Title: Welcome to SHINeBoys Cake House

Author: taeraa

Title [9/10]

It is catchy! And, in a way, the title is interesting, already telling the reader how the fic will be.

Foreword [8/10]

It's a different story, therefore the foreword is different. Is it appealing, considering you are welcoming the reader to the cake shop. You also give a bit of introduction to the characters of your story, that's good.

Creativity/Originality [7/10]

I have seen a lot of similar fanfics to this one out there, but since it is my first time actually reading one - I only read the foreword, if I don't like it, I don't keep on reading -, so I'll give you a pretty high score on this. ;)

Plot/Writing [8/20]

Your idea is really interesting. But the way you write it... This plot is not really well-written, if you understand what I mean. You don't develop the scenes. There are some parts I don't even understand what I'm reading (for example chapter 15, what happened there between the grey text and the black text? It's not really well explained). And there is this one too, they all met for the first time in front of the store - except for Jonghyun and Minho -, ok. But then, in chapter 15 you can see Minho already has feelings for Taemin and he just met him! And you didn't really show his feelings, they just appeared out of nowhere. How do I say this... you didn't develop their friendship outside the cake house. So, I kind of get what you want to do with this, you want to do random episodes of what happens in the cake shop, right? But I think you could have taken more time in writind and describing the characters. Also for the scenarios. I really like to see the scene playing on my head, but you don't give any description of what's going on, how the cake house looks like, how Onew's house looks like - because that's where we spend most time, according to the first chapters -... Not even a single description of that coffee shop Onew went (chapter 10), you only say it's classy, you could have written more about that! 

Your story is all about dialogues and few - almost non-existent - descriptions. I don't want to be mean, but I think you should take a look at that and see where you can get better, even if you have to re-write it! Because I think your idea is really, really good... and it's a pity you're not making the right use of it! :)

Characters [9/20]

You didn't really "go deep" with the characters. Ok, I can see that Taemin is really innocent and childish, and that Onew is a chicken-maniac, and that Key is a diva, but I only know that! I don't know their physical appearences, only that Taemin has blond hair and is really really pretty and that Minho is handsome. I think you could develop more that, it will make the story a lot more interesting!

Grammar/Spelling [9/20];

There are some errors I noticed, such as "he hate it when people kiss his cheek even if his umma". If you corrected it, it would turn out "He hates it when people kiss his cheek, even if it is his umma", which makes a lot more sense! Also goes for "onew slowly reached his fried chicken bucket and take out a drumstick that he eat earlier .". Should be "Onew slowly reached his fried chicken bucket and took out the (since he was only eating one, and we know which one was it) drumstick that he was eating earlier." Doesn't it seem better? :) 

You have to pay a lot of attention to the verbes. On the beggining of the first chapter you were writing using present continuous, but suddenly you dropped to a "poor" - sorry for the term - past continuous. I can see you have a lack of basis when it comes to the verb tenses. English is not your maternal language, right? :) Well, so isn't mine! I usually google to see if a word/verb is right. There is this awesome site (and many more) that can help you a lot, why don't you check it? :) http://bit.ly/PLkGY

Another thing I noticed is that you have no capitals on the first chapters. Capitals are really important, that's the basics, right? You use them when you finish a sentence and when you mention someone's name. Still on the same subject, there is one thing that annoys me here which is the space you leave before placing a dot or a question/exclamation mark like "hello , how are you ?". Besides being annoying to the reader, it is considered as an error, if I'm not mistaken.

Also, you lack the use of commas. See here: "onew let out a long heavy sigh as he wandering around the the neighborhood with a hope to find a person who is willing to be the chef of 'his' cake house." It's a huge sentence and you haven't placed a single comma! That is confusing to the reader, since there is no 'breathe' break. Besides, you have  a lot of errors like I mentioned earlier in this subject. After correcting it, it would be: Onew let out a long, heavy sigh as he wandered aroung the neighborhood, with hope to find a person willing to be the chef of 'his' cake house." There! :) 

I would point out more sentences with errors, but you don't allow text selection, which makes it complicated! :P

My opinion [4/10]

Like I said before, I really like the idea. But I am really strict when it comes to reading. I don't like to read stories with errors and few descriptions - which is what happens here... So, I think I should be honest, because that's all this is about, but I'm not going to 'attack' you, more like advise you to do this in a better way. The grammar errors and how you wrote it without capitals and commas makes it look annoying to the reader. I didn't really feel motivated reading this. You don't really develop the action of it... 

Actually, I don't think I am any better than you when it comes to writing, so I think we both have to improve! :) Don't take this as me being harsh, I'm trying to be serious about this :) Don't give up! The more you write, the better you become! 

By the way, I loved how they all turn out to be gay xD Or almost all of them, it's funny, I laughed a lot with those JongKey moments :P

Get better soon! :)

Cover  [1/2]

The cover here gives a really happy feeling to the story, it's really well done - i love b2utyfulshawol works! -, but it doesn't really go with the story, since like I said, you didn't develop the action, so there's not much to it.

TOTAL: 54 + 1

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