Title: When You Give An Alien A Cookie

Author: Chesquared

Started: 11/02/2012

Finished: 11/02/2012

Today i decided to review two fanfics..... I'm still amazed ^^#

Title [8/10]:

Your title is not that common and it relates to the story.

If I was searching for a new fanfic and saw your title I’d definitely want to check it out.

Description/Foreword [9/10]:

Your description is interesting and it made me smile. You don’t describe the story or introduce the plot but in a way you can attract new readers with just four sentences. I liked it!

Your foreword…. Almost blew my mind. It was interesting and addictive. I just ask you not to do that many paragraphs. That was bothered me the most in your fanfic. I hated with all my might, it’s not attractive to the readers and it’s a bit annoying.

Your foreword made me totally interested. Only on the description/foreword I could tell this would be a pleasant reading (if not for the paragraphs and different fonts it would be even more!).

Somehow the summary you wrote in your foreword you could have added in the description but it’s still ok.

Originality [7/10]:

Nowadays It’s hard to find an original fanfic. Yours is not something out of this world but it’s a lot different from what I have read before.

You fanfic is indeed original and even if the main subject is a bit used for a lot of plots you have a special thing to distinguish from the others – your cute writing and humour.

Plot/Writing [19/22]:

The main thing I needed to call your attention was the paragraphs and the text fonts and I already did…

Your plot is totally fine. I’m loving it so far. I was a bit confused in the first chapter, the change from the foreword to the first chapter was a bit rushed because you didn’t mention what happened to make him be with you in that restaurant, and I didn’t like that much how you described what was happening there, but I liked the rest.

I think you have the ability to describe things a bit more but your fanfic is already ok.  Your writing is good.

Your story is coherent and cool and I like it!

You change a bit the verbs, mix present, futur and past tenses. Be careful with that!

Characters [8/10]:

Your characters were interesting and funny. You were able to make readers understand them not even describing them too much and that’s what I like when I’m reading fanfics.

Somehow I was a bit upset this fanfic was just starting… I just knew a few characters.

Grammar/Vocabulary [17/23]:

When I started reviewing your fanfic, I panicked. Why? Not because your grammar mistakes were huge but because I couldn’t find any (^o^”). Not that I want to have a lot of grammar mistakes on a fanfic but it felt weird.

You have some but not much. Your grammar is overall good and so is your vocabulary.

1. "Where are you running to now? I'll always be able to catch up. Don't you know that Human's humans don't have that much stamina as Alien's Aliens do? Average mating time of humans is 30 minutes, while Alien's can last a minimum of 48 hours"

2. "Stop following me!" She glared at him, hoping that he will would finally get the picture.

3. Chae Ri still cannot could not believe the situation she is was in. A box shaped metal thing fell from the sky and into the ocean, and this weirdo in front of her seemed to have come out of it. She scratched her head.

4. "You were swimming earlier right? That thing that fell from the sky, was probably a broken satellite, hey?" She asked.

5. "It won't hurt. I promise. I'm gentle when it comes to this kind of stuff." Before she had a chance to run, he slid his arm around her waist, twisting her to face him. He His hand now shifted to the curve of her back to support her. "Close your eyes." He whispered into her ear. She felt shivers run up her spine.

6. An alien fell from the sky. An alien entered her mind. An alien kissed her. Now, the alien followed her home, and is was currently sitting crosslegged on her bed, staring at her with his piercing eyes. 

7. You break broke up with me because you caught me making out with a girl, but you're worse. You're sleeping around?!" Cap hissed at Chae Ri, while all she could do was to force her tears not to flow down.

8. "Humans can't do everyanything that Aliens do. Enter minds, run faster, mate longer..." He inched an eyebrow up. "Would you to know how Aliens Alien's mate?"

9. "1 - You are to never say you are an Alien to any other human." - I don't like how you wrote this. It's grammatically wrong, at least one of the parts, but even if the rest was okay I would change it to something like this:

- You are not allowed to reveal your identity to humans. / ... to say you're an Alien to any other human.

- You can't say you are an Alien to any other human....

I like the first part of the first sentence the most but I don't know what you think... and you can change it as you will of course.

How much I enjoyed your story / Overall Excitement [8/10]:

I enjoyed your story to death. It made me want to read more and more. But I think if you changed the font and made less paragraphs it would be cooler, I’m not being mean but it really annoyed me!

It was not boring but addictive and funny. Your story is good, everybody should read it. Maybe you could add more details but overall it’s good, keep improving and working hard on it!
I’m not a Teen Top fan whatsoever, but your fanfic made me happy for being a reviewer. Maybe I wouldn’t find any fanfic like yours if I didn’t review it ~ Thanks for requesting it from me!

Extra [3/5]:
 

You have no poster ;_; You definitely need a poster for such a fanfic!

Your chapter titles were okay, not boring but not that interesting either. It was fine J

Your chapter’s length…

Chp 1 - 6

Chp 2 - 5

Chp 3 – 8

With that many spaces between sentences you achieved those word pages and your font in the first two chapters is different so it gets a bit incoherent. But overall it’s fine, between 5 and 8 chapters it’s ok as long as it is not mix 1 page with 5 pages or 3 pages, etc…

Bonus [6/10]

Points: [85/100]

I never thought I could give such a ponctuation! I'm usually too strict while reviewing (and it always makes me hate myself!). You should pay me a meal.

Ne, you have to be happy ;) Keep improving your fanfic!

Thanks for requesting and please pick up your request and comment above :)