I just edited a few things so it might be not that confusing anymore :)

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I shouldn't have met Donghae.

Like...

         Never.

I wouldn't roam on the streets at night.

And I wouldn't be soaked wet and freezing.

I wouldn't have to look up so the people around me think my face is just wet because of the cold rain. Or do I look up to convince myself I'm not crying? It's the rain that wets my face... A warm summer rain in the winter.

I shouldn't do this.

I should call him.

He's worried to death right now.

I'm sure of it.

But I'm afraid.

Afraid that this was too much.

Him telling me it's over. I won't be able to survive that.

________________________________________________________________

............4 hours ago

Eunhyuk

I was okay.

I just pushed all the thoughts away and concentrated on the upcoming performance with KRY.

It worked.

Until I entered the stage and started to rap my parts of Heartquake.

There were the hundred of lights, the soothing voices of the other members.

And me, whose eyes got wet behind the dark glasses I wore.

                   Always going up and down with our love easily at your lips.
         As a person, I already received a lot of pain from you

He never gave me pain.

Only the pain from loving him too much. But that's my own fault. A fault I don't want to correct.

But now.

After all of his actions made me addicted to him. After all of this time his love had enwrapped me. As if I lived covered by bubble wrap. And all the pain and worries and doubts just flew by without giving me too much trouble.

                            It's crying out to you ... if you tell me to die, I'll die
         I need you to live ... I even gave you all of my heart

I can't believe it.

It just can't get used to the fact that no stranger cut open my shelter. The mere thought of one of his friends being the culprit chokes me.

I can't settle my thoughts. I'm not able to anymore.

There's a carousel in my head, not allowing me to grasp one single thought for more than two seconds.

                                      Me, who looked at the one I truly loved leaving.
                   More than that ... the story that's like a sad movie ...

         My story.

The only thing I'm sure of are the tears streaming down my cheeks.

I'm done.

I need Hae.

I need to call him.

He will listen.

Even if he's angry.

He still loves me.

A lot.

I never doubted his love.

I just started to doubt my strength.

***

"Hyukjae."

"Hmm..."

I answer absent minded while trying to pull off my shoes at the entrance area of our dorm.

In the end, I keep wearing them.

I would give a lot for a few minutes of silence but trying to fool them is practically not manageable.

" I'll make us something to eat." Ryeowook says. He walks past me into the kitchen.

I nod even though I'm not hungry at all.

Kyuhyuns and Yesungs gazes that keep piercing through my back don't help at all.

"Let's talk, Hyukjae." Yesung starts.

I leave my bag next to the door and walk to the living room. " No need to."

"Kyuhyun told me--"

"No need to, hyung. Okay?" I try to smile but fail piteously.

Kyuhyun falls down at the sofa. " I know what's going on, Hyukjae. And I'm sorry for not realizing earlier. But everything makes sense now."

I stop my movements.

Strange.

It didn't even surprise me.

"You cried on stage. You really think those thick glasses you wore could fool me?"

" It's okay, Hyukkie.",  Yesung nods to the free spot on the sofa. " Take a seat for now. It has been an exhausting day for you."

" For you, too."

" I don't even want to compare our situations. Just do me a favour and sit down. Would you?"

I can't say no if he asks me like this.

I stay at my spot for a moment longer and finally give in.

"How are you feeling?"

" Why that emotional lately, Kyu? Are you  sick?"

"I'm worried."

"You're sick."

"Hyukjae... Stop it." He locks our gazes and bends forward slightly. " This isn't an easy situation. You crying on stage showed me once more."

"Kyu..."

"Let me finish first. I know you're tired. And you're confused and hurt and afraid. And you have all rights to be. But you have to face this. The problem won't disappear if you just ignore it."

" I know." I bite my bottom lip until it hurts, looking to the ground. I can feel Yesung next to me. His warm body touches my arm slightly. Not uncomfortable.

But still not enough. I want someone to hug me. But I can't ask right now. I wouldn't have to ask Hae.

" I just want to... talk to Donghae first.", I twirl the hem of my shirt. " My thoughts won't settle down."

Kyuhyun nods slowly. " That's not the worst idea. But first of all. Some things happened at the airport I want to tell you. "

"Let me call him first."

"Hyukjae..."

"Just a moment."

The urge slowly built up inside of me and now it's almost unbearable.

"I'll just tell him everything's alright... wait... just a moment..."

I stand up to get my mobile out of my pocket when it starts to vibrate.

I answer it without looking.

"Donghae?"

No answer.

Just slow breathing that seems to be louder than everything I've ever heard before in my whole life.

Kyuhyun

His face falls all of sudden.

I get up slowly, afraid I might scare him.

"Hyukjae?"

Suddenly he pulls the mobile away breathing heavily.

Yesung touches his arm.  "You're alright?"

The mobile vibrates again.

He answers it again, his voice shaking.

"Hello?"

"Hyukjae. Who is it?" I whisper when I realize his eyes get teary.

His arm falls back to his side and the mobile glides out of his hand. It fall to the ground.

I'm not even able to ask him anymore when all hell breaks loose.

There's the sound of my phone, shortly followed by Yesungs.

"Kyu... no..." Hyukjae whispers.

Too late.

I already answered it, awaiting someone to speak to me.

Nothing.

Only the slowly breathing that gives me the creeps.

"What the--"

I stare at my phone when Ryeowook enters the room, showing us a helpless expression.

"A strange person keeps calling me."

I turn to Yesung, but he's as clueless as me.

"What the is this?!" I cry out.

Hyukjae turned pale.

It might not be pale anymore. I'm scared he might get unconcious any second. There are ringing sounds everywhere, supported by Hyukjaes vibrating mobile on the floor.

"Kyu..." he stammers, hardly audible.

"Turn it off! Quickly!"

I knew it.

I ing knew it.

He reached his limit long ago.

There's silence.

For a few seconds.

And I want to sigh in relief when there's the tune. The tune that made Hyukjae going on the rampage for the very first time. I forgot about it. The phone next to the door. A rather old landline telephone no one really uses. And even if my reaction had been faster I wouldn't have been able to stop him. Everything happens too fast. The phone starts ringing and  Hyukaje freezes next to me. I want to talk to him, calming him but he moves all of sudden. The sound of a cable that gets torn out of the plug.

Ryeowooks cry.

The sound of bursting glass.

Hyukjae in the middle of the shards of the glass cabinet Heechul brought home from one of his travels.

He breathes heavily, looking at the ground. He swallows, opens his mouth as if to say something and closes it again.

"Hyukkie..." Yesung takes a step but he just shakes his head.

"I- I'm... sorry..."

"It's okay... Calm down."

"I'm so sorr..sorry..."

"Hyukkie..."

"I need to...", he shakes his head again, slowly backing off. " ...get out..."

With that he turns away and runs to the door way

Before one of us is able to react we hear the front door getting opened.

I'm the first one to gain back my senses. " Ya! Stop gazing ogf! Hurry up!"

Seconds later I'm out of the room and in the staircase.

But even outside, there's no sign of him.

Yesung and Ryeowook approach me, heavily breathing.

"He's gone."

I kick the nearest thing to me, a small can

"What should we do now?" Ryeowook ask with teary eyes.

I violently ruffle through my hair.

I'm lost for words.

Yesung speaks for me. "We need to stay calm for the moment. And we have to keep Donghae out of this, no matter what. Understood?"

I only nod, too occupied with not going crazy because of the fear that grows inside of me....

...2 hours later

                                    "Donghae?"

                                    "Yes."

                                   "What's the matter?"

                                         "Hyukkie doesn't answer my calls"....