Chapter 63
A Bang In The Heart
My entire body was shaking and everything inside of me felt fake and unreal. As if I were in a dream. But it was all too real. I wasn't cold but the anxiety gave me violent chills all over my body.
My tears had flooded my eyes and my hand gripped the MP3 player tightly and I thought I would break it anytime soon.
"Haha..." Jiyong's voice laughed nervously inside my ears. "This is really awkward, I'm recording this by myself...it's 3 am right now. Ahhh this feels weird, it's like I'm sending a video message...but it's an audio message?" Jiyong rambled on the way he always did when he felt awkward. A smile creeped up on my lips and my throat tightened.
"Okay..ahh this is so cheesy!" Jiyong squealed excitedly, "...but I wrote a song for you and because you're my Enguhlishi teachuh, I wrote it in Engulishi." Jiyong's soft voice said smoothly.
A small laugh burst out of my mouth. The air felt so calm and my heart felt empty, like how when you cry so much that you have nothing else left inside.
What are you doing oppa.... I whispered into the thin air and stupid giggles escaped from my mouth. The tears in my eyes still blurred my vision, but I didn't care. All I wanted to do was listen.
A soothing beat gently filled in the awkward silence and Jiyong began to rap...and sing. The melody was made of simple piano chords that sounded like what would come up after a vicious storm and echoing in the still air. Beautiful and delicate synthetic vibes chimed in underlying the chords.
"Girl...let me just tell you. Everythin' about you is perfection, let me give you some affection, correction? I don't even have to know...you're nothing less than beautiful. You don't need to confess, 'cause all I got for you is a pretty white weddin' dress....But I know... It's gonna be quite the mess."
His voice so perfectly blended in with the beats in the background yet they led the music. The chimes were translucent but it added onto the light yet passionate feel of the song.
The lyrics were quirky and captivating, just the way Jiyong always was.
I brought the MP3 player up to my lips as I tried to hold in a sob. But the main part of the song broke me down. The walls that were holding everything back creating a depression inside of me broke down and let out everything. His voice started out loud at a high note until every word that he sang gradually fell down to a diminishing note.
"Baby...let me love you, love you love you love you love you~ooh ooooh..."
Everything about it was cheesy but the cheesiness only depicted his love even more. The way he tried to hold in a laugh after a small cheesy, toe curling verse just made me picture him in the recording room at 3 am smiling by himself.
"So when the rain falls~ just hold my hand....I'll lead you till the end.." Jiyong's voice gradually disappeared and so did the piano music.
I placed my head down on my arm and muted everything out of my head.
There was a smile on my lips but why was I crying? I let out a painful sob that swelled up my lungs and everything stood still.
I looked at the screen of the MP3 player...this song was put in here months...But the date...the date was from after my accident. After Jiyong had gone public about his relationship with Miko!
My mouth was open in confusion and my head began to spin.
This was just absolutely absurd...or was it?
I was completely out of it, almost to the point of being drunk. My eyebrows were furrowed in frustration.
B-But...I don't get it.
Why did he make this after he began dating Miko? After he became so cold...after we became strangers? What the hell was going on?
Then I knew where I would get all my answers...just like Youngbae had said. I had to go see sajangnim.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I nervously fidgeted on the small sofa seat that I was sitting on. The blinding brightness of the room intimidated me and I felt sweat beads form on my forehead. Although the room was very open and free, my lungs felt constricted and I couldn't breathe. I curled my fingers into tight fists and anchored them right on my knees, so that I could try and hide my shakiness from him. The air was silent but all I could hear was the muted sound of the air conditioner flowing through the vents.
YG turned something off his computer and walked over to the sofa where I was sitting at. His face was grave but when he saw me in a nerve wreck, his face softened into a warm smile.
YG sighed quietly and sat down, placing his elbows on his lap and looking warmly at me. My head was awkwardly down and I knew I looked terrible. My hair was probably in a mess, my eyes red from crying and
"Remi-yang? It's a pretty name...Remi." YG carefully spoke, each word was spoken softly and with kindness.
His usual look, the same kind of khaki colored hat and leather jacket, and the way his eyes seemed to glare...didn't seem so intimidating as before...but why was I dying on the inside?
I nodded, not really hearing what he had said to me.
"How old are you? You said you're the same age as Seungri?"
"...nae." I said shortly with my eyes cautiously looking at him.
YG sighed and blinked hard. "That's still very young..." He let out a soft chuckle.
He looked at me directly in the eye and gave a weak frown. "Remi-yang...I want you to listen to what I'm going to say. And listen carefully."
I gave a hesitant nod and then looked down.
"I met Jiyong more than ten years ago...when he was just only 13 years old. The moment I saw him, I couldn't unsee him. he had this spark in his eyes, something that told me that he didn't fear anything. It was ambition and passion...I knew I had to get him to stay. You know how I got him to stay here?" YG asked casually.
I nodded, "He told me that you told him to beg him mom so that he could stay here." I remembered everything that Jiyong had told me about his childhood. It was more interesting than mine.
YG smiled widely as if he was remembering that exact moment and then he switched back into his serious mode.
"But the thing is...I still see that spark in his eyes today. I've had Jiyong with me for more than ten years. And I know, that he has so much potential, even more now than ever before. I've been strict to him because I still am his boss...but if anything, he's like a son to me."
I lifted my head and felt my blood run cold. Sajangnim seemed so sincere in his words and I felt as if he was telling me a secret that no one else knew.
I continued listening and tried to keep my body from shaking.
"So I know...I know how much he worked...for this moment right now. This is just the beginning of his success. And you know that very well don't you?" YG asked kindly, as if asking a little child.
My face tightened and I only cocked my head down to show him that I knew.
He continued "The Forever Young tour is to start in four months, traveling to 20 different cities in the US. The tickets for the first concert have all ready be completely sold out. It's phenomenal how well they're doing. You should know. Jiyong's not only the leader of Bigbang, he's the leader of Korean music, it's all hand in hand. There's so much potential in him..." There was a pause in his voice as his eyes looked deeply at me.
"But a few months ago, Jiyong came up to me and said he wanted to talk to me. He said that there was this girl. This girl that he loved."
My eyes casted down and tried to focus on a specific place on the ground to keep sane.
"He said that he loves her so much that he couldn't live without her. He told me....that he wanted to public about the relationship."
YG shook his head as if he was reliving that same moment. "And I was a celebrity back then and so I know...and I knew...I knew what would happen if everyone found out that he was dating just a normal girl. Honestly speaking, that has never happened before in our building...and that's a risk I don't want to take. All those years that Jiyong had worked, practiced and perfected....it would all be gone."
I swallowed hard and felt something rough go down my throat. My hands shook again and I tightened my fists even harder.
"I couldn't say no, but because of my selfishness, I told him to wait. Just wait a few more years. I told him not to get caught, because if he did, then something bad may happen." YG kept his eyes focused on me. He spoke clearly and slowly to make sure I was getting all of this.
He continued to talk, "And then a few months later, you know of course, there was a news article release about you after a few rumors got out of control. It directly said your name and that's what killed Jiyong. He didn't want that to happen. And the day that you got hurt and went to the hospital, I got a call from Jiyong. He was crying...that sseki, the last time he cried in front of me was years ago." YG said pitifully.
"But he asked me something...he wanted my permission to date Miko Kazuhara. I told him yes, because it would divert the media's attention and harm from you to them. He did it...for you, Remi."
I choked on the air around me and swallowed hard to hold back my tears. I sunk my head down to hide my pitiful face.
"Celebrity dating a celebrity is much easier for the both....whereas if people were to find out that you two were in love, it would hurt both of you. So I made Jiyong keep a promise with me. That he wouldn't meet you for at least a year until this all died down. It was selfish on my part but because I care about him, I wanted him to forget you."
So for Jiyong to be successful...I had to be gone?
Yg switched his voice again, into a softer kind. "It was just that if he were to be caught seeing you while he's with Miko, that would make him a cheater, a liar and eventually..it would break this company apart. It's just love in the eyes of people, but to us, it's business. This is a serious issue."
I gasped a breath and my tears burst out of me in a loud weep. My face scrunched up to hold them back but it was too late. I bit my lip hard and everything just blurred in my head.
Why? Why did everything have to be so complicated?
And Jiyong oppa...why did he have to do this? Why couldn't he have just let me know? I wanted to see him. Right now!
Yg grabbed my hand and gently held them in his. His lips were tight as if he didn't know what to say.
"W-Why? Sajangnim...I-I can't do it...." I sobbed and my voice was shaking almost as if I was insane.
"Remi. Remi, listen to me." He said, lifting my face up to look at him.
I bit my trembling lip and looked up.
"Jiyong cares about you. He knows you're hurting and it hurts him too. I can see it. He loves you. Alot...enough that he'd risk his career for you. He'd rather have you hate him than having you hurt."
And then I lost it. My body felt as if it was collapsing, my bones felt weak and brittle and it seemed as if everything that I had piled on me was finally crashing down. My brain went numb with so many thoughts that I might have gone brain dead. My heart was racing faster than a rocket and the tears...oh the tears ran endlessly without a limit.
Yg came over towards me and unexpectedly...gave me a hug.
It was a warm fatherly hug and something I really needed. I broke down at his warmth and felt myself sink.
"I care about you and Jiyong." YG said as he pulled back and grabbed my arms firmly. "So for the good for both of you...I'm asking you not to see Jiyong anymore. Just not for a few months, until the tour is over. All of this needs to settle out and then we'll go from there. Okay Remi-yang?"
I did all that I could do at the moment: nod.
For a few months? That could probably kill me...I felt already dead in the inside. My heart had rotted and had grown this hate inside of me for Jiyong. And I just felt so stupid...
But all I could think of was what Sajangnim had said.
"Jiyong cares about you...he loves you."
I love you too oppa, I guess I always have...but the thing is...I can't anymore.
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