Tiffany & Timothy - BattleAxe (Reviewer: teuteelicious)
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Title: Tiffany & Timothy
Title [10/10]:
Woah, I was totally dazed at your title. Timothy? Who is that? Wait, oh!
I totally loved your title. I was quite surprised after reading your description. No one could have expected something as mind-blowing as this. I thought Timothy would be an OC character, but no, I was completely wrong. Timothy was actually Tiffany. Amazingly done.
I totally loved your title. I was quite surprised after reading your description. No one could have expected something as mind-blowing as this. I thought Timothy would be an OC character, but no, I was completely wrong. Timothy was actually Tiffany. Amazingly done.
Description/Foreword [3/5]:
You did a terrific job in the description and explaining in the foreword. The only problem has to do with grammatical errors. They are listed and explained below. You seem to delete this part later on, but I’ll still leave it here.
“… she is harshly rejected by the girl of her dreams who reveals…” Because the last part of the sentence, talking about the dream girl, has nothing to do with the original subject, Tiffany, use a comma to separate the sentence up. Do this by adding a comma after “dreams”.
“… being an issue for the girl Tiffany boldly wishes to become a man.” The first part acts as a description for Tiffany, while the second states what she’s doing; they are not related. You must use a comma to separate the parts. Put a comma after “girl”.
“… more than she bargained for when she suddenly waking up…” You’ve been using present tense up until now, so change “bargained” to “bargains”. Also, “waking” cannot be used as a verb alone unless you add the verb “to be” in front of it. The verb “to wake” should be used here as “woke” instead.
“… to deal with the complicated problems of adjusting to her life as her other identity which she lovingly names, ‘Timothy’.” Firstly, the word “problems” indicates plural, but “of adjusting her life” indicates singular. In other words, you should change “problems” to singular form since you only mention one problem. Secondly, you must add a comma before the word “which” if it adds more information (and the information isn’t related to the main subject) into the sentence. In this case, the clause added more information to “her other identity”.
“More importantly does she even want to?” The phrase “more importantly” is a week clause Fewer than three words, and it has nothing to do with the context of the question. It’s just there for emphasis, therefore, add a comma after “importantly”.
Originality [14/15]:
This is the very rare times that I’ve seen a plot like this. It is very original and unique. I find it similar to some plots where girls pretend to be guys, so I marked off a bit.
Characters [10/10]:
Your characters are very well developed, especially Tiffany. Jessica seems to be a mystery. Seohyun is super duper innocent! Yuri is adorable! Timothy is so cute with his shyness! I don’t have any complaints here. You did great in describing Tiffany and Timothy. Good job!
Plot/Writing [17/20]:
Your story has a really nice flow to it. I absolutely love how everything fits together so well. Everything is tied to another. They fit together just like a puzzle piece! Your paragraphs are really clear. Your vocabulary range is wide. I find some sentences that are awkward, but they are grammatically correct. Try reading some sentences aloud to make sure they sound right. Also, when you read sentences out loud, your brain will pick up places where commas are/are not supposed to be.
Also, try to shorten some sentences for them to make more sense. Some sentences are confusing when I first read it.
In the future, please try to add commas in the correct place. They do bother me a lot. Every time I see a mistake, my brain goes back and reread the sentence. So it’s quite annoying for me (that’s because I have OCD). Making the reader go back to reread to understand the sentence better is not a good thing. You want people to understand everything the first time they read it. Make your points short and sweet, quick and crisp.
Grammar [12/25]
Please know that I will only mention each problem once because of the limited time and space. Try and apply each rule to your errors throughout the fanfic. I will only mention where each mistake is first seen. Also, some of the rules are already mentioned in the description category. I will not mention it again.
Chapter 1:
“Tossing around in her delicate pink sheets she tiredly…” The word “tossing” is not an action-performed word; it is an action-named word. In other words, it is a side action along with the main action she’s currently doing (in this case, opening her eyes). Whenever you have a phrase with an action-named verb, you must always put commas around it. Place a comma after “sheets”.
“Tossing around in her delicate pink sheets she tiredly…” The word “tossing” is not an action-performed word; it is an action-named word. In other words, it is a side action along with the main action she’s currently doing (in this case, opening her eyes). Whenever you have a phrase with an action-named verb, you must always put commas around it. Place a comma after “sheets”.
“Surprisingly her arms…” This sentence starts with an adverb that modifies to the sentence; you must place a comma to separate it from the main context. Place a comma after “surprisingly”.
“… another one of her roommate long and hot morning showers.” The “showers” belongs to her “roommate”, therefore you must turn “roommate” into a possessive word. Change “roommate” into “roommate’s”.
“… Yuri had run out of her room fully dressed…” “Fully dressed” is describing a noun in this sentence. But this sentence has to nouns: Yuri and her room. Without a comma, you’re indicating that the room is fully dressed. Add a comma after “room” to clear up misunderstandings.
“… started their college career’s last years.” Since “their” is already a possessive word, you don’t need “career” to be possessive. You want it to be just plainly plural; do this by removing the apostrophe.
“Both of them had gotten much closer which was natural for two people who saw each other everyday.” Please add a comma after “closer” because the context following “which” doesn’t relate specifically Tiffany and Yuri. It just talks about people in general. “Saw” shouldn’t be past tense because this action is a naming verb. It doesn’t talk about someone doing it right at the moment; it’s just telling what people do at anytime.
“In the kitchen Yuri was preparing…” Whenever you start a sentence with a prepositional phrase, you must place a comma after it. Add a comma after “kitchen”.
“… causing Yuri to jump in the kitchen with surprise. Running to the door to check on her roommate she cried…” First, the second sentence is incomplete. Second, these two sentences don’t make sense. The best way to fix this is to make it “… causing Yuri to jump in the kitchen with surprise, running to the door to check on her roommate. She cried…”
“Nervously she looked…” A noun can’t follow after an adverb. If you want to do this, place a comma after “nervously”.
“Hearing her roommate yell and bang the door…” “Yell” and “bang” is action-performed verb. You’re trying to tell the readers what Yuri is doing through another characters, not directly through Yuri. You must change “yell” and “bang” to action-named verbs by adding –ing to the end of them.
“She cleared ‘his’ throat and squeaked, ‘Yeah I’m fine’ his low voice cracked under pressure.” This “sentence” is actually two sentences that were put together incorrectly. The subject “she” and “he” aren’t the same. You can’t squeeze both parts into a sentence all other. Just add a period after “fine”.
“Just then she saw the doorknob twist, as Yuri was trying to check on her.” This sentence doesn’t make sense. Since you started the sentence with a week clause, put a comma after “then”. Change “twist” to “twisted” for tense consistency. Don’t put a comma before the word “as” unless the context following it is interrupting the train of thoughts. In this case, it didn’t; so, remove the comma after “twist”.
“ … from peaking at her new body.” “Peaking” means to reach the highest point. What you meant is “peeking”.
“… if she really put her mind too it.” “Too” is another word for “also”. Remove the extra “o”.
“… and I’m a little sick’ she said…” Usually, people end their quotes with a punctuation mark. Here, you could put a comma or period.
Chapter 2:
“… she decided to think more about shopping rather than wallow in her own disheartened thoughts.” This sentence is in a parallel structure, meaning clauses that have the same form and level of importance. “To think” is the main verb, but it is used to list out what she should do. Since “shopping” ends with –ing, you need to do the same with “wallow”.
“‘I know just the one!’ raising his right eyebrow in excitement he merrily went…” Firstly, always capitalize the first word following a quote if the quote ends with a proper punctuation mark. Secondly, “raising his right eyebrow” isn’t the main verb here. It’s just there to help the verb “went”. It’s more of an extra description. You must always use a comma to separate it from the main sentence. Add a comma after “excitement”.
“‘No I’m not quite sure what I am.’” Always use a comma after common introductory words. Place a comma after “no”.
“The smells of freshly ground coffee beans…” “Smells” is only used as a verb in the present tense for he/she/it. As a noun, it is always spelled as “smell”. It will never have an –s at the end even if there’s more than one smell.
“… but after an unlucky day she felt like…” “But after an unlucky day” is used as a transitional phrase that interrupted the thought of the sentence. You must always place commas around transitional phrases.
“… but Tiffany reacted with cat like reflexes…” Whenever you use –like with another word as an adjective, you must always add a hyphen in the between. For example, alien-like, horse-like, etc.
“As they finally exited the last store in what most would consider a long and tiring time at the mall, Yuri couldn’t help but ask…” Whenever you have an expression that interrupts the flow or thought of a sentence, you must always put commas around it (before and after). In this case, the expression is “in what most would consider a long and tiring time at the mall”.
“‘She said something that really hurt’…” “Something” is a singular noun. You must match the verb with it. “Something” can be considered in the category of he/she/it; so you must conjugate “hurt” to “hurts”.
“… she replied rather bluntly” I may seem like the world’s pickiest person for saying this. But, please put a period at the end of your sentences.
Chapter 3:
“It didn’t help that h ‘package’…” Make sure to double-check your chapters. Change “h” to “his”.
“Needless to say the saleswoman was bewildered at the sight of the handsome man with the crotch emphasizing pants and pink slippers.” The phrase “needless to say” is an expression that doesn’t really necessary to the context. You can put it there, but you must have a comma after it. Whenever you want to use two words put together as an adjective, you must add a hyphen in between. Please fix it to “crotch-emphasizing pants”.
“… they reached a little silence which provided a perfect segway for formal introductions.” Without a comma after “silence”, this sentence’s meaning changes. Without the comma, they reached a silence that is meant for introductions. With the comma, they reached an unintentional silence that gave them a chance to introduce each other. Remember to use commas at correct places! Also, “segway” isn’t a real word. I think what you meant is “segue”, which is pronounced the same as “segway”.
Chapter 4:
“… like a wild Ocean storm.” Please make “Ocean” lowercase.
“That or the blonde was just really short.” This sentence sounds awkward, and it is incomplete. Why not add “either” in front of “that”? Just a suggestion.
“Onlookers must’ve thought the man crazy.” Add “was”, “went”, or other verbs of your choice before “crazy”. This sentence is incomplete without that verb.
“‘Timothy this is my unnie Jessica. Jessica this is Timothy…” Firstly, when you’re saying someone’s name in a speech to get their attention, you must put commas around it. Secondly, when you’re introducing someone along with a description of who they are, you must also put commas around the person’s name. This is the correct way of writing these two sentences, “Timothy, this is my unnie, Jessica. Jessica, this is Timothy.”
“… red all over his porecelain cheeks.” Double-check your chapters! Fix the spelling of “porecelain” to “porcelain”.
“… offended by his spontaneous little eruption over being along with her.” “Along” means to go with something. That word does not fit in this sentence. Fix it to “alone” instead.
“… had driven to the mall despite it only being a short ways away from her apartment.” Firstly, this sentence doesn’t make sense, and it is very awkward. I kept rereading over and over again, but I still find this incorrect somehow. I have no explanation for this, it is just something you have to do when you write in English. Replace “it only being” with “it was only”. Secondly, “a short ways” is not agreeing in terms of singular and plural. Remove the “s” from “ways”. Thirdly, remove “away” because that word is abundant. It serves no purpose in the sentence. People can still understand the sentence without it.
“If she wanted to hangout today she would message people.” If you start a sentence with the word “if”, the expression following it must be separated from the original context with a comma. Place a comma after “today”. Also, this is another weird sentence. I have no explanation other than, because English is spoken this way. Change “would” to “would have”.
“… get a good seat in-class or not?’” Replace the hyphen/dash in the word “in-class” with a space.
“… if she him again…” You’re also missing a verb here. Try adding “see” (or something similar) after “she”.
“… running scared in the opposite direction.” This sentence doesn’t make sense. An adjective cannot describe a verb. Change “scared” to “frantically”, “nervously”, or something like that.
Chapter 5:
“That’s why you’re here.” Change the spelling of “your” to “you’re”. By the way, what is “testing the social waters”? I’m quite confused.
“… struggling to break free from her captors hold…” Add an apostrophe to “captors” to make the word possessive.
“Timothy was a deep and rosy red all over.” Remove the word “a” in the sentence. It doesn’t have to be there.
Other [9/10]
I’m not a Sone or an anti; I’m neutral. I got totally hooked in the first chapter. Your writing and plot cooperated so well! I enjoyed it quite a lot. It was very entertaining, funny, cute, and adorable! The only thing that bothered me is grammar. You were missing quite a lot of commas.
I find it amazing how real life awkward moments are so funny in here! Loving the drunk part! Tiffany’s experience with a new body is daebak!
I’m a bit curious why the text IDs in chapter three and five are different. In chapter three, the IDs are “Yul” and “Fany<3”. The senders in chapter five are “Totoroismyhero” and “Takoyakilover”.
Extra [4/5]:
I’m fine with your poster. It’ very cute. Your format is very neat. I like it. Your chapter titles are short and sweet without giving everything away.
Also, do not bold words in your story. They are very distracting. If you want to emphasize something, italicize it.
Also, chapter four’s title, “Running Scared” doesn’t really make sense.
Total [0-100]: 79/100
Your overall scores combined.
A: 90-100
B: 80-89
C: 70-79
D: 60-69
F: 60-
I don’t really get why you switched from present tense (the description) to past tense (your writing). Why not make them the same tense? It’s not too much of a problem, so I let it pass.
Most of your grammar errors are commas. The rest are just careless issues. If I didn’t explain too well, you can always contact me. If you want, I’ll send you some helpful articles on commas. I’m sorry if I’m picky, but I can’t help but to point everything out.
Ugh so close to a B! Sorry but I hope you like the score. Keep working hard!
Thank you for requesting at our shop! Please contact me for any confusions, questions, etc. Hopefully I helped! Hope to see you again with even better fanfics! ~teuteelicious from **Starlight Review Shop**
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A/N: Infortunely, some of the chapters with reviews were deleted so I'm going to re-post everything....
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