Ryeowook's POV

"Lixu, are you okay?"

I looked up and smiled halfheartedly when I saw my gege looking down at me with concern.

"I'm fine" I assured him turning back to the window I had been staring out of.

I felt the couch dip as Zhoumi sat beside me.  I turned to face him, waiting for him to speak.  He studied me closely before saying,

"I don't believe you.  Seriously, what happened?  You've been out of it since you got back from that party"

I looked down at my lap, debating whether I should tell him or not.  He nudged my arm and shot me a look that told me he wasn't going to leave me alone till I talked.  I sighed and nodded, it would have been impossible to hide it from him anyway, he was really perceptive.

"Mi, you remember how I told you I loved someone?"

He looked a bit puzzled but he nodded and waited for me to continue.

I looked straight ahead, trying not to meet his eyes.

"Well the party was celebrating his engagement"

I heard my friend gasp and I couldn't help but smile bitterly.

"Oh my God, are you okay?" he asked, searching my eyes with concern.

I smiled again, but this time it was sad.

"It hurt more than I thought it would..." I whispered as I felt my eyes prick with tears.

I laughed and wiped my eyes, but the laugh sounded false to my own ears,

"I knew this was coming.  Actually, I feel more guilty than anything"

"Why should you feel bad!?" my friend demanded angrily, "That son of a is the one getting married, you're the heart broken one!  him!"

I patted Zhoumi's shoulder, touched that he was so angry on my behalf.  It was like he was protecting me, it almost reminded me of my mother.

"I feel bad because this is all my fault.  He desperately needed me, but I left him"

"But didn't you leave him to protect him?" Zhoumi asked.

"That's what I keep trying to tell myself, but now I'm not so sure.  Remember when I first told you about him?"

I waited for him to nod before I finished my thought,

"You asked me if I ever considered the idea that leaving him hurt him more than my staying.  I always knew that staying with him would eventually cause him pain, but now I'm starting to wonder..."

Zhoumi reached for my hand and squeezed it, encouraging me to go on.  I swallowed the sobs that threatened to erupt from my chest.

"I-i think I was selfish.  It's true my staying would have hurt him, but I also knew that leaving him would hurt him just as bad.  I chose to leave because my own guilt was weighing on me, I left to spare myself pain..."

The damn holding back my emotions finally burst, and my body shuddered violently with the force of my sobs.  Zhoumi held me close, whispering soothing words in my ears and rubbing my back comfortingly.

"Lixu, I don't believe that for a second.  What pain have you spared yourself?  Leaving him hurt you just as much as it hurt him, and you didn't escape your guilt by leaving you've only intensified it.  Every day I see you subjecting yourself to a life you hate, and I know you don't see it this way, but I think you're trying to punish yourself.  Sweetie, you've experienced more pain than he could have ever had.  If you were selfish, you would have stayed with him.  So I don't want to hear anything else about you being a bad person.  You are one of the genuinely good ones, I know you don't see it in yourself, but it's true"

I sniffled and nodded numbly at his words.  He smiled, seemingly satisfied.  However, in my mind I refused to believe him.  How could I be good?  I sold my body, I slept with men for money, I did unspeakable things...

Worst of all, I had hurt Kyuhyun... wasn't that the most horrible thing of all?

**********

"Wookie!" I glanced up from the book I was reading when I heard Heechul call me.

"Yes hyung?" I asked.

I didn't know why my hyung wanted to talk to me.  After he heard of my condition, he refused to let me continue my job.  He allowed me to stay here without serving clients.  I was grateful to him, but at the same time I just felt weak.  Was I so pathetic that even my body was useless?

"Mr. Choi just called, there's another party tonight and he wants you to act as his date" I paled, but Heechul continued talking anyway.

"You must have really made an impression on him, he won't accept anyone else.  He already sent you a new outfit and~"

"No" I said quietly, interrupting him.  "Hyung, I can't go"

He sighed and sat down next to me.

"Wook, I don't really know what's going on with you.  Now I let you stop taking customers, but there isn't any reason why you should turn this job down.  I already told Mr. Choi that there will be no hanky panky... unless you want it"

I blushed and shook my head.

"That isn't it hyung, it's a personal thing..."

"Okay Wook, I'm not gonna push you, but you can't go on like this.  Are you just gonna lock yourself in your room and mope around for the rest of your life?"

"I promise I won't... I just can't go tonight, please tell Siwon I'm sorry"

Heechul sighed and ruffled my hair before he stood,

"You're lucky I love you"

I smiled up at him gratefully and watched as he left the room.  As soon as he was gone I flopped back on my bed and put my pillow over my face.  I screamed into my pillow, feeling frustrated and confused.

Part of me wanted to go to the party, to see him again.  I still couldn't believe he didn't recognize me.  However, at the same time I knew that seeing him would only hurt me.  Also, it was only a matter of time before someone recognized me.  Maybe Kyuhyun didn't recognize me at first, but what if he did this time?  Or what if Henry or Seohyun saw through my disguise.  No, it was too risky to go.

I pulled the pillow of my face when I felt someone sit on my bed. 

"Trying to smother yourself?"

I sighed and sat up, Zhoumi looked at me with raised brows.

"Shut up" I whined glaring at him mildly.

He chuckled and asked,

"So what's going on with you now?  I know you're not missing working"

I rubbed my temples tiredly and answered,

"Siwon wants me to accompany him to tonight's party"

Zhoumi nodded, understanding why I was feeling so messed up.

"God Mi, I want to go so badly, but I know I shouldn't"

"Just go"

I looked up at my friend is surprise.  he smiled and nodded reassuringly,

"You said he didn't recognize you, what's the harm in going.  No one will suspect you, they all think you're Lixu, Siwon's girlfriend.  Maybe seeing him will give you closure, he's getting married soon right?  Maybe seeing them together will help you move on"

I bit my lip, still hesitant.  Could Kyuhyun ever be happy with Seohyun?  I wanted to believe so, I really did.  I wanted to know that he would live happily.  If he was happy then everything would be alright and I would feel better knowing that I did the right thing.

It would break my heart all over again knowing he was with her, but it was worth it.  Everything I did was for him, if he was okay, then my pain wouldn't be in vain.

I nodded slowly and got up from the bed.

"I gotta go find Heechul hyung.  I need to tell him that I'll do it"

I opened my door but let out a squeak of surprise when I found Heechul leaning against the doorway smirking.  A pink designer bag swung from his hands.  He laughed and pushed past me to enter my room.

"Hyung?"

He chuckled and began pulling makeup and clothes out of the bag.

"Good thing you changed your mind, I already told Mr. Choi you'd do it"

"H-how'd you know I'd agree?"

He smirked knowingly,

"I had a feeling"

He gestured Zhoumi over and together they organized the supplies they would need to girl-ify me.  Heechul held up a flowy, goddess style dress.

He beckoned me over and chirped happily,

"Time to make you beautiful!"

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Sorry this is such a fail update...

Location: pondering the meaning of "rug-a-polooza"

Mood: complacent

Music: "Stand Up" by Super Junior-M (this is my second fave song on the album, sooooo good! ^^)