Chapter 70
A Bang In The Heart
"...Umma." I spoke softly into the phone. It's been about half a year since I actually called my mom who was still living back in the states.
My mom and I usually got along pretty well but ever since my mom and dad broke up, things went cold from there. But now, coldness wasn't the problem. I had bigger things to worry about.
"Remi? How are you doing?" Her usual soft voice responded.
How am I? About on the verge of breaking down. I needed someone to lean on and someone to hold my hand, but Jiyong wasn't here.
I bit my lip and closed my eyes to keep the tears in. "I-I'm fine. Listen mom, I have to tell you something." My voice began to crack.
I looked down at my hands and they were trembling violently as if they had just touched something hot.
"Huh? What's wrong Remi? Korea too rough on you?" She lightly laughed.
My hand lightly caressed my stomach. It felt foreign to me and I was uneasy. I should be happy right?
I always remembered watching those cute little shows with pregnant women knitting colorful afghans for their future baby. They always had a wide smile on their face as if being pregnant was the most blissful thing in the world. Why wasn't I like that? Why wasn't I knitting afghans?
I swallowed hard and shook my head. "No...no. Mom. I'm...pregnant."
There was a thin silence for a few seconds and then she finally spoke.
"...pregnant? Are you sure?" Her voice was now almost a whisper.
"I just came back from the gynecologist...I'm three weeks in." I said. And it was true, I had been to the gynecologist this morning and after a few tests, she confirmed it. There was no doubt about it.
I could tell my mother was shocked, her breathing a bit more quicker than normal and her voice was unsteady.
"Who's the dad?"
I paused for a moment. "He's...he's someone- I'm sorry mom, I can't tell you who it is."
I didn't want to say his name because I knew I would cry right on the spot.
After a few silent seconds, she spoke again "Remi, you need to come back. I...don't want you living in Korea any longer." Mom said with a edginess in her voice.
"Mom I-I can't! I have a job, I have a life, and I have a baby now! One thing I don't have is...money." I said desperately.
"Remi listen to me! You being pregnant there with no money isn't going to help! Do you realize how judgmental of a society it is? You'll get fired right away for being pregnant unmarried!" She seemed completely serious with this. And she was right. I would get fired.
"I-I can make it work! I just, I just don't know!! I-I don't know!" I screamed as I held my phone as if my life depended on it.
Stupid tears rolled out of my eyes and my fists held them shut so no more could come out.
"...honey, stop crying. Crying won't do you much good. Just come home Remi okay? Just think this through."
My cautious hand lightly touched my tummy and I nodded as if she could see me.
And she hung up. And once again, I felt alone in this world.
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Sua and I walked into the front of our house when we saw these men dressed in grey taking out furniture from Jiyong's house. They were moving helpers.
I frowned when I saw Jiyong's drawers being moved out.
"Is he not gonna live here anymore?" Sua asked in my ear.
"I...don't know." And I really didn't know. I hadn't talked or texted Jiyong in weeks. I couldn't get myself to and it created this heart heavy burden inside of me that was left to burn my thoughts of him. He did text me several times though and called but I never replied to any of them. I knew he was busy though. It was end of the year and award ceremonies and performances filled his schedule.
The movers were already almost done and ready. The semi-truck outside was filled with furniture that I instantly recognized.
Was he really moving out? My heart beat a little faster as I thought of him.
The winter chill was bone chilling and dull. There was barely any snow but the wind made it almost unbearable. I pulled my jacket over me tightly and my hand automatically went over my stomach.
I've been doing that so much recently. I wanted to protect it as well as I could.
"Remi, come on! Lets go inside!" Sua pulled at my arm and we went in the house. But I couldn't stop myself from watching those movers move out the very stuff that I had touched.
"Ahh don't you just love the smell of new books?" Sua said happily as she opened the new book about pregnancy that we bought.
Lately, Sua's been helping me with almost everything. We would go out to borrow or buy tens of books just on maternal health and anything that would help with pregnancy. But funny thing was that I was only five weeks in, but I already had everything that I needed up till my due date. That is of course minus the love from a certain someone.
While Sua went and opened up the new things, I went into my room to check on something.
Just as I thought. They had blocked the hole that Jiyong made in the wall. There were heavy layers of duct tape over it; very unsightly and distracting. I sighed and began to pick at it.
All this time while Jiyong was gone, I constantly went back to his house through the hole and would stay there as much as I could. I would lie on his bed for hours and just take his wholesome scent all in. For me and the baby of course. Often at times, I would just sleep in his clothes to give me comfort and soothe me on those cold lonely nights.
But now, it was just a wall again, no bridge, no hope or anything that I could look forward to.
I walked out of the room and went over to Sua who was intensely reading one of the new books.
"They say you start showing around the first trimester of 1 to 12 months but it varies for each women." She recited to me.
I looked down at my tummy and smoothed it down gently. I really didn't have much of a bump yet, actually it didn't even look like I was pregnant, but I was certainly feeling it. Headaches and nausea plagued my days and it was worse on the school days where I had to pretend I was normal when I was teaching. Some days a certain smell would literally make me throw up everything I had and other days I craved it like candy.
"Do I look like I'm showing?" I asked just for the heck of it.
Sua scoffed, "Pshh no. You look like you lost weight."
"Well I can only gain so many pounds when I threw up all week." I said rolling my eyes and sighing.
"You know, maybe you should just not breathe through your nose, that way you won't smell everything and throw out everything food in the house!" Sua said enthusiastically.
I shook my head, "Um no. I can...I can handle it. Totally, yeah."
And like the vicious animal she was, Sua in her hands held the infamous cup of yogurt in her hands.
And like the other beastly animal that I had become, I snatched it out of her hands and threw it out.
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I held the stickers carefully in my hand. The stickers were from that one day we went to lotte world and went inside the photo booth. That day when I first realized that there was going to be trouble in our relationship.
Jiyong in the picture was puffing his cheeks and pressing them on to mine. I had to admit, we did look incredibly adorable.
His hair was a beautiful golden blonde during that time wasn't it? I remembered that day like it was just only a few days ago. The way we held hands in the amusement park with everyone just going their way, minding their own business. It was such an amazing day.the kiss that we shared gave me chills as I thought about it.
Just yesterday I had seen the music award ceremony and I saw that he changed his hair again, to a light platinum blonde.
I knew Jiyong had his stickers on his phone underneath his phone case so he could keep them discreetly but have it with him at all times.
"Hey little Remi...or would you be little Jiyong?" I asked with my hand caressing my tummy. "Or Jimi?" I tilted my head in confusion.
Hmm I wonder if it's a girl or a boy...
"Anyways, I'll just call you Jimi for now." I held the sticker down at my stomach in line with my belly button. "Jimi-ya, this is what your daddy looks like. Isn't he handsome? I love him very much and he loves mommy very much. And I love you very much and....I'm sure he loves you very much too!"
I thought for a second. Would he? What would Jiyong say? The guilt or burden began to creep up in me again. I had to tell him! But I didn't have the courage to.
Shaking my head off from the thought, I kissed Jiyong inside of the picture and made sure that my baby could too by putting it against my tummy.
As if on cue, my phone suddenly rang. And on the screen, Jiyong's name appeared.
Wait! Why is he calling me right now? It was late and I thought he was at Japan for that one ceremony!
My hand shook as I hesitantly picked it up to answer.
"Hello..?" I cautiously said.
There was a shuffling noise and then finally his voice. Oh god his voice. His beautiful soft voice.
"Remi-ya! Why didn't you answer your phone all this time?" He spoke quickly with a bit of frustration in his voice.
"I...I was busy, sorry." I forced out words out of my lips.
Remi, when are you gonna tell him?
"Did something happen? What was wrong?"
"Nothing, I was just busy" I lied.
Jiyong sighed a sigh of relief, "okay, nevermind that. Are you home?"
Instead of answering the question, I asked, "Why?"
"I'm back in Korea right now but it's just for a day. I don't have much time and I'm busy tomorrow so I can only see you tonight. Where are you? I want to see you baby"
Baby....I bit my lip at that word and began to lie even more.
"I... Can't, I'm sick right now." I gave off a short cough. "I don't think I can see you tonight."
"Remi, I need to see you babe. I missed you. I don't care if you're sick, I can take care of you." Jiyong sounded desperate and the yearning in his voice was sincere.
"I-I can't! I'm at a friend's house down away...from Seoul. It's really far away! Oppa, did you move?" I asked in hopes of distracting him.
"Yeah, Sajangnim said he didn't like me living there anymore, I'm moving back in with my parents." He paused for a moment, "how sick are you?"
"I..uh, I'm really sick but don't worry, my friend's mom's taking care of me." I said quickly.
Jiyong sighed and I could picture him running his slim fingers through his soft hair.
"...okay then. I'll..see you when I can. Saranghae." Jiyong's voice was filled with disappoint and sorrow.
Dang it Remi! Why didn't you tell him??
I hung up after saying bye and then fanned myself.
Was it me or was it hot in here? I needed some fresh air.
I put on my winter coat and put on a hat and gloves.
As soon as I pushed the front door open, I realized that there was someone tall outside waiting for me.
"Ah noona!"
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