Chapter 10
A Bang In The Heart
Ugh it seems like I've been here the entire day. And it has been. Ever since the hectic morning I woke up to, I've been in this building all day. I kept waiting for Jiyong to come to the lounge. After Youngbae had shown me inside the recording studio, the dance studios and the other cool rooms, I felt like I've known this place for a while now. He had to leave to go to his house and I was left practically all alone. I should have asked jiyong for his phone number, then I wouldn't have needed to wait for him to talk to him.
I sat waiting anxiously and my mouth ran dry. This patience I didn't have was killing me and I ran over so many thoughts in my head.
Remi stop it! Why are you being like this?! I said to myself.
It wasn't like this was the first time someone liked me. I did go out with a guy named Ryan during college. But Ryan and I weren't in love,we were just two people who felt like we should be together since everyone else were together. How could I possibly compare Ryan to.... Jiyong?
Sweat seemed to pour down my back and my heart pounded like the rumbling of an earthquake. My head would split any moment now.
But then, Jiyong walked cooly into the lounge and stopped when he saw me. His hair was pushed up in to a tousled mohawk kind of style and his eyes had this chilly feel to them. He raised his eyebrows and walked towards me.
"Remi-shi, you're still here?" He said in a light nonchalant voice.
Remi...shi? Why was he being so formal to me? He felt all of sudden distant and far.
"Uh-" I looked down at my phone awkwardly. "I still don't have your number so I thoug-"
"Just ask Huijoon and I'm sure he'll tell you."
What was up with his coldness? I felt the butterflies inside my stomach die and fall apart into pieces of paper. I was at a loss for words.
"Well then see you the next time we meet." Jiyong's face was emotionless and his words too formal. It felt as if there was a brick wall between us.
As he turned away from me to go into the recording studio, I let out a last bit of my voice that I could give.
"W-why... Why did you even pretend to be drunk last night?"
Jiyong paused for a second and he seemed to be thinking whether if he should turn around or not. He let go of the door handle and turned around. He was smiling but it wasn't a pleasant one. It was more of a smirk like I was being laughed at.
"Soo you knew?" He asked with curiosity hanging above him.
I shook my head no. "Youngbae oppa...told me."
Jiyong cocked his head back and sighed calmly. He walked towards me and stopped when he was near me. His eyes looking sharply straight at me.
He put his hand up to his face in a stressful way "You look like her." He said in an almost whisper like voice. His more familiar voice started to come back again. Less formal and more of the Jiyong from last night.
"What?" I asked
"Jihae... Your nose, your lips, your body... God damn it Remi, even the way you hugged me last night! Every time I look at you, it's her." Jiyong swallowed hard and clenched his teeth. His eyes were closed and his brow furrowed.
I couldn't swallow and I felt speechless. I didn't look anything like that girl. She had a small face, clear eyes and a thin body...And she was pretty. What did he mean I looked like her? I had thin long brown hair, my face was slender, and soft eyes...
So what he did last night was...just so that I could be her replacement? The tears that came out of him were just only for her and I was just there to comfort him. I was just a... Substitute.
My body felt empty and for some reason, I felt let down. Used. Wasted.
I forcibly smiled and looked into Jiyong who was waiting for my response. My throat felt so parched and my tongue was knotted up.
I kept my lips firm and nodded cooly like he did before.
"Then see you the next time we meet." My voice cracked as if I was holding back tears. I turned around to leave.
"R-Remi-ya wait-" Jiyong grabbed my arm but I pushed his hand away.
In quick light steps, I fled out of the building.
Outside was already starting to dim out. The sun seemed to be saying goodbye as it left its pink and purple winged marks in the sky. It was a painting and I was just a picture. My walking continued to speed up and my ankle gave me this deep stabbing pain that felt like it reached my heart. Soon, my walking was no longer fast paced steps but it became a run. I ran like we did this morning, his fingers grasping me as if it were grasping for life. It had been just a spur of the moment.
My eye sight began to blur up and when I blinked hard, the tears inside me flew open like it had been curdling up behind a weak and pained dam. Dam, that was just it. Damn it.
Why did he do this to me? Why did I have to be so naive and affected by this stupid assuming heart of mine? The first time I was tricked by love and this was all I got. What did I even expect?! God damn it Remi! Even the way you hugged him reminded him of her!
When I got home, the tears poured out of me as if all the oceans in the world wanted to crush my dam. I cried like a heartbroken teenager.
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