The Thin Line Between You and Him - one_in_a_million (Reviewer: Lady_Mitsuki)
** Starlight Review Shop ** [CLOSED]
Author: one_in_a_million
Title [5/10]:
I was going to say your title was original, but then I found that it wasn’t, there are lots of fanfics with the same titles.. I don’t understand why/how did you come up with it, is there any meaning behind? It’s a bit… that kind of cliché titles writers use a lot on romance stories.
If I saw your title by chance I wouldn’t be interested. First, because your title was a bit long and simple. Second, because it is not a title that would catch my attention right away. It doesn’t show anything about the story.
Since you have a good idea for the description, why not writing something related? I mean you write about a fairy tile and shoes… although I don’t understand how you came up with it and decided to use it on your story, I think it would be cool to have a title that could match it.
Description/Foreword [5/10]:
Your description is interesting and catchy. I just think you could use different words for that, it makes the description too simple. The main topic is there, but change the way you write.
I can’t find a relation to the story, maybe only the part of the “two guys with the same shoe” (lol). But since it is a figurative title I’ll let it pass… But it would have been a lot more interesting if the description/title was related to the story.
Originality [6/10]
Your story it’s not original, but nowadays where can we find some? That was the reason I had to change my rubric back then, I didn’t think it was fair to give a lot of points in this category because originality was hard to find.
I like how you don’t start from the beginning. I find it a bit boring to read the first chapters of fanfics about how they first met, became a couple and such. And you started by talking about Nickhun and Nana’s relationship, it was cool. I like the flow of your story, it is interesting and consistent.
Plot/Writing [17/22]:
I like how your story flows. You are able to go step by step and not rush things. Somehow you drag some happenings a little bit, but that’s totally fine with me.
Your writing… Your vocabulary is average and simple. Your sentences are too long or too short sometimes and it made me confused. It’s not a really interesting style for me.
You also change the verb tenses a lot. You go to the past and to the present pretty easily and it shouldn’t be right. Especially if using the 1st person pov.
I liked your story, it was a bit difficult to read because it started dragging a bit on the middle chapters. I felt a bit bored, but overall I liked it. I like how you first introduced Jonghyun and their relationship before randomly say she is already in love with him, or how you showed her controversial feelings for both of them. It was pretty cool. Your flow was consistent, it made us, readers, understand the characters a lot more.
Characters [9/10]:
Your characters were interesting. And mature, I liked that!
Jonghyun is… and Khun…. I can’t find the one I’d want as a boyfriend. They’re both great! Just think you should in the future develop a bit those feelings between Victoria and Khun and what they feel exactly.
Because of your long flow, we were able to know more about them and identify with them. You didn’t go on detail about their lifes and such but in those chapters you were able to share it with your readers and make them understand the characters without going straight to the subject and say that Nana is X and Khun Y. I liked that. I didn’t find them confuse or contradictory in any way, and I liked that. I honestly think that, from the fanfics I reviewed, you’re the only writer who was able to make me understand the characters fully.
I’m strict when it comes to characters and the story’s flow because I feel that writing a story should be done seriously and realistically. If we create characters, then we should give them a proper life and not play with their heads. Sorry, but I feel that. I’m weird, aren’t I?
You showed the characters perfectly to the point readers like them all (taking away Krystal and Victoria maybe). My readers usually never sympathize with the main girl (*sighs*)
Grammar/Vocabulary [15/23]
Argh, I finished reading your A/N (I was reviewing while reading.. I had taken a lot of time to get your review done so I couldn’t take any longer, it wouldn’t be correct), and I wondered if I should do this. If you checked my other fanfics, you’ll notice how my reviews are strict. The maximum I gave was a 65 or a 70? Something like that? But I think I’m getting slowly better, more understanding. I just want to help you!
Argh, I finished reading your A/N (I was reviewing while reading.. I had taken a lot of time to get your review done so I couldn’t take any longer, it wouldn’t be correct), and I wondered if I should do this. If you checked my other fanfics, you’ll notice how my reviews are strict. The maximum I gave was a 65 or a 70? Something like that? But I think I’m getting slowly better, more understanding. I just want to help you!
Why did I mention this on first place? Because I have an habit of finding some mistakes, paste and correct it. Not all, but some of them. I’m afraid that if you see it you’ll feel sad about it and unmotivated, but I like to point out some of the mistakes.
What is a review if you just say “your grammar had some mistakes but it was cool overall./your grammar was not great, you should improve” and don’t show exactly WHERE you should improve!? That’s my point. I don’t mind to loose hours of my time just to do that. But I’m reticent… I’ll still do it ok? Like I do in all my fanfics. But if you get sad, I’ll just shoot my head. You’ll commit a murder without noticing. Our subscribers are the witnesses. T.T
Oh, your vocabulary was nice. Not too complicated but still able to transmit what you wanted to show to the readers.
First of all, you use a lot of times the word “your”, I really think you should change it to “you’re” or “you are”. You’re writing a story, not only typing or chatting on social networks. It gets more professional and fine.
Now, to the mistakes.. I couldn't type all but there's some of them. I think you could get a beta reader to review your story in detail, but your mistakes are not something you do systematically.
1) "It's still about half an hour! We have to take a bus. Don’t you know how far the school is from here. You could have at least bring brought a car." I felt bad after saying I said it since he did come all the way here. But I was disappointed because I thought I wouldn't of had to walk today.
2) We got to the School gate and the first thing I noticed is were the weird looks I'm was getting from girls. Walking to school with one of the its popular guys at school and suddenly everyone will looked like if they would kill you. I heard whispers and made out some of it.
3) "... Oh that… N-Actually, yes!" What? What is he saying? He put his arm around my waste waist and smiled.
4) "Woa...you're very pretty. You should have told me! I'm happy for you." She smiled at me and Key before saying bye to and leave.
5) I opened the door for Victoria like every other day... I walked school in with Victoria and she stopped me. - I didn't understand this part . what do you mean is
a) i walked in to school with victoria and she stopped me
b) i walked to school with victoria and she stopped me (?)
6) I felt extremely jealous when I seeaw her wave Key goodbye with that cute smile. Wait a minute. It's Is Na Na doing this on purpose… to make me jealous?
7) "You'dll get it back if you tell me something no one knows." I told her and took a spoonful of ice cream just to .
8) "It feels good… to talk about it with someone other than my mom." Na Na said and laughed a bit. Even though she's trying to look fine, she had a glimpse of sadness in her eyes. I feel mad… I don’t know why. The fact that they dated bothers me. The fact that she'd looks so sad bothers me. The way she said his name bothers me. But them breaking up didn't bother me so much. - see the verb tenses??
9) "Maybe you should be more of like a girl." Jonghyun said continuing to fix his bangs.
"Maybeyou should be less of like a girl. What's with your hair anyways? It's like 3 different colors."
10) What does he keep coming forward? I stopped when I hit the walk behind me and couldn’t go any further, yet Jonghyun kept coming forward. He stopped when our noses was were almost touching. Jonghyun had a very unique smell, a good unique smell. - see verb tenses again?
11) "No. I am not messing with her! I happen to like her!" I yelled back. The guy's eyes looked like it was they were about to fall off.
12) "Yes! I do. And the last thing I want to see is some jerk hurting her because he happened to take some sort of small interest in her that's probably not going to last very long." - such a long sentence, hard to accompany.
13) You know… I saw Khun a couple of days ago… And… He said something… that's made me think. A lot…"
14) "Aigoo. I knew my baby will would blush for me one day."
15) "So what, just because we're alike we shouldn’t be together? If you honestly believe that opposites attract crap then wake up! This is real life! Not a physics class. Opposites doesn't work. You and Na Na doesn't work."
How much I enjoyed your story / Overall Excitement [7/10]
Your story was good. I wasn’t expecting to like your story so much, but I did. It was just boring because it dragged a bit. It has nothing to do with the flow of the story, but somehow there were some isolated moments that bothered me as a reader who was anxious to read what was going to happen next.
Your story was good. I wasn’t expecting to like your story so much, but I did. It was just boring because it dragged a bit. It has nothing to do with the flow of the story, but somehow there were some isolated moments that bothered me as a reader who was anxious to read what was going to happen next.
I still want to know what happens next, ok? So don’t give up and keep going. I learned through my stories that practice leads to the perfection (I’m not even close, but I’m trying :P). Keep writing! Keep improving! You’ll do great! And your story is getting to a I don’t want to miss.
Extra [4/5]:
Poster and background are really cute!! I like it! Simple but cute!
I liked how you divided the story in “povs” without making it annoying. And your chapter’s length is consistent and nice, and NO, don’t do shorter chapters. It’s good as it is!
TT Argh, I hate you. Your chapter titles are also great ~ Teach me TT
Bonus [2/10]:
I can be a soft heart sometimes. Because I don't stop by giving a bonus, I review the categories all over again to see if i can improve results T^T
[Points: 70-100] - Max: 115
R/N: Just a note. I'm not being 'nice' on this review. I just realized I could sound like if I was a really hard person to deal with, but I'm not. I'm always open for questions and doubts, I honestly only want to help you ~ There's no bashing for sure, guys. Sometimes I feel people are afraid to approach me but I don't really bite :O Just wanted to tell you all that :D
For one_in_a_million, your fanfic is not bad. It IS good. You should keep writing it, your technic is a lot better than I expected. I liked it! Keep going and don't give up. Sorry if I was too hard and didn't live up to your expectations! And sorry for taking so long!!
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