I felt my heart going in two directions. One way was just telling me do what’s best for you. The other side was telling me stay with him. I slowly fell to my knees and shut my eyes. “I love you too.”

With that I hung up on Kris. I couldn’t find words to explain what I was feeling. I still love Kris with all my heart. That wasn’t going to change but I needed him now. I didn’t just want him. I needed him with me. I needed him to help me get through this pain. I couldn’t go through this pain alone. I know I had the Ella, Carolyn, Christi and Alex now but it’s not the same.

It needed to be Kris. I had to be him. Only him. I touched my necklace and ran my thumb through it. What did I just try to do? I tried to end things with Kris and it didn’t really end up working. I felt angry with myself and more tears came out from my eyes. I heard my phone ringing. I checked the ID and it was Kris.

I shut off my phone and left it in my pocket. I didn’t know what to say to him. I couldn’t talk to him since I tried to end it. I just couldn’t talk to him. My mind was a mess and it wasn’t thinking straight for me. I sat on the beach watching the waves rise up and go back down. Only now a few tears would escape my eyes but somehow I would start crying all over again.

I sighed and shut my eyes. I tried to remember all the times I would spend with my grandma. I would always be around her and stay with her until Ella’s mom would get home. Other than that I would be in my apartment. I always loved my grandma’s cooking it was the best food I had ever tasted and I loved it so much. I couldn’t wait to get to her house and eat something. But then I started thinking when did I stop going to her house.

I know one reason was because of Marie; she was always around and I saw no point in going. Then I remembered Kris had come around the same time I had stopped going. Once Kris had arrived here I had spent so much time with him. I had gotten to know him and hung around him a lot. I opened my eyes and saw a few people walking along the shore.

Some people where hold hands – couples. Or they were just walking their dog. That made me thinks of Max. I wish I had brought him with me. But I wanted to be alone for this time. I sighed again just wondering about all the time I had spent with Kris knowing I wasn’t with my grandma. I felt this bitterness inside me now. I felt shame and angry with myself.

All the time I was with Kris it made me forget about the last person who was important to me. Now my grandma is gone and there isn’t anyone else that is important to me. Kris is still important to me but now I just didn’t know. Ella and I were getting along more than we did as kids. But it’s alright. I hadn’t talked to Carolyn of Christi since I told them about my grandma.

I kept looking at the ocean and then I realized what I was doing. I was slowly blaming Kris for not spending time with my grandma. I got frustrated with myself. It’s not his fault it was mine. I chose to be around Kris and spend time with him. It was me not him. But then my grandma had been sick and she didn’t tell anyone. Why didn’t she tell anyone about her being sick? I didn’t understand that. Was it because she saw how happy I was with Kris when I introduced them? It had to be it. I never saw her again after that day.

I tried to stop thinking about everything. I was getting a headache and I didn’t want to think about anything. I just wanted to relax before I had to drive back home. I took out my ipod from the other pocket and put on my earphones. I put it on shuffle and the first song that came out happened to be an old song. It was by a group called S Club 7.

“Everybody’s got something they had to leave behind.

One regret from yesterday that just seems to grow with time.

There’s no use looking back or wondering.

How it could be now or might have been.

Oh this I know but still I can’t find ways to let you go.”

I smiled a bit knowing the words for the first verse made me think of Kris and my grandma. I looked down at the sand that my hands automatically started to play with and just do what they wanted in the sand.

“I’ve never had a dream come true.

Till the day that I found you.

Even though I pretend that I’ve moved on.

You’ll always be my baby.

I never found the words to say.

You’re the one I think about each day.

And I know matter where life takes me to.

A part of me will always be with you.”

I smiled a bit more knowing that the lyrics where speaking to me. I couldn’t help but feel everything the song was talking about. Kris is all I think about and he is my first love. That is something that will never be replaced and knowing he gave me a dream come true. Dating an idol is a dream… But for Kris I didn’t seem that way shortly after we became good friends.

I just saw him as another guy who had a different identity and wanted to be kept a secret from everyone. Which was a bit funny since no one at school noticed him another than me and the girls. I suppose that was my doing. I wanted to keep him for myself. I let out a small laugh and kept listening to the song.

“You’ll always be the dream that fills my head.

Yes you will, say you will, you know you will.

Oh baby, you’ll always be the one I know I’ll never forget.

There’s no use looking back or wondering.

Because love is a strange and funny thing.

No matter how I try and try I just can’t say goodbye.

No no no no”

I shut my eyes and started thinking of the time Kris and I came to the beach. It was so much fun I didn’t want that day to end. I loved him holding me from behind and we were in the water. When I found that sink hole I remember the look on his face he wasn’t happy. The wave that knocked us over and we swallowed the salt water.   

I felt a tear form in my eye and when I opened them the tear fell down. I smiled and pushed it away. I kept looking out into the water. I wanted to go in but I couldn’t. The water would be to cold. That is usually the last thing I want but if it were to help me move on I knew it would be best.

“I’ve never had a dream come true.

Till the day that I found you.

Even though I pretend that I’ve moved on.