Deceiving the Gods - ObsidianTheatre (Reviewer: TiaraL)
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Title: Deceiving the Gods
Author: ObsidianTheatre
Title: [4/5]
The title is short and catchy, and I felt that it fit the genre well so you get high marks for this section. It exuded just the right amount of mystery and I genuinely felt interest in the story after reading the title. So good job!
Description: [3/5]
I took off some marks because I felt you could have improved the way you organized the description and the foreword. Generally, when one paragraphs a sentence, it can create a greater impact on the reader.
For example:
I shifted my eyes over, the gun still pressed against Nesoi's temple. Behind me, with a gun positioned over my heart, was Mickey, Park Yoochun, "You shoot her, I shoot you." Well at least I have the glory, the pride, of taking the second in command of the Naikaku Joho Chosasitu with me to the afterlife. I pulled the trigger.
I shifted my eyes over, the gun still pressed against Nesoi's temple.
Behind me, with a gun positioned over my heart, was Mickey, Park Yoochun.
"You shoot her, I shoot you."
Well at least I have the glory, the pride, of taking the second in command of the Naikaku Joho Chosasitu with me to the afterlife.
I pulled the trigger.
See how it leaves a stronger impression? I strongly recommend this for descriptions and forewords, but try not to use this technique too often in your writing. It can make your organization seem very disjointed if overused.
Your grammar and punctuation was relatively succinct, so I was quite satisfied with that section. Just a minor error though:
Spending most of their energy translating foreign publications that gathering substantial information, not only that, they have been accused of spying upon their own domestic soil. An accusation not far at all tall tale, why?
I found this sentence rather awkward, and a bit difficult to grasp. I wasn't exactly sure of the message you were trying to convey, so I corrected it according to my own impression of what you were trying to say:
Spending most of their energy translating foreign publications instead of gathering substantial information, and not only that, they have been accused of spying on their own domestic soil. An accusation that is not a far from the truth.
Why?
I changed a few words and rearranged the sentence a bit. If I had interpreted your sentence wrongly, then I apologise.
But I do suggest you go back and review your foreword :)
PLOT
Originality: [8/10]
I have to admit, I've read many fictions revolving around violence and bloodshed before, but I've never read a gang story like yours!~
It was very original, and I like how you managed to add your own thoughts and twists to a gang story that would otherwise have been rather bland.
Good job!~
Character: [5/10]
I have to give you a low grade on this section. One thing I noticed is that you like introducing characters without giving readers the time to absorb who the character really is. Furthermore, with so many characters in one story, it would be much better if you gradually exposed them to the readers instead of introducing them all at one go. Although your poster helped in letting me know who the various characters were, I felt you could have dont a better job in expressing them properly.
I found myself having to go and reread lots of chapters because I didn't know which company which character belonged to, or who was fighting who.
Also, I was confused at your organization of the chapters when I first read your fanfic, because it would say "CODENAME: POSEIDON" (or something like that) at the start and I had no idea what that meant.
I hope I'm properly conveying my point. If my thoughts sound too jumbled right now, then you can always PM me and I can tell you what I think in greater detail.
But overall, very confusing characters. I had to read up till Chapter 30 before I finally understood all the characters.
Flow: [5/10]
Somewhat passable but it would occasionally jump time zones and leave me disoriented. But I was generally satisfied and could follow the plot somewhat. I suggest you read your fanfic through (and this is something I do as well) and pretend that you have absolutely no clue of the story. If you have read through your fanfic, and you can understand every single thing without getting confused, it means that your flow is good.
But I honestly had trouble catching up with your story at times. Still, not too bad.
Ending: [N/A]
Not applicable, since your fanfic is still ongoing. No points deducted here.
Writing Style
Grammar: [7/10]
Your punctuation and tenses are generally fluent. I can tell that you know your grammar, so I was quite satisfied. Just a few minor errors, and once again, I feel the need to bring up the issue of your paragraphing.
Many authors make this mistake of not paragraphing after each spoken sentence. (it's actually how books are written formally)
I tend to make this mistake too, so do review your chapter before posting it so as to prevent this from happening.
"Well," I began, stalling for time. "Even if I was, how will you stop me?" my German was rough, I don't care if he understood me or not, it isn't a priority. "What if the bomb has already been set? Slowly ticking down to the last seconds. We all will die." I taunted. Surely I haven't done so yet, the Queen wasn't it direct aim.
Corrected version:
"Well," I began, stalling for time.
"Even if I was, how will you stop me?"
My German was rough, I don't care if he understood me or not, it wasn't a priority.
"What if the bomb has already been set? Slowly ticking down to the last seconds. We will all die." I taunted.
Surely I haven't done so yet, since the Queen wasn't at direct aim.
I changed some words too. I guess you know what I mean and if you don't, you can always PM me.
Vocabulary: [9/10]
I was very very impressed with your wide range of vocabulary. Especially since most authors on AFF tend to neglect this section :) There are occasional lapses, but I chose to ignore those since vocabulary is a difficult section to score in.
I like that you use lots of synonyms for different words, so keep it up!~ ^^
Organization: [6/10]
Not too bad. But like I said, just work a bit on your paragraphing and you're fine. Huge chunks of words can look unappealing and cluttered, so like I said, just keep rereading your chapters!~
Overall Enjoyment: [12/20]
Your story was somewhat confusing, and that spoilt it a bit for me. But I could definitely appreciate the proficient writing, and the idea and concept is great! It didn't exactly have me gripping my chair in excitement or anything, but I was generally pleased with it.
TOTAL: 69/100
Keep it up, and I'm not the perfect author either but I hope this advice helped somewhat :)
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