Jeju-do, South Korea

The sea is so beautiful... Breathtakingly beautiful. I always find myself stopping on this spot while strolling around with my bicycle. Three years of living here and I'm still amazed at how beautiful this view is, taking a photo of this can't do justice on it's beauty. It's better to be captured and stored in my memory.

Today is exactly three years since I locked myself in this place. With no one who knows me and treated me as a regular person. No special treatments and no sasaeng fans out there lurking around.

Just me, myself, and peace of mind.

And it's four years since that dreadful day...

I absentmindedly reached for my right shoulder arm squeezing it. It's better now but not the way it used to be.

I should have listened to my friend before and insured this. I thought it was absurd especially when she told me JLo has her insured for millions of dollars. Talk about investment I'm telling you.

I'm rich and I'm happy. Maybe because I'm free from all the stress and worries of this world. I earned those money from my playing contracts and endorsement. It was a great decision to put those money in investments like what Jackie said or else I'd be a penniless former sports superstar who drained her money to girls, drinking, and drugs. Wait... That sounds bad. I don't even do drugs. Yuck. I did drink but I stopped after the 2nd day because it doesn't make sense. Girls..... Yeah. One night stands are great, I'm just good at getting away first thing in the morning.

But I did lose money because of my ex-girlfriend.. and the more I think of it the more I came to realize that I spent a good million of dollars for that Benz. Because I gave her everything she wants and she gave me good loving. I thought it was love. It was wild and exciting plus the fact that she's y, pretty and a Victoria's Secret model.

It was a wise decision to sell that big mansion in L.A.... Lots of bad memories of her in every corner of that big house. I don't need it anymore.

I was 18 and halfway in my freshman year at University when I was drafted to the big hockey league. I played in my High School team and my stats were great. Im not the first ever woman to join a league full of testosterone filled guys who only has 1 thing in mind : to get that coveted championship cup. That's what I like about hockey, they allow woman players like us to join a team full of guys especially if that team needs your services.

I trained with the team while balancing my studies. At first, they were not that happy to see a woman like me joining them. Guys will be guys, pride and all. But I proved myself to them by getting better and making my body ready for combat. I use the Woman's locker as my changing area then join them in the dug out.

Every after practice sessions with the team, I stay back and have my own practice. Shooting pucks on the goal and strengthening my arms and skating. In one of our team's important games, I scored the goal that brought us to championship. That's where it all started. My coach saw my potential and my lethal arm that's why he told me that I only have one job to do for the team: shoot that puck in the goal and score. I can skate around and look for a good angle and the moment my team mates pass that vulcanized rubber disk, I need to score the goal.

The fame, endorsements, media coverage came. It became a frenzy when I helped the team on winning the cup. It happened thrice and it made me a multi million dollar worth of a player. I didn't like the limelight and I always shade myself with my snapbacks and glasses from all the cameras following me. I bought the mansion in L.A. as a hide out from all of the paparazzis and stayed there working on my form. If Michael Jordan has his own basketball court inside his house, I got my own ice skating rink inside mine.

I didn't notice that some of my team mates are already jealous of what I have achieved. It was one crucial game...

A deciding game where I only have to shoot that puck and we head on to our 4th finals appearance. It was a tie and I did what I always do on the ice, skate and scout for an opening, readying myself for another big opportunity. I saw it, there was an opening what I only needed is the puck.

My team mate and only friend on the team saw me and we made a signal. He will pass the puck to me and I'll shoot it clean without any mistakes. I can see the floor wide open because our defense was good.

He passed the puck to my direction and my stick got hold of it. I took some turns and readied myself, looking at the clock. I have 5 seconds to shoot it and I gripped my stick hard swinging it like what I always do. My magic swing that brought 3 Championship cups doing its job again.

Just as my stick made the puck flying towards the goal, a strong force collided on me. Sending me to the boards making me unconscious.

I woke up in the hospital with a cast on my good arm and my sister standing beside me looking relieved. She said I was unconscious for 3 days. The doctors came and told me the bad news.

My right shoulder arm was fractured because of the impact of the body check our opponent accidentally did. Although they already corrected and aligned it, it has to be taken care of.

My arm was in a cast for 7 months, all that time my girlfriend only visited me thrice. Once was to check on me, second time was to get some of her things in the house because she's flying to Vegas for a show, and third she broke up with me and told me she married her agent.

Yep, I was depressed for a total of 3 days. After that, I realized she's not worth anything. It just shows that she doesn't love me. Because she thought my career is over and I can't play anymore, she thought I can't sustain her needs. That is where she was wrong. My cousin and sister was there with me during the hard times. They made me realize that she's just using me and my money.

I motivated myself to overcome my injury. My cousin flew in from Korea her friend who is a very good sports therapist and she helped me to slowly recover from the injury. My coach was still hoping that I recover because he said the team needs me.

They actually entered the championship because of my last goal. But they lost because like my coach said, they need me. No one has ever done what I did to the team. They can never copy my signature swing.

Coach said they made an investigation on what happened to me. Turns out the guy who did the bodycheck on me, an opponent of us that time, was just paid by one of our team mate because apparently the guy is jealous of me.

I mean, what the hell!? If you want to excel, do everything you can do so that you can beat me and be the hero. You don't have to paralyze me or bust my arms off.

He was just given a 3 game suspension. Tough luck, huh.

I recovered from my injury and in no time got back to playing. But it was never the same again. I lost my interest in the sport. My passion subsided. It just doesn't make sense anymore. I can still shoot the puck and score, I even brought revenge to the team when I joined them again and gave them another championship. But it was the last championship I will give to them.

At the press conference for the team, I announced my retirement to the hockey league. Just like that. All 5 years of playing and winning. It made me one of the richest athletes based in Forbes Magazine. But I felt that it's time to hang my jersey and live a normal life.

After announcing my retirement, I went out of the conference area with my sister and cousin with paparazzis and sports reporters following me. It was the biggest sports news of the year.

Amber J. Liu, one of the greatest woman hockey player in the league retiring at the young age of 23.

I went out of the radar after that announcement. Decided to sell the mansion then went back to Korea with my cousin.

Since Seoul is pretty big and I'm still recognized because of my retirement, I decided to settle in Jeju Island. A place where no one knows me and a place that I can be myself.

A place where I can be a coffee shop server or a newspaper delivery girl riding my bicycle.

When I first came here, I didn't know where to stay. An old lady on the market selling vegetables told me she rents out one of her rooms in her Hanok for an affordable price. I grabbed the chance and closed the deal with her with a promise that she will feed me and I will help her in the market.

The home was very cozy and she has a vegetable garden inside her compound. Grandnana Kim lives with her Granddaughter Dani who was still in school when I arrived. The kid was already an orphan and Grandnana was the one who raised her since she was a baby.

Grandnana thought I was a boy because, well, I look like a boy because of my appearance even though my hair is not that long and tied in a small bun. She said because I look handsome enough and I dress like a boy.

I told her that I am a nice person even though I prefer the same gender. Grandnana surprised me when she said 'I don't care whatever your preference is. As long as you do good to other people and you are happy with what you are, there's no problem with that.'

Her Granddaughter Dani is very nice too and I treated her like my own little sister. She knew about what I am and she's okay with it saying that it's cool because she have an unnie and Hyung at the same time.

Since then, I lived with the Kims and helped Nana with her vegetables. I do some part time work in the café then I deliver newspapers in the morning in our neighborhood. A quiet life in a quiet place full of nice people.

Eventually, Dani found out about me one day when she was surfing the net. She saw an old online news article about my retirement and how I disappeared all of a sudden in the face of L.A.

I told her my story and she promised to never disclose it to anyone. Although no one in Jeju gives a about hockey that's why no one recognizes me. But one day, a sports reporter went on a vacation in the island and probably saw me. He wrote a blind item article online pointing that I must be hiding in Jeju. Soon, sports reporters, paparazzis, and sasaeng fans started to flock in the island looking for me. I literally imprisoned myself inside my room because if I do step outside our house, there will be breaking news all over the sports world. And I don't wanna be on the center of that madness.

Dani thought of a great idea and called her best friend Tia. With the help of Tia's brother Joey who is a barber, he cut my hair short like a boy. Damn.

It was short and with some of it covering my forehead. My jawline became prominent and the hair added some iness in me. I wore my snapback lowering it to hide my face. Perfect! Now I don't look like Amber Liu, I look like Lee Donghae of Super Junior. Waaaaahhhhh!!!!!

With their help, I went out of our house and test our experiment. The roaming crowds of reporters and fans didn't recognize me because of the hair and the cap. I resumed working on the café and delivering newspapers. Eventually the news died out and they all went home without any sightings of the aloof Amber J. Liu in their camera lenses even though I made their coffee and served their pastries. They thought I'm just one of Lee Donghae's die hard fanboy who copies him. Not bad.

Dani, Tia, and Joey just laughed their asses off because they thought the reporters and fans are dumb when they didn't recognize me. I'm just happy I wasn't recognize because I don't want to answer any questions or take a photo of me.

I'm well-off and it's enough for me to live without worries of getting hungry, I got a job, I got friends, I got my sister and my cousin, and I'm happy.

Am I really happy?

I think so.... But why does my heart feels empty at night when I go to sleep? Like it yearns for something... Or someone.

Crap. Do I need to get laid? Is getting laid the answer to this yearning?

I don't know why but I feel like there's a void inside my heart that needs to be filled. Whoever that is, I don't know where she is. I don't know if I can trust again, let alone love again.

Love is just a one-time thing. Nothing's definite in this world. All of them are the same, they will tell you they love you and adore you. Then they will start to ask for everything their eyes will see. When they think that they don't need you anymore, they will set you aside. That's what I learned when that of an ex-girlfriend of mine left me and now it's stuck in my llama brain.

It's better to play than be played.

And play I did.

Jeju has its fair share of bars and nightclubs that locals and tourists frequents. Baozen street is my favorite place because a lot of tourist goes there most especially at the bar I frequently hang out with Joey. He's my wingman, and he knows how I roll. Friday night is our bar night, lots of girls dancing around, tourist drinking their heads of.

Amber J. Liu doesn't even have to do anything. Joey will talk to the girls, point at me while I just sit there in the table, drink my beer, wearing my black skinny jeans and black t-shirt. Show my arm tattoos and brush my short black hair back like I'm doing a commercial and give them my toothpaste commercial worthy grin. Bingo. Girls will come to me and the lucky one gets to be treated extra special for that night. They don't even care when I tell them I'm a girl, they said it's even better because I'm hotter than their oppas. 

Of course I don't bring them home. Nana will have a heart attack if I bring home a random girl every week. That's why it's either their hotel room (if the girl is a tourist) or a nearby inn or hotel (they pay the room of course) or if they can't hold it, the back alley of the club. I don't want to tell how just imagine.

This is my life now. I don't know how long I will live like this but I came to accept it and make the most out of it.

The wind brushes my hair and I can feel my sweat trickling in my forehead. I better get home fast, Nana and Dani might be waiting for me. I rode my bicycle and rode around town entering an alleyway going to Nana's Hanok.