't want to bother him with the ideas I came up with. I never talked to her. It was just... quiet odd. You know, around that time some girls started to avoid me. And I grew quiet paranoid due to the feeling that someone was watching me. Everything just stopped soon after those feelings grew and I didn't think about it anymore. I left Mokpo and went to Seoul and I experienced so much support from both of them that every bad thought just vanished. And... ... why am I even telling you this?"

He lowers his head again.

I pat his shoulder. "It's okay. Just tell me."

" What if...", he stares at his hands. " What if it's Hae Ris doing.? Out of jealousy. Out of morbid jealousy..."

I bite my bottom lip.

There aren't many times when I'm lost for words.

Right now I am.

But I don't think there's anything I could tell him right now to help him. I can just be here and hope that my mere presence is supporting enough.

" I could get over it."

I prick up my ears. " Get over it?"

"Yes... I haven't seen them that much in the last years. I was dependent on them when I was younger, but now... As hard as it sounds. I don't need them anymore. If all of his turns out as a big misunderstanding I will throw myself on the ground in front of them and beg for forgiveness for these thoughts of mine. But if it's different... I'll be able to get over it. If my brothers are with me.", his eyes get teary again and he doesn't even try to cover it. . "If Hyukkie's with me I'll be alright. I don't need more. I promise."

The flow of tears won't stop anymore and when his shoulders start to shake I pull him into a tight embrace.

He clutches my shirt. " Hyung... I'm so afraid he won't come back. Please... bring him back to me."

"Shh... It's alright."

"It's not... and I know he's a grown-up and he's not stupid and he's most probably alright right now but even though I'm so afraid I feel like dying. I'm so stupid..."

I softly rock him.

"It's alright to feel like this, Donghae. It's perfectly fine. Just cry. As much as you want. You don't have to hold back in front of me."

"Thanks, hyung..."

The minutes pass.

Only Donghaes sobbing can be heard.

From time to time I pat his back.

I feel heartbroken. The members mean the world to me. To see them crying feels like a blow into my stomach.

And I promise myself to look after them way more than I used to.

A tune breaks the silence.

Donghae freezes in my embrace.

"Your phone?" I ask.

He nods.

I loosen the embrace, carefulnot to fully let go. I'm afraid he'll break down. He takes his mobile out of his pocket. I can see how his fingers are shaking.

" Who?"

He looks at the display. "Unknown caller."

His voice shakes.

"Answer it."

He takes a deep breath before he puts the mobile next to his ear.

"Hello?"

_________________________________________

So... my first year at university is over... I'm not satisfied with my marks but at least I got through and have the chance to improve next year :)

For now I've got holidays for two months. Need to go to work but even though it means more time to write :)

Thanks for reading ^^ Please comment if you have the time :D