Valentine Love - sweetpink (Reviewer: TiaraL)
** Starlight Review Shop ** [CLOSED]
Title: Valentine Love
Author: sweetpink
Title: 3/5
I didn't find the title particularly interesting or eye-catching in any way. But I suppose it is appropriate since the fanfic is about Valentines Day. However I feel you could have used a slightly more compelling title that would really catch the readers' eye.
Description/Foreword: 3/5
Let's just say that the description basically revealed the entire story. I don't recommend writing such revealing descriptions (especially since the story was a oneshot) since it makes the reader lose interest. I found it basically passable, there were no grammar mistakes in the description so I was pretty much satisfied for that section.
PLOT
Originality: 5/10
The plot was very predictable and cliche. I understand that this was a Valentine confession oneshot, so it is unlikely that you can put a completely original twist on the plot, but I could basically see everything that would happen next. It's not like I can give you high marks for this department since I've read countless confession stories, but I have to give you props for making it all fit in one chapter I guess.
Character: 6/10
I was quite satisfied with this section. You successfully depicted Jaejoong and Yunho properly, and I could at least get a feel of what their character personalities were like in one chapter, which is very commendable since some authors have trouble establishing the personalities. The only thing that I disliked was that you failed to elaborate on Jaejoong and Yunho's relationship more. I couldn't really understand why Jaejoong felt such a strong attraction to Yunho. Did Yunho save Jaejoong in the past? Was it all simply an infatuation? I feel you could have gone so much further with the plot and the character with this.
Flow: 7/10
The flow was relatively easy to follow, and I could at least understand everything that was happening without having to go back and reread a part. The only part I found unrealistic was the fact that Jaejoong fell asleep and in a blink of an eye, school was over. I mean, that's not entirely practical since there are usually multiple periods and activities in school, not just one lesson. Other than that, I didn't find any other problem.
Ending: 8/10
I thought the ending was sweet, and it certainly fit the theme of Valentines day. I found that the way you ended it with Yunho saying "Happy Valentine!" very satisfying, as it really provided a sense of completion to the oneshot. Good job!
Writing style
Grammar: 3/10
I found numerous grammar mistakes in your oneshot, so I suggest you go and review it again to correct them. One thing I noticed that you did was blend in thoughts with sentences. I recommend that you write thoughts in italics, so as to avoid confusion on the reader's behalf.
What special occasion? Aish!
It should be:
What special occasion is it? Aish!
I noticed you also neglect a few words to complete your sentence sometimes. You also write in a very informal manner.
Not to be too ego, but its true, everyone loves me.
Not to be too egoistical, but it's true. Everyone loves me.
See the difference between? The second sentence seems more grammatically correct. You can also split up the sentences for a more dramatic effect.
Another thing is that you tend to make your sentences very short and jumpy.
I'll give him after school. I looked at him. He was smiling brightly as the girls nervously approached him with valentine gifts. I chuckled.
Corrected version:
I'll give it to him after school. I happened to glance in his direction and I chuckled when I saw him smiling brightly while girls nervously approached him with Valentine gifts.
See how the second sentence seems to flow so much better?
I won't dwell too much on the other mistakes since I think you get the idea. PM me if you are still unsure as to what I mean!
Vocabulary: 7/10
I was quite satisfied with your word choice. Of course there is always more room for improvement, but I honestly think that your grammar is your biggest problem. As of now, your vocabulary seems quite varied so I suggest you focus on correcting your grammar more.
Organization: 8/10
Your organization was quite well done and I could follow the story well. Good job!
Overall enjoyment: 12/20
I won't say that your oneshot made me eager for more, nor did it really stimulate my interest. But I could appreciate the sweet romance between Yunho and Jaejoong, and I thought that the idea was a relatively well-crafted one. To be honest, your writing style made me deduct some points from this section, since I'm very picky about this part. However, I enjoyed it nevertheless and just keep working on improving!~
TOTAL: 62/100
Thanks for requesting. Please comment above after picking it up and don't forget to credit :)
Comments