Title: Thank You, Goodbye & I Love You

Title [7/10]:

I didn’t really get the title until I finished reading the story. I finally understood why you chose it. The title didn’t attract my attention, but I thought it was quite strange. So the uniqueness did help a little bit. I didn’t think this story would be so hard to name, so just leave it the way it is.

Description/Foreword [5/5]:

Love your description. It definitely attracted my interest. No complaints! Perfect!

Originality [13/15]:

I’d seen many plots like these before. Honestly, I didn’t expect twists to happen out of the blue. You did well in bringing the plot out with your style. Good job!

Characters [8/10]:

Your characters were fine. I had no problem with them. You didn’t describe much, but somehow, describing the characters wouldn’t fit into the fanfic.

 I got kind of bored with the same words repeating over and over again. For example, “lover”, “brunette”, “guy”, “dark haired guy”, and “blonde guy”. You should use the thesaurus to look for more lively adjectives! So, I guess an eight for you!

Plot/Writing [15/20]:

The flow of this story didn’t go very well. For more information, read the grammar section. I mentioned every problem possible since it didn’t take long to review.

 Your writing seemed a bit too rough for a touching story. By that, I meant too robotic and forced. It needed more inner thoughts and emotions here. You just described what the character did, but not what they felt. I’m going to use your sentence as an example for what I mean.

 “He moved his face close to Doojoon, examining every inch of his face while letting his tears drop and wetting the pale face of his beloved one.”

 He moved his face closer to Doojoon, leaving only a few inches in between. The distance was close enough for his warm breath to reach and soak into the icy skin of the no-longer-alive male. He examined the face of his beloved one as the tears from his heart that had threatened to flood out his eyes formed into a blurry mess, invading his vision. Soon, they were racing furiously down the slippery surface of his cheeks; and one by one, they landed softly on the cold skin of the dead man. Then, each and every one of them rolled off silently and left behind trails of teardrops. It looked as if both of the forever-separated lovers were crying about the fate that couldn’t be avoided.

 I know that probably wouldn’t go with the story well, but I was just giving an example using my own feelings.

Grammar [13/25]

Taken from the summary of your story, “the last thing that Doojoon wanted before he closes his eyes is to see his lover’s smile”. Even though the sentence made sense, but the verb inconsistencies bothered me a little. It should be “the last thing that Doojoon wanted to do before he closed his eyes was to see his lover’s smile”.

 “The brunette guy gasped in surprise from his day dreaming as he began to turn his gaze to the dark brown haired guy, who was sitting on the chair beside his bed”. Instead of “day dreaming”, put it as “daydream”.

 “He should be studying for his exam right now instead of working and taking care of him until late at night.” The word “him” in that sentence is quite confusing if the reader got lost. In this case, the word “him” can mean either Doojoon or Junhyung. I would like to see clearer words such as “his brother”, “Doojoon”, “his older sibling”, etc.

 “Every time he told him to go home and study, Junhyung would always disobey him and insisted to stay in the hospital so he could take care of him.” Again with the word “he”, please change it to a more definite description. Also, switch “obey” to its past tense to get rid of the tense inconsistency.

 “However, the more Junhyung cared about him, he felt more difficult to tell him about the hidden truth that had kept behind his smile.” Just one word, awkward. The sentence’s flow was kind of out of order here. I honestly think the sentence sounds better if you fix it into “However, the more Junhyung cared about him, the more he felt difficult to tell him about the hidden truth he had kept behind is smile.”

 “After a few moments of an awkward silence, the door suddenly was being opened with a loud thud and made the two guys in that room surprised.” First of all, you had a subject agreement problem. The problem laid in the first part of the sentence before the comma, “moments” and “silence” weren’t agreeing with each other. Second, it’s just awkward; especially the “was being opened” and “in that room”. I have two suggestions for you to fix it, read it and choose a way to go with. “After a few moments of awkward silences, the door suddenly opened with a loud thud and made the two guys in the room surprised.” Another way is “After a moment of awkward silence, the door suddenly opened with a loud thud and made the two guys in the room surprised.”

 “Doojoon closed his eyes tightly, letting the tears fell and wetting all over his pale face.” Since “letting” already took up the right tense for the sentence, “fell” should be in its normal present tense. So, use “Doojoon closed his eyes tightly, letting the tears fall and wetting all over his pale face.”

 “Dongwoon wiped the tears from his the brunette’s face while showing a small voice, although tears already started to roll to his cheek.” There were many careless errors in this sentence. Remember to double-check your work! Remove either “his” or “the” in the first part of the sentence, before the comma. “Tears already started to roll to his cheek” didn’t make sense. Change it to “tears already started to roll down his cheek.”

 “But, he didn’t show it on his face and tried to smile, as if the pain was never existed at all.” This sentence was awkward and contained unnecessary commas. The phrase “as if the pain was never existed at all” was incorrect. You can change it to “as if the pain never existed at all” or “as if the pain was never there at all.” About the commas, remove all of them. The sentence itself made sense without the commas. The commas just lagged up the flow up.

 “Dongwoon lifted up his head to face his lover, smiling before gave him a kiss on his right hand again.” Another careless mistake laid in this sentence, right after the comma. Either you make the verbs agree by “smiling before giving him…” or you can go with “smiling before he gave him…”

 “The brunette guy stared at his lover for one last moment before fatigue suddenly attacked him, making him slowly closed his pair of brown eyes along with a gentle smile plastered on his face.” This problem appeared once already, but just making sure again. “Making” took the tense of the sentence already, so “closed” was a helping verb; therefore, it should be in the normal present tense, in other words, “close” was the right way. Anyway, you were talking about a specific smile that belongs to Doojoon, not just anyone’s smile. Use “the” instead of “a” when you’re talking about a specific object.

 “But, there was no sign of response from Doojoon whose body was getting more colder from time to time.” The sentenced need a pause for the reader to separate up the different parts of the sentence, so please place a comma after “Doojoon” and before “whose”. “More colder” was the wrong way to express the phrase. Just put it as “colder”.

 “Because he was enjoying his time in the other world where there was no pain that he needed to afraid anymore.” You needed a verb in between “needed” and “afraid” because “afraid” was an adjective. For this sentence to be grammatically correct, fix it to “needed to be afraid anymore.”

 “The blonde guy didn’t even realize at Junhyung’s sudden presence in the room and continued to cry silently.” Remove the word “at”. It served no purpose in the sentence.

 “‘Why?... Why do you have to leave now?!’” he raised his voice while sobbing more harder than before.” The word “more” was completely useless here. “More” can never go with any word with the suffix –er.

 “Dongwoon couldn’t stop his tears for falling from his pair brown eyes as he pulled the lifeless body in to his embrace.” Change “for” into from. Also, “his pair brown eyes” isn’t right. Fix it to “his pair of brown eyes”. “In to” was supposed to be one word all together, so remove the space in between.

 “Dongwoon was smiling when he talked about his first dream date to Doojoon, although his gaze was empty and his face was a mess because of the tears that left on his cheeks.” Please add the word “was” between “that” and “left”.

 “‘He has gone. You have to be able to let him go,’ the doctor said with a gentle tone, but Dongwoon slapped the hand on his shoulder roughly while staring at the doctor with gaze full of hatred.” Again with the verb inconsistency, change “he has gone” into “he had gone”. Add “a” before the word “gaze” please.

Other [8/10]

This is so sad! Excellent! I enjoyed it quite a bit. I enjoyed it, but not to the max. I don’t know why, there’s just something that I don’t find it interesting to the fullest.

Extra [4/5]:

Extremely neat format, great use of font! Background is good! Everything is good!

 Although I have a little complain to make about the bolded words. Generally, authors don’t use bolded words because they break the flow of the sentence. If you mean for the character to scream, put everything in caps. If you mean for the character to emphasize something, italicize the words.

 I kind of don’t get the poster. I don’t really know why there’s a book at the bottom. I think you should find sadder and more touching picture of Dongwoon; he looks full of pride in here. I think it would be even better if you replace the book with an oxygen mask! Or like a flat line of a heart monitor. Anyways, the art is really nice.

Total [0-100]: 74/100

Your overall scores combined.

A: 90-100

B: 80-89

C: 70-79

D: 60-69

F: 60-

Before I actually typed this out, I estimated your score to be in the high C range. But after I took notice of the flow of your story, your writing style, and grammatical errors, I had to mark it down.

 I covered every mistake I caught, so hopefully it helped. I suggest you use the thesaurus to find better variety of words. You tend to use the same words over and over again, which really bored and bothered me. Also, I suggest you to read some sad fanfics to gain some experience in this field. I’d read many sad fanfics before, but all of them failed to carry out the purpose of angst. I didn’t find enough tears, emotions, and anger within them. Yours fell into that category also.

 True, you did describe a lot of things. You did paint an image in my head. I did see everything like a movie. A big side to this genre is emotion. I didn’t feel the pain while reading. But again, may authors tend to miss that spot, so it’s a common mistake. Maybe I’m expecting too much.

 I hope you like the results, and that it helped. Sorry if I’m too strict/easy for you, but this is my honest opinion. Thank you for requesting at our shop! Remember to drop a comment at our place. Don’t forget to paste this into your foreword or a new chapter! ~teuteelicious from **Starlight Review Shop** 

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