Lost

HeeSica

SeungHo97

 

---

 

 

Is it weird that I miss that cold voice of yours?

Is it weird that the first thing you said to me was also the last thing I heard from your pink lips?

 

“Leave me alone.”

 

The words echoed my brain as I dragged my legs down the street, finding anything to distract me from the pain.

I tried drinking my problems away.

That was a big bust. All that happened was that I got kicked out of the bar. Perfect.

 

“I hate you.” You spoke through gritted teeth as you pushed me away from the hug; our last. I watched you walk past me, hitting my shoulder as you pushed me.

Where did I go wrong?

 

Finding the nearest place to rest, I crashed on the park bench, hoping morning would come greet me as I shut my eyes tight.

The memories then flooded.

 

 

---

 

 

“Who’s that?” My elbow jabbed JungSu as I watched the light brown hair girl stroll in the dance room.

“New trainee.” He grinned at me. “Jessica Jung, she’s from America.”

“America, eh?” I pushed myself off the ground and approached her, placing one hand on the wall while cornering her. “Hey there, Jessica, right?”

 

Her icy stare shot lazers at me, “Leave me alone.” Her voice stopped my concentration for a bit.

“How can you act like that to your sunbae?” My smirk returned while inching my face closer.

“Leave me alone, before I kick you as-“She stopped short when another girl trainee came by her.  “Don’t come near me ever again, you hear?” Jessica’s hands were balled up in fists before she got dragged away by her friend. I walked back towards JungSu and leaned on the wall next to him.

 

“Did you get rejected?” His first words slipped into my mind as I sighed and watched them leave.

“I’m HeeChul, I don’t get rejected. This is just …”: I glanced down and saw him smirk at me. “Just a challenge.” I smiled back to myself while the door to the dance room shut with a loud noise.

 

 

---

 

 

“Shoot.” I heard a swear follow the small voice as I entered the room. Jessica was on the floor, grabbing her leg and looking down. She looked like she was in serious pain.

I felt my feet running towards the teen, kneeling down to look at her injury.

“What the hell?” Her voice was next to my ear as I rolled up the side of her sweats to her knee. There was a huge bruise on her ankle, making it swollen as an orange. "Don't fricking touch me, Kim HeeChul." I heard her mutter under her breath, just loud enough so I could hear.

"What did I ever do to you?" My voice whispered as I stared into her eyes. "All I want is to be your friend. Is that too much to ask?" We both sat there, frozen at my words before I shook back into reality. "Anyways, we should take you to the hospital or else it'll be more swollen."

"It's okay, just grab some ice and we'll just wait for it to be better." She shrugged as she held the pant leg up. "Can you get an ice pack for me?"

"Sure." I shrugged and got up, pulling myself away from her and walking out the door, finding the nearest fridge. Before I could leave the room though, I heard her whisper softly;

 

"Thank you sunbae."

 

---

 

"How was practice tonight, Sica?" I asked as we slowly walked on the sidewalk, taking our time getting home.

The night was dark as the full moon brightly shone in the sky.

 

"It was alright." She smiled while securing her arms around mine.

I remember the first time we had walked together. How she was afraid of being kidnapped in the dark. Being her oppa, I couldn't let her be afraid. Plus, I was just across the street from her. "Anything surprising?" I looked down as we crossed the street to her house.

"Naw, just a lot of dancing and singing." A mist of fog came from her breath. I frowned and casually placed my arm around her shoulders, pulling her close to me. "What?" She faced me and had a questionable expression. I shrugged and smiled.

"To keep you warm." Her arms were suddenly wrapped around my waist as she gave me a side hug.

"Thank you, oppa." Awkwardly, I placed my other arm around her, deepening the hug. The sides of my lips pulled up slightly.

 

"My pleasure."

 

---

 

"Ugh!" I groaned loudly as I fell down towards the floor, Jessica falling down right beside me. We were sprawled across the hardwood floor, catching our breath from the difficult dance routine. "So tired." Sighing, I lookd at Jessica who had her eyes shut, mouth wide open taking deep breaths.

"Me ... Too ..." She panted then looked towards me. Her beautiful smile replaced her tired face as she brushed the hair out of her face. I grinned in response and laughed. Her lips were pulled back into a small smile as she took another breath.

"Jessica..." Should I ask her? I had nothing to lose, really ... She looked at me, expecting another stupid question like I had always asked. "Have you ... Have you ever kissed anyone?" My eyes were down as I asked her.

"Nope." She laughed lightly before looking up to the celing. "I'm still young, remember?"

"Oh yeah." I sighed then looked at the girl next to me. Her perfect lips were calling me to her. I sighed, doesn't hurt to try. I sat up and scootched closer to her.  

"What are you-" She began but I leaned in close to her, elbow prying me up as it was next to her side, and smiled.

 

"I'm sorry to steal your first." I whispered then softly placed my lips on hers, tasting her strawberry flavoured lips back.

 

---

 

"Oppa, guess what!?" Her high pitched shriek hurt my ears.

"Don't yell, Sica!" I grumbled through the phone while rubbing my eyes. "You're already calling me at 4 in the morning, what is it?"

"Oh, sorry, Chullie." I could practically feel her pouting right now.

"I"m kidding, sorry." Groaning, I rolled to my side and yawned. "What's up?"

"I... Don't yell okay?" 

 

What could be so serious that she'd tell me not to scream? "What is it?"

"I... I got a boyfriend."

 

---

 

"Sica! Where are you?" My voice echoed through the streets, finding a golden blonde haired girl.

No response. 

"Shoot, where the hell did you go, Jessica?" Mumbling to myself, I walked through the empty park, hoping she'd be somewhere here.

I was right.

 

Soft sobs were heard from the swings, I spotted the yellow haired girl sitting. Sighing in relief, I walked carefully towards the swings, hoping not to alert her.

Grabbing a swing, I sat myself down and stared as she looked up and rubber her face with the sleeve of her thin sweater.

 

"Why are you here? Go away." She hissed while her voice cracked.

"I'm here to get you. Let's go party."  I tried to convince her to get up so she could forget everything.

"Do you not care about me? At all?" Her eyes were at her feet while she gripped the chains of the swings harder. "I just got dumped and you're acting like it's nothing."

 

I sat there, wondering what to say as she sniffled quietly. "Sigh." I groaned, got up, and kneeled in front of her, resting my knees on the moist sand. "Sica, look at me."

She ignored me and continued to look in her lap. "Frick." I exhaled loudly. Grabbing her chin, I forced her to stare into my eyes.  "Listen to me."

"Why should I? You're just going to laugh at me. Just don't even talk to me." Jessica's tears pooled out as she ripped my hand off her chin and stood up, walking past me. 

 

I couldn't let her walk away, not when I had been crushing on her for years. Running after her, I grabbed her arm and pulled her close to me, throwing her into a hug. It felt strange, having Sica so close to me again. Her head was on my chest as I breathed heavily. The silence was unbearable until I finally spoke. "Don't go. I freaking lik- No, I love you." She stood frozen against me. "Don't go." I repeated quietly.

 

Her soft voice replied back to my plea;

 

"I.. I wnn't. Thank you... Oppa."

 

---

 

"You're what?!" Her icy voice pierced my ears.

"I'm leaving to the army in a couple days." My hand was wrapped around hers as we sat in the quiet restaurant, only filled with another couple.

"And you're telling me now? Are you fricking kidding me?" Jessica ripped her hand out of mine and her eyes shot lazers at me. "Why the hell would you inform me now? Are you stupid?"

"Sica, calm down. You're making a scene." My voice was low as I grabbed her hand again, attempting to help her relax.

No luck.

 

"Holy crap, Kim HeeChul." Her anger flooded out as she gritted her teeth and pulled her hand back. "Don't even talk to me. You should have told me before, but I guess you didn't care enough to do so. Good-bye." She grabbed her coat and purse while she stood up.

"Wait." I followed her as she stormed out the restaurant. "Sica, don't."  I held onto her for my dear life as I pulled her into a hug.

"Leave me alone." Her voice was quiet as she pushed me away. Jessica's eyes were now filled with tears that were waiting to spill. "I don't want to see you. I hate you. Leave me alone."

 

Her words shot needles in my heart. I had no reaction as I watched the love of my life walk away, bumping my shoulder as she left, only remembering the last words she spoke.

 

"I hate you. Leave me alone." Repeated in my head over and over.

 

I'm sorry, Jessica.

 

---

 

"Chullie ... HeeChul, wake up!" 

 

A small hand was shaking my shoulder as I rubbed my eyes. 

 

"Jessica?" My voice came out hoarse. I coughed once and asked again, "Sica, is that you?"

"HeeChul, wake up!" The voice called again. 

 

I sat up, hoping to catch her before she could run away. "Sica?"

 

"Hyung, what are you doing here?" The voice had now changed and I was facing EunHyuk now.

"What the...? What are you doing here?" My voice grumbled as I got up and stared at the red headed fool.

"I was walking home from HyoYeon's and I saw you sleeping on a bench. What the heck are you even doing? And why were you calling Jess-her name?"

"Nothing, just nothing. Let's go." I groaned and walked foward, being ahead of EunHyuk.  

 

The whole walk home I had zoned EunHyuk out, hoping to figure some stuff out.

 

How could I get Jessica back?

Would she even take me back?

 

I was now back at the dorm, in my room as the rest of the members were in the kitchen.

 

Would it hurt to try?

 

No, I had to.

Before I leave, this would have to be done. I don't care if my heart hurts more, but I would have to do this.

 

Quickly digging in my pant pockets, I pulled out my pink cell phone and hit speed dial 2.  

 

The tone rung 4 times before a voice was heard. "Yeobosayo?"

 

That's when my heart fluttered. I remembered her beautiful voice. Focus, HeeChul.

 

"Sica?"

In a heart beat, her voice became cold. "What do you want?"

Before I could choke up in tears,  I spoke softly. "You."

"Sunbae, don't. Just have fun at the army or whatever."

"Do you really think I'll be okay when you're like this? When the girl I love hates me?" My words came out fast, hoping she wouldn't hang up.

"You love me?" A scoff came out. "Obviously. I can see that especially since you told me you were leaving me just a couple days before you actually do. Thanks for being so considerate." The sarcasm in her voice was thick.

"Fricking Jessica Jung, Listen to me. I love you. Trust me." My voice cracked as I confessed.

"HeeChul, stop." I felt the pain in her words. I really messed up. "I don't.. I don't feel the same way about you anymore. Please understand that."

"Oh.." My heart felt like someone had shoved a knife in it and hit me multiple times. "Okay, sorry."

 

Silence.

 

I heard a soft door bell from her phone followed by someone calling out. "Jessica! Your dates here."

 

"Date?" I suddenly felt jealous. Protective, almost.

"Yeah, sorry." She casually added.

 

I then realized what had happened.

It all made sense now.

 

Jessica didn't love me.

And she never did. 

 

 

But I had to keep one thing in mind;

Don't be sad that it ended, be happy that it happened.

 

Gathering up the courage, I added a fake laugh. Theough a pained voice, I made out the words:

 

"Have fun on your date."

"Thanks, bye oppa." Before I could respond, she had already hung up.

 

The phone fell out of my hands as I toppled onto the bed, not wanting to live anymore.

 

It was over.

We were over.

 

I had let her slip from my fingers and into the hand of another man.

 

 

I had lost.