"Feeling"

 

 

I enjoyed the morning view of Seoul road that had just started. People were walking on the street, cars passing from one road to another, kids going to school as they chatters, maybe updating the latest gossip in the school about their crush. I smiled to myself; I rarely see this kind of view but how I suddenly love watching the morning activity likes this still amazed me. My parents never made it to make me a morning person, they tried so hard of course; but this man next to me, managed to drag me into his early morning life style.

I never favored waking up early in the morning. I would either groan when my mom wakes me up in the morning before school or basically throw tantrum here and there, making my dad scolding me. Still, I never like waking up in the morning. But living with Kris changed it all, well, after we started to be open about our feeling and since I moved to his bed. The first few days sleeping in the same bed with him, he always managed to wake me up so early in the morning just to make me walk a lap around our house. He woke me up and he made me doing sport, he totally did huge mistakes to the point I threw pillow towards him whenever he tried to wake me up. My baby and I need more sleep, but bless Kris and his healthy life style. A walk in the morning is at least the exercise I need to take in order to prepare the delivery.

I used to be so cranky every time he started to kiss my cheek and rubbed on my stomach, trying to make me leaving the bed and start the morning walk, insisting that the more I move my body the easier it would be for the delivery. Have I mentioned that he favored my pregnancy yoga class a lot? He always asked questions in the class and wouldn’t hesitate to practice whatever we had that day at home (and he even bought the DVD for self-practice, it’s either he cared for me so much or he’s just being paranoid). He’s really serious about helping me to get through the pregnancy.

Day by day, now having my pregnancy on the 32th week, I started to get used to his presence and his wake up call. And the lazy Im Jinah now started to be a morning Jinah who loves her morning activities along with her husband; because to be honest, having Kris next to me while listening to his sweet noting in my ears made it hard to leave the bed but once he took me bridal style and placed me on the ground, I would start my morning strike. But again, he encouraged me a lot and even spent few hours every day to help me doing the stretch, because I kept having a sleeping problem.

We bought so many things; comfortable pillow to support me sleeping and even a rocking chair, just to help me to sleep. Some days I could fall asleep without me realizing, but there’re nights when I kept feeling cranky and refused to sleep, making him confused. Or like several days ago when I didn’t know why I couldn’t sleep and when he cupped my face, softly my skin and asked what’s wrong with me, I have no idea that I just cried and cried and Kris, being the mature one here, held me close to him and rubbed my back, letting me cried until I sobbed and suddenly, feeling better. My mood swing was really crazy and I really afraid that I would hurt him, because I realized that sometimes I spoke a little harsh to Kris, while I didn’t mean it! But again, he was really being understanding that I often said my gratitude to God for sending me such an adorable man.

My attention reverted back to Kris when I felt him softly rubbed my palm, he’s looking at his iPad screen with a serious expression, work I bet. I grasped his palm and his skin as well, telling him that I paid attention to him. Ever since we’re getting together, Kris refused to separate the car. He always wanted to take me here and there, he would spend his time in the office efficiently, in order to be able to pick me up from the agency or events I attended or simply, just to reach home earlier so he could spend the night longer with me. Thing was, I do wanted to linger longer with him. We grew the tendency of being clingy towards each other, but nonetheless, I love the idea of it.

It’s been nice to spend time with Kris. We didn’t always being touchy towards each other; it’s more like we started to get to know each other. I learned that he’s a simple person who’s not picky about the food he ate but he would avoid fish, he would choose the clothes that caught his attention once he got inside the walking closet, and he’s a light sleeper. We’re also talked about his relationship with his mom, which I found quite interesting.

He never hates her, she’s the only person who would fight for him, and he respected her a lot even though sometimes an argumentation couldn’t be avoided between them, especially if it’s related with the work. They’ve been working professionally but whenever they’re at home, Kris most likely spent his time with his mother although when he’s still living in Canada he’s left all alone at the foreign country. For Kris, he felt that his mother was paying all the time missing when they’re not together during his teenage period. But again, as I learned about this man, he never hates her. He loves her, I knew it for sure. And although his mom sometimes appeared intimidating to me, Helen Wu was indeed a very lovely lady. I learned more about her the past months and personally, I love her characters (when she’s not belittle me or casually speaking so cold towards me).

“Are you sure you don’t want me to join your yoga class?” Kris asked me when we’re almost arrived at the hospital. I registered myself to do pregnancy yoga and it required the father to join as well, but the class this morning was only for the mother but Kris, who’s never absent from the class, felt that he should join.

“It’s Tuesday, Kris. You have to work. Later on the weekend class?” I told him, smiling at my best. I never knew that I would love his possessive and protective side. I like him being so attentive to me; well they said that pregnant woman loves attention, so I thought it was normal to get his attention only for me.

“Take care” he said, softly rubbing my head. I snuggled to him and buried my face on his chest, the special spot that I love the most. I could hear his chuckle and I felt him softly kissed the top of my head, another of his favorite acts towards me (which I favored as well).

When we reached the hospital, Kris walked me to the yoga class at the maternity department. Sora promised to meet me there as she’s having a morning schedule for the whole week, she would be available to accompany me for the yoga class and lunch. It’s been a while since our bonding time, I miss her. As we arrived in front of the class, he bid his goodbye towards me and the baby, and of course, Sora didn’t miss it. She’s having such a big smirk when she saw Kris leaving.

“We’re going to have such a long conversation about this, Jinah”

 

 

“Stop smiling like that, Sora” I protested as I ate the fruits that’s packed by my maid. After having a big lunch, I decided to end it with fruits rather than the mouth-watering banana cake served at the restaurant near the hospital. It was our favorite hangout place during the time Sora was still taking her medical study.

“You two are so cute, really” she said, still smiling like a fool, playing with her plain croissant.

It’s been around 4 weeks since Kris and I being a couple and the day we’re back from Guangzhou, I couldn’t hide this fact from my very own best friend. Her reaction was superb though, she kept smiling and teasing me, asking me to tell her how was my husband on bed, now that I’m being a pair with Kris. She could be really insane sometimes; I wonder why I kept her as my best friend still.

“I still thought that it was a dream, that it was still the act that you two performed in front of the people. But to know that you two are now a real couple, I couldn’t hide my excitement Jinah! You deserved happiness and there’s none other than Kris that could make it happen…” Sora said, rubbing my hand softly.

“That’s too much” I commented as I rolled my eyes. Sora could sometimes act like a drama queen; I wondered how Yoochun oppa could be that patient to face her.

“I don’t care, but for me, you two are perfect for each other so stop thinking that he’s not that into you” Sora said, warning me.

I sighed and put my fork on the top of my salad plate. I’ve been having this kind of feeling lately, a doubt in my heart. I’m not really sure whether it’s true or not, but the past week, I’ve been thinking a negative thought in my mind about my relationship with Kris. We started as stranger, an acquaintance, a partner, and in the end, a couple. I’ve spent so many days with him, I’ve seen him the way I never saw him before, I knew quite a lot of small things of his habit, I started to learn and know more about this guy who’s happened to be the father of my baby. But there’s something missing here, the feeling.

“I know you’re worrying your feeling towards him and his towards you, Jinah. But your worry feeling is baseless. What made you think that he’s might not have the same feeling with you?”

“I like having him around me, but I’m afraid that it’s only me who has this feeling, Sora. We’re brought together by this baby; if there’s no baby, we wouldn’t even meet, right?”

Sora shook her head.

“Everything happened for reason, Jinah. And yours was the fact that you’re having his baby, and even though it started as something that you might called accidental, in the end, you two realized that you need each other. I don’t see why you have to worry anything. You’re legally married to him, you’re about to have your baby born soon, and you can continue raising your baby with him, together. Is there anything I didn’t know that make you think that there’d be anything wrong with those facts?” Sora looked at me, folding her arms with her lecturing style. As usual, she always managed to be the sane one in our friendship. With Sora, everything could be understandable.

“The last time I trusted my feeling, it betrayed me…” I said softly, looking down to the napkin on my hand.

I used to have a similar feeling like this when I was so sire with Woobin oppa. With him, everything was perfect, so perfect that I didn’t notice that from the very start we’re crossing the boundary that’s set already in his life. I forgot anything else, it’s like we’re in the seventh heaven when we’re together. But in the end, it’s me who’s falling on the ground and was unable to stand up.

“If it’s about you and Woobin oppa…” Sora sighed before she continued, “It’s unfortunate, I could tell. The obstacles were too much, his mother, his family. With Kris, you have your parents’ and his mother’s blessing. There’s nothing stopping you two, Dear. Listen…” Sora took my hand and rubbed it several times, making me looked at her.

“You two found your feeling in the middle of these series of accidental moment; the time you two first met, the moment you knew about your pregnancy, up to the fact that you two indeed wanted to be with each other. I knew you’re worrying several stuff, but I think this time you should give your intuition a second chance, Jinah. Follow what your hearts tells you…”

I was being a coward here. I knew what my hearts said, clearly. Every time I was with Kris, either for a morning breakfast or just talking during the trip on the car or when we’re enjoying the ice cream in front of the TV, I always felt happy; like there’s something about his presence that made me feeling so ecstatic and when he’s not around, I couldn’t wait to see him. The time passed waiting him coming back from the office usually was the hardest, although when he came home, I usually pretended that it’s not a big deal, that it’s normal when he’s home while inside, I felt so happy without me knowing. But that’s before he confessed to me about his feeling; once we’re together, I didn’t have to pretend that it’s fine to be away from him. There’re days when I told him not to leave the bed for the baby (for me, of course) and I could enjoy sniffing him while he’s hugging me on the bed. And it felt really good.

“You should stop worrying about your relationship with Kris. Your focus now is for the baby, deliver him well so the three of you could end up as a beautiful family and be happy forever, hmm?”

I smiled towards Sora as I rubbed my stomach softly. The restaurants played jazz music for the background and as I enjoyed my body while tapping the feet on the ground following the music, I felt Baby Bear kicked three times. He’s getting bigger and more active compared to the last time we checked him at the hospital. Today he’s calmly curled up spotted on his thumb but when he’s listened to the music, I could feel him moving inside and kicking, a sign of happiness I guess. And when I rubbed it several times while thinking of Kris, he kicked once again, as if he’s telling me that he’s happy to be in between us or maybe because he’s happy when I thought about his father. But whichever the reasons, I love him a lot and thankful that I have him to think about everything that happened now. And yeah, I really should not worry anything else but my baby.

Baby Bear was the best gift that God ever gave to me… and Kris, as well.

 

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“Smiling like a fool he is…”

I noticed how Kyungsoo playfully talked to me as he placed a plate of his special kimchi spaghetti in front of me. I looked away from my phone and chuckled, saying my thanks to him. Kyungsoo already moved to Jongin’s and Chen’s seat and gave them their share of the menu. As usual, Jongin was the first to break the silence of eating the food.

“Don’t blame him, it’s the cupid who’s working on his love arrow…” Jongin responded, grinning widely as he winked to me.  Chen saw it and the two of them did hi-five, laughing their off as they saw my annoyed expression. But it didn’t last long, I ended up smiling with them.

“He’s smiling again…” Chen said to Jongin and the three of them looked at me like it was so weird for me to smile.

“How many times did she kiss you this morning that you’re so bright like a new lamp?” Jongin commented, putting the spoon inside his mouth.

“Instead of her kissing him, I bet it’s him who couldn’t wait to kiss her and touch her” Chen said, making Kyungsoo gave him a look. As usual, his big eyes couldn’t hide his expression well.

“How does it feel now that you two sleeping together?” he asked calmly. Jongin and Chen couldn’t hide their laugh; they clapped and even hit the wooden table at the backyard of Kyungsoo’s restaurant. As always, Kyungsoo and his blunt questions. For that question, I need a rest also. I stopped eating and drank the water, feeling a little awkward for listening to his question.

How does it feel?

It’s been lingering in my mind for the past few weeks, upon my confession to her that I didn’t want to lose her. I said to her, I couldn’t function well without her, that I’m afraid to lose her and that I want to have a relationship with her. Surprisingly, the after effect felt so good that I was a bit regretting for confessing to her just now. I should have done it previous weeks before, even before when we unexpectedly had a very steamy make love session. But now that we’re together, it feels so marvelous I didn’t want to spend any day without her. For me, Im Jinah was the meaning of perfection. She completed me in the way I never thought she would be. How we started together was quiet different compared to other people in common, but it didn’t really matter. I’m happy with her and she felt the same, and now with Baby Bear on his way to meet us, there’s nothing else I could ask for. My life’s perfect with them.

“It feels good to have her around me” I said suddenly, making the three of them looking at me.

“Wow Hyung… Never know you’re this cheesy…” Jongin commented, happily smiling as he listened to my words. Chen and Kyungsoo only smiled, they didn’t say anything.

“I never thought I would say these words also…” I muttered, biting my own lips as I pressed my smile.

I wanted to smile, really, but I’m afraid these three dorks found me annoying for kept smiling like crazy. I bet I’ve been exercised the muscles around my mouth every time I smiled, thinking about Jinah. There’s something about her that whenever I started to imagine her doing, I would unknowingly smiled widely to myself. Chen had been the witness of the series of this secret smiling activity to the point he couldn’t do anything else but accepting that I’m in my honeymoon period of enjoying my relationship with Jinah.

The first time he knew that I was together with Jinah for real, he was blinking so fast, trying to digest my words. But in the end, he’s happy with my decision, telling me that instead of keep lying for the sake of our image in the public, having Jinah as my wife for real was for my own happiness and if I’m happy, he’d be happy as well. Never thought that my junior would say that words but I’m glad, I was having big support for my marriage life with her. And my mother, I could tell from her small smile, couldn’t be happier with this fact. She approved me and Jinah to go real, another unexpected good thing in our relationship.

But as I said earlier, with Jinah, everything seemed to be in place. She’s a good bed partner; we would talk about our day as we’re preparing to sleep, cuddling with my hands rubbing her stomach. I like watching her asleep with her lips parted a bit, sometimes having her hands on her stomach or simply had it locked with mine on the bed. I would just watched her, thinking on what if we’re never met that night, what if she’s not my wife, and so many what if… It’s so funny to remember the past moment when I was still couldn’t accept the fact that she’s pregnant with my baby, when we couldn’t stop being so cold towards each other when we saw each other, and I still remembered the time she asked me to forget that she’s exist. And I was so grateful that I never once agreed to whatever she offered. I’m glad that I followed my feeling, that as a man at least I should be responsible for making the baby appeared in her womb.

Although she’s not really good doing the house core (she burnt the toast, she’s bad at using dishwasher machine), I had a feeling that she’d be a good mother for our Baby Bear. She wouldn’t miss any single meals and how she’s cautiously care for the nutrition she’s consuming, I just knew that she valued her pregnancy a lot. And even though she hated me for waking her up so early in the morning for a walk at our backyard, I knew she started to enjoy this activity when we can walk hand in hand as we took Baby bear for a round of walk. And he appreciated it by giving us a kick or two when we talked with him. This kind of activities were never thought before in my mind, but as I’m on my way being a father, I imagined already a Wu’s day out with me and my baby along with my wife, Jinah. I really could smile widely by thinking of the two of them.

“I think this is the first time I saw you smiling this big, Hyung, aside from the fact that you smiled like this for occasional event like when you got your stock get high or anything business related…” Chen said as he drove me back to the hotel. We’re just back from a short lunch together along with Kyungsoo and Jongin. It’s been a while since we’re having lunch together with them, considering Jongin’s busy business trip outside the country to handle his father’s business in Japan and Kyungsoo’s trip to France for his new restaurant in the making. And as for me, I was busy with my work and my little family, I realized I’ve been spending more time with Jinah at home rather than going out with my friends.

“I don’t even realize that I was smiling, unless I saw my reflection on the mirror, having my lips stretched to the corner of it” I replied, chuckling.

“Are you happy, Hyung?”

I looked at him and patted him as I widely smiled. “You should really find a woman, Chen, and then you’ll be able to understand”

“You’re totally smitten by her…” he said, letting out a small laugh which made me laugh as well.

Hmmm… yeah, maybe I was so smitten by her.     

“I’m happy for you, I really wish you two would always be together along with your baby” Chen said, giving his genuine smile.

Talking about smile, I really loved her smile recently. The pregnancy glow made her looked so perfect and everything she does always managed to make me fell deeper and deeper on her.

Just like last night. She’s just back from her work, doing on interview regarding her pregnancy for a parenthood magazine. She’s walking inside with her knitted brown long dress and her favorite slipper with her hair made into low bun with some hair stray around her neck and forehead. She’s simply drank the water while eyeing a plate of sushi sent by Kyungsoo, and still standing, she started to eat it. There were two reasons why I came to her: one, I noticed that eating while standing was totally not good so I seated her on my lap while I sat on the chair that’s available in the kitchen and second, she just looked so pretty when she enjoyed her meals, I couldn’t resist the need to hug her from the back and kissed her neck while enjoying her crispy laugh sound. Really, I never imagined this kind of relationship with her but now that I have one, I felt so blessed to find her.

“Oh Hyung, stop smiling all by yourself. It’s so obvious that you’re in love!” Chen shook his head, glancing at me like I did the worst sin ever.

“I don’t even put effort on smiling, it’s just like my body and my mind synced pretty well. I always feel happy these days…” I answered, adding another bright smile.

“Whenever you’re smile big to the point your gum appeared, it must have been about something good. And I could tell that Jinah noona was something good you have recently”

I just gave him another smile; I really couldn’t stop smiling, just like what Chen said. And it was because the one and only Im Jinah. She’s somehow appeared as the light of my life. How beautiful.

“You better go home and give her something pretty, she seemed to be the best contributor of your good mood today even though we’re having a rough day at the office, Hyung” Chen said, smiling slyly.

Well, I’m so happy to spend a day with trouble at the office which made me amazed as well. All Jinah did today was calling me before lunch, telling that Baby Bear kicked her quite a lot today but as soon as she mentioned that she’s going to call me, Baby Bear stopped kicking. And the way she said that she just knew that this baby would only listen to me, she’s afraid that Baby Bear wouldn’t listen to her and would favor me as his father. It’s cute and I felt pretty good about it. I mean… I’m Kris Wu, the one who didn’t even think of marriage until my last girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn’t think about our future together, I was the one who favored work than family time, and I’m not into kids since they’re afraid with my stoic face expression. But everything changed, once again, since I met Jinah and our baby.    

I made a mental note to visit the florist on my way home. She’s into peonies lately; I think a bouquet of it would make her smile again. And that’s enough for me.

She rocked my world.   

 

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I washed my face with the water at the ladies restroom. I’ve been throwing up again for the third times today and this time, I felt a very hurt punch inside my stomach. I hate it a lot when I have so much work but I still have to throw up like this. I dried the water from my face and tried to redo my makeup,  I still have to go to my meeting and go to fit my dress for wedding photo-shoot and I also need to attend a dinner tonight with my parents and Woobin oppa’s parents. We’re finally going to talk about the wedding and I should be in a fit condition.

After a long delay about our marriage, mostly because Woobin oppa kept changing the date as he wished, his family came up with a proposal to my parents. We’re going to talk about the wedding and everything related with that and since he’s being attentive to me the past several weeks, I think it’s safe to say that in the end, he’s agreed to be with me. I know I sounded like a pathetic woman, but as long as he will to spend his life with me, I’m fine, even though he might never say that he loves me…

A knock on the door awakened me. My assistant informed me that Woobin oppa’s mother was arrived already to come along with me doing the dress fitting. I quickly did my makeup and met her. The look in her face was bright until she saw me.

“Su Ah, are you sick?” she asked me as she touched my forehead.

“No, Auntie. I’m fine…” I said to hear, smiling.

“See your eye-bag and your skin complexion… And your body… I thought I just didn’t meet you for two weeks and you looked thinner than before?” she asked as she checking on my body.

I was biting my lower lips, holding on the feeling of a bit dizzy and tired. I’ve been feeling like this the past week and I didn’t know if I could handle to hide it from everyone.

“You should check yourself to the doctor, okay? I don’t want my future in law looked sick. Imagine how are you going to take care of Woobin and your children if you’re pale like this, Su Ah…” she softly caressed my back and smiled warmly.

Auntie always favored me ever since I met her back in the elementary school. I’ve been told by her along with my parents that I am belong to the Kim, that one day when I’m mature enough, I’d be married to Woobin oppa and I’ve lived my life to be a part of the Kim. Never once Auntie got angry to me or scolded me, she always cared for me and paid a lot attention to myself. There’re days when she looked at me like she looked to her own daughter and despite the arranged marriage, I’ve always thought of her as my godmother for she always there when I got hurt by Woobin oppa. She always managed to calm me whenever he’s ignoring me, when he raising his voice as he talked to me; she cheered me up and made me stronger to face Woobin oppa day by day and it has been years before I finally could fulfil my dream goal: marrying Woobin oppa.

Auntie finally leaving after we’re having some tea and cake, she still needs to prepare tonight’s even so she left first, after reminded me to look perfect tonight. When I finally have my room on my own, I took out the envelope inside my bag and for the nth time, I opened it and reread the letter inside. It was my laboratory check result and I really didn’t expect the result of it.

I leaned my back to the soft couch, taking a deep breath as I saw the stamp written “negative” next to my result. I was once a bulimic, and I admitted I never stopped being one at least the last 4 months. It’s always been my habit ever since I started junior high school when I desired a perfect skinny body which I achieved in the end, but unknowingly giving me a very bad side effect. Life back than was really hard, all the girls in my school were skinny and pretty and as they had their eyes set on Woobin oppa as well, in order to be seen by them as someone who’s destined with him, I need to show them that Woobin oppa already had me, the perfect girl he could be proud of. I thought on so many ways to keep my body skinny; I didn’t eat rice and any dairy product, I consumed salad most of the time and working out as well, but then being a bulimic was somehow made me reached the body that I wanted.

I knew it was not healthy, my mom even called a therapist to help me stop being a bulimic. She’s scared I’m having a mental problem as well, since I kept getting afraid to eat. There’re several dramatic episodes of me refused to eat because I want to look good in front of Woobin oppa when he came back from his business trip in London, I refused to eat anything and be fit for my dress, but that day when he came home, he’s having Im Jinah on his hand and that’s clearly driving me crazy. My brother had to hold me just to make me stop torturing myself by keep hitting my cheeks. That’s one of the dark periods in my life. I need to cope up with myself as well as Woobin oppa; I’m so scared that I will lose him if I’m not good enough for him. That’s why I constantly having a battle in my mind, whether I should stop or continue being a bulimic. Because when I wanted to stop, I’m afraid I’m not meeting his expectation but if I want to continue, I’m scared if he knew about me being a bulimic. And every day in my life, I kept having this battle on and on.

But this habit ruined me in the end. I checked my health last week, since I kept feeling so exhausted and I was once hospitalized weeks ago for the same reason. I thought I was only about having my period, which I hadn’t had the past three months, because aside from feeling tired all the time I also felt a punch inside my stomach. The doctor suggested me to take a check in the laboratory and the result scared me. My body condition was totally far from fit, I’m having malnutrition and need to be treated properly and when I’m telling him that I have to be fit for my wedding, he told me the scariest thing I could ever think of.

I couldn’t bear a baby with my condition. The ovulation process that should happened in a woman body, stopped happening within me and that means, I couldn’t get pregnant. I remembered how I cried badly that night when I’m back from the hospital, feeling all blue and for sure, feeling sorry to Woobin oppa. How I’m going to face him, telling him that after we’re married, I wouldn’t have his baby? I would never get pregnant. And what’s the point marrying him if I can’t have a baby for him? What his parents would think of me if I can’t give grandchildren for them?

I covered my face with both of my palms and once again, took a very deep sigh. After thinking about it day by day, I decided to hide my condition from everyone and I’ll make sure that I take my daily dosage of certain vitamins and medicines, to keep me fit from my condition. And if I must to, I’d like to eat something and tried my best no to puke it out.

I need to get ready for the dinner. I really have to be healthy for this.

 

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When I reached the restaurant along with my parents, I saw Woobin oppa and his parents waiting already at the private room that’s prepared by his mother. As usual, we’re exchanging greet and have the dinner presented for us. I’m happily glanced at Woobin oppa who’s sitting across me, eating his steak in such a perfect manner. He looked handsome in his black suit and clean cut hair. I like it when he pulled back his short black hair, he’s always appeared like an aristocrat with that kind of hair style. Oh this man I’m falling in love with…

“Does Woobin looked that handsome, Su Ah?” his father suddenly talked to me, making everyone in the table looked at me, including Woobin oppa himself. We exchanged glance but I was too shy to see him, I smiled awkwardly while busily changed my attention to the ravioli in my plate.

“The way I see it, Su Ah really likes Woobin and that’s good, because it means that when they’re married later, she will take care of Woobin fully. I couldn’t be happier to have Su Ah as my daughter in law…” this time, his mother spoke. My parents smiled as well as they heard the words from his mother.

“Su Ah always pay attention to Woobin and be attentive towards him, although you’re sure that she’s going to be a good wife for Woobin in the future, she still needs your tutor to teach her to be a good wife, Mrs. Kim” my mother said, softly patted my shoulder.

Woobin oppa’s mother quickly shook her head as she smiled happily. “No, no. Su Ah is perfect already for Woobin. Years loving Woobin, she needs to learn nothing. She knew about him inside and out”

All the parents laughed about it and teased me along with Woobin oppa about our future marriage life. Ignoring the fact about my infertility issue, living together with Woobin oppa for life sounds fine and I think, he wouldn’t divorce me when he knew I couldn’t have a baby. I mean, we’re bounded by marriage and publicly known, so he wouldn’t dare to leave me just like that. He wouldn’t do that, I believe.

“Everyone, I need to say something”

I immediately looked at Woobin oppa. He’s been so calm during the whole dinner, but he suddenly spoke now. He cleared his throat before started to speak again.

“I know our agenda tonight is to talk about the wedding date and the preparation for it. I know also that our family had been having this promised to link the families in a wedding bond. I respect all of you here, Mr. and Mrs. Hwang, and also the two of you, Mom and Dad. But as you can see, Su Ah and me, we’re both an adult already and we could make the decision just within us. So without losing the respect to all of you, I would want to call off this engagement between me and Su Ah”

“Woobin!” his mother was the first to react to his words.

Our fathers went silent while my mom holding on my hand tightly, I could feel her shaking. I blinked my eyes several times trying to digest the words he’s been saying. He said he wanted to make the decision within us, yet he decided to call off this engagement all by himself. Never once he really paid attention to me.

“Woobin, what are you talking about? Your parents came to our house, talking about the future plan of your wedding and my daughter. And now you’re telling all of us that you wanted to call it off?!” my father said in such an angry tone. I didn’t dare to see my father; I just looked at the napkin on my lap.

“Yes, Mr. Hwang. I knew that my parents already came to propose Su Ah. But if I want to be with the woman that I wanted to marry, it’d be myself who came personally to her parents to ask for their permission to marry their daughter. And since I-“

“Are you saying that you don’t want to marry my daughter? I knew long before that you have a girlfriend before Su Ah and that you really love her to the extent you broke my girl’s heart. But I thought you’re done with that bull and want to be serious with Su Ah. And now you want me to just let you off with this wedding cancellation?! Do you understand the consequences of your action, Woobin?!”

“Mr. Hwang” Uncle Kim started to speak, motioning a calm hand sign. “Please calm down first”

“Your son really has the nerve to play around with my family. I can’t let this one off. He’s not just playing with my daughter but also, the dignity of my family. Now if you want me to calm down, you can forget everything. I’m going to bring this issue to the court; we’re so going to end all of our agreement. Once your son cancels this wedding, there’s no more Kim and Hwang alliance and no more funding to your company!” my dad yelled as he hit the wooden table, causing my mother to flinch as she grabbed my hand tighter.

I could sense how angry Auntie Kim was, she kept glaring at Woobin oppa. Woobin oppa himself just calmly tidied his tie and cleared his throat again. I really didn’t know what to or what to react. It’s like the past repeated again, he kept hanging our relationship and right when I thought that I’d be finally end up with him, he cancelled the wedding.

“I really hope you’re being professional here, Mr. Hwang. Work for work, marriage is another thing. And if you think you could buy me with the investment you promised to our family company, you’re wrong. You can stop the funding, it wouldn’t affect our company” Woobin oppa spoke confidently.

“Oh, now that you’re done with my company, taking every cent possible to support your company’s project, you wanted to end the agreement, right? I should have noticed this earlier. There’s no way a snob boy like you would want to be serious with my precious daughter”

“Mr. Hwang, please. It was a misunderstanding. It wasn’t like that, it-“

“It was like that, Mr. Hwang” Woobin oppa cut his mother’s words. “I want to cancel the wedding and if you think that it would affect our working agreement, you’re more than free to just end the agreement once the wedding cancelled” he said in such a confident gesture.

“Mrs. Kim, I don’t think I want to give my precious daughter to your son. If what he possibly do was only hurting her while taking our company’s money, no, I’m not selling Su Ah as well” my mother suddenly jumped in and with that, my mom stood up and took my hand.

“Get up, we’re leaving” she said coldly. Auntie Kim quickly got up as well and walked towards my directions. Woobin oppa’s father also tried to talk with my father, but out of everyone in this room, I really hate Woobin oppa. For someone that I spent years with, I think I’ve been fooled by my love for him. He did nothing; he didn’t move an inch just to try to explain everything to me, at least.

“Oppa, I need to talk with you” I said suddenly, making everyone stopped talking. He lifted his head and looked at me, seconds after thinking, he stood up and nodded.

“There’s nothing to be talked, Su Ah” my mom said, I noticed how angry she was but I shook my head, insisted to do the things I really need to do.

“I need to talk with him, Mom. Please” I pleaded, softly freed my hand from hers.

I walked first, followed by Woobin oppa, leaving our parents in the private room. I recalled this restaurant had a park at the back of it; I led him to follow me there. Once we arrived there, the first thing I did was turning my back and slaps him hard on his cheek. Again, Woobin oppa did nothing but caressed the cheek that I’ve been hit. I noticed there was a dot of blood at the corner of his lips, but I really don’t care. He’s bleeding physically, while me, I got my heart and mind bleeding inside. And it hurts so badly.

“Aren’t you going to say anything? Aren’t you going to say sorry to me?” I asked him, I really have no mercy to him today.

It’s like out of everything that happened today, out of the fact that I was sick, that I couldn’t have a baby; he came with the news of canceling our engagement. It was like a dooms day for me and I couldn’t hold on the feeling of being so angry towards him.

“Are you keeping silent because you’re feeling guilty or you don’t think that it’s wrong thing at all?”

He sighed, closing his eyes for second before he looked at me. Woobin oppa stared at me in a very loving way. I love it when he looked at me like that, like I am matter, like I’m important for him. But whenever he gave me that look, something unfavorable always followed.

“I know it’s hard, but you should be thankful that you’re not marrying me. It’d be the worst marriage ever, Su Ah. Our life wouldn’t be the same anymore. I could be hate you more, you will be forever feeling ignored by me. I couldn’t say sorry to you, you’ve just saved your life from a future torture. I care for you, you’re one of the longest friends I’ve had in my life; I don’t want to ruin you, to ruin us. So this is the best way we could take for each other” he said softly. He didn’t use his emotional expression; he’s being calm this time. And even though I didn’t want to admit it, I knew this would be the last time we’re talking like this.

“Do you think it’s good for me? Who the hell are you telling me the way I should life? You’re not the Woobin oppa I know”

He shook his head quickly, denying my words.

“It’d be the best way”

“Why? Is it because you’re still longing for Im Jinah? Even though she’s now pregnant and married, you still desire her?”

“She has nothing to do with this”

“Always be on her side forever, whether she’s right or wrong, you’d be always on her side” I muttered.

“Before everything’s too late, Su Ah, I think I need to save whatever I can. I couldn’t get myself trapped inside the marriage that I know clearly wouldn’t make us happy…”

“Maybe for you, I’m the one. But for me, you’re not. And if we’re ever have a fate together; I’m sure we’re going to meet each other again. But not now, not through this marriage, Su Ah.  So I want you to understand th-“

“I love you, Oppa. I always love you. From the very first time I know you, the day when I realized that you’re my first love and always be up until now, I love you. I’ve spent so many years loving you with all of my heart, longing you, although you’re not giving your attention to me. I enjoyed loving you, pampering you with all of the things to show you how much I care for you...” I started as I looked at his side profile.

“I’ve sacrificed so many things for you; you’re the purpose of my life. Have you ever thought that I always be on your side? No matter how far I am, no matter how late it was, I would always make my way to you. I’d go cross the bridge for you, if you’re calling me saying that you’re waiting across of it. If you’re asking me to do anything, I would do it, Oppa. I would do it for you. If I have to stay late and wait for you, I’ll wait, because I know you’re going to be there. I dreamed a world when we’re going to be together forever. So don’t say that you’re doing a good thing by cancelling this engagement. I’m happy the way it is right now. I don’t care if I should live my life for you, Oppa. I really don’t care. I just want you…“as I said my last sentence, I didn’t know why but I felt like crying so I cried, I poured my heart out and just cried as hard as I want.

I never realized that I’ve been living my life like this. He’s really the purpose of my life. I’ve always be the smart student, for him. I went to the best university for shoes study, because he wanted his girl to pursue the things she really wants. That time, aside of Woobin oppa, I also had interest in shoes. And even though I have to be away from him to study in Italy, I took it because I knew, he’d be proud of me. But now I realized that it’s all my imagination. I have blurred the fiction I created in my life with the reality, and I started to doubt which one is real. I felt so broken…  

“So stop living your life for me, Su Ah. Live your life, for yourself” and he took me to his embrace and hugged me tightly.

Woobin oppa finally hugged me, with all of his heart, it’s by his own will and not because he had to treat me good. I could feel his warmth and that’s enough to calm me down while I’m sobbing. It’s so hard to accept that this very good man is not mine to keep.

“I can’t live without you, Oppa” I muttered, hugged him tighter.

“You can, I’m sure you can do it. You don’t need me…”

“Oppa…”

He pulled back and grabbed both of my upper arms and looked at me in the eyes.

“I appreciated what you’ve been done to me. I didn’t know you’re so into me. But Su Ah, that’s not love. That’s obsession and that’s not healthy…”

“I am the one who always stay by your side, Oppa…” I said weakly, trying to hold on him but he took a step back.

“Su Ah, please understand. I always thought of you as my childhood younger sister, nothing more than that. Please stop waiting for me, I’m not worth your time” he said helplessly. He rarely spoke to me in a low tune voice, it’d be either harsh or annoyed, so to have him spoke softly to me really made me wanted to cry more.

I always waited for a moment like this to come. That someday he would just have his attention to me, like he did to Im Jinah. I envied her so much, for having Woobin oppa on her side, pampering her, loving her. I want to be the one that’s being loved by him. It’s me who’s destined for him.

“You can’t do this to me, Oppa… You can’t” I shook my head quickly. If he wanted me to beg, I’ll beg so he would stay with me.

There’s a cold silent between us and then I felt him moved back, putting a space in the middle of me and him. I looked at him, he sighed and closed his eyes for seconds. I was angry to him, but strangely, I still wanted to be attached to him.

“Goodbye, Su Ah”

I never felt so empty like this before. Suddenly I couldn’t breathe properly and everything felt so blurry. I clutched my hands to my chest; it’s really hurt there as I saw Woobin oppa walked back to the restaurant inside. I noticed he didn’t even once looking back at me. He’s leaving me.

I’m broken.

 

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I’m so sorry for the late update. I’ve planned everything up to Chapter 32, but I didn’t have time yet to properly write and update the story. I’m really sorry… Hopefully I could have more time to write whenever I get the inspiration.

This is another bridge chapter. I want to give the view of Kris and Jinah relationship development. It must have been felt a bit weird to confess to each other while they’re already in husband and wife status. I will explore more about Jinah’s worry regarding their developed feeling, she’s scared that he’s not really fall for her. And as for Su Ah, the poor girl had her heart crushed in this chapter. Please understand her possessiveness as her form of love towards Woobin. There’re always several girls who has this kind of love, I just want to capture it.

Hope the next update is asap omg. I really in the mood for this story, especially with the amount of Nana’s pictures and shows (she’s literally everywhere!) and Kris’ movie pictures update! Oh I’m so excited to write the future chapters J

Have a nice day and those of you who’s doing fasting, happy fasting!

Xoxo

yuriyaa

 

disclaimer: picture is not mine