Conversation Hearts - violin852 (Reviewer: TiaraL)
** Starlight Review Shop ** [CLOSED]
Title: Conversation Hearts
Title: 3/5
Well the title didn't exactly catch my attention in any particular way, but I did like how it seemed to exude a very whimsical and playful aura. The only problem I had was that it seemed to give an impression of a phone conversation or an email or something technology related. Try and keep the title relevant to the story.
Description: 3/5
I spotted a few mistakes in the description. I'll just correct it accordingly.
Cute, Lovable and Funny. There you go...3 words to describe this story. A story about high school lovers and their adventures.
The group will have to go through the things that normal students go through. Homework, mean teachers, field trips, drama- you know, the usual stuff.
Moreover they will go through love.
Now if I were you, I'd really spice up the description a bit more. This section is crucial because it determines whether readers would be interested enough to continue reading. No good description? No readers.
Corrected version:
Cute. Lovable. Funny.
There you go. Three words to describe this story.
A story about high school lovers and their adventures.
They will face seemingly normal events: Homework, mean teachers, field trips and the usual drama.
But what happens when they experience love?
See what I mean? By paragraphing the sentences, you create greater dramatic effect. Moreover, I switched and paraphrased the sentences a bit to give it a slightly more mysterious and exciting edge. The key to good descriptions is drawing your reader in, and leaving just the right amount of suspense.
Plot
Originality: 6/10
This storyline definitely isn't new to me. I've read many storylines that have similar plot twisters and events, so reading yours didn't entirely strike me as original. However, I did like that you added a personal twist to a few events, so props to you for that.
Character: 5/10
I'm sorry but I have to give you a low grade on this. The characters weren't sufficiently established at all.
In fact, you take for granted that the reader is aware of all the members of Super Junior and their characters. Furthermore, you didn't really elaborate on the relationships and the personalities of your characters, particularly Soyoung.
I felt that more in-depth exploration would have really allowed the reader to fully enjoy the story.
You introduce characters too fast, so try reviewing your fanfic to correct this.
Flow: 5/10
Very disjointed. It jumped time zones in a blink of an eye, and in the first chapter, you wrote:
Ways the now increased group became closer.
And then you proceeded to list the activities they did.
This is strongly not recommended.
I know sometimes writers don't feel like elaborating on these insignificant events, since they might not really add to your plot.
But the whole point of a high school love story is the DEVELOPMENT of characters and relationships.
This whole fanfic seemed slightly rushed, and I didn't have time to fully appreciate the plot.
Ending:
Your fanfic is still ongoing so no points deducted here.
Writing Style
Grammar: 6/10
One thing I have to comment about your writing style is that your sentences are very disjointed. You don't write fluidly, your sentences somehow seem as if they were just randomly meshed up together, and it creates a very disconnected paragraph.
To give you an example:
Soyoung was deep in her thoughts when someone knocked her over. All of her books and folders and notebooks scattered on the floor. As she desperately tried to collect all of her papers and books, Soyoung noticed that there was a person picking up her stuff.
Corrected version:
Soyoung was immersed in thought when she suddenly collided into a broad chest, causing her books, folders and notebooks to fly up into the air and scatter around her chaotically.
Oh crap!
Soyoung blushed in embarrassment as she bent down to gather her belongings, when she caught a glimpse of a tall figure helping her to pick up her books.
See what I mean? You need to properly craft your sentences such that the events flow from one to another with ease.
I added a thought in italics to show how Soyoung feels, and this helps the reader connect with the characters easier.
I would give more examples but I think you know what I mean.
As for punctuation and other grammar errors, I suggest you type out your chapter on a word document so that you immediately know when you have made an error.
Vocabulary: 6/10
To be honest, I felt that you could have used a wider range of words. Try the thesaurus, even professional authors consult it every now and then.
When you have a wider vocabulary, you can express the story in a more vivid way.
Organization: 8/10
This section seemed relatively succinct. But do remember to paragraph after every spoken sentence. Your fanfic wasn't cluttered, so good job on that!
Overall Enjoyment: 10/20
I'll be frank, I couldn't fully enjoy it without managing to successfully empathize with the characters. Don't get me wrong, your plot seems generally sound and the idea and concept is there. But you should try adding more dramatic plot twisters and reviewing your fanfic.
This will really improve your fanfic and I guarantee more subscribers if you brush up on these areas :)
Don't be discouraged, keep working at it! All writers have to start somewhere :)
TOTAL: 62/100
Oh and I apologise for the short review. Yes this is considered short for me. I have been busy lately so excuse me for that. If you have any questions please PM me and I'll be glad to respond :)
Thanks for requesting. Please comment above after picking it up and don't forget to credit :)
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