Title: Changmin's Last Letter

Author: StepOneTwo

Started: 5/02/2012

Finished: 7/02/2012

Hello! Finally I have a DBSK fanfic to review, yay JBut I’ll be as strict as I was before so don’t worry.

Thank you for requesting it from us and I’m sorry for taking so long. Yesterday I had already finished your review but my stupid internet deleted EVERY THING. I’m redoing it again…. I almost lost my will to re-write but I wouldn’t do it to you.

So, let’s get it started?

Title [5/10]:

The title is common. Not catchy and a lot used on those kinds of stories but it’s fine.

Just something that made me a bit confused/upset. Your title mentions a last letter but there isn’t any letter on the story… Changmin never wrote it. And your description leads us to a wrong assumption as well. But I will talk about that later. Just to conclude, your title isn’t really related to your story.

Description/Foreword [5/10]:

I like your description. It’s interesting and catchy. I also like your note after, your writing was fine.

The foreword is fine. I liked the quotes but you could choose only one that would summary the fanfic and then write a foreword?! Maybe you could add the letter… But it would be confusing because of what you wrote after. It wouldn’t make sense to think that Changmin predicted his own death so he wrote a letter in advance… Right?

Originality [5/10]:

Your story is not that original if you consider the fanfics of the same kind. But you wrote it in eleven chapters, not only two or three, so you have some credit.

Your writing/plot is also cool so your score is not lost.

Plot/Writing [14/22]:

Didn’t I tell you I didn’t like sad stories??? Why did you ask me to review your fanfic? Oh, wait, I was the one who chose it because the other reviewers were busy…. Sorry about that hahaha But I will wait for that alternative ending ~ Oh, and by the way, next time you can choose your own reviewer and save me from a big headache ^^

I just wanted to make you relax a bit. Done? Ok, let’s move on.

Your writing was cool. You don’t give a lot of descriptions but you give enough. I liked how you wrote, it was emotionally well-done in a way. I got really sad already on the beginning of the fanfic. But I think you failed on describing the characters to the point that if I wasn’t a cassie and didn’t know a lot about the characters of your fanfic I wouldn’t feel emotional.  

Also, you give too many unnecessary paragraphs. I understand why you do that but some of them aren’t needed at all. Some examples:

1.“I looked around to see whether Changmin was around me. He wasn't. But that voice...

It was so clear, as if he was right next to me, willing me awake. What was going on?

What did that voice mean?”

2.“Worry and fear were keeping us awake. And adrenaline.

That too.”

3.“A few hours passed like that.

We were just waiting.

Waiting for news of Changmin, my little Maknae. I spent most of the time praying. I wasn't religious, sometimes I questioned God's existence, but right now, all I needed was His promise that Changmin would be okay. ”

4.“I hugged my knees to my chest as I rested my chin on them. I hadn't moved from my position on the floor. Tiled floors can be comfy, you know.

I traced patterns on the floor, avoiding verbal communication. Why was it so awkward?”

5.“Tubes and wires were tangled all around, as the machines surrounded Changmin like a barrier from the outside world.

So many machines for my little Changmin.”

6.“The doctor looked so hesitant right then, like he didn't want to burst our bubble of hope.

It burst any way.

7.“Mr. Shim began to cry. Junsu just continued doing what he was previously doing. Which was crying. Yoochun slid to the floor, defeated, as Jaejoong leaned against the wall, bouncing his head softly against it. He looked like he was mentally unstable.

I bet we all were.

8.“I didn't like him smoking. His voice was too precious to be ruined by something too stupid. 'Why do you still smoke, Junsu?' I asked as he took a roll out and lit it, blowing smoke out of his mouth. I didn't mean to sound rude, or intrusive. Just...

Curious.”

These are just examples… You can find a lot more.

Do you remember when I told you about how your fanfic got confusing? Your description, title and first chapter made me think Changmin had a disease like cancer, for example, and wanted to leave Yunho. That would explain why he was so apprehensive about leaving Yunho and why he asked Yunho if he could survive without him, and it would also explain your title and your description when you said that Changmin was weird for some weeks already.  But on the second chapter you wrote Changmin had a car accident.

After you wrote that, the first chapter/description/title stopped making any sense. Maybe you could change it or add a part when the family says he asked his disease to be a secret from the members so they made the car accident up… You have a lot of alternatives.

Also, in the first chapter you say “'Hyung! Hyung! Wake up! They need to tell you something!'“ as if Changmin was a ghost… You could take advantage from it somehow but you would turn your fanfic into a supernatural one hehehe

Your writing was good but your plot could be better. Everything goes around Changmin and his death, I can understand that, but there are some chapters you could basically collect into one. Or, to improve it a bit, let Changmin say something… It was really sad that Changmin never had the chance to say goodbye to s. It would give another feel and the readers would understand and feel even more hurt with Changmin’s situation.

You have so confusing parts when you speak on the past tense and then on the present and then past tense again… Nothing much but it made me confused.

- “I rested my head against the glass and zoned out. I'm at expert zoner. I look like I'm really concentrating quite hard when I'm actually in another world. Reporters are fooled. Jaejoong leaned against me, just staring at Changmin, his tears wetting my jacket. I don't know how long we stayed like that.”

This was a difficult sentence for me to understand. It’s not as if it was incorrect but you get confused. Maybe you could add a dashe between “zoned out” and “I’m at expert zoner” (don’t you mean I’m AN expert zoner?” ; take out the “really” on “I'm really concentrating quite hard…” and add “always” after “I” and before “look”. Can you reformulate the part “reporters are fooled”? It was such a small sentence and I think my confusion started mostly with that sentence and the abruptly change after.

Hmmm, why not this?:

“I rested my head against the glass and zoned out. – I was an expert zoner. I usually look like as if I was concentrating quite hard when I ‘d actually be in another world. Reporters would be easily fooled by that .- Jaejoong leaned against me, just staring at Changmin, his tears wetting my jacket. I don't know how long we stayed like that.”

The flow of your story was both too quick and too slow. Quick because immediately after the chapter one the action in the hospital starts and slow because you write “thousands” of chapters about the same thing.

Now, getting a bit away from the topic… This doesn’t count as a review (this part I’m going to say) because it has to do with your imagination… I was really surprised when you wrote about Junsu smoking when he is the only one in DBSK who doesn’t smoke or drink (because of the promise he did with Super Junior’s Eunhyuk), or when you wrote Yunho didn’t believe in God when he and Junsu are the ones who were educated and believed in God the most… Also going to the church and praying… Well, it’s an interesting point of view. J

Characters [4/10]:

Your characters… You didn’t describe them at all. You spoke about how they were separated and I liked what you wrote. But you just give some “random” descriptions about them… To be honest I only liked when you described Junsu’s personality. It was the deeper character description I got from you.

It was fine when you wrote about Jaejoong and Yunho speaking about Changmin and his funny moments but you could add more information about Changmin if you want to show emotions to the readers. You know why I felt emotional on the first chapter? Because what I read about Changmin made my heart ache. But since you only described him in that chapter I didn’t feel half of the emotions on the next ones. Only when Yunho bid farewell to Changmin for the last time and said some beautiful words.

You could describe them a bit more. Their characters, personalities, lives… Especially Changmin’s since everything is happening because of him.

Grammar/Vocabulary [20/23]:

First fanfic I review without that many mistakes, yupi!

You get away from the basics, I like your vocabulary as well.

You have some minor mistakes, some of them are just typo mistakes.

1. "Most of the events that occurred later in the twenty four hour period was were a complete blur to me."

2. "I made a lot if of calls to lots of people from SM Ent. It was probably the most painful phone calls of my life."

3. "I don't know how many times I repeated that Changmin had died. Over and over, I said it. And each time I said it, I died a little bit more inside. Each time I said it, it became a bit more real. Each time I said it, it became all the more painful."

4. "I shook my head. No. I don't want to see him for 'the final time'."

5. "Yoochun held my hand, gripping it tightly. 'It'll be okay,' he said, voice cracking as well, as he looked me in the eyes. I could see he was starting to tear up as well. 'It's going to be okay, Yunho.'"

6. "'No,' I croaked, 'It's not okay. It's not.'"

7. "'You're disappointed in with me.'"

8. "'But you're here. You're here now. He'll be glad to see you. He's missed you so much, you know. He really misses you.'"

9. "'Okay,' I answered. Junsu got stood up and walked behind me, his head hung low."

How much I enjoyed your story / Overall Excitement [6/10]:

I liked your story. I think you made me interested until the third or fourth chapter, after that It seemed you only wanted to add chapters. You were not consistent on the chapter’s length and what you said on two chapters you could collect it into only one and make us more excited, not break it into two chapters as if they were talking about different things.

You could have added some events between not to make readers get a bit bored because your plot gets repetitive later. A thing you could say in a chapter in a more developed way, you say in two or three.

Overall I liked your story. You don’t need to worry a lot about grammar, maybe add more descriptions will be ok. Your story got me really excited after reading the description and the first chapters… Then it got a little boring for me.

Extra [4/5]:

I liked your poster, it was a bit blurred but it was okay. I just didn’t like the book – here we go again: why was there a book (or a letter) if Changmin never wrote it? It’s a bit dark but I liked it. It’s a pity you don’t have a background, it would help.

Your chapters’ length…..  You wrote:

First chapter - Three word pages

Second Chapter - Five word pages

Third, Fourth, Fifth and Sixth Chapters - Two word pages for each

Seventh and Eighth Chapter – One word page for each

Ninth Chapter – Three word pages

Tenth Chapter – Two word pages

Eleventh Chapter – Four word pages

You weren’t consistent. If there’s something I don’t like is one page chapter. You could wait and collect two minor chapters or you could develop it!

I liked your chapter titles. You sure have imagination for titles… I wouldn’t be able to find good ones T.T

Bonus [3/10]

Points: [66/100]

This is a good score so don't be upset... This was the best score I gave by far... Maybe I should be a bit nicer? But that wouldn't be me... Next time write a new fanfic that blow my mind ^^ I'm challenging you!!

Anything you need, you can ask me :)

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