Siwon was on his way to the stage when he saw T.O.P. following Taeyang to the vending machines. From the arm around Taeyang’s shoulders that was too protective to be strictly friendly to the way Taeyang unconsciously curved his body into T.O.P.’s taller one, Siwon could guess that they were together. If he was honest, Siwon was obsessed with T.O.P. They were so similar in many ways but so different in other, more significant ones. Siwon felt that they were parallel in their extraordinary, chiseled good looks and their wealth but T.O.P. was more confident than Siwon, less limited. Siwon always suspected that he was being compared to T.O.P., and constantly found lacking. T.O.P. was a better actor than him, had a more distinct voice, and was confident in his uality. Siwon had watched T.O.P. long enough to be certain that the man was biual and currently in a relationship with one short, mohawk-bearing dancer.

If only Siwon’s father wasn’t so convinced that homouals were a plight on the Earth, then maybe Siwon would feel more comfortable in his own skin, but you can’t choose your family. Siwon had it drilled into his brain at a young age that homouality was disgusting and all those queers should be stopped from spreading their repulsive disease. So you’d think that Siwon would have a sickened reaction to figuring out his idol was gay, but instead, Siwon envied his freedom. While Siwon felt like he locked himself deep inside, T.O.P. strode around with his arm around Taeyang like he didn’t care who saw, and perhaps he didn’t. From what Siwon had seen, T.O.P. put Taeyang above everything else.

What Siwon was more ashamed of than anything was that he wanted someone to take care of him for once. He didn’t crave dominating another man into compliance; he desired that forced submission for himself. Siwon wanted to be broken down then put back together again. He wanted to be held down by someone stronger than him and shown all the dirty pleasures of the world until he exploded into a thousand pieces. And then he wanted his man to hold him gently until Siwon could feel his toes again. Siwon could admit to himself that he was gay, gayer than John Elton, but only when he was by himself in a pitch black room did he acknowledge his deepest and darkest need. 

But he would never have that. Not with his father constantly breathing down his neck about getting married and having children. Maybe when his father died… No, Siwon couldn’t bank on that. It would make him a terrible son and he was already such a sinner.

Tearing his eyes from the couple and noticing the way T.O.P. tracked Taeyang’s movements around the room, Siwon moved the extra fifty meters to reach the stage door. He met up with a couple other Super Junior members there, who were chatting before they crossed into the stage area where they had to be extremely quiet. Donghae, Hyukjae, and Jeongsu all looked up and greeted him as Siwon joined the group.

“Hey, man, you okay? You kinda zoned for a couple minutes there,” Hyukjae asked.

“Yeah, it’s just been a long day,” Siwon replied, not adding that every day was a long day when he felt so repressed. He threw an arm around Donghae’s waist, pulling him close, under the veil of being so tired he needed support.

“Holy , Siwon, you going to make it through the performance?” Jeongsu questioned, switching to leader mode automatically.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” Siwon responded. He rested his head on Donghae’s shoulder, letting most of his weight hang on the shorter man. He used little moments like these to placate his inner beast, his craving for male contact. Though his father disproved of skinship, Siwon thought it was the best invention known to man because it allowed him some small satisfaction. Siwon breathed deeply from the crook of Donghae’s neck, inhaling the scent and nearly sighing from how good the man always smelled. It was what Siwon imagined sometimes while he jacked off. Sometimes, it was Donghae in his mind, sometimes it was T.O.P., sometimes it was Yunho, and sometimes it was just a faceless man. But Siwon would take his inspiration where he could. 

Authors Note

I hate Siwon's father. To be bluntly honest.