Title: Instant Babymaker

Author: Bluapple

Title [7/10]:

Your title is catchy and original in a way. I liked it, it’s different and it relates to the story, but I found it hard to understand what was it about.

Description/Foreword [2/10]:

Your description is related to the story but it’s WAY too confusing. You used some useless commas separated sentences, as a reader I felt confused. Only after reading your four chapters I understood what you wanted to say.

Look at what you wrote:

Dara assumed that if she will retain her ity, her boyfriend will love her more. But when her boyfriend, Youngbae, got irritated by her acts of being conservative. He broke up with her.

 After that. She gave her ity to a stranger.

 Jiyong never thought that being the 'baby-maker' will make his heart ram wild again. He just knew that girls will drool over him just to destroy themselves by using him.

You used unnecessary paragraphs as well and changed the present and the past tense a lot. Not even mentioning the mistakes! You should choose a verb tense once for all. This is my suggestion of correcting:

Dara assumed that if she retained her ity, her boyfriend would love her more. But when her boyfriend, Youngbae, got irritated by her acts of being conservative and broke up with her.  After that, she planned to give her ity to a stranger.

Jiyong never thought that being the 'baby-maker' would make his heart ram wild again. He just knew that girls would drool over him just to destroy themselves by using him.

Your description would be fine if it wasn’t that confusing. I didn’t understand what the connection was until I thought that maybe that stranger would be the babymaker. But since you wrote that with the past tense I wasn’t sure.

I changed the middle scene because it connects better the first and second sentences, but not only that, it makes readers think if she gave or not, to whom and such… isn’t that right?

I don’t get your foreword. You have a quote only and any explanations.

By the way, out of curiosity… Is there going to be a baby on it? Or not?

Originality [5/10]:

I didn’t read many with the same gender but I think this isn’t something totally original.

It was made before but I can accept it because it seems creative.

Plot/Writing [6/22]:

Your story is still on beginning and it is dragging a bit.  But the problem was not that… Your plot is interesting and I respect you for not showing the other main character already but you have some issues you need to solve really quickly.

You do some unnecessary paragraphs between sentences and your style of posting is not appealing. Two paragraphs between sentences, text not justified… This is not that relevant right now but it made it a bit painful to read the story. If you wanted to make it seem a bigger chapter then make the font bigger or wait and mark it private until you get more ideas and post a bigger chapter.

You change too much from past tense to present tense and vice-versa. Not only that you make something that should be inacceptable that is changing it in the same sentences! You should choose a style and stick to it otherwise it will be hard for readers to understand and read.

You have some wrong usages of words; you also don’t give many descriptions – and sometimes you needed it. It was okay but I think you could re-write the first chapter when you wrote about Jyoung and Kiko… Since it was the chapter where you wanted to show Jiyoung’s playboy side you should make it deeper.

Characters [3/10]:

Were your characters interesting? Confusing? Too contradictory?

I still don’t understand Kiko at all. You could explain her background using the Narrator Pov, not only by her thoughts even though that’s already good you wrote her thoughts.

I can understand Jiyoung a bit but I didn’t associate the reason why he wanted to call the other girl until I understood the description. I felt like she was looking for a dad of the baby but it also didn’t make sense.

I wish you’ll write Jiyoung’s character deeply.

And I also wish to know Dara’s character, she still didn’t appear on the fic yet and even if she did it wasn’t much to make me understand (I mean, as Jaekyung).

Your characters weren’t confusing, interesting or contradictory. I only read four chapters and with a slow flow so I can’t really tell but so far Jiyoung’s character is the one you went deeply but also the one you still to work out the most.

Grammar/Vocabulary [4/23]:

Your vocabulary is a bit basic and your grammar is not that bad, it would be fine if you didn’t mix the verb tenses! It spoiled everything up!

Please choose one of the options and stick with that! I’ll correct some but my correction will be useless if you don’t re-read it and choose which verb tense you want to use. Because if I correct it for the present and you choose past tense everything is meanless. You understand what I mean?

You wrote a lot with the past and then moved to the present… I think I’ll use past tense for your correction (Note: The correction I’m doing is mostly for the sentences you have some English/grammar mistakes but I took the advantage of changing it too.).

1. The words stated at the paper bill is were clear, even the lettering is was neat: "Wanted: Instant Babymaker", He laughed at the paper bill looking like a maniac. And to whoever did that, he didn't think that it was true, it is seemed more like a prank or a joke to him. He never thought that the writings were sincere and pure. Perhaps those writings were only written by those people who do not never coped up with their own lives. But when he read it again he noticed that, the name, address and telephone number of the woman/girl is was also written.

2. One thing played in Jiyong's mind. What if he go to that stated address and tell to told whoever that girl was that he is was interested in her paper bill ad? 'Aish it's nonsense' Jiyong thought. Then he then put the paper bill back to his wallet and separated it to from the other bills.

3. His thoughts were interrupted when he found his self himself parking his car in front of his girlfriend's house, Mizuhara Kiko.

4. Kiko shoved her face infront of Ji. She being aggresive is was what Jiyong needs needed. She being steamy and hot all the time they will have had is was the thing that would makes Jiyong's blood boil and crave for more.

5. The sun is was shining brightly when Jiyong woke up. On the other hand, Kiko is was still in on her own dreamland when Jiyong planned to go home. It's It was Sunday and it's was his off from work.

6. "Bullsh-t." Kiko cursed while throwing her phone on to the other side of the bed. Jiyong had neglected her again. How can could she make him fall in love with love her? That's was the thing she don't didn't know. She've had already done many things. She surrendered herself to him. But all og of those things were seemeds to be normal to for Jiyong.

7. She's watchinged her own reflection, her full s, her slim waist and her silky smooth skin. *eew* What is was Jiyong looking for? She had everything. She'd the only heir of their international company. They haved many real estates in different countries.

8. It’s was already midnight and he was ’s on the middle of a hot-steamy with some other , he knows knew that she likesd him so much that she was is willing to throw her body all over him. Until he heard a some voice.

9. “You, Kwon Jiral! the hell out of you. That’s my girlfriend you’re banging with!” While the man was is shouting outside his gate, Jiyoung he immediately pulled out and stood up to see the raging man outside.

10. Jiyong wanted to shrink on what he had just read.

11. The next day, it’s was still early when Jiyong called the girl. The first girl he'd waste his time off.

12. Exactly when he grabbed his steering wheel, his handy phone inside his car rang ringed. Jiyong smiled, maybe that’s was the call he was is waiting for, and before it riang again, he answered it.

13. After a few minutes of driving he reached his office and all of his employees greeted him. When he entered his room, he found it really it’s clean and well arranged.

14. All of his attention where was focused on one thing, : the telephone. He apparently dialed Jaekyung’s number, it’s like as if his body moved for its own.

15. He effortlessly shoved his back on his swivel chair. What’s was this feeling ramming inside him? He didn't doesn’t know. He didn’t want to think that he hasd fallen in love with Jaekyung because that will would be odd. He didn’t even see her face. - See how you changed from "doesn't" to "didn't" and vice-versa?

How much I enjoyed your story / Overall Excitement [3/10]:

Since I didn’t understand the description at first, it was difficult to keep reading without getting bored. I think it would be more pleasant if you developed the fanfic in other way.

Your writing, putting aside the verb tenses and those useless paragraphs, was fine but it needs to be a little bit deeper/understable.

Since it’s only the beginning and the other main character isn’t even appearing yet I can’t say much about your fanfic. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have requested but that I didn’t form a general opinion because it is hard to do that with so less foundations.

Your fanfic is a bit boring because you have no twists, you spoke about the same thing in each chapter. If it was Kiko, a whole chapter dedicated to Kiko and her thoughts. If Jiyoung called the unknown girl you’d dedicate a chapter to it and not even develop it.

Extra [3/5]:

If your fanfic’s qualification is not that positive, I can give you some points if I feel you deserved it from your effort/dedication to it.

You have no poster/background, okay.

The chapter’s title were fine but the chapter three’s… You shouldn’t write “encounter” but “meeting” and there was no meeting between them, just a call… So it’s a bit out of place for me.

I said it already that your paragraphs made it harder to read. Not only that but because you shouldn’t separate dependent sentences. Like this:

- "Dara assumed that if she will retain her ity, her boyfriend will love her more. But when her boyfriend, Youngbae, got irritated by her acts of being conservative. He broke up with her.

 After that. She gave her ity to a stranger.   "      

-" After a few minutes. Kiko pulled a small rectangular box from her drawer. She opened it in front of Ji. Inside it there was a male's necklace with a heart-shaped locket as a apendant.

 Jiyong opened the locket and found his and Kiko's picture inside."

- "Jiyong poured some alcohol to Kiko's glass. While the others were making out in the living room they started to get drunk.

 After that, Jiyong knows what will happen next."

And so on… and I deleted the double paragraphs you did in the middle of those two sentences/paragraphs.

Your chapter length was coherent even though they were small haha Even with all those spaces you did you only get between two and five chapters.

I also didn’t understand some of the colours you used in the middle of the chapters.

Bonus [2/10]

You can kill me and say i'm too strict but I can't help it. Keep improving and then blow my mind ;)

 [Points: 35-100]

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