Eunhyuk

I put the mobile to my ear and listen to the hooting sound. I already want to give up when someone answers my call.

"Yes?"

"Youngwoon- hyung. It's me, Hyukjae."

"Hyukkie! Why are you calling me that early? Is something the matter?" His cheerful voice changes into a concerned tone.

I take a deep breath. "I assume one of the others talked to you before. You know... about that incidents."

"Don't tell me something happened again?"

I knew it. The flow of information between the members is legendary.

"I don't want to talk about it right now.", I rotate with the swivel chair I found in the empty dressing room inside the building. " I don't really know why I called. Maybe I want you to cheer me up?"

He chuckles but it sounds so fake. " Shouldn't you talk to your boyfriend then?"

"Bad timing."

"Fighting?"

Kind of...

I didn't talk to him, also when the rest of the members came out of the building. Today I was the one to sit next to the driver. Heechul didn't even say anything. I stared out of the window the whole time, feeling Donghaes gaze from behind me.

"Yaaa, dongsaeng. You really want to torture him?"

"He's at fault..." I answer not too convincing.

Deep inside I know I'm not mad at him.

Not mad at him anymore.

It's more like not being able to face him... and that damn disappointment that just won't go away.

"You know he would never do anything to hurt you on purpose. That guy is head over heels for you."

"Let's not talk about him."

"Hmm."

Silence.

"Hyung?"

"Yes?"

"Imagine we're still in high school."

"Okay..."

"And there's this guy who bullies me a lot."

" A lot?"

"Yes, a lot. What would you do to him?"

"I'd beat the crap out of him. He wouldn't be able to see the sunlight ever again."

I smile half-heartedly. " That sounds great."

"Hyukkie?"

"Yes?"

He sighs deeply. " I'm sorry I can't be with you right now. I'll be back soon from military service and then I'll beat the crap out of that person for sure."

"..."

"Don't let it get you down. Promise me. "

I feel uncomfortable all of sudden. Can I promise that something won't happen that... already occured?

I take a look at my watch. "Sorry, hyung. Recording starts soon. I need to leave."

"You didn--"

"Sorry for bothering you, hyung. See you soon."

I hang up before he can say anything more, feeling the remorse taking over me. Calling him to cheer me up and than acting like this...

It's only morning and I'm already tired as hell.

***

The hot water burns on my skin but I don't intend to make it cooler.

For the first time today my mind is relaxing. Or at least feels like.

The recording took longer than I thought it would. It was already after 4 pm and then there were countless interviews we had to give. Somehow I'm proud of myself. I managed to smile throughout the whole thing.

Just like Donghae.

How my heart ached every time I looked at him. He's such a bad actor when it comes to hide his real emotions.

The hosts of the show invited us to dinner later but I declined politely and went back to the dorm alone. I could see how Donghae struggled about going with me or leaving me alone, but me still ignoring him seemed to help him to decide.

I bite my bottom lip until it hurts too much.

This is not what I wanted...

I need to talk to him later. There's nothing worse than not having him around me.

We don't have to talk about that picture. We don't have to talk about anything. I don't want him to think about it. Just want to feel him next to me... if it's not too much to ask.

A knock at the bathroom door pulls me out of my thoughts.

"Hyukkie?"

Donghae?

"Can we talk?"

I don't answer.

"Will you come out when you're finished?" he asks, his voice sounding so painful.

Sorry, Hae. The guilt devours me... I can't face you right now.

"Baby?"

"..."

It gets silent outside and I'm able to breath again, but then other noises get through to me.

What is he doi--

The door opens and he walks inside the steamy room. I can see the coin in his hand. He puts it into his pocket and closes the door behind him.

"Hae..."

"This is cruel, and you know it."

I try to get out of his sight to cover my body but he stands right in front of me.

"You'll get out anytime soon?"

He talks loud enough for me to hear him even if the water still crackles down on me but I don't answer him.

"You can't stay inside that shower forever."

" Hae... please..."

"I've seen you before.", he takes a step again. " You won't come out?"

"How could I right now?"

"Okay, than it's settled."

I stare at him in disbelief when he opens the glass door and steps inside the shower without hesitation and fully clothed.

"Hae..."

He closes the door behind him, already soaked wet. "Let's talk."

My cheeks, already reddish due to the hot water, become even darker. I try to cover my body. But when I look at him I see that it's not even necessary. He looks straight into my eyes and I can see the hurt in them.

"I told you: Never run away from me. Scream at me, hit me, insult me if you want, I don't care. But don't go anywhere when were like this."

"I--"

"And please... ", he lowers his head. " Don't be disappointed in me. Everything I do is to protect you. I never meant to hide things from you. But I can't promise I won't do it again. I can't allow something to hurt you cause you're everything to me. I love you. So much more than you'll ever know."

He's not crying?

Right?

He wouldn't...

...because of me?

" I'm sorry, Hae. I... I..."

He lifts his head and looks at me hopefully while the waterdrops still fall on him. The strands of his hair stick to his face.

" I guess...", I bite my bottom lip, feeling how teary my eyes get. " I'm... afraid. This morning... I wanted to get into my car.", I take a deep breath to hold back the tears. "And all of sudden I couldn't ... because I thought that someone manipulated it and...  I know I'm overreacting. But... Hae?"

"Yes?"

"This is kind of... too much for me."

He doesn't touch me. Just stands there, his gaze not leaving mine even for a split second.

I get covered in the warmth that spreads over my whole body only because of his eyes. His eyes in which I can see nothing but the purest love I've ever experienced...and will experience...

I bite my bottom lip, bite it so hard but still tears start to spill over my face. I wipe them away with the back of my hand and give up when my face still gets wet after the third time.

I cry...

Because I feel this great pressure that lingered to my heart finally vanishing.

And I cry...

I've never felt that completed. Because I'm blessed in a way I'd never thought I'd be. Because he's here, and I realize again how much I need him. How much he gives to me.  

I cry...

Not caring about how pathetic I must look right now.

I don't even care about stopping to cry.

"Hae... whoever it was... Whoever send you to me, whoever let me meet you. I'm thanking that person... I can't even describe how thankful I really am... so incredibly thankful I can't put it into words. Telling you I love you just isn't enough anymore... I'm so sorry for hurting you all the time... please forgive me."

I hide my face behind my lifted arm, pressing my face into the crook of my arm. My shoulders wince, I can't stop sobbing.

Then I finally feel his hands on me...

Donghae

So, this is it?

This is the feeling when everything finally falls into place?

The moment you know that you would give up everything... the moment you could give up everything...you want to give up everything just for that person?

And the moment you realize that there won't be another one for the rest of your life?

This is it...

I would give up everything...and I could give up everything. I want to give up everything if it just means I have you.

I fell for you before, Hyukjae. And I fell so hard I don't even get how I could get back onto my feet.

And I thought I already hit the ground until your words opened it up again, letting it swallow me.

I'm falling.

I'm falling for you, again and again, further and further and there is no ground to be seen because there's nothing.

There's no limit to how much I could fall for you.

There's no limit to how much I could love you.

I'm speechless.

But just because words wouldn't be able to show you what I mean.

I'm as flustered as you, my love.

He hides his face.

Stupid... crying over me when it's you whose worth tears of joy.

I'm embrace his shaking body, pull him closer, hold him tightly, kiss his cheek and taste his salty tears that get washed away by the streaming water.

"It's me who's has to be thankful, baby. I'm thanking the lord he made you, Hyukkie. Never forget that. Even if there'll be a time when I can't be by your side. Just remember: I'm thanking him, every second of my life."

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really cheesy... XD but I listened to Johnny Cashs "Thanksgiving prayer" and I literally started crying because it is so beautiful and than this text just happened to come out of my head^^