Hannah can’t sleep that night. She is worried for the next day’s schedules – two radios in Yokohama first in the morning and then in the evening, a fan meeting there between and a TV broadcast late. She stays up, her eyes barely able to close or blink in the fear of what she has to face. Manager Lim sat with her for a long time before Maria came home, and she was left alone for a while before Maria slinked inside to lie next to Hannah and quietly talk about Kwon Hyunsuk. Hannah thinks her friend likes him, or at least how he wears his clothes. ‘I love his legs’, Maria had said when they were lying there, but Hannah hadn’t been able to smile. Emelia and Julia came too, not really saying anything but trying to show that they are there and Carolina tried to make her laugh by putting a glove on top of their kitten Ace’s head. It wasn’t fun.

And while everyone else was sleeping in the night, Hannah just lies there. She doesn’t cry, she doesn’t feel tired; she is just terrified of what will happen. On the laptop she had gone on twitter too (of course not tweeting, more like watching what has happened) and she realises that people comments wildly on twitter – hate and jealousy, nothing else. It’s almost that she thinks she will have to take away her twitter, but then she thinks of that P!nk is following her, and she will not take her account away in worries P!nk might not follow her again…

She does have her own idols.

And when morning comes she forces down to eat two eggs before heading to Yokohama for the day’s schedule. The whole ride in the van, Hannah is sitting and staring out the window, listening on music in her earphones loudly. Manager Lim is in the van with them: he and Manager Kawayama. Because Emelia is sensitive she gets to sit at the passenger seat (car sickness), and Manager Lim is sitting behind her, with Maria sitting behind their female manager driving and at the very back is the other three members sitting. Manager Lim has a lot of space to sit there, and he keeps talking to the ladies, saying that no one will bring up anything about Hannah and Jonghyun here in Japan; they have already called the radio stations and such to make sure no such questions will pop up. Emelia gets to converse from manager to manager, as Manager Kawayama isn’t so good at Korean. And Hannah is isolated in the corner at the back.

The first radio goes pretty well, it is like any other day. Beside from that Hannah is nervous the whole time; she can’t relax and she looks terrified several of times. Julia holds her hand once, just to try calming her down, wanting to tell the youngest that no one will mention Jonghyun. But the radio goes well otherwise, and that makes Hannah build up the worry inside her, because the next challenge of the day is the fan meeting. Meet their fans – the fans that now know that she is in a relationship.

Will they be ready to throw tomatoes on the stage or will they not come at all? That second part scares Hannah. What if her fans won’t come to the schedule at all?

She just has time to get that thought in her head when the van pulls up to where the fan meeting will be held, and they can spot fans outside the building – a lot of fans. Maria turns around in her seat to look at Hannah when the crowd outside starts to scream wildly at the van pulling up in front of the entrance.

“You ready?”

“Are you?” the youngest mutters while putting away her earphones and cell phone, not looking at the leader who sadly gives a pout before starting to get out.

Fans are several meters away, but Hannah still feels strange walking the two meters from the van to the door, lowering her head as low as she can to try hide. She doesn’t think she can face them…

“I don’t think I can do this,” Hannah whispers when hugging Maria’s arm a few minutes later, having a simple go-through on the stage where the fan-meeting will be held. She is staring out over the empty location that soon will be filled with fans, hugging Maria’s arm sadly.

Maria looks at her with big eyes. “Of course you can! WE can!” She claps Hannah on her shoulder with a secure nod, confident the group will be able to do this together. Hannah keeps pouting. It isn’t just the comments online but just that part in her heart that is guilty for admitting lying to her fans is eating itself a bigger hole.

Going backstage to get ready, Hannah’s whole body is slowly starting to panic as she hears the voices outside filling up the hall. When her eyes meet Emelia’s, she looks like she is about to cry and Emelia sighs, stepping up to the youngest to give her a hug.

“Uh, don’t hug me, that will make me cry,” Hannah whines quietly and Emelia stops hugging with a loud sigh.

It’s impossible to control her breathing, and her eyes keep tearing up from minute to minute. The ladies are all in this together, Maria keeps saying it, and they sing acapella three more times then usually just to help Hannah get in other thoughts. At the moment, it does feel better, all until they are stepping up on the stage. Starting to perform [Run Out], Hannah finds herself looking down on the stage. At rare moments she looks up, meeting the judging eyes of their fans that have filled out the hall, and her eyes soon find the floor again. It is no problem to dance and sing, the only problem is that she can’t look up at their audience and her whole body is terrified. She doesn’t want to look up, feeling bad for the fans who are here knowing she has lied to them.

Hannah keeps her eyes down even when changing position with Maria towards the end, stepping up behind Maria before the final chorus begins and her eyes keep looking down to the end. It feels like an eternity for the opening song to come to an end, and she keeps avoiding looking at their fans when walking up to stand with her members in a line, doing their Japanese greeting. Hannah’s self-introduction is simple; “hello, I’m 5 Pieces’ Hannah” with a bow; no cute actions or ‘magnae’ talk, just a simple introduction before bowing politely. Fans are screaming to each member, even to Hannah, and it makes her feel even worse. They do know about it, right?

Continuing with the fan meeting, they have a few simple segments with Q&A (questions were checked beforehand to make sure no strange questions are asked before 5 Pieces pick the questions up and answers them) and more. It is easier speaking in Japanese for the members after spending so much time in Japan now, and Hannah feels very happy that her members doesn’t try to make her speak or put focus on her. They have talked about it backstage, and none of the ladies wanted to put Hannah in that position now when she is so nervous to even face their fans that she still can’t look at, but of course if there are questions turned to all the members or just Hannah, she answers. It’s difficult to smile though, and she either looks down or at her members after they have taken their seats to do the segments. Many times she looks down at her hands holding the microphone in her lap, focusing on hearing what the members are saying and even showing a tiny smile when hearing them joke.

It seems to go so well. Fans are giving great reactions to the ladies during the segments, even to when Hannah is talking, and slowly her body is starting to relax and it isn’t so difficult to smile. Her members are making fans laugh many times too. Julia gives Hannah a smile, also relaxed when their fans don’t seem troubled with the recent news about Hannah and Jonghyun. The youngest smiles back a little, though she can’t look out at their fans she still thinks this goes so much better than expected. She is still too worried to really enjoy the fan meeting for full, but she does admit she has a little fun.

When the fan meeting is coming to an end, the girls are getting up from their chairs to prepare for the final song, staff hurrying up to remove the chairs.

“Our last song before parting today will be a song from our Japanese album… it’s [You Said A Lie],” Emelia introduces the song while the chairs are being removed. Hannah turns her back against the audience when drinking some water, giving the bottle to Julia standing next to her.

“Break up!” a voice calls out from the audience in Japanese suddenly while the fans are cheering and calling out names in light but not so high voices. That voice called out extra loud to be heard, and Hannah did hear it. Only Emelia of the other ladies seems to understand what it means, and Hannah looks down again when waking over to take her position with the others. Emelia looks at her; seeing how Hannah’s whole face-expression is blank. She doesn’t want to cry, she doesn’t want to break down on stage now in front of their fans. Before the music starts, Hannah hears the same voice call out ‘Hannah, break up!’ and this time Julia turns to Hannah while they are standing in their positions, mouthing in a question what it means. Hannah just shakes her head, trying to hold in her emotions, and when the music starts the ladies starts to perform.

The youngest starts to get angry through the song. Instead of wanting to cry she wants to ask whoever shouted at her to break up with her boyfriend why she can’t be in a relationship. She knows a lot of their fans being in a relationship, so she can’t understand why she can’t do the same. It’s not like she would ever tell a fan to break up with her boyfriend, right?

Bowing deeply, Hannah gets off the stage when the song ends. She gives the microphone to a staff member next to the stage, stopping her steps to wait for all members to come off the stage too. Carolina and Emelia are thanking the fans and waves to them while Julia is the first one to come up to Hannah.

“You okay?” Julia wonders in Swedish, being the only member who tends to speak more Swedish than another language as it is the most private language they can use.

Hannah shakes her head.

“What did that person say before the song?” Julia wonders.

The youngest bites the insides of her lips when holding in her tears. “That I should break up with Jonghyun,” she shortly answers before she continues to walk as she spots the members come off the stage. Julia looks shocked after her, and while Hannah walks to the room backstage, Julia turns to Emelia to ask if that fan really told Hannah that. Emelia nods, repeating the Japanese words the fans had spoken and translate it while they are going to the room too.

“But I think we did really well,” Carolina smiles happily. All of them had the worst scenes imagined about the fan meeting, so compared to those scenes to reality; reality was really much, much better.

Hannah must admit that too, but just to hear a fan tell her to break up with her boyfriend… that’s cruel. Though she feels a little like crying when getting backstage, she is mostly angry. Angry at herself for not being more careful or she is angry at herself because a part of her now really is happy the truth has come out, angry at her fans for not understanding and angry at that person who told her to break up, and angry at all the people writing comments online that she is a or it is a PR-trick… She is angry at a lot of things.

But being angry doesn’t stop her schedule. They do a few interviews backstage, mostly Japanese, and Hannah keeps disappearing in other thoughts. She thinks of the fan meeting, mostly remembering the floor. She remembers when she glanced up; meet the usual view of excited fans with their signs and purple coloured things representing 5 Pieces and Puzzle. She can remember smiles, but she can’t remember anyone glaring at her or looking to be cursing her for lying to them all this time. Finishing the interviews, the girls are in the backstage room changing into other clothes to go eat something. Hannah spots Carolina looking through some gifts the fans had left to them and the youngest joins her.

Hannah reads two letters, where one of the letters asks if she will release her new book in Japan and that the fan is excited to know what will happen in it. in the other letter the fan writes that she has gone to two of their concerts in Japan and she is looking forward to go to the last one in Tokyo; adding in a ‘PS’ at the end that Hannah should continue to smile, because that is what makes her 5 Pieces’ Hannah. Reading the letter, Hannah gets teary. The fan doesn’t mention at all about Jonghyun, but still Hannah thinks those words are meant for that. Reading a third letter, she can barely even read half of it. It is a guy who has written this letter, it is easy to tell even if you don’t look at the Japanese name. Hannah isn’t fluent in reading Japanese, but she does understand if she gets time to read. She reads through the whole letter with trouble, holding in her tears with a pout, and when hearing their manager say they are leaving she throws the letter in the garbage can on her way out.

Walking through the corridor, she is staring straight ahead while trying to hold in her tears. She can’t stop thinking of that letter, also thinking of the letter she wrote before that. Some people understand while others are cursing her. She can’t believe that a fan of hers actually wrote a letter to tell her that she is dishonest and doesn’t care about her passion as much as this fan thought, and that today was his last time spending money on the girl-group. 5 Pieces is loosing fans because of her.

And just that thought of that she is ruining it for her ladies makes it burst for Hannah. She stops and turns to hide her face against the wall when starting to cry, not able to hold it all in anymore. Emelia is quickly on her side, rubbing a palm against her back. Hannah can’t hear the voices around her, she just cries, feeling horrible for lying and keeping a secret this big and for ruining things for the group. Never did she want that. She thinks of their fans that spend hours, months and maybe even years liking the group, some spending all their money on them and appearing everywhere at all kind of times in the day. Puzzle do so much for 5 Pieces that Hannah only wants to do even more and be even better to not fail them, to not make their fans regret liking them… But in the end she has failed them, hasn’t she?

Fans love the thought of being able to imagine things. They love to imagine idols dating idols; coupling up this person with several others just because imagination has no boundaries, but Hannah knows that is all the fans actually wish it is – imagination. This is reality; she is in love in someone, and she can’t do anything about it.

Manager Lim had already walked out to the lobby entrance with Maria and the stylist, not knowing Hannah broke down in the corridor further away. They are waiting with the window walls around them, fans waiting outside and cheering by seeing Maria standing there and talking to their stylist about a kind of dress she would like to buy.

Emelia stands with Hannah until she has calmed down a little from crying against the wall. Manager Lee, Julia and Carolina are still in the room backstage, and apparently it is because Carolina suddenly had to use the bathroom.

“Come,” Emelia whispers and starts to walk with an arm around Hannah’s shoulders.

Hannah doesn’t care about the make-up. She keeps crying quietly, hiding behind her hands and letting Emelia guide her. When the corridor is coming to an end and they reach the lobby, Manager Lim says before seeing Hannah that they have to wait for the others before stepping outside. When spotting that the youngest is crying, he says something that she can’t hear in her mess and Emelia is the one answering. Hannah goes to the side, hiding by a sofa from the fans behind the windows. She sits down on her , hugging her knees and hides her face while crying. Maria forgets all about the lovely dress she found on the internet and walks over to sit in the sofa, a hand on Hannah’s arm to comfort her.

“Don’t mind them, baby,” Maria tries to calm the crying. It doesn’t work.

Fans are shouting insanely on the other side of the windows, most of them saw Hannah sitting down and some of them can see her from the other side of the room as two of the walls are made of glass windows, making it impossible for Hannah to really hide completely. A few fans even manages to film her, a bad angle of the camera trying to film with the manager standing in the way, only when the manager moves able to capture Maria sitting in the sofa with Hannah crying on the floor. Fans are going insane by the sight, all of them knowing the reason for the youngest lady breaking down.

“Don’t cry!” fans are chanting outside the windows, a few of the sensitive fans crying too.

For a moment, the fans had forgotten that Hannah is the magnae of 5 Pieces. They thought she wasn’t the young and innocent girl after knowing she has a boyfriend – having a boyfriend isn’t so innocent, and it means she isn’t as shy either – but during the fan meeting the fans saw how ashamed and bad she felt as she couldn’t even look at them. She couldn’t look at the fans that she had let down, and they are realising that when seeing how she is crying afterwards.

Hannah leans her head back, keeping her eyes closed and hands hiding her face so only Maria can see her from above.

“It won’t stop,” the youngest cries quietly, embarrassed for her tears that keeps coming endlessly.

“Then keep it coming,” Maria comforts her confidently.

She makes Hannah laugh while crying. Maria gives a pout when seeing the youngest endlessly crying even when she gives a short laugh at the leader’s words. Hannah lowers her head again without a smile as the tears keeps coming, hearing the fans screaming outside the windows.

“It’s insane,” Maria sighs, looking up at Manager Lim who walks up to them, “first the fans are complaining about the whole situation but now they are regretting it only when our baby is crying. They are insane and this is not okay.”

“This is how the life of an idol is like,” Manager Lim says in a calm voice, trying to block the fans view in front of Hannah. “I think you have done just amazing today, Hannah, and I think all of your fans are taking the situation in and realising that you are just human like all of them.”

“Just shut up, Appa,” Maria shakes her head at how he is using his voice to try approach the youngest crying. “Hannah needs food now. Are you hungry? Do you want to eat curry rice?”

Hannah shakes her head, and when Maria asks if she wants to eat something else she answers that she doesn’t want to eat. Maria sighs and looks up at their manager before spotting the others arriving in the room. They are waiting a few minutes for Hannah to calm down just a little bit, and Maria helps her to stand up, holding an arm around her to help her walk to the van and Manager Lim makes sure to walk on Hannah’s other side to block the view from fans. Hannah is good to hide her face, hiding behind her hair when looking down, and she is deeply thankful for her members and managers being there for her. She wouldn’t have been able to leave the floor if it wasn’t for them.

Maria is an amazing leader. She gives up on her seat in the van to sit at the back with Hannah, giving her tissues as the tears just keeps flooding down her face. Most of the time she is crying in silence during the ride, but then she starts to hyperventilate so Maria has to try give her tips on how to calm down. Carolina looks like she is going to start crying through the whole ride when hearing and seeing the youngest being a mess. Quietly she tells Emelia that she is never going to get in a relationship like this. Emelia shortly answers that she will, just not now. Hannah has no idea of where all these tears come from. She feels empty on the inside, as if she has no water left in her body and her tears are made of blood and other things, emptying her completely from the inside. It is a horrible feeling. She doesn’t know if she is hungry, but she knows she can’t eat. And that, Manager Lim do not accept.

Arriving to the restaurant, most of them head inside to order the food. Maria leaves too after having her manager tell her and Hannah assures her she can be left in the van, especially since stylist Mi Young is there to fix the messy face of hers and Manager Lim stays outside the van to wait for them.

Mi Young gives out a long, low sigh when fixing Hannah’s make-up – removing the mess and simply applying a little new fresh make-up.

“You can’t cry with the new make-up on, Hannah,” the stylist whines when a tears is rolling down the pale cheek. Mi Young wipes the tear away with a cold finger.

“I’m sorry…”

Mi Young makes a grimace with her lips, biting on it too while watching how destroyed Hannah looks like now when sitting in front of her in the bad van lightning, her eyes red whenever she opens her eyes and face all pale under the make-up. Mi Young thinks the youngest has the worst of luck among the members. She is fighting with her family in Sweden (the only member currently not having a family outside Korea, which is really sad), she was criticized about her weight when they debuted and her weight is still under a lot of issues as she continues to loose weight (the Hannah sitting in front of her has never been this skinny before, and that is worrying), she was in a car-accident that definitely hasn’t helped her anyway other than finding a friend of a lifetime (cute Kyung Ho is everyone’s favourite) and though Hannah has the most adorable love life with Jonghyun, they started their friendship hiding their true feelings for each other for two years before confessing and then hided it from public for the next three years… and now, here they are. The girl looks pale, she is still loosing weight though Hannah says she is getting better (she still has her curves, how that is possible amazes Mi Young), and she doesn’t seem to have the energy to live at the moment.

“It will get better,” Mi Young whispers while applying rouge on the cheeks. “All you need is to let your fans melt in the news and everything will be as it used to be.”

Hannah sighs. “I don’t want everyone to tell me that. ‘Everything will be okay once they have gotten used to it’. Everyone keeps telling me that.”

“If everyone tells you that, then it must be true.”

“So if all my fans tell me it is better to break up, you mean that is true?” Hannah mutters.

The hand that she felt by her jaw moves and when not feeling it anymore, Hannah opens her eyes. Mi Young is looking at her with a sad face-expression.

“You need to remember the good things in life, Hannah,” Mi Young whispers. “You need to remember all the people that care for you.”

“I do remember those things, Unnie, that is why I’m sad and angry. The more fun I have, the worse situation I have to face. I know what I have and I love what I have, but I also know that I can loose all the great things with a simple little mistake,” Hannah simply answers, her voice straight and expressionless, as if she was reading from a book a sentence she has read several of times before that it is imprinted in her memory. She looks confused after saying that. “I read a letter from a fan, who wrote that he is no longer our fan – 5 Pieces’ fan – because of me. I have been dishonest to my fans. A tiny little lie is no big deal, but I have lied for three years saying I am not dating, and that isn’t something they can look past. I am not crying because my fans tell me to break up with Jonghyun – that part, I am only angry at – but to know that I am causing something bad for the group – that makes me sad.”

“They don’t think so – your members.”

“They will.”

“Hannah, you have to remember that this is 5 Pieces. You are a family – we are a family. What you would do for them, they will do for you – all of us will,” Mi Young says with the saddest face-expression she has ever possessed. “You need to realise that.”

Both of them gets quiet when Manager Lim knocks on the window from the other seat, and the two girls finishes up in silence. When heading inside the restaurant, Mi Young smiles with teary eyes as Hannah gives her a hug.

“Thank you, Unnie,” the youngest whispers.

It is good to know the people around her are working hard for her. They have patience with her.

Though she doesn’t eat much, Hannah is watching the others eat with joy. She is thankful for having them all. Her members, brightly eating and talking with food in their mouths (Maria even burps in her napkin) and then their managers, always doing their best to make sure 5 Pieces are at their schedule and feeling good, even going to buy food for them in cold weather or rain and having to deal with the ladies fighting and nagging and rule-breaking moments, and of course, their stylist … what would 5 Pieces do without them? Hannah finds herself smiling when watching Mi Young laugh behind her hand at a picture Emelia shows her during dinner, but the smile disappears when she sees some people further away in the restaurant turning around over and over again to look at them. She wants to hide, get invincible or go abroad to an desert island where not even the monkeys can look at her.

She can’t believe that just a few days ago she was enjoying the stage; laughing and having fun running around and making face-expressions to their fans that were cheering her on. She has so much fun on stage, actually entertaining people. Her family would probably never think she could do that. Hannah, entertain someone. Hannah, loosing weight and been called pretty, talented and popular – she has accomplished to achieve a new life as a complete different person than who she grew up to be, a person who no one from her past life can recognize. Emelia’s parents always say they can’t recognize her with laughter, and Hannah agrees with them. If she looks at old pictures of herself, she can’t recognize that girl. The confidence is probably the same, the self-esteem and all that too, but on the looks and how others view her – she is someone else.

The song she wrote, [I CRY], would be a good example to how she feels. She can’t recognize the girl in the mirror, but maybe for another reason than what is described in the song.

Hannah doesn’t know if she is the person she is today – if this is really her – or if she is the one she was in the past. Is she one of them or someone else? She loves the life she has now, most parts of it, but she doesn’t like that she always has to watch her back. Make sure of what to say, how to look, what she does – will she ever be able to do something normal again without seeing it on the internet the next day?

The girl wakes up from her deep thoughts when Maria is saying her name, waving a hand in front of her face.

“You phone is ringing,” Maria answers, annoyed by the signal coming from Hannah’s jacket that just doesn’t stop.

Hannah looks to still be spacing out when taking up her cell phone, seeing that it is Jonghyun calling. Without a word she puts it to her ear after pressing green, and a worried voice of the person she loves asks her several questions in a row, a few seconds taken to ask all questions. She has no idea of what questions he asks, all she focuses on is hearing his voice, closing her eyes to pretend she is alone. Worried, Jonghyun asks her to say something.

“I like your voice,” she whispers.

Julia is suddenly choking on rice in the seat next to Hannah’s, hitting her fist on her chest to regain conscious, glaring at Hannah for that spaced-out voice.

“You like my voice? After all questions I asked you, you say you like my voice?” Jonghyun sounds amused. He then sounds sad. “I saw a video on the internet now – I am recovering from the accident and I have a lot of time for it. You were crying.”

Hannah pouts, thinking of her being a mess just a while ago. She still feels like a mess, hiding behind the mask of make-up. “You should be happy you don’t have a schedule,” she mutters at him, lifting up her head to her forehead to try forgetting that the table she is sitting by has gotten quieter.

“You regret coming out with it?”

“No.”

“You don’t?” he sounds surprised.

“I don’t regret it. I just don’t want to get up from bed in the morning at the moment,” she whispers to him, putting down her hand to give a glare at those around the table. Maria keeps looking at her, the only one not hiding that she is listening. “And I am surrounded with people helping me pull through, it makes it easier.”

Maria’s whole face shines up by the worse; Emelia too is giving a smirk while looking down at her food, pretending to eat.

“That’s good,” Jonghyun sounds a little relieved at her last words, “I just wished I could be there with you. Or you here with me, hiding in my room together.”

She can’t believe that she isn’t going to see him in a while, though it has been more than four weeks it isn’t the end. She wants to cry again, missing her boyfriend and hating the haters for not letting her live. The call isn’t longer than that, but she is thankful for that he called so she could hear his voice.

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The next day they have concert rehearsals in Nagoya and a fan meeting, filming for their Japan DVD during that time. Hannah is just blank the whole day. She cried the whole night, not sleeping, and she isn’t eating, and she is a complete mess but at least she doesn’t fall down and cries. By now, there are no tears left in her body. Slowly and painfully the day goes by, and the girls wake up early the next morning to continue with the rehearsals and prepare for the concert.

During today’s rehearsals, Hannah is wearing one of the couple shirts Jonghyun had got for them. She took a picture of it in the morning, sending it to Jonghyun writing that she will think of him the whole day.

Yesterday’s rehearsal had been awkward. It was the first time meeting the dancers and band after the news came out, and she knew they would ask her if it really is the truth. She told them it is, and they did have questions, but her members saved her each time. Even Emelia said it is not the time to question the youngest on her love-life, asking if they have no shame in their bodies for fun, and they laughed at it. Hannah didn’t laugh, but she wasn’t asked anymore after that.

She feels tired today too, completely emotionless and drained on everything. During the break she just lies down on a blanket on the floor with Ace lying on her stomach. Ace give Ryo a glare when the puppy wants to join them and the puppy goes to lie next to them instead where Ace won’t complain. It is interesting how their pets are all males, and Ace as soon the smallest of them still is the leader over the two puppies. It’s fun to watch them at times, though it doesn’t entertain Hannah much these days even if she loves their company.

After lunchtime, Hannah sees that Jonghyun has sent her a text message that only tells her to check twitter. She does check twitter, having to go through a lot of things before seeing that Jonghyun has posted a picture. It is a picture of his neck to waist, of the same couple shirt Hannah is wearing. For the first time in two days, she laughs. ‘Fighting!’ he has written, nothing else, and it is adorable.

Heading back out to finish the rehearsal (now there are fans out there, VIP) Emelia playfully puts her fist on Hannah’s cheek to pretend to hit her.

“Silly cry-baby,” Emelia mutters, but Hannah senses she is smiling behind her poker face. Hannah hugs her friend’s arm, resting her cheek on her.

“I can’t wait for this tour to end,” Hannah whispers.

“Liar!” Emelia laughs loudly, surprising Hannah over the sudden sound. “You will regret saying that later.”

Hannah pouts. At the moment she just wants to go hide, not want to be in public or on stage; but she kind of guesses that her friend is right. She will regret it later, wishing the tour won’t end. But now, she doesn’t want to do the concert. They reaches the stage and comes up with their microphones, and Hannah bows when spotting the fans and she stays on a distance from where they are without even thinking about it. She has no idea of how she will manage to do the concert; fans will be exactly everywhere. She won’t be able to hide or look away because even if she will turn around it will be fans that direction too. Knowing this makes her worried. She can’t break apart at the concert, she just can’t allow herself to cry or be affected by their fans – she must do everything to manage to complete the concert.

With a focused face-expression, Hannah doesn’t really smile while the fans are there; she just focuses on the rehearsal and at the end she gives a bow and quietly in the microphone wishes their fans will enjoy the concert. The other members are still bright and excited, jumping around and making mistakes in their Japanese when trying to talk to the fans between the songs.

The concert is about to start, and Hannah is sitting with some of the dancers, slightly stretching and chatting. Julia is sitting with them too; though she isn’t stretching she is the one talking with the others with the help of their manager sitting with them. Hannah gets quiet again when one of the dancers mentions that he had absolutely no idea Hannah had a boyfriend – it shocked them all.

“Ah, is that why you get so stiff whenever one of the guys sits down next to you?” the girl they call WakaWaka (her real name is Yamawaki Orino) asks the moment she comes to think of it.

“No, she has always been like that around guys,” Julia laughs lightly and the others are like ‘aah’ while nodding their heads.

“Hanako used to do that too. Then she joined our group and she had to dance with the guys for some song, and she seems to prefer sitting with them now,” WakaWaka continues, moving the focus to the youngest of the female dancers instead of Hannah.

Hanako giggles, “That’s because they have more interesting subjects to talk about.”

Hannah keeps looking down at the floor, pretending she is focusing on stretching while she in fact can’t focus on the conversation. She is thinking about the concert, wondering how she will do. She felt rude when the fans were present during the rehearsal, as if the fans that like 5 Pieces are the enemies – as if she shouldn’t like them, as if she should avoid them and be angry at them. She doesn’t like that feeling. When their manager suggests the two ladies to go get their microphones on, Hannah clears her head just a little to give a smile to the dancers and wish them all good luck on the stage.

“I’m nervous,” Maria whines and embraces Hannah the moment the youngest enters 5 Pieces room backstage. “What if it’s like yesterday? I feel really bad if that will happen. Whatever happens, baby, I’m right next to you, alright?”

Maria has been worried for days for Hannah now. She hates the reaction of their fans and she keeps telling their managers she wants to say something right up in the fans faces to let them know that while they think they are making a point with their behaviour to shout out for Hannah to break up with her boyfriend, stand outside the fan meeting instead of coming inside so only half of the hall is filled only makes 5 Pieces disappointed. Aren’t 5 Pieces and Puzzle more than this? She has so much to talk about with their fans about this, so much to ask them to know why they are acting so foolish at the moment. She is only this upset because it is hurting the group’s youngest, and like she always says; if one is hurt, they all are hurt.

“Let’s forget everything,” Maria is telling Hannah when they are heading to do the cheer with the dancers and the band before the concert will start. “Tonight is not about what has happened this past week or that our fans are sad they have no chance to get together with our baby… Just, don’t think about anything, Hannah, and let’s just do the best concert tonight, alright?”

Hannah nods a little absentminded and Maria gives her a glare. The youngest smiles. “Alright,” she answers and hugs her arm. “Thank you.”

Maria looks satisfied, but she doesn’t respond to Hannah’s thank, instead she shouts out for the others that she sees are gathering in front of them if they are excited for the concert. A loud cheer comes from their crew; all of them seem ready to get on stage. Hannah feels misplaced standing with them, not excited at all for the concert. It is a first for her. She has always been excited to go on the stage, even during their debut as they always knew a part of the audience would support them. Now … she just thinks it wouldn’t matter if she was on stage or not. She has no energy to be on the stage, but it isn’t like she can just sulk in the corner and leave her members who are still working hard.

Hannah sets up her mind to do what their leader told her, and during the cheer she is nodding for herself to do what they say; have fun, talk a lot, don’t make mistakes and once again have fun.

That mindset disappears when the concert begins. Hannah looks too serious when they start to perform, she doesn’t smile and she even looks furious. She can’t control her heartbeat and while trying to focus on the song her head is in such a mess that she can’t control her face-expression. She is too nervous to perform, to face 10,000 fans. The first song [Bad Girls] is okay to perform as serious as Hannah, the opening is always supposed to be charismatic. [Sleeper] coming after is also alright, because Hannah’s seriousness could be misled as charismatic, but for the song coming after that, fans could easily notice she is not alright. [For a Lifetime] is the fun song where the ladies will go around on the other stages instead of staying on the main stage. Hannah hesitates to go out from the main stage, worried to have fans below her on her left and right side just as much as the front and back. Surrounded by fans…

She steps out on that stage, slowly doing so while messily trying to follow along to the beginning of the song. Usually she is supposed to talk here, ask the fans in Japanese if they know this song or if they are excited for the concert, but now she just waits for her own part to sing – she is the first who sings, so it comes fast. She is walking on the left side-stage with Carolina, who has run halfway while Hannah is at the beginning, the youngest trying to pretend she is focusing on her singing while she in fact is terrified to look up. Carolina further away on the stage is smiling and she looks excited when she is trying to make some fans in front of her jump up and down by doing so herself. It looks like she is going to fall off the stage if she continues jumping near the edge of the stage much longer.

Without a smile, Hannah walks after Carolina. She doesn’t have the energy to jump, not the energy to smile, and it makes her mood go down even more knowing she for the first time doesn’t want to be on the stage. It feels different: as if the people in the audience aren’t there for her but for the other members – as if her own fans haven’t come here or if her fans aren’t anymore her fans just because she has a boyfriend.

Oh, she really wants to get off the stage.

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Headline 21st: Japan Puzzle Shows Their Dissatisfaction During 5 Pieces’ Schedules Of Hannah Being In A Relationship

Headline 21st: 5 Pieces’ Hannah Seen Crying After Japan Fan Meet

Headline 21st: 5 Pieces Gives Laughter At Japan Broadcast

Headline 22nd: Third Best Book Of The Week In Korea Is ‘Joe – Under Seoul’s Streets’

Headline 22nd: Fans Stays Outside 5 Pieces’ Fan Meeting In Nagoya To Show Their Disappointment

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I'm thinking about putting M stuff in this story... I think it's called M anyway. Any thoughts?

X. devonalias