Chapter 62
A Bang In The Heart
Minwoo's eyes were casted down to avoid eye contact with me. But his lips held a small smirk when he saw from the corner of his eye that I was watching him.
"Did your boyfriend take you home?" Minwoo said coldly.
"Minwoo-ya...Mianhae." I said softly.
Minwoo finally looked up and gave an understanding smile. "I get it. You don't want to be with me. You can't let him go Huh?"
I sighed and bit my lip. He knew too well.
Minwoo shook his head and frowned. "I don't get it noona. If you can't let go, why not try to get him back?"
"He...has someone else." I tightened my lips and pouted.
"Just forget about him then. It's not worth it." Minwoo said.
I know... It's not worth it. He doesn't care about me anymore. Why should I?
Instead of responding to Minwoo, I just pat his back and smiled. "Thanks for understanding Minwoo."
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I'm not sure what it really was. But it was something close to depression. Everyday I dragged myself out of bed and only my body did the work. My mind felt registered to do the same thing every single day. Wake up eat work sleep. I didn't want to talk as much and it was as if I've forgotten how to smile. Nothing excited me anymore and nothing made me laugh.
I felt no emotion in anything that I did. Insomnia kept me awake all night long and often I would walk around waiting for the sun to go up. Tears used to flow out of my eyes without even trying but a person can only cry for so long. The tears dried up and instead all that came out were sighs. My appetite vanished with those sighs.
I never felt hungry or thirsty anymore. I just ate when everyone was eating but most of the meals, I skipped. I lost weight like crazy, easily noticeable by the way i looked in my clothes, flimsy and thin. Words gradually diminished until I only spoke when I had to. Mostly to teach or say something to Sua. I was mad at the world and everything around me. Everything felt stupid and I wanted to cuss out everything that I saw. Especially when the TV was on and it happened to be showing Jiyong and Miko. I was something short of the living dead.
My mom called me, telling me to come back to the US. I actually had a thought to...but I knew I had to finish up some business that was left here.
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[1 month later]
"Ah so you were the substitute English teacher huh?" Mrs. Kim said with a wide smile. She seemed about mid thirties and didn't exactly look like someone recovering from a heart surgery. She had been in a better condition and came to take her job back as the English teacher for Bigbang.
Ah right, I was just only a substitute.
"Yep! I've actually had alot of fun with them!" I said brightly with a fake smile.
Mrs. Kim had a momly smile and she warmly pat my back. "Yeah, I heard from Seungri, he really liked having you as his teacher. Tell you what. How about instead of me taking over from here, you can teach half the classes and I'll teach the other half and then later you can leave whenever. To make the change easier for the boys."
To make the change easier..? Good, that means I can gradually disappear from here, and never come back. Instead of saying anything else, I nodded.
Mrs. Kim left a few minutes later but instead, I decided to go to the dance studio to see if Youngbae was here. I hadn't seen him in so long and being the kind guy he is, he still managed to send me texts every once in a while.
In the dimly lit hallway, I could hear a heavy beat of 1tym's Hot playing in one of the rooms. I peeked inside the room through the glass in hopes of seeing him.
But then I felt a tap at my shoulders. "Remi?"
I turned around to see Seungri close to my face. His black hair was a tousled cutely in his usual wave and his signature dark circles hung under his eyes.
"Oh, what are you doing here?" Seungri asked.
I blinked and then took a step back. "Um... I was just looking for Youngbae oppa."
"Ah Youngbae hyung? He should be in there....and Jiyong-ie hyung. They're probably almost done actually."
Then right at that moment, the door swung open and a strong wind pushed outwards. Seungri grabbed my shoulders and pulled me back so I wasn't in the way of all the dancers walking out.
And then he came out. Jiyong, with his eyes completely fixated on his phone and walking so casually with his usual carefree walk. His beanie covered his entire head except for a few strawberry blondish hairs sticking out at the bottom.
He changed his hair again I guess. Sweat gracefully coated his skin and his well toned muscles.
And for the first time in a month, my heart began to beat again.
Jiyong hadn't seen me and kept on walking, right out of the hallway. My teeth sank in to my lip as I swallowed down what I thought was hope.
Seungri held up a hand over my eyes so that I couldn't see Jiyong walking away from me. I closed my eyes from the darkness for a few seconds and then I pushed Seungri's hand down.
"Seungri, I'm okay, don't worry." I said as I turned around to face him. "...thanks."
"Oh Remi-ya!" I heard a bright voice from behind me.
Youngbae widely smiled as he walked towards me from the studio and took his sunglasses off.
I grinned, "Ah oppa! Annyeong!"
Without any hesitation, Youngbae leaned forward and gave me a warm hug with his hand patting my back. He smelled of sweat and he was wet but I didn't mind at all. I was just happy I saw him.
"Seungri-ya, why are you here?" Youngbae asked as he pointed at Seungri.
Seungri looked taken aback, "Ah hyung, I work here. Remember we're co-workers?" Youngbae laughed heartily and I felt an unfamiliar twitch at my mouth....a smile.
Seungri started to walk forward and away from us. "Well I gotta go, I came here to talk to..." He cleared his throat, "...one of the dancers."
Youngbae smiled, "Yah, are you going out with her?"
Seungri scoffed and walked away out of sight.
"What's going on?" I asked.
Youngbae shook his head with a grin, "That kid got his eyes on another girl again."
Ohh Seungri. I nodded and grinned.
"So what brings you here?" Youngbae asked as his eyes thoroughly examined me.
I touched the back of my head. "I-I just wanted to see you...it's been a while."
"Yeah it has been..." Youngbae saw something in me and his eyes filled with concern. "Remi-ya, are you okay?"
I felt my body tense and my brow began to sweat. "I-I'm fine." I shook my head as if what he asked was just absurd, "why wouldn't I be?"
"Are you even eating? You look...so pale." Youngbae caressed my cheek with his hand.
Smile Remi, smile for him!
I forced a smile on my lips. My facial muscles felt tight and it hurt so much to smile. Like a dagger jabbing painfully at my cheeks.
"I'm fine. I really...really am." I lied, my voice crafting and pushing out the words out of my mouth. Sweat began to pour from my forehead and the air felt dizzy. The smile on my lips felt fixated and I couldn't move my mouth at all.
Youngbae's eyes saddened and he looked so worried. He his lips out of confusion and kept his watch on me. His finger reached up to my smile and traced my tight lips.
"...if you're so fine. Why are the corners of your lips down?" Youngbae asked quietly, his voice feathering, mixed with rhetorical and honest feelings.
I felt something come up in my lungs and I choked on my breath. My smile collapsed as they broke apart and my eyes broke open the tears. I tried so hard to keep the tears away but they came anyways.
I thought that I cried everything out of me but I guess not.
Youngbae's eyes were still sad as he watched me fall down to the ground. I gathered my knees to my chest and grabbed at my hair.
"I can't do it anymore oppa...i-it hurts...it hurts too much." I gulped down the dry air and felt as if my lungs were filled with sand. When I swallowed, my throat felt like sandpaper and my eyes felt tight and painful.
I just couldn't do it anymore. I tried so hard but if this would continue any longer, I would die soon.
I grabbed at my chest, now beating at the speed of lightening but every beat that it made gave me a violent rip throughout my entire body.
I fisted at my hair and my face twisted. "I-I just..." My voice cracked painfully. "I can't....forget him"
Through my tears, I saw Youngbae from the corner of my eye crouch down next to me. A disappointing sigh escaped from his mouth as he lightly grabbed my arms to bring me back up on my feet.
"Remi-ya...I need to give you something." Youngbae said, his hand gently holding my hands and leading me.
We walked out of the dance studio floor, and upstairs. I wept silently we walked on and on, to the third floor, and then to the fourth floor, to the fifth floor and then finally to the sixth floor.
He led me into that room with the wide windows, where it overlooked the city of Hongdae and all of it's beautiful lights. Just as the same as when Youngbae had given me that necklace that night, the sky was feathering pink and purples across, painting on a canvas.
It soothed me somehow and Youngbae led me close to the windows and let me sit down on the floor. It was absolutely silent and peaceful, even the air seemed to echo and my breathing was gone. Everything felt muted and calm.
Youngbae shoved his hand inside his pocket and fished something out. I recognized it right away. It was Jiyong's old MP3 player. The one that he gave me to listen to all the songs that haven't been published yet. He would always take it and fill it up with bunch of old songs and give it to me to listen to. It was a usual thing we did, and often at times, he would just record his voice, saying the randomest things he had thought of while working late at night.
Youngbae quietly handed me it with the earphones attached. He wasn't looking at me, but distantly at the beautiful sky.
"I promised Jiyong...but I can't stand to see you in anymore pain than this. It would kill me." Youngbae whispered, his eyes still not looking at me.
"Look for the track that says 'Let me love you'..." Youngbae put on his sunglasses and then he finally looked at me. There was a gentle smile on his lips.
I looked down at Jiyong's MP3 player and plugged in the earphones in my ears.
"And....go to sajangnim, after you're done." Youngbae turned around to walk away. But I couldn't bear to look at him. There was something more important in my hands. What...was in here?
My fingers brushed over the iPod buttons and just as Youngbae said, I found the track "Let me love you".
I swallowed hard and pressed play with my shaky thumb.
The cotton candy pink spread into the room and the air went warm.
My frozen heart from this crazy storm that I had been in, began to melt and so did my tears.
When I heard his voice flood into my ears, I felt my head go numb and my mouth flushed with the iron taste of blood from my teeth sinking into my lip.
"Remi-ya. Saranghae*"
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*saranghae- I love you.
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