If Only You Knew

HerroAwkwardTurtle

SeoKyu

----

Dear Seohyun,

Hi, it's Cho Kyuhyun, you know, the one you always jokingly called Kyu-ahjussi when we spoke in private. Yeah, sorry, aha, I know you remember that. But I just... I just wish...

Sorry, I don't even know what I'm doing, writing a letter that I can never send, or that you can receive. Is it weird that I'm sitting here alone in the dark, writing this, when everybody else is... there?

...at your funeral?

...I'm sorry. But, I don't know what else to do.

You're crossing the rainbow bridge... I can't believe it. This is what my mother meant, by 'Do it today, never delay to tomorrow, because tomorrow is never guaranteed to you.' I understand now, more than ever.

Your beautiful porcelain skin, your slim figure, beautiful caramel eyes, and luscious hair... There was always something about you, Seohyun, I couldn't stop thinking about. You were the maknae of SNSD, but you always... seemed like a mother to everybody.

I remember that one time SuJu, TVXQ, (f)x, and SNSD were all performing. In SuJu's break between sets I was going to drink some ginseng tea because my throat felt particularly dry, but you went on an entire encyclopedia of reasons why I should drink ginger instead. You had all the facts stuck in your beautiful head, and you scolded me like a mother.

Aha, remember how I didn't listen to you and my voice started cracking onstage?

Ah, I'm crying now. But I can't stop writing anymore.

Remember... remember when we first began dating? Just over a year ago?

I left you 12 roses all over downtown Seoul, all with a note and a clue to find the other one. You searched and searched. Despite all the news media, you seemed to be focused on one thing... to find the person responsible for it all.

And when you got to me and the end and I confessed my love and asked you to be mine, you cried like a baby for the first time, suddenly looking like a little girl rather than a mother.

These past 14 months have been the best in my life. I couldn't ask for a happier existence, with you by my side. Your smile was the sunshine of my days, you were all I could think about.

When we kissed I felt like the whole world melted away, and it was just you and me, ready to face the world.

I could conquer anything.

...

I remember, that day I got the phone call.

Just the evening before you and I had a fight, yelling over something petty concerning our anniversary, which was coming up in a week. I remember you leaving the dinner in hot tears, and me just sitting there, apathetic.

I... I wanted to tell you something. I'm sorry, Seohyun, I can't believe I couldn't say it properly. I ended up getting angry at you too for not understanding me.

I picked up the phone that morning, irritated after hearing it ring so much.

“An-nyung-ha-se-yo?”

“Cho Kyuhyun, we are terribly sorry we have to tell you this.”

“What? Who is this?”

“This is Seoul Saint Mary's hospital.”

“...what happened?!”

“...we are terribly sorry to inform you... Seo Joo-hyun... was in a fatal car accident today.”

My heart stopped. I couldn't react, for a while.

I just stood there. Long after the hospital hung up, explaining to me I should go visit you, I was still holding the phone to my ear, hearing a long beep.

Seohyun, I've never cried so hard in my life.

When I heard that you died getting hit by a drunk driver... on your way to buy my anniversary present, I cried even more.

God, I love you Seohyun, more than anybody... more than myself,

even now.

Seohyun... I know it's a little too late, but...

I wanted you to be mine forever. I wanted to have 3 little kids with you, two boys and a girl, and a quiet home far from the city. I wanted to grow old with you, I wanted you to stay with me there, as we both grew frail and wrinkled.

I love you Seohyun, I wanted to marry you.

I was going to propose at our anniversary.

...if only you knew.

Yours forever, Kyuhyun.