First Romance - zeyniiDara (Reviewer: teuteelicious)
** Starlight Review Shop ** [CLOSED]
Title: First Romance
Author: zeyniiDara
Title [6/10]:
Your title is not horrible or excellent. It’s just there, meaning it’s okay. It doesn’t attract much of my attention though. One might not click on your story if one is scrolling through a list of fanfic. Your title does relate to the story, so it’s good. Try choosing something more interesting next time.
Description/Foreword [1/5]:
You don’t really have anything here, but adding something interesting will definitely be better. Try adding a bit more to the foreword and description since your story is very long. On the other hand, the posters are really nice though!
Originality [3/15]:
The plot is very cliché to me. I’ve read tons of these stories before. A perfect girl having tons of people admiring her, yet she never pays attention to any of them. Then of course there’s jealousy and rival. And then one of the guys is the girl’s best friend’s crush. Everything is just too typical of a story. Sorry.
Characters [7/10]:
I think your main character, Dara, is a bit contradicting. She’s supposed to be hard to get, but she finds Jiyong attractive. She’s quiet and hard to approach, yet she gets along with Taeyang so quick, and not to mention falling in love with Jiyong. I also think you need some work on Jiyong in the beginning. He seems very flirty, so I feel like you need a buildup to why he likes Dara and gets jealous of Taeyang.
Plot/Writing [13/20]:
The plot is moving a bit too fast and it’s a bit stretched too. The flow is moving at such a strange speed that it’s unnatural. For example, Dara goes on a date with Taeyang almost immediately after they meet. Some character’s actions seem also unrealistic. Taeyang winks a lot, and I don’t think a shy girl like Dara would get along well with him without feeling awkward. Also, some parts are cut too abrupt that I got a little bit lost.
Your writing style is very typical too. I don’t know how to say this, and I don’t want to sound rude either, so please excuse me for a bit. Your writing is boring. Everything sounds like you’re telling a story to someone. Use more details perhaps? You want to show everyone what’s going on, not just going briefly over the surface. I can’t get the full image reading your story. I feel like I’m at the scene as an outsider, seeing them afar. What you need is the inside view of the story.
Your sentences are a bit choppy, so everything sounds dramatic. Work on it a little.
Grammar [10/25]:
I will only mention each important mistake where it is first seen. Little mistakes, such as typo, will not be mentioned due to limited space. There are more mistakes than these, but with these, you will be all right.
I found lots of typos and careless mistakes. Some sentences also make no sense. Try double-checking your work next time.
I found lots of typos and careless mistakes. Some sentences also make no sense. Try double-checking your work next time.
Chapter 1:
“Her mom is very lucky to have her.” You’ve been using past tense up to now. Make sure your verbs are consistent. Either change everything to past tense, or change everything to present. You pick.
“Her mom is very lucky to have her.” You’ve been using past tense up to now. Make sure your verbs are consistent. Either change everything to past tense, or change everything to present. You pick.
“In her room, one wall is covered with books she worked hard to buy on bookstores.” This sentence is quite confusing to me. First, change “is” to “was.” Then, add “that” after “books” to indicate the transition of telling where she got the books. Lastly, “on” isn’t the appropriate word choice here. Change it to “from” instead.
Chapter 2:
“‘You like him!’ Bom said still in her teasing tone.” In this sentence, “still in her teasing tone” describes Bom. Since it is separated from the pronoun with a verb, you must use a comma after the verb to ensure the meaning of the sentence.
“The bell rang. Everyone settled down. The teacher came in.” This string of short sentences makes your writing choppy and unprofessional. Why not combine the sentences into a complex one? “The bell rang and everyone settled down as the teacher came in.”
“… Dara can now hear the shoes squeaking on the floor, the ball dribbling, the girls cheering.” When you list things, don’t use “the” in front of nouns. Also, use “and” together with the last item listed. Don’t forget to make the verbs consistent! Change it to something like “Dara could now hear shoes squeaking on the floor, ball dribbling, and girls cheering.”
“… Dara can now hear the shoes squeaking on the floor, the ball dribbling, the girls cheering.” When you list things, don’t use “the” in front of nouns. Also, use “and” together with the last item listed. Don’t forget to make the verbs consistent! Change it to something like “Dara could now hear shoes squeaking on the floor, ball dribbling, and girls cheering.”
“‘I’m not going in there,’ Dara said pulling her wrist from Bom’s grip.” This sentence doesn’t make sense, really. The action of speaking and pulling her hand away are different from each other, but they happen at the same time. In other words, she’s speaking while pulling her wrist away. You must separate one clause from another. Add a comma after “said.”
Chapter 3:
“… followed their eyes on him until he reached Dara still hugging Bom.” This sentence is just plainly incorrect. “Still hugging Bom,” in this case, can talk about the girls in the class or Taeyang. The meaning is so unclear. I think what you’re trying to say is that Dara is the one hugging Bom. To do so, add a comma after “Dara,” then put in “who was” to clear up confusions.
“… followed their eyes on him until he reached Dara still hugging Bom.” This sentence is just plainly incorrect. “Still hugging Bom,” in this case, can talk about the girls in the class or Taeyang. The meaning is so unclear. I think what you’re trying to say is that Dara is the one hugging Bom. To do so, add a comma after “Dara,” then put in “who was” to clear up confusions.
Chapter 7:
“‘Fine! Let’s go,’ she grabbed her wrist.” Who is “she”? Who are you referring to? A lot of your sentences are confusing. Sorry.
“‘Fine! Let’s go,’ she grabbed her wrist.” Who is “she”? Who are you referring to? A lot of your sentences are confusing. Sorry.
“She shrugged the idea.” This sentence contains a pronoun, a verb, and a noun. You need something to stick the verb and the noun together. Saying “I type the computer” wouldn’t make sense without a preposition to tell exact where the location is. Add “at” after “shrugged.”
“Sohee on the other hand stayed focused on cheering for ‘his’ Jiyong.” The phrase “on the other hand” isn’t in the original sentence, and it interrupts the flow of the sentence. Whenever you interrupt the train of thought, you must put commas around the phrase. Place a comma after “Sohee” and “hand.” Also, “his” is the wrong possessive adjective. “His” prefers to a guy, not a girl. Since Sohee is a female, change “his” to “her.”
“He was happily talking to him until he saw her. He told Bom.” There’s too many characters introduced at this point. You have to make it clear what is going on. I got lost multiple times.
“Bom called as if calling a dog.” As if what/who is calling the dog? Mention who is doing that, please. Add “she was” after “if” to make everything clear.
Chapter 8:
“Arriving to her room, she immediately lied down…” Don’t use “to” after “arrive.” Always use “in” instead. Also, the past tense of the verb “to lie” (as in resting in a horizontal position), is “lay.”
“Arriving to her room, she immediately lied down…” Don’t use “to” after “arrive.” Always use “in” instead. Also, the past tense of the verb “to lie” (as in resting in a horizontal position), is “lay.”
Chapter 13:
“Mister Lim Hae Man called, Jiyong’s personal assistant.” If you want to describe who the person is, you must attach the description right before or after the name. The title of the person cannot be separated from his/her name in anyway (besides commas surrounding it). So change this sentence to “Mister Lim Hae Man, Jiyong’s personal assistant, called” or “Jiyong’s personal assistant, Lim Hae Man, called.”
Chapter 15:
“‘I’m he’s best friend.’” You must have a possessive noun in this sentence. The possessive version of “he” is “his,” instead of “he’s.”
Other [3/10]:
I’m sorry but I didn’t enjoy this much. There are a lot of typos and little errors. The grammar isn’t advanced, and the plot is way too common. I can pretty much find this story anywhere on AFF. I didn’t find anything twist or anything out of the ordinary, and I can pretty much predict everything. Sorry.
Extra [3/5]:
Your poster is a bit simple. You can add more characters or objects that symbolize or are important to the plot. Just the main character isn’t really enough for me.
Your format is fine, neat enough for me. Though I would like it better if you have neat and clear cut of transition. Try putting a horizontal line instead of “meanwhile.”
Your chapter titles are also okay. They’re simple and straight to the point, but really aren’t that eye-catching. Also, remember to capitalize important words! For example: Taeyang Meets the Goddess.
Total [0-100]: 46/100
Your overall scores combined.
A: 90-100
B: 80-89
C: 70-79
D: 60-69
F: 60-
I know I’m strict on grading, so I’m sincerely sorry. I have nothing against you or your story. It’s just my view as a reviewer. Don’t get discouraged, but instead, use this as a motivation to write even better stories. I’m sure your score will be much higher the next time you request.
Please don’t feel bad because of the score. Please understand that I’m generally picky, and I’m not bashing or hating on your story. Anyway, thank you for requesting at the shop! Have a great day. ~teuteelicious from **Starlight Review Shop**
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