Title : Is This My Destiny ?

Author :  misumienai13

Title  (9/10)

Interisting enough

Foreword (6/10)

It was not really fast but also not too slow and right to the point.. right to the point ?! this is the wrong side. After read the foreword , I could imagine what will happen next.  not interested anymore. For foreword it is too long ! I was kinda bored and just wanted to jump to the next chapter. actually there are some mistakes. I’ll explain it later.

Originality (6/10)

It wasn’t original.  Too common for story like this. I could imagine what will happen next. They will fall in love eachother right ? must have another way to make this story special

Plot (3/5)

I got bored when I reached chapter 11,12,13,14,15. Try to put something special ! the date ! it should be interisting or something but it just went flat.  STOP  asking for comments in EVERY chapter ! it’s ok to put it on the foreword. But put it in every chapter  is so annoyed. If the readers love your story and want something for your story they will give their comment do not push them to give a comment. It’s like you are desperate in writing ! just give your best !

Characters(7/15)

Until the last chapter, I still have no idea Tita’s character. And Kibum, and other super junior member how about them. Your story is in chapter 16 now but iI have no idea about the other character . you put them too little in this story he is also confusing. I’m confused. Changing POV is ok ! don’t worry to put another member POV ! how can they still calm when they know there’s a girl in their dorm. Even their frined bring her inside. Should’ve have little shocked or something I guess. Your characters are not strong enough to build the story. Try to explain their character. You could use this way :

1.     the other  think of him/her.

2.     How he/she handle something

3.     circumstances surrounding

Grammar(2/10)

I also make mistakes with grammar but,

You have  problem in basic

Let’s start with foreword and description 

-        A girl who was just an ordinary girl starts a new life in a city she never expects to live before.

This sentence is confusing let me make it short. An ordinary girl. Starts her new life in a city she never expected to live before 

-        "Titaaaaaaa~ wake up girl it's time for you to shine! It's your graduate day!" The best mom of me shouted over my lovely house.

It should be graduation day. Graduate is a verb. The best mom of me ? it’s like a question how many moms do you have ? instead of that you can write “ the best woman shouted...” / “the best mom ever ...” . can i change this sentence “ tita ! wake up ! it’s your time to shine ! today is your graduation day !”

-         However, my house is, it's my only place to back, I love my house.

You use past tense in the last sentence, change it to the past ! “however ,my house was. It was my....”

-         I don't even know why we should attend a graduate ceremony instead of just received the certificate. Do you know why?

Graduationand receive(d). It is present tense.

-        My mom shouted all over again while she'scooking in the kitchen.

-         How do I know she cooks? I can smell her great food, can't you smell it? She's the best chef ever! 

Cooked and Could. Couldn’t you ?

-         I quickly run to the bathroom

Ran – past tense

-        “it's my high school graduate day..”;”this day I'll go to JAPAAAN! Scholarship's waiting for me. I am ready to goooo~ :D”

“it was my graduation day..”; “ to day I’ll....scholarship was waiting for me I was ready to go”

P.s. please check it again I found many mistakes on the foreword but I can’t mention it one by one. Check it by yourself ! x)

Enough with the foreword

-        The title “what super junior is". !what is super junior ?

-        I'm just graduated my high school. ~ I just ..

-        All I know is I can't let the scholarship passed useless...~ all I know was I couldn’t let...

-        It's hard for me to learn Hangul instead Japanese that....~ it was..

-        Thanks gods – thank(s) with “s” should not following by subject after it. And you should write God instead of gods. How many God ? just God. Thank God/Thank you God

-         It's a one floor house ~ it was

-        I walk slowly from my room towards her room with my purple pajama's on me~ “my” already explain the owner no need to put s after pajama

-         she's throwing a book into me -

 In past : she threw the book AT me

-        In present : she throws . 

Your words were right. indeed. but it doesnt  fit into the sentence and the sentence after.

-        "Please Tita, you're the best best friend of mine." She's begging me, I stopped and she changes her expression to my specialty expression, she copied me. Oh crap! I shouldn't turn my head. I can't stay on too. Oh, no, I can't say no. Hwaa, what should I do??? I just nodded my head and left her room with confusing face.

-        What? I nodded? Ugh, pabonikayo~

 -        Suddenly I remember she was in the call two days ago and I need to ask her what happens early, it seems from her appa. Maybe something went wrong. But not now, I have to find a perfect reason so I won't go with Eunhwa to super junior concert. I am smirking on my mind.

-        "Oh, Tita! Let's shopping!" She said happily. I am going to die!!!! She's a shopaholic, one step in the store,she can buy anything, we can stay in the mall for a week! 

Look at the colors :

This color: should change into past if you want to use past tense in the whole story

This color: should change into present if you want to use present in the whole story

This color: an error words.  super junior concert should be written Super Junior’s concert. First you wrote store and the mall. Pick one.

-   They're yells and screams 

This is called concord “they” -àplural. And plural is not follow by “s”

“s” just follow “she.he.it” --àsingular. you want it to be in past ? it should be “They yelled and screamed” or “they are yelling and screaming” if you want to use present.

-        But he was read my mind and ...

He read. It’s enough

-        I am really has to do it

The important thing is, be consistent of the use of past tense. You can use present when it comes to “.......”.

Other (3/10)

The main pic is not too interisting and it should be  “what am I gonna do ?” and the background is plain. Try to put some picture or something. You can put SUJU pic. 

Extra(5/15)

First I loved how the story goes but when I reached chapter 11 and on I got bored.

I enjoy the story (6/15)

a.     Umm (no)

b.     Yeah(ok, kinda of)

c.       Okay (yes)

d.     Elastic(really like) 

Total : 47/100 (no bonus)

Hey, this is Kayla. Try to improve this story ok ? Thank you !

Thanks for requesting. Please comment above after picking it up and don't forget to credit :)