Title: lived with idol

Author: loverbb

Personal note:

First of all, I'm sorry for taking so long reviewing! I had exams/orals to do and two review requests to finish. :(

Anyway I'm back to review your fanfic. Thanks for requesting from me and don't feel hurt by anything I say... I'm a bit strict but don't worry.

So, let's start it!

Started:  30/01/2012

Finished:  30/01/2012

Title [3/10]:

Your title matches your story plot. However, you have a BIG mistake on your title aside from the fact you also don't use CAPITAL WORDS. Not even on the first letter!!

Let's see: "lived with idol"

Since your fanfic is about Sunny and 2PM living together then you should use the plural while writing "Lived with idols". First step.

Second step. You should add a personal pronoun before "lived" . Who? I, She, He? I think you want to say "I lived with idols", right?

Third step. Do you want to have a past tense or a title on the present? I guess it's the second one because Sunny is not narrating the story and the story IS happening, there are no signs that she's just telling us what happened before and then move back to the future, isn't it?

So you should use present or present continuous: "I live with idols" or "I'm living with idols". I think the second one is a bit more attractive.

Fourth step. Use capital words! "I Live With Idols" / "I'm Living With Idols".

After looking at your fanfic title for the first time it wouldn't be a story I'd like to read. A bit interesting but cliche. Also, your mistake and non use of capital words made it worse.

Description/Foreword [2/10]:

You have a straight forward description so obviously it is related to the story's plot.

But your description is not interesting. You don't develop, you just give an idea of what the story is about and that's it. You also don't use capital words and are full of mistakes and that's not appealing.

Correction:

Sunny and 2PM was lived at live in one an apartment...What will happen when Sunny start lived living with 6 six guys....and they when the guys are idols...?

at T his fanfic  have has a some special participants so just wait... And at on this fanfic Junsu as her is Sunny's brother.

I think you should do a more detailed description and not only mention Junsu is Sunny's brother. Say the same thing in a deeper way. You can say that Sunny gets to live in 2PM's apartment thanks to Junsu, her brother, who invited her over. Developing that part and not doing a mention only.

Originality [2/10]

It is not original but you also don't follow the usual processure so i'll give you a point for that.

Plot/Writing [4/22]:

Did you develop the story well? Is it confusing? Your way of writing, is it appealing? Boring? What did I feel reading it?

My question is - do you really have a plot? I mean, the main plot is about Sunny living with 2PM but in the middle you write things that can make readers confused. I mean, your chapters don't have a connection, in a chapter Sunny is in the hospital and on the next chapter she is visiting a family member, like you are writing different oneshots inside the same story. I don't consider your fanfic even rushed because of that, if you have a bit of drama you finish it with only two sentences, you don't develop it.

Do you want a suggestion? Make a guideline of your fanfic. Like:

Chapter 20:

-Sunny meets Hara, her best friend

-Junsu sees Hara and get interested.

-.......

Chapter 21:

-2PM have a photoshoot to do and invite Sunny.

-......

etc.

But when I say a "guideline" it's to help you find a way to connect between the last and the present chapter, you write a topic and then develop it. For example, imagine you were the one  writing a guideline to chapter 21.. you won't only say

Junsu: Sunny, we'll have a photoshoot. Want to go with us?

Sunny: yes

and that's it, right? What I mean is, develop that topic, do descriptions, write about them going to the building, about how they are dressed, what they think, etc.. I'm not saying you should add this to your fanfic, not at all, I'm giving a random example to show you how you should develop your story aside from the basic dialogues.

I didn't like your writing style. You have lots of english mistakes, don't do descriptions, you write only dialogues and don't speak about the characters. Your only way of showing how they are feeling or what are they doing is adding ** after the name and writing it between. I don't like it. Also, the pictures you use a lot, I don't like it either. Try to replace those for descriptions!

Characters [2/10]:

I honestly didn't understand your characters. Your story runs too fast and doesn't say a thing about them. If you want to keep like that, why not adding a character's description on the foreword? It's better than nothing actually. Oh, wait, you HAVE a character's description, Sunny only... But you're not deep enough, you should write she's kind, straigh forward, she always does her best or has a great friendship with her brother... things like those but transformed INTO text not say it between dots or paragraphs.

Grammar/Vocabulary [3/23]:

I'm not usually that strict when it comes to grammar because I also do some mistakes on it, i'm human too (*sighs*). But there are some exceptions like yours! It's okay when your english is basic but it is not okay when you exchange "his" for "he", have a bad use of propositions and verbs.

Also, whenyou write korean, can you put the translation after?

I'll write down what I wrote to another ficwriter which fanfic I reviewed as well:

I am
You are
She/He/It is
You are
They are

Don't forget to add the "am/are/is..." after the pronoun, you do it a lot.

Examples:

"Junsu : Khaja.... We are back..... My friend prepared some food for you....." Also, you need to add some "d"s or "s" sometimes. Also, dont mix past and present tenses, ok?

"Then the girls kicks kicked sunny..." See? Oh and see what i said about rushing it and not giving descriptions? Who were those girls and were they even there? You didn't write about them before and wrote it as if they were important characters of the story it made me confused.

"Girls : Ya.... How come you hugged my oppa.....*angry...*"

"Sunny was/is so supsrised surprised because she saw....coz...her look he brother getting angry...!" See? You didnt use "is" or "was" (you need to choose which you want to use, present or past) and you confunded "she" with "her" and "his" with "he". Another: "JYP : Emm.....Who is her she???"

"Woo : Your dongsaengs is super cute.....!" - You also say a lot "my dongsaengs", "your dongsaengs"... Just tell me - Are there tons of Sunnys that make you say "dongsaeng" on the plural referring to her? If you're only refering to Sunny, delete the "s", it's plural!

You have a lot of those mistakes around your fanfic, re-read it well! And USE capital words whenever you finish/start a sentence!!!

I felt I needed to correct some big mistakes. It doesn't mean you don't have others to correct but I already told you what to look for.

"Girls : Of course... Junsu ya...., can i take your a picture of you?...*smile*"

"Junho : I think your dongsaengs are is a man..... hmm.... It's a girl...."

"my brother friend" Another of your mistakes! It's not "my brother friend" but "My brother's friend".

"Nickhun : Yah..Let's we run... They look like diehard fans....."

Your grammar is confusing and you have a basic vocabulary. Try to do less grammar mistakes and you see it will be better :)

How much I enjoyed your story / Overall Excitement [2/10]:

Your story was not developped and the ** and the way you showed their talks pissed me off a little bit. For me, it gets a bit away of how a story is written... But well fanfics are not books and turned to be something more personal as time passes by.

I didn't understand the flow of your story so I wasn't willing to read it.  You still have a lot to improve so hwaiting!

Extra [3/5]:

Your poster is lovely and cute. I like the originality of putting Sunny at the top as if she was controlling the guys and the roses and scenario of it. It's really cute and cool. The background is cool but I don't really like it. It seems a bit strong to the poster itself but it's ok if combined with the poster, aside from that 

Your chapter titles are the numbers only, it's ok. But please use capitals!

Your chapter lengths are not consistent, you could change that. If you want to write but have no time, save a bit on word and then keep going and write a more detailed fanfic, why not? But that's with you.

Bonus [_/10]:

This time I won't give a bonus, I gave it along the way on the categories. Or... I like pair numbers so.. one number more. ^^

[Points: 22-100]

You don't need to be upset, ok? Promise me that... It's only to help you improving so don't take it in the wrong way. Thanks for requesting, be free to do it anytime! :)

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