"Shattered"

Song: Sweden laundry, Letter Flow - 흩어진다

I leaned to the leather back of my driver seat, placing my head to the left side of the window, watching the studio across the road. I’ve parked my car for an hour there, just waiting and waiting. The green tea latte that I drank several hours ago was still there; I knew I’m hungry and I should eat properly rather than having two serves of coffee, but I didn’t want to miss the only chance I got. I have to see her today.

“Jinah nuna is having a photoset this evening at Studio M. It’s going to be done around 10 PM tonight. Just wait across the studio, her van will be parked there”

I’ve seen her van parked not too far from my current position, I even saw her usual driver talked with the crew in front of the studio. I checked on the time on my watch, it’s an hour late from her supposed schedule. Was she always worked this late? Was she always had her schedule prolonged than it should be? How would she get a proper rest if she kept working every day and end it this late? Was she taking her meal well? The last time we met, before she left me hanging at the resort three weeks ago, she was having digestion problem that she lost her appetite, she’s rarely eating properly. Was it cured already?

I was sighing at the thought of her. Im Jinah, the unbeatable woman. She really occupied my mind these days. Upon the meeting at her apartment when I saw Kim Woobin there, she truly didn’t contact me once. The communication I got with her was only about the divorce and it’s informed by the lawyer team. I really had no chance to talk with her, no matter how hard I tried to meet her. She was always packed with schedules and she’s not replying any of my messages and calls. Thanks to Jongin who’s pretty close with Minkyung, her assistant, he managed to get Jinah’s schedule from her and informed it to me. Minkyung would help as well, he told me.

I recalled those days when I didn’t hear anything from her in weeks after I knew about her pregnancy. She’s really stubborn back then, but I didn’t see any difference now. When Jinah had her mind on something, she would stay there, remain unmoved. It’s so hard to change her way of thinking but I knew that she’s not a baseless person; Jinah always had reason for everything; that’s why I believed that there must have been something behind all of this crazy stuff. Divorce. What’s she had on her mind to leave me like this?

We’re in love. I could feel it. Darn it, it’s love, I knew it. The moment I wanted to find her so bad when she’s missing in Guangzhou, the day I woke up and felt like something was missing when she’s not there next to me, I knew that I didn’t want to lose her, not ever. It was such a hard and long time before we finally admitted that we developed feeling towards each other. I didn’t see anything wrong in our relationship, so why would she want a divorce? I really couldn’t get myself there. We’re ing fine together.

I couldn’t avoid the thought of her leaving me for the past weeks. The moment I knew she wanted a divorce; it was like my world had been shattered. The feeling was the same like when I knew I was losing my father over the car accident, when I realized that the important person in my life was about to leave me. It was like the day when I knew my mother wanted to alienate me to the other side of the world, placing me in a country where I knew no one and where there’s none of our family living there. Left by the most valuable person for me, I couldn’t let her go as well. There’s no way I would grant her wish. We just need to talk; we just need time to stay together again, to feel each other. She must have not been in her right mind.

Ever since she left me, my life has gone bad. Coming home to our empty house was not an easy task to do. I was always looking forward to go home, because I knew that she’d be there, waiting for me; be it with her burnt fried rice that ended up with the food made by the maid or when she should be on diet for her work while I’m eating like crazy with delicious food she couldn’t have for the sake of keeping her body for the photo- shoot, I enjoyed every moment I had with her. The morning, the afternoon, the evening, every single time spent with her was so precious; I couldn’t and wouldn’t believe if she said that it was not love. We’re basically relying on each other ever since we confessed about our feeling back in Guangzhou.

If it’s not love, what would those days in Madrid were? Celebrating the first anniversary of our wedding there, we’re basically glued to each other, unable to pull one day without being too long in the hotel. Those days and night when I made love to her, just for her and her only, we barely left the hotel because the moment I could be really close and intimate with her was so rare that when we finally could go outside the country and spent time together, what I wanted was to cherish and worship her. And it was such an absolute delight when I caught her looking at me, with such a loving stare.

‘What?’ I asked her when she just lying next to me, under the blanket. She placed her fingers around my jaw, smiling.

‘I like seeing your face’ she said, giggling.

‘I like seeing it too’ I replied sheepishly, earning her cute laugh.

‘What a snob’ she rolled her eyes, but then looking at me again, softly caressing my side.

‘What again this time?’ I asked her, pulling her closer to me. I like having to touch her skin directly, able to smell her and placed kisses on her soft skin. I really love this woman.

‘I like this moment. The time I could wake up and see you like this next to me. Only for me’ she said, a bit embarrassed but her wide smile said it all. I felt what she felt.

‘I’m yours’ I said as I took her hand and kissed it. She let out a small smile and then cupped my face, looking like we’re not going to see each other again like that.

‘I have this thought in my mind” she started, rubbing on my stubble. ‘I just have to see you every day, more and more’

‘Why?’

‘I’m afraid that it’s only dream’ she whispered, stopped rubbing and just looked at me. 

‘You’re so beautiful that I’m afraid I’ve been living in an imaginary world and not the real one. That one day, I have to let you go because you’re not exist in my life’

I let out a chuckle towards her words. This time, I was the one who cupped her face and looked at her.

‘I’m real. I’m here for you. And I’m the one who’s afraid of losing you, Im Jinah. I love you with all of my heart and soul” I said, looking at her directly as I talked to her. She smiled a relieved small smile and pulled herself up, placing her body above mine, once again cupping my face as she looked at me.

‘I love you, Kris Wu’

And that’s what I remembered before we ruined the sheets again.

My thought was distracted when I saw the light of the studio went dark and I saw people walking out to the road, busily packed the photo-shoot stuff. I moved my body forward, checking on the road there, waiting for her. I have not yet seen her, but I kept my eyes opened to see her. And after the long waiting, I could finally spot her.

Walking with her flats, Jinah looked so simply stunning only with her jeans and loose grey shirt. I noticed she was talking with the photographer and some of the crew; he’s the one who took my pictures along with Jinah for a photo-shoot back then. I’ve been missing her, dying just to see her and not listening to the voice mail she left on her home phone. I was about to open the door when I noticed that she looked really comfortable with herself.
Jinah had less makeup than usual though, but still, she showed her beautiful smile, the smile she always showed whenever she’s around. It seemed that she’s happy, that she’s okay. Was she really that okay? If I compared our condition, she looked way better than me. I was already becoming a mute, I rarely talked with people and I just remained idle and flat whenever people looked at me. Even I got mad to Chen so many times for unimportant reason: I was just not in the mood. While Jinah... She still looked fine, she was still smiling like she used to and she’s really enjoying her work, I guess. There’s no hint of tiredness on her facial expression.

And suddenly, it hit me that she’s actually okay with our separation. I was still looking at her when she talked with her manager and nodded in excitement as well as Minkyung. I noticed that Minkyung was looking around, probably got informed by Jongin that I would be waiting and wanted to meet Jinah. But unknowingly, I preferred to turn off the light of my car and stayed idle until she got into her van and left the studio. I was still waiting on the road until the studio left with no one but the janitor to clean it up.

I sighed but in the end I the car’s engine, getting ready to go back to our house. Because although it’s hurt to go back to our bedroom and smelled her scent that’s still lingering around the room, it was the thing that in the end could make me fell asleep no matter how hard I tried not to get used to her scent anymore.

My heart had been broken these past times, so I got used to the hurtful feeling I felt around my chest every time the thought of her coming to my mind. It was so uncomfortable to sleep with a broken heart; I couldn’t fell asleep right away. I started to wonder the life I used to have with her, imagined that she’s still in here, and in then, I created the ‘what if’ thought that I knew wouldn’t change anything. My heart still felt hurt, no matter how hard I tried to ignore it.

This time must have been the worst one. 

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“......AND CUT! We’re done everyone!” the photographer said as he put away his camera and looked around when people in the studio clapped at him and Jinah unnie, who’s standing in the middle of the set. She looked so pretty wearing a short white fit body dress that hugged her perfect S-shape body covered with a long outer that reached the floor. The dark eye makeup made her looked fierce, but once Jinah unnie smiled, everyone started to fall for her. That’s her charm, her smile.

I quickly walked to Jinah unnie, helping her with the wardrobe while Hyojin unnie came to the photographer, thanking him for taking gorgeous shot of Jinah unnie. It’s always like that, me the assistant, walked to Jinah unnie while the manager handled the partner. But I love it so far, I like to work with Jinah unnie and I like to accompany her, especially for the time being.

“Thank you, Minkyung” she said as she smiled to me when I helped her to walk. The heels were incredible high today, I helped her to walk to the nearest couch before took off the shoes and put it back to the box. Jinah unnie then took the sandals along with her to the changing room, coming back with her wearing a jeans and loose grey shirt. She looks comfortable wearing the dark coat; it’s started to get windy recently.

When we’re done, Jinah unnie as usual nodded to everyone at the studio and said her gratitude towards the crew. Everyone smiled back at her and even the photographer along with one of the staff accompanied us to the car that already waiting in front of the studio. I checked on my phone, reread the message from Jongin oppa who told me that Kris oppa would be waiting outside the studio. I made sure that I’ve seen around before confirming that Kris oppa was not anywhere around the studio. Probably he changed his mind to see Jinah unnie.

For the last time, Jinah unnie nodded and smiled before she went inside the van and sighed a bit long as she got her back leaned to the seat.

“What is my schedule for tomorrow, Unnie?” she asked Hyojin unnie who sat next to her. I sat at the back of the van, put a note on what to do for tomorrow.

Hyojin unnie shook her head. “Nothing. I took days off for you. You’ve been working too often, Jinah. Take a rest”

“Unnie” she looked at Hyojin unnie who looked back at her. At a time like this, Hyojin unnie could look really scary. She basically just glared at Jinah unnie.

“You’re tiring yourself, keeping your day away from home and avoiding a silent weekend. You’ve been working for five days straight and no, I don’t want to risk your health, so no work for the next three days” Hyojin unnie firmly stated. I glanced at Jinah unnie, seemed like she wanted to say something but then she just bit her lower lips and not saying anything, looking outside the window.

I could only check on my phone and looked at the screen with an empty feeling. Jinah unnie announced about her divorce, a week ago, saying that before everything leaked to public she wanted to finish all of her work and contract, before terminating it as she’s getting divorced and planned to go for hiatus from the showbiz life. It was shocking for all of us, her marriage looked fine but we immediately knew that when Jinah unnie planned for a comeback, it was for a short distraction over her broken marriage.

When we arrived at her apartment, none of us was saying anything. Jinah unnie had been in a constant argue with Heechul oppa who wanted her to stop working while she wanted to get busy with the schedule. Hyojin unnie was actually agreed with Heechul oppa, to stop her from taking more offering. But Jinah unnie was unstoppable when she truly wanted something. In the end, Hyojin unnie stepped in and cut her crazy deadly schedule. I knew she has not properly sleeping the past days; but since she’s actually facing a divorce, I learned that her disturbed sleeping time must have been related with that.

“I want to sleep, Minkyung. You can do whatever you want. Good night” Jinah unnie said as smiled weakly, heading to her bedroom.
I just nodded and told her that I wanted to grab dinner outside the apartment. She didn’t say anything and walked inside, locking the door. I stood there, looking at the door. I always wanted her to be honest for once with me, about what she felt, about what bothering her heart until she decided to divorce with her husband. She loves him, I could see that; and more than anything else, Kris oppa loves her back. I couldn’t see what’s wrong with their marriage.

Jinah unnie was not herself recently. She kept looking around with blank expression, not interested to join in a talk or socialize with the other when she’s at work. But I knew that every night she would be in tears, crying over things I didn’t know. I was really curious; she’s like my real unnie, I didn’t want her to be sad like this. I’ve once thought that maybe I could talk to Kris oppa, asking him to beg for apology to her, maybe he’s making a big mistake that she couldn’t forgive, maybe by saying sorry everything would be okay. But I knew it wouldn’t be that easy.

I was sad for her, never thought that her beautiful marriage would ended like this. They didn’t even last for two years. They’ve just celebrated their first wedding anniversary and it’s almost six months after that and everything went really fast....

My though was interrupted as I heard a soft sob coming from Jinah’s unnie bedroom. Slowly, I walked to her room and the sobbing sound was getting louder. There, I just knew that Jinah unnie was crying, like she always did every single time the night approached. I sighed and placed my head on the wooden door. I really wished I could do something for her but I knew that when I knocked and told her to tell me what has been bothering her, she would telling me a lie that she’s alright.

For once, I really wanted to help Jinah unnie.

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I looked at my reflection in the mirror as I patted some powder to my face, finishing my makeup routine. I tried my best to cover the dark circle under my eyes, but putting the concealer there really wasn’t helping at all. In order to avoid looking pale, I wore my black pants along with a pink blouse and a white outer, pairing it with my oxford shoes. There’s a reason why colored my lips pink today, I really didn’t want to look depressed at all. Not in front of my parents.

Waiting on my living room, I gradually checked on my phone to see whether Kris already arrived or not. I already informed my parents about my decision to divorce from Kris and I told them that it’s final, not negotiable. My father, of course, was so angry and in the end called both of us to come to their house. Kris wanted to talk with me first before heading there and since I owed him explanation like I promised him, I waited for him in my place.

I felt a deep regret toward Kris. I left him without any warning and to see him kept calling and texting me just to meet me really broke my heart. I hurt the man that I love and I really crushed him to the bone. Once again, I’m fully aware that I was not being a selfish person here. I just wanted to save his future, although the way I did was kind of harsh and hurting him. But to stay with him while telling him the truth about my condition would be worse. I didn’t want to risk his bright future just for the sake of staying with me. I just knew that if he ever knew about the truth of my condition, he would fight for us. I’d be so thankful for him to do that, but who am I to ruin his perfect future?

I wondered how he was. I really hope he took the meals properly and that he consumed his vitamins that I already placed next to his bed as well on his office. He’s been busy preparing the launching of the resort; it’s time for him to take a rest. Maybe I should tell Chen to-

“Jinah” I looked away from my phone and found Kris Wu stood in my living room. I quickly stood up and flashed a smile towards him, looking at his tall figure. I appointed to the seat across me, letting him sit. It’s been a while since I saw him, so I felt kind of awkward when I have to be in the same room, just the two of us. If we’re not having this kind of situation, I’d be really happy to just hug him like I used to do whenever he’s arrived at home.

“Do you...want to drink?” I asked him, kind of hesitant.

“Am I a guest or something?” he bitterly replied then shook his head. “I just want to talk”

I bought some time by drinking on my tea, secretly glancing at him. He didn’t look at me but looked away around the room. I noticed how he went thinner than before. I noticed that his jaw was not as sharp as it used to and that his eyes weren’t bright like usual. He’s not shaving; I spotted some facial hair that probably left there untouched. And the baseball jersey that usually fit him was somehow looked off; it seemed like Kris wore something that’s bigger than his size. Was I the one who made him like this?

“I’m still waiting for your explanation” he said. “Tell me something I haven’t heard” he continued, glaring at me.

I looked at him back. I understood very well if he’s mad at me, but I couldn’t say anything else rather than telling him that I didn’t love him anymore. That should be enough to make him thought that I really wanted to end this relationship.

“What do you want to know, Kris?” I asked him calmly. I noticed he raised one of his eyebrows and looked baffled. He slowly shook his head.

“I don’t understand you” he said.

“Which part?” I skeptically asked him.

“Everything, Jinah!” he raised his voice and looked surprised, not aware that he’s half yelling at me. “I still couldn’t understand why... Why, Jinah? What’s wrong with us that you wanted to stop this marriage? We’re happy together, right?”

“I had a very good time with you, to be honest” I nodded, confirming his statement.

“Then why?” he emphasized the word why, staring at me in confused. I took a time to control my breathing before giving the answer to him. This should be done as quick as possible.

“The first time I realized that I wanted to be with you, it came in a flash. Don’t you feel it too, Kris?”

He stayed silent, waiting for me to continue. “I didn’t know what to do with the feeling I have for you, I didn’t know whether I should continue to like you or forget it because it felt so weird for me to suddenly want you, to just stay with you. And it felt good when you’re actually feeling the same with me, Kris. It did” I said, looking at his expression. He remained stoic as he listened to me.

“If it was that great, then would you want to end this marriage? My feeling for you is still the same, Jinah” he softened his tone. I looked at him; I could feel the sincerity of his words.

“Hmm, I know. I was the one who didn’t feel the same anymore, Kris. And I don’t want to spend my life with someone I don’t love”

Again, he gave me this strange look. For some reason, I translated it into a broken feeling.

“Love was not supposed to be something that felt shortly, Jinah” he argued.

“Exactly. And that’s when I realized that actually... I wasn’t in love with you, Kris. It was just a sudden feeling. I was pregnant that time; I was in the moment when my hormone was playing around. I needed attention; I wanted people to care for me. I think I mistaken the attention you gave me, assumed it that it was love between us. And about the we’ve had during my pregnancy, I could tell that it’s all about my need that’s affected by the changed in my hormones so-“

“Are you going to blame everything to the hormones?” he cut me short. I could see his painful expression. I really didn’t want to see him like that but really... I didn’t what else to say.

“Can’t you accept that I just didn’t want to stay with you anymore, Kris? We’re never in love in the first place. We lust each other the first time we met and-“

“And I fell for you during those periods, Jinah. I love you, I really do. And I know that you feel it too!”

If previously I felt like a for just leaving him with a divorce notification, now I felt like trash for ruining a perfect man like him in my hand.

“Kris Wu, I don’t love you. I admitted I was swayed by you, but now that I think of it... It wasn’t love. And I don’t think I want to continue to live with you under the marriage umbrella when I don’t feel like it” I managed to say it finally, right to the point and I swore I really hated myself.

Kris softly blinked his eyes and looked down, nodding his head several times like he understood something.

“So everything, everything that happened the past one and a half year was just something random? That you’re mistakenly thought that you’re in love with me but you don’t” he whispered.

“It was a mistake, Kris” I told him. I tried my best not to look like wanting to cry but it was really hard to lie right in front of the man that I love that I totally not in love with him.

“Can’t you say something else so I could believe that you’re really not in love with me?” he said weakly.

“Don’t do this, Kris. Please” I responded, shaking my head as I saw him. I knew I’ve just hit the right target. Judging from his expression, Kris was already 80% sure that I didn’t want him. Kris suddenly stood up and then kneeled on the ground as he came to me, softly touching my knees.

“Kris, what are you doing?!” I said harshly, trying to stand up but he already caught me that I couldn’t move anywhere.

“Look at me” he said flatly, demanding me to look at him as he cupped my face and tried his best to make me look directly into his eyes. Kris was using force, it really wasn’t like him. 
The Kris Wu that I know wouldn’t even let something hurt me, but currently, with his hand forcing me to look at him; he’s hurting my jaw that unknowingly I let out tears at the corner of my eyes. It’s really hurt, the way he forced me to look at him.

“Tell me, Jinah. Tell me that you don’t love me, that there’s nothing at all between us” he said, keeping still.

I closed my eyes, softly sobbing because my jaw was really hurt with the way he’s touching it. But I knew that I have to do this if I wanted everything to work in my way. I opened my eyes and I was faced with his glare. I felt so sorry towards him, but again, it’s for his own sake so for that reason, I have to be strong. I should not give up just because I couldn’t see his face in pain.

“I don’t love you, Kris. I don’t. And it’s true, there’s nothing between us” I said as I looked at him and as much as the words surprised me as well, Kris stopped giving pressure to my jaw and simply just touching it, as he blinked several times, trying to digest what I said to him. Slowly, he released his fingers from my jaw and just looking at the ground.

“Do you really want to leave me that bad?” he said, still looking down.

“It’s not about me leaving you or anything Kris”

“You don’t love me, so you want to leave me right after you make me fall in love with you” he looked up and stared at me with his intense glare.

“It was a mistake”

“Is it that easy for you to think that you love someone then took away what you felt?” he asked in annoyance. I gulped as I saw him side eyeing me, but I’m still on my stand. I would do whatever it takes to make him happy. I stood up and stepped away from him.

“Remember that before you’re come into my life, I used to be in love with Woobin oppa. I ditched my feeling for him when I thought that I love you. It’s just the matter of time Kris before I finally did the same to you” I shrugged loosely as I said that to him.

“So now I’m in Kim Woobin position. Oh wow” he cynically said.

“I’ve told you Kris from the beginning. There’s nothing forever in this world”

I was so sure that he wouldn’t think of keeping this marriage forever. I’ve said anything I could to crush him, to make him stop wanting me. That even though it hurt me and him, it would be for his sake. I would be more than happy to know that I’ve once sacrifice my love for him so he could secure his position. He would find another woman, he would have another baby boy, and he would still have everything his father left for him. Case closed.

But I never knew that later on, when I received a statement from the court that I, Im Jinah, was no longer the wife of Kris Wu, it would feel so hurt that I thought dying must have been better than knowing that he’s no longer mine and that someone would take him away from me.

They said that if you love someone, you would let them go if it made them happier. That if you love someone that person does not have to be with you to feel happy. That if the person you love found someone else to make him happy you should be happy for him. I thought I was doing the right thing for Kris by letting him go for his own good.

But the truth was I didn’t feel happy at all. 

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Hey Guys.

I’m so sorry I haven’t been able to update this story as soon as I expected. Things happened; as I moved to my new company, I still have to adjust with the new environment and for that reason; I worked more on learning background and forgot the writing world for a while. I have a moment when I suddenly thinking of a plot or a scene or what to say, but really, I rarely have the time to write it fully. I didn’t mean to whine, I have an enjoyable life, I’m telling you. But thing was, 24/7 was somehow not enough.

I’m being serious towards my work, and I have a high hope as well for my writing hobby. I was working on something regarding this hobby that hopefully could end up with something great. I have side projects to do also, still not far from the internet and writing world of course. And I have this hobby of reading and watching Korean drama that I thought, 24 hours every day was not enough. Plus, in the weekend, I need to spend time with my beloved family and friends, things I rarely could do on the weekday. In the end, I really have to tighten my schedule and tried to squeeze everything so it would fit my week.

I love writing and I love every single fan fiction I have here, seriously. I would never forget them, but as for my life priorities, they fell a little bit lower for now. I still tried my best to write at least one or two paragraphs per day, but if you ever experienced writing, every day is not a writing day, there’s always a day when you don’t feel like writing but then bam, another day appeared and all you want to do is writing. Sorry, I’ve been ranting around here.

It was nice to see a lot of comment and messages left by you guys. Thank you, I don’t know how many times I should tell you this but really, you guys are the motivators for me to update this story. Perfect Timing, my baby, is really grateful to have readers like you all. It’s far from perfect but you guys still supporting it, I appreciated it a lot. Although I broke your heart several times for making the chapter feeling so blue, you still stick with me. All I could tell is that...be patient guys, it won’t be long :)

I’m not sure whether I’m going to do double update or not, because the next chapter is still being written. But if there’s a magical moment when I could finish writing and editing in such a short time then it’s your luck to enjoy the following chapter. But please understand that I didn’t want to just update my story just because you guys want to read it or because I’m dying to get a comment. No, I want to update it with the right feel so you can understand what I wanted to say about the chapter.

Ok, this chapter telling more about the feeling of Kris and Jinah and a bit of Minkyung here. You see that actually Jinah was not eager at all to leave Kris but then it happened and in the end, she regretted it. I really hope that you wouldn’t hate me for updating it this way. As I said earlier, hang on little longer guys...

See you very soon with another update. Keep supporting me and this story. I love you guys!
Oh and special thanks for @nieyaozil who sent me a package of Kris’ notebooks. Thank you! I read your letter and oh... I felt touched. Thank you for sending me the gift. You inspired me to write a better plot for Kris and Nana.

xoxo, 

yuriyaa