Title : I am tutoring Ljoe and Myungsoo?!

Author : jinkibiased

Started: 11/02/2012

Finished: 11/02/2012

Title [4/10]:

Your title is common but there’s something interesting on it. Imagining myself looking for fanfics on the browse section I think if I found yours I’d stop the mouse for a while.

I don’t think it would be catchy enough for me to read it but it’s a bit interesting and it relates to the story. It’s a lot simple and not original in any way, you go straight to the point, but I liked it.

But could you use capital words for your title? I don’t like titles without capital words on the first letter of each word…

Description/Foreword [3/10]:

Your description could be more detailed, it’s a bit boring/confusing for me. Again, you could use capital words for the title.

 It’s related to the story in a really straight forward way haha But that’s ok.

You have no foreword.

Originality [2/10]:

Your fanfic is not original. I saw a lot of fanfics with the same theme as you but they at least give some introduction, write each chapter coherently and not change the subject quickly.

Nowadays it’s hard to find a different/original plot but we can find ways to change that. We can try to write in a more detailed way, try to make the title a bit more interesting, don’t be too straight forward while writing and maybe add some twists.

What I noticed in your story, and some of the others I reviewed, is that a lot of people change from a subject to another and make readers confused. You could add more details and not say that - Bom bowed. Bom found someone bullying a girl. “Mom, I’m home.” You get what I mean? Try to describe what happened meanwhile... If there were people on the streets; if the shops were full or not…; find a way to add that part of the plot you want to add without climbing from a part to another.

Plot/Writing [7/22]:

As you know, I was reviewing the fanfic you deleted a while ago and this fanfic surprised me. It’s not something really awesome but you improved a bit from your last fanfic.  Don’t take it in the wrong way, but I was being a bit upset with your other fanfic and this fanfic was a lot more pleasant to read! Your other fanfic was more confusing and it had more English mistakes.

As I told you above, you should add more details/descriptions. And you should decide if you want to write in the present or in the past tense! You use it a lot and sometimes in the same sentence. You can’t do it! Please choose one once for all!

And don’t do paragraphs UNLESS you want to change the scenarios. It made me confused to see two paragraphs in the middle of a dialogue.

Your plot was rushed. However, you did something I liked – you spoke a bit of her family and showed some interactions. It made your fanfic get real, it made me enjoy it a bit more.

When you wrote about LJoe being a Teen Top member you didn’t say how, you didn’t really focus on it. It made me confused because just now I remembered he was an idol, it didn’t get stuck in my head.

Characters [4/10]:

Since I had only three chapters to read I don’t quite know. Ljoe is still a stranger for me and the one I’m mostly aware of is Bom.

Your characters are starting to be interesting. I suggest you to write a bit of their history of life to make readers understand them. For example, LJoe seems a bit rebel and a bit of a playboy, right?  There must be a reason why he’s like that and doesn’t like to study…. As there must be a reason to why Bom is that popular and a good teacher and how she became one.

Develop your characters a bit more, show to the readers what they are thinking and what faces are they doing (if they’re frowning, smiling, etc…). It will make your fanfic a lot better.

Grammar/Vocabulary [10/23]:

You mix past and present tense too much. You should choose one of the options and write it like that.

Your vocabulary is basic and you have a few English mistakes. Since your fanfic only has 3 chapters I think I’d be helping you if I pointed you where (or mostly where). I didn't point out everything but the most important, i think. You also use some unnecessary commas like here:

- " What the.. " you sighed. You throw threw away the chewy gum into the rubbish can. " Don't do that please? Thank Yyou . Now I would like to teach you , English subject. The first thing you must know in English is .. "

1. "I am so boring bored. Sitting on this chair AGAIN , waiting for calls ! Aishhh. It is really boring, seriously. I don't know what to do right now."

2." HAHA. Just come here and we will talk about tutoring. Can we? "

3. " T.t.tutoring? Really? Okay! I'll be there now! Bye ! "

4.Seriously? I got a tutor job for the second time? Woahhh! I am so impressed and happy with it! I am so glad that person called me !! Well, I must be quickly go to T.O.P Media's building ! *go downstairs*

5. " Mommm! I wanna go to T.O.P Media's building! I've got get my a job! Bye!! "

6. After you had left your house, you quickly go to the building near the SM Building. " Hurmm. I think T.O.P Media is entertainment building. Why does he suddenly need a tutor? " If you have doubts about why I underlined the first part... that's one of the sentences you used past and present tense and it doesn't make sense...

You can say:

"After you leave your house, you quickly go to (...)"

Or "After you left your house, you quickly went to (...)"

7. As you enter the building , you saw see a woman at the counter writes writing a report. " Hello, Welcome To T.O.P Media's Building! What Can I Do For You ? " - You used past/present tense again. I changed it, I hope you don't mind. Don't use capital words on the last sentences, it makes no sense. Also sometimes you use some unnecessary capital words, i still need to know why....

8. " I want to meet with the president of T.O.P Media ! I am here because I got a call from him to tutor someone? " you said.

9." Hello, Ms. Bom. My name is President Jang, the owner of T.O.P Media. Well, take a seat please! " he asked you to sit at the leather couch. " The reason why I am calling called you earlier is because I need your help! "

10. You looked at President Jang . " Naughty? Sorry, I don't think so that I can tutor naughty students ... "

11. " Your eyes are pretty! I am so jealous with of them! Lend them for me, please! HAHA. Okay, I am just jokking. Seriously? You really don't want to drink ? " she asked you again.

12. " Bye. " she waved her hands towards you. " I felt sorry to for her because I had stolen her his boyfriend, Ji Young. I hope she didn't know doesn't find out about this!! "

13. As you walked back to your house, you saw a group of gansters bullied bullying a nerd student at the silent alley!

14. " Hey hey ! Hold on! Who asked you to bully person here? WHO ALLOWED YOU TO DO THIS ?! " you yelled at the group of gangsters.

15." W.what? Hey! Don't ignore me ! " you yelled at him and started to kick and beat all of them with your karate's skills. " Had learnt Did you learn the lessons? Never bully a weak person! You'll die if you do that again! "

16. Your mom takes a peep at your room and she saw you'd slept. " Eh? She said she'll she'd stay up late. Err, Whatever. Aigoo, I am so proud of my daughter! " She closed your room's door. - you're changing past and present tense again and this time you have some mistakes on the middle.

- Your mom takes a peep at your room and she sees you asleep/ she sees that you're sleeping.

- Your mom took a peep at your room and she saw you were sleeping,

17. *wear an attractive dress* Now. What's next? Ohh, beg bag and my pencil case. Am Do I look like a tutor teacher ?

18. You walked to the " mischievous " boy's house near with T.O.P Media's building. As you had reached the house, you felt stranged.

19. As you opened the door, you saw that the boy with a blonde haired boy of yesterday IS was the SON OF PRESIDENT JANG and ALSO A TEEN TOP's RAPPER ?

20. " Well, look who's here. The girl who beat me up yesterday. MUAHAHA. You must paid pay your debt back, GIRL by .... " he said says to you and suddenly he touches your lips. " Kiss ? "

21. " SHUT UP YOU LITTLE RASCAL !!!!!!!!!!! " you got mad at him . " JUST SHUT YOUR MOUTH!! I AM SO STRESSED WHEN I TUTOR YOU !! " 

22. Ljoe then suddenly turned off his handphone. " Happy now? "

23." I is looking at the playboy magazine ? " It's supposed to be , " I am reading a playboy magazine! " You, FAILED. - I won't correct the first part because I know it's proposital.

24. You saw that he take taking out something from his pants and you quickly stopped him. " Hey. NO SMOKING FOR MINORS AND ALSO AT HERE. Besides , Wwhy are doing this?! It's dangerous okay ?! "

25.O.O " eww! I hate you, okay? Well, it seems like our lessons had ended here. Make sure you improve your English by the next day after tomorrow! okay?" - Don't separate the ponctuation signs from the last word of the sentence too!

How much I enjoyed your story / Overall Excitement [5/10]:

I don’t think I was excited while reading your fanfic but it was not displeasing to read. It was short and you didn’t develop it that well, it was confusing, but it could be easily understood. It’s not a fanfic I’d read in usual occasions but it was enjoyable. If you do what I told you to it will be a lot more interesting. Just imagining it makes me wanting to read it haha

Extra [4/5]:

I suggest you to put your poster as the main image of your fanfic and not paste it in your description. It gets a bit out of place and it's more visible.

I like your poster! It's colourful and cute! I LIKE it! And your background too :)

Your chapter titles are okay too. It makes us want to read the chapter! The lenght of it... Your chapters have 3 pages each, that's cool, but please don't do that many paragraphs! :)

Bonus [1/10]

Keep working hard and you'll certainly improve!! :)

[Points: 40/100]

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