Title: A Walk on the Beach

Author: gongch4n

Title [6/10]

The title is not catchy, but I found it nice and interesting. It does relate to the story.

Description/Foreword [6/10]

Your description is interesting. You just need to add more paragraphs.

Also, pay attention to the verb tenses – if you use past tense keep it ‘till the end. Don’t randomly change it.

Like this:

EXO was in California for SM Town and everyone was either at an amusement park, a coffee shop, or at the beach.

Being the introvert he is, Tao decided to stay home, but he didn't get to stay long since Chanyeol and Lay wanted to go to Laguna Beach. Tao didn't want to say "yes", but he didn't want to say "no" either, so he just went along.

Tao liked s, but he would rather be by himself. Anywho, he went with Chanyeol and Lay as an attempt to try to get out...and so that the other members would stop bothering him.

Anything can could happen as someone takes a walk on a beach. Someone could be kidnapped. Someone could be hurt. Someone could even die. Who knows?  Anything could happen.

It relates to the story, and it gives enough suspense and motivation to make readers interested on reading.

Originality [4/10]

It seems you wrote this as a test for your writing, an attempt of writing something more detailed/complete, but that is just my assumption, not something that would be important for the review anyway.

Your story is too descriptive in a way, on the other hand you have not a lot to say. It could be better if you developed the main action, I would be able to give you more points. The way you wrote it had no soul; you started by giving a lot of descriptions but finished by writing just a bit of the “” of the story. It lost its sense.

Plot/Writing [15/22]

Your plot was fine, I guess. You started and finished it coolly, even though I still think the main action was poorly treated.

Your writing almost gave me a headache. Not because it was that bad, but it was so confusing that I had to re-read your first paragraphs. I mean, you have vocabulary, but the way you join your ideas, your sentences, doesn’t fit. You barely do paragraphs, you mix sentences that can’t be mixed and mix verb tenses. If you write always everything using the past tense then don’t change it to the present.

I chose to add some minor examples, also because most of it will be shown on the grammar section:

a) Originally, we were going to go on a hike, but instead we ended up going on a long walk along the beach. -  I think this sentence is out of place since you were describing the surroundings and the feelings of the character before and after it.                                                  

Just an example of verb tenses (you have still a lot before and after this one):

b) Chanyeol is a rather adventurous but naive guy, always wanting to do new things and just thinking that he could possibly help me "broaden the horizons" by going out more often.

The ocean was singing for me and I just wanted to punch it in its face. Gravity was also getting on my nerves, my face sinking into despair. I can feel that salty ocean wisps on my face, and the seagulls were just squawking away. I just wished the birds were extinct at this point. The murky tide engulfed my ankles as I looked back, watching how far we walked--which wasn't much.

Time would pass and I could feel myself teetering back and forth as we strode along the shore, my hand occasionally smacking into my phone that shot back and forth in my pocket. It hurt a little bit, but what really agitated me was the tentacle-looking seaweed that was rotting and getting covered in flies everywhere we went. The bunch resembled a decomposing body and the ocean tasted like a sewer. It looked clean, but I could feel the presence of waste just marinating in the body of water.

See the underlined sentences? See the confusion of verb tenses? My suggestion is to keep it on the past. I’ll keep going…

By now, we were half-way across the shore; the tides resembled bipolar disorder--from a passive happy cookie baking grandmother to a raging woman on her monthly "adventure". The shore was slanted as my right foot was lower than my left, as the expensive buildings and houses on my left remained in their well-constructed state. The beige and marble colored buildings added a finishing to the buildings, admiring the design was able to distract me from our walk and I noticed that less and less people entered my peripheral vision. The angle of the sun now hit the water, turning the ocean into a giant pool of glitter, as if the galaxy puked right on us.

As we walked even further, we began to see more orange, seal-looking people who were probably locals. By the looks of it, we reached a region of the beach where most people never visit; it seemed a little too peaceful. In the same area, we slowly approached a large arc, which had a palatial house on it. Beyond the arch lay there was a large area that was mostly covered in jagged mussels. We were waiting for the water blocking the entrance the recede so we could continue onward where we saw two sketchy people leave which just reminded me of how I wasn't fond of the ocean today.

Many people admired the blow hold, an underwater arch with a hole where people can could jump into and emerge from the other end, and the view of the calm waters of the ocean. After a few minutes, I waited as Chanyeol and Lay took pictures at the site. I decided to wait for a reply from any of my text messages, hoping that someone wanted to be my friend for a few minutes.

I used this long paragraph to show you something. If you do paragraphs I’m sure your story will be more appealing. I also corrected some mistakes along the way so I won’t mention it on the grammar section anymore.

c) I stumbled upon one of the elevated steps while trying to witness what had happened, my shin bleeding from the rocks and his head not bobbing up until moments later on the other side - wow. This is what we call a quick description. You mixed three different things in only one, you should be careful with the characters description and feelings. Everything on its place, don’t rush things if you don’t want your readers to get confused. The same with this one:  Chanyeol just had lots of water in his system according to the doctor and it wasn't until an hour later when our manager realized that I had a large bleeding gash on my leg.   

Your story can improve if you add dialogues, or some leisure moments to make it interesting. Don’t only describe it or go straight to the subject, give life to your characters. Bring their essence to reality. Let them have feelings. Give them souls.

Characters [3/10]

Your characters didn’t have a lot to say. I liked how you described Chanyeol at first, but later I realised it was only a sentence. There were no dialogues to show their thoughts to allow us to feel what they feel, so they weren’t interesting or confusing.

I liked Tao, but he wasn’t that characterised either.

Grammar/Vocabulary [17/23]

I think your vocabulary is nice, but you could do a lot more with your grammar.

a) It was a Saturday morning at Laguna Beach,. My eyes were swollen and my face blank upon watching people walk by, laughing and yelling.

b) which just so happened to be their face – what do you mean by this?

c) Even if I were to die at any second, this guy would still force you me to be go to different places so that you could "get hang out more".

d) The man almost reached Chanyeol but when a large wave had separated them, but a large and younger man had appeared after it.

e) I phoned out our manager and normally told them about what happened. and He reacted very thoroughly and was on his way to pick us up. The lifeguards had done did breathing tests on Chanyeol and gave me a napkin to clean my uncared blood, it was very uncared for, but and  then they left. and It was left ended with us three again climbing the nearest giant flight of stairs to wait for our manager to reach the location. 

f) There went my plans, but I knew for sure that out of many of those gut feeling moments, these would be one of those which would assure me that my gut and caution is was a big advocate for me. Plus, taking me out of an introverted state will would result in a very harsh consequence.

It's been a year since the incident, but it reminds me of what could have been avoided if someone had listened to me. The ocean is very unpredictable. – Your conclusion is simple yet nice. Just do a paragraph, and this time you can use the present tense.

How much I enjoyed your story [4/10]

When I first saw your story (without reading it, just scrolling down at it after pasting it on Microsoft Word) I got excited. It seemed pleasant to read and review.

It is a nice and simple oneshot, but it would be nicer if it was less confusing and if it had some other moments too.

Extra [3/5]

No poster, background or chapter titles.

Since it was just one chapter its length shouldn’t apply but I have to say you could do a lot more. Just a page and half is kind of short, you could add something more.

Your fanfic is neat and organised.

Bonus [2/10]

Total: [60/100]

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