HATE x HATE = (L . O . v . E)^2? - NomightyCopYCaT (Reviewer: teuteelicious)
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Author: NomightyCopYCaT
Title [2/10]:
Sorry but your title sounds super cliché to me at first. I don’t know if it has any deeper meanings, but it didn’t attract my attention. Maybe it’s just me. I find these titles an ongoing trend. At first, it was cool, but after seeing a bunch of these, I lost interest. I am sorry but I just don’t get the meaning of it. I’m not sure if the story is related to it to start with. Also, I didn’t think it made much sense.
You did a great job with chapter titles, so why not do the same with the story’s title? Unless there’s really a good reason why you named it this.
Description/Foreword [3/5]:
I find your foreword okay until the last part. Totally got me curious at the content of the box. Good job! Although I kind of guessed what the plot was about, but it’s okay. It’s not that obvious. Here are some mistakes I found in your writing.
“MinHee needed to pound someone & that someone happened…” Symbols and abbreviations make your fanfic looks very unprofessional. Replace “&” with a comma, then add the word “and” after it.
“Lee Joon, the nerdiest boy in school was also Cho MinHee’s childhood nemesis.” “The nerdiest boy in the school” doesn’t need to be there for the sentence to make sense, but it is there to provide more information. Whenever you have a phrase that interrupts the flow of the original context, you must always put commas around it. Add another comma after “school”.
“… her friendliness and since childhood…” Always put a comma in front of the conjunction if it joins two complete sentences together.
“Joon always managed to defeat MinHee and from years of rejection and defeat was all she harbored for Joon was sheer HATRED!” I am so sorry but this sentence is extremely lengthy and confusing. I reread like five times, and still can’t get it. Please fix this sentence because I have no idea what you meant.
Originality [10/15]:
I’ve seen this plot many times before: childhood friends and enemies. I can’t give you many points on this part here. But I did find the cousin part different than usual. I mean, every story is cliché nowadays, so I can’t mark you all the way down. the cliché parts in your story won’t be counted as much as you think.
Characters [8/10]:
I’m perfectly fine with all of your characters. All of them are very well defined. I love how you managed to bring out both sides of Joon. MinHee is fine too, although her thoughts seem a bit girly for a tomboy. Her personality seemed quite cute, too. And her dressing style did not match what I think a violent girl would wear.
Plot/Writing [18/20]:
First, I have to say this. Don’t use pictures in the middle of your chapters. You can introduce it later for the readers, but putting it right smack in the middle of the page is extremely non-professional. Instead of putting a picture, break the picture down into parts and use words to describe it. Your writing is good, and I’m sure it won’t even be a problem for you. Other than that, the rest is fine.
The way you wrote went well with the plot. Again, don’t put in too much unessential details. Put only what you need. You don’t need to tell every little part for a story. For example, you don’t need to list out full details of every single step a character does to get ready. You can cut it and briefly go over how they come out in the end.
Grammar [14/25]:
Please note that I do not point out where all the mistakes are. I will point out where it is first seen. Make sure to go back and fix it based on your own knowledge.
Chapter 1:
“Student’s all settle down…” Firstly, “student’s” is not supposed to be possessive since nothing in the sentence belongs to them. Delete the apostrophe. Secondly, most of your fanfic is written in past tense, so change “settle” to “settled”. Do the same to the sentence following it.
“… a.k.a the-genius-who-refuses-to-study.” You don’t need hyphens in between chain of words unless you want to use it as an adjective. You’re using it as a noun in this case; so just replace all hyphens with spaces. Also, fix “refuses” to “refused” to make the tense match up.
“… her favorite perfume flavor was VANILLA?” This sentence contains a word choice problem. “Flavor” means something that involves your taste buds and smell. I don’t think anyone would taste perfume. Instead, use “fragrance” because it is used when you’re talking about smell.
“About two seats diagonally in front of Joon a girl with long, straight brown hair watched Joon…” First of all, whenever you start off with a weak clause, you must put commas after it. “About” could be considered in the weak clause list. Place a comma after “Joon”. Second, try replacing “watched Joon” with “watched him” since you already mentioned his name in the sentence. It’s abundant to mention his name again.
“… there was still 30 minutes…” When you have numbers under a hundred, and is a multiple of ten, please spell it out.
“So, instead of staying back doing nothing he thought…” Please use a comma to separate different parts of the sentence. The first part after “instead” is not what Joon is currently doing. Instead, it tells the reader what Joon didn’t do. The second part of the sentence is saying what Joon is actually doing (thinking). So, they serve two total different purposes. That’s the reason why you place a comma after “nothing”. Usually, phrases following “instead” have commas after them, but there are exceptions.
“‘Annyonghaseyo’ said Joon with a bow.” Please put punctuation marks at the end of your quotes. You can also place a comma there.
“Is you’re your back…” Remove “you’re” because the sentence doesn’t make sense with it.
Chapter 2:
“She nearly feinted!” “Feinted” means to make a distracting movement. The word you need is spelled “fainted”.
“… quickly examined MinHee’s heat-beat…” I don’t get what you meant by “heat-beat”. I think it would make more sense if you put “heartbeat” instead.
“… it’s time you controlled that temper of your and delt with things…” “Controlled” should not be in past tense because this is a direct command given by a character. Do not ever conjugate commands. Also, “delt” should be “deal” because it is also a command.
Chapter 3:
“Joon P.O.V” Make sure to make “Joon” possessive because the P.O.V belongs to him.
“I’ll show him whose boss the next time we play starcraft.” Firstly, “whose” is a possessive word; you only use it when asking for the owner of an object. Fix it to “who’s”. Secondly, capitalize “starcraft” because it is a name of a game.
“… our math teacher Ms. Lee wouldn’t let me in.” If a character is sufficiently identified, the description before or after it is considered nonessential, so the name must be surrounded by commas. Place a comma after “teacher” and “Lee”.
“… look around. Trying to make out the feelings and thoughts of people by gauging and analysing their slight facial cues can both be…” This sentence is long and confusing. I didn’t get what you meant. My best guess is “… look around, trying to make out the feelings and thoughts of people by gauging and analysing their slight facial cues. It could both be highly stimulating and fun.”
“… right after school end.” Either you change this sentence to “right afterschool”, or make it “right after school ended.”
“… producers of Ripley’s believe it or not to contact me.” First, please capitalize titles correctly. Second, put quotation marks around titles when a character is saying it. Fix the sentence to “… Ripley’s ‘Believe It or Not’ to contact me.”
“… had to durst in…” Change “durst” to “burst”.
“… during her pms and her weakness was because of that…” Change “pms” to “PMS”. I don’t get what you mean by “and her weakness was because of that”.
“‘Apolozise?...” Make sure to spell “apologize/apologise” correctly.
Chapter 4:
“In his trips down memory lane…” Change “trips” to singular because he’s really just making one trip. In reality, no one really say “trips”.
“… he buried his love fro his best-friend…” Firstly, fix “fro” to “for”. Secondly, replace the hyphen with a space. Do not ever put hyphens between words unless they act together as one adjective.
“… to Seoulat…” Put a space between the “l” and “a”.
“… and STOP all over you…” I think you meant “stomp” here.
“… by his time deadline ad too hazed…” Remember to double-check your chapters! Make sure you spell everything correctly. Change “ad” to “and”.
Chapter 5:
“‘______________’” Instead of doing that, you can write something like “Dara whispered a few words over the phone to MinHee.” I think those blanks look very strange and awkward.
“It’s 6:15now…” Change this error to “It’s 6:15. Now…”
“… Joon asked hurt.” You can’t use “hurt” to describe a verb (asked). Anyway, you can either change “hurt” into an adverb, “hurtfully”, or add a comma after “asked” to make sure “hurt” is describing Joon, not his actions.
Chapter 6:
“… vivid dreams and déjà vu-s.” The correct way to write the plural of the word is either “déjà vus” or “déjà-vus”.
“Joon strut out the front door…” Change “strut” to “strutted”.
“… blocked his companion ot completely…” Fix the spelling of “ot” to “out”.
“… on various occassons…” Fix “occassons” to “occasions”.
The last part of this chapter contains various careless mistakes, including capitalization and spelling errors. Try fixing it in your own time. I thought that pointing out every little mistake in every review would be too much.
Other [8/10]:
Your story is cute, and I can see every chapter has something interesting in it. Try to get to the without too much dragging. I thought some parts were quite unnecessary. I quite enjoyed this fic.
Extra [2/5]:
Your poster isn’t blended well. There are rough edges on the guy in the right. The girl’s arm and body got cut off. Why not fade them a little? It’ll look better.
Your format is neat; it is very easy to read. It bothers me how some of your words at the beginning of the sentence aren’t capitalized. Also, since I have major OCD problems, some of your paragraphs bother me. Why? Some of them are indented and some of them aren’t. I’m so sorry but it’s killing me.
Also, your lines seemed to be typed out. Instead of doing that, which makes the lines uneven, why not press the “Insert a Horizontal Line” button from the text box?
Whenever you want to emphasize a word (not yell), italicize it. Words with caps lock mean a person is yelling something. Don’t underline words.
By the way, please put a line in chapter two where you switched from third person POV to first. Remember to label and make it clear whom the point of view belongs to. Also, place lines in places where you switch scenes.
Some of your titles are capitalized incorrectly. Remember to capitalize important words! Here’s the list of correct capitalization. By the way, Chapter 4’s title was really cool!
Chapter One: Letters – His Feelings
Chapter Two: A Fight, a Warning, and a Promise
Chapter Three: CheonDoong and MinHee under a Window, D.R.I.P.P.I.N.G~
(You don’t need a period after “G”)
Chapter Five: Escorted by My ‘Lovely’ Enemy
Chapter Six: Escorted by My ‘Lovely’ Enemy [Part II]
Total [0-100]: 65/100
Your overall scores combined.
A: 90-100
B: 80-89
C: 70-79
D: 60-69
F: 60-
I notice that you used a lot of hyphens and dashes incorrectly. Make sure to use them only when you’re connecting more than one word together to form an adjective.
Some of your sentences are very confusing. The context needed some punctuation to clear it up. you switched tenses a lot. Stay with one tense! You wrote mostly in past, so keep everything past tense (with the exceptions of direct speech and thoughts).
I seriously think you deserve a lot more than this, but I can’t just change the score. It’s your title that brought your points down by a lot. Your writing is great; in fact, it’s better than most fanfic writers. Your grammar is pretty average. In conclusion, keep up the good work!
It took a while to do this review with weird occurrences on AFF. Sorry that I took a long time, and was quite strict. Extremely strict, actually. Thank you for requesting at our shop. Hopefully this helped! ~teuteelicious at **Starlight Review Shop**
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Please read the A/N of Chapter 40!! It's important!!
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