We got married… gay edition??? - KimRiru (Reviewer: teetelicious)
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Author: KimRiru
Title [8/10]:
The title did catch part of my attention. I personally think the “gay edition” part is really bold. If you like boldness, leave it like that.
The “???” really bothers me. I honestly think titles that end with question marks are super cliché. The ellipses are somewhat cliché also. I mean after all it’s a TV show; I don’t think TV shows would use question marks or ellipses for their name.
Please capitalize the first letter of important words of your story, especially if it’s a show name. So, make sure to capitalize all your words because they’re all important.
Description/Foreword [4/5]:
Awesome description and foreword! The description summarizes the story nicely and it leads into the foreword smoothly. Your foreword is a big win. I killed some brain cells from wondering too much. Good job!
“He want to make a special edition.” Everything is in past tense, so make “want” “wanted”. Also change “happens”, “starts”, and “is”.
“… Leeteuk whispered as he saw the video, ‘how the hell did…?’” Please capitalize “how” because his speech is a complete sentence. Also fix “the” and “what” later on in the foreword.
“… Ryeowook cutted him off…” The word “cut” is irregular; it can be both present and past tense. You don’t need the “-ed”.
“‘what the hell shall we do now?’” “Shall” doesn’t seem like the right word here. It seems too determined for this unsure question. If you use “should”, then the sentence would have more of a troubled tone to it.
Originality [14/15]:
The idea of WGM is a cliché, but the part isn’t. But I have to say the twist was amazing… loving it.
Characters [8/10]:
Your characters are very well defined. I especially like Leeteuk. Donghae and Eunhyuk are adorable together! I feel like you shifted the characters a little. By that, I mean you seem to not focus on the main couple, but talking too much about side characters. I know that Super Junior is falling soon, so you put their feelings in, but it’s a little too much.
Plot/Writing [16/20]:
There’s a lot of long sentences that should be broken down into two sentences (I talked about some in the grammar section). If there are two different contexts going on, please put it as two different sentences.
Some of your sentences have way too many commas, and some of them are missing quite a few. Like I said, replace some commas with periods or semicolon instead (remember that both parts have to be complete sentences!). You tend to miss commas when a character is talking to someone directly in their speech. Check that part out in the grammar section.
Also, your author notes in chapter six ruin my mood a little. Avoid adding random notes in the middle of your writing. Try putting them at the beginning or ending of the chapter instead.
Grammar [12/25]
Your quotations really bother me. I don’t know if there’s anything wrong with the program, but all your starting quotation marks are backwards. Maybe you can figure out what’s wrong and fix it. Also, always capitalize the first word of a quotation, even after a comma. Always.
To know where to put commas in sentences, try reading it out loud! If you need a pause in your speech, put a comma there. If there’s no pause, remove unnecessary commas.
If a character is talking, and he/she’s indicating to the person he talks to, add a comma to the name. That means the talker is getting a person’s attention by mentioning their name. The name has nothing to do with the context he/she is talking about. Look below and example two, without the comma before “Donghae”, the sentence indicates that “Donghae” is a song/performance.
Examples: “Donghae, let’s go on stage and perform.”
“Let’s go on stage and perform, Donghae.”
“Let’s go on stage, Donghae, and perform.”
Always put a period/semicolon in long sentences if they talk about two contexts similar/relating to each other.
Please note that I will most likely mention the problem once, even if it appears more than once, due to the limited space. You have to apply my opinions to your fanfic based on your knowledge.
Chapter 1:
“Donghae was more exhausted than ever before, Super Junior just finished their A-Cha promotions, and it had been a hard time…” The first part of your sentence before the first comma is a complete sentence. So replace that comma with a period. “It” is singular, you must match the verb with it; change “had” to “has”.
“… Get you in here…” Add “r” to “you” in order to make the word possessive.
“Donghae ran into the livingroom, still wearing his pajama, ‘take it easy hyung!…” Firstly, “livingroom” is actually two different words, “living room”. Secondly, “pajama” is always plural; it’s one of those words where everything is in pairs (scissors, shoes, etc.). Thirdly, always capitalize the starting of a quotation.
“… he didn’t liked it that much actually.” Since “didn’t” is already conjugated to take up the past tense of the sentence, leave “liked” in its infinitive form, “like”.
“… who actually didn’t even know eachother should act like they were married…” First, separate “eachother” with a space in between because it’s two words. Second, “should” is used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness in someone’s action; the correct word to fit the mood of the sentence is “would”. I don’t know how to explain it, but look up modal/auxiliary verbs.
“Eunhyuk spit out his porridge…” You’ve been using past tense up until now; switch “spit” to “spat”.
“Donghae froze at the spot.” This sentence is just one of the common sayings in English. I don’t have or know the reason why, but everyone has been saying it as “froze on the spot”.
“And the korean music industry…” “Korean” is a pronoun; therefore you must always capitalize it.
“Eunhyuk was not in the know about anything.” I don’t really get what you mean here. The context is quite confusing.
Chapter 2:
“… noone else.” Please separate the word into its correct spelling, “no one”.
“Yesung leaved the room…” “To leave” is an irregular verb; its past tense is “left”.
“Eunhyuk throw his pillow at Donghae.” Please make “throw” past tense by changing it to “threw”.
“’and you’re younger than me, in relationships, the female is normally the youngest.’” Replace the first comma with a period since the second part of the sentence has nothing to do with the first in terms of context.
“… but still he wasn’t quite sure himself, two months together with Eunhyuk=Awesome. Two months where everyone could see him together with Eunhyuk=Not so awesome.” Replace both equal signs either with the word “is” or “equals”. Then, make “awesome” and “not” lowercase.
“… you don’t want to be airanged…” I think you meant “arranged”.
“’Donghae you are going to drive to the dorm where you and Eunhyuk’s going to live…” Put a comma after “Donghae” because the director is indicating who he’s talking to. Second, since there are two people living in the dorm (Donghae and Eunhyuk), you must change “Eunhyuk’s” to “Eunhyuk are”.
Chapter 3:
“Donghae sighed relieved when the van finally stopped in front of the dorm…” Put a comma after “sighed” since you can’t have two conjugated verbs together.
“’We’ll by one later!’ Donghae could feel a siver through his body…” Fix “by” into “buy”, and “siver” into “shiver”.
“… you’re maing food…” This is another careless typo; fix “maing” to “making”.
“’I always loved closets.” This sentence is awkward to me, and really doesn’t make much sense. Change “I” to “I’ve”.
“… but the closet and me…” Always put “I” if you’re listing something before yourself.
“Eunhyu knew it was a joke…” You seem to have a bunch of careless errors. Remember to double check before posting!
“Eunhyuk sighed as he layed down… he was looking foward…” The past tense of the word “to lie” is “laid”. Also add an “r” between “o” and “w” in “foward”.
“… a lot of kpop fans too!” Capitalize the “k” since it stands for Korean, a pronoun.
“… foreign girl og boy… don’t like the kpop and generally korean culture…” First, change “og” to “or”. Second, remove the word “the” because it’s not necessary when the word following it is a pronoun. Third, capitalize both “kpop” and “korean”.
“Eunhyuk said and hitted Donghae’s …” “To hit” is another one of those irregular verbs. It does not need to be conjugated in its past tense. Just leave it as “hit”.
“Donghae said and layed his arm…” Just like the verb “to lie”, the past tense of “to lay” is also “laid”.
“’Hae your fishy face is read…” “Read”, the past tense of “to read”, sounds exactly like the color “red”. So fix this sentence and the sentence below it too.
Chapter 5:
“Eunhyuk complaind and hided under his sheets…” Fix “complaind” to “complained”, and “hided” to “hid”.
“’You guys are famous, so of course there will, but we haven’t told anyone except for you, your other members or the staff that you guys are going to be at the amusement park, but since it’s a Saturday, and this is an amusement park, yes there will be people.” This sentence is just way too long. Add “be” after the first “will”. Then, replace the comma after “you” with a period (of course capitalize “your”).
“’Hyukjae may I ask you why you’re this relaed?” Place a comma after “Hyukjae” because Eunhyuk’s name is used to get his attention, not used as a subject in the context. Also, fix “relaed” to “relaxed”.
“’it’s not much worser than that.” Remove the extra “r” out of “worser”.
Chapter 6:
“’Do NOT his his face!’” Fix the first “his” to “hit”.
“lay him dow on the seats here instead…” Add “n” to the end of “dow”.
“Eunhyuk could still feel that he was jalous.” Make the word “jealous”.
“… and it surprisely but true worked.” Fix “surprisely” to “surprised”. Make “true” an adverb by replacing it with “truly”.
“’Everyone must safe themselves now!’” “Safe” is an adjective. This sentence needs a verb on the spot, so make it “save”.
“Eunhyuk found that part of a relationshop obvious…” Replace the second “o” in “relationshop” with an “i”.
Chapter 7:
“… AND WE’RE SU SCREWED IF YOU GUYS END UP DATING SUPER JUNIOR WILL END UP DISPANDING RIGHT NAO!’” First, change “su” to “so”. Second, put a period after “screwed” because this sentence can be divided into two based on the context. Third, put a comma after “dating”. Fourth, change “dispanding” to “disbanding”. Fifth, change “nao” to “now”.
“… but there was apperently one!” The correct spelling of the word is “apparently”.
“’It may be really private since I’m not aloud to hear it…” “Aloud” means loudly. What you wnt is “allowed”.
Chapter 9:
“… I’m determinding everything…” Just remove the “d” in “determinding”.
“… and just putted it on the internet.” “Putted” means to hit a golf ball into the hole. “To put” is another word, which is irregular. So just write “put” for its past tense.
“… then he will probably fast convince everyone…” I don’t get what you meant. Sorry.
“… as long as noone get’s pregnant.’” First, make sure “no one” is actually two words. Second, remove the apostrophe in “get’s”.
“… we all four have to write on our twitters that…” “Twitter” is a special pronoun; you must capitalize it.
Chapter 10:
“… and started to make breakfeast…” Make sure to remove the second “e” in “breakfeast”/
“… surprised by the boys weird mood change.” Since “mood” belongs to a specific boy, you must make “boy” possessive by adding an apostrophe. Just make it “boy’s”.
“’We’re we going?’ Jessica sked.” Replace “we’re” with “where are”. Add an “a” to “sked” to make it “asked”.
Chapter 12:
“… what exactly he said that hurted Ryeowook that much.” Remove “-ed” off “hurted” because it’s an irregular verb.
“… noone outsite the door heard it.” Again, “no one” is two words. Also, fix the spelling of “outsite” into “outside”.
“‘This is so embarrasing…” Please add another “s” in “embarrasing.”
“… wich only made Leeteuk more angry.” Change “wich” to “which”. “Angry” is less than three syllables, it can be transformed into “angrier” instead of “more angry”.
“… to accept any aplogy right now.” Double check your spelling! Change it to “apology”.
“BECAUSE I LITTERALLY HATE BEING HERE!” Please note that “literally” only have one “t”.
“… if it were not a joke, they would not have airanged it…” “It” is singular, therefore you need to conjugate the verb “to be” into past singular form, “was”. Also, I have no clue what you meant by “airanged”.
“… is going to save our lifes.’” The word “life” is a noun, but when it’s in plural form, you must change the “f” into a “v”.
“… the group he wanted to be succesfull more than everything.” Fix “succesfull” to “successful”.
“… their assed would be safe…” I think you meant “asses” because “assed” is not a word.
“… her parents was there as well,” First, “parents” is plural, so you must make “was” “were”. Second, there’s nothing after the word “well”, so replace the comma with a period.
Chapter 13:
“Donghae was sleeping peacefully in he and Eunhyuk’s room…” The room belongs to both Donghae and Eunhyuk. You used the correct possessive noun for Eunhyuk, but not Donghae. Instead of “he”, put “his”.
“‘I don’t want milk throwed at me one more time.” This sentence is awkward and grammatically incorrect. Replace “throwed” with “being thrown”.
“… but entertainment business was builded by lies…” Change “builded” to “built”.
“… damn thse girls were even faster than the papparazzi!” Change the spelling of “papparazzi” to “paparazzi”.
“You could hear several gaspes through the studio…” Remove the “e” in “gaspes”.
“… how uninterrested Kang Ho Dong had been…” Fix the spelling of “uninterrested” into “uninterested”. Also, Kang Ho Dong is singular, change “had” to “has”.
“… that would be ridicolus…” Make sure to spell it right, “ridiculous”.
Other [8/10]
I enjoyed it quite a lot. Lee Sooman is so evil. Ugh! I’m like banging on the table right now!
Extra [3/5]:
Cute poster you have there (even though Eunhyuk’s head is cut off a little). Background is okay.
Format is neat. I think it would be better if you put some kind of break in between transition of scenes. For examples, the horizontal line feature, dashes (---), stars (***), tilde (~~~) etc.
You can put them all the way across, or just put a few symbols and center it (remember to keep the same amount of symbols every time you center).
Some of your titles are capitalized incorrectly. Remember to always capitalize important words of a title! Also, please do not put periods after your title; it’s not needed there! Here’s a list of the correct title names.
1. The Director is Freaking INSANE
(the capitalization here bothers me a bit)
2. Reactions…
3. Awkward Turtle…
6. The First Date
7. We are so ed…
9. Reasons and Confessions
11. Why is it Wrong?
12. Arguments. Apologies. Anger
13. Strong Heart
Total [0-100]: 73/100
Your overall scores combined.
A: 90-100
B: 80-89
C: 70-79
D: 60-69
F: 60-
Please please please double check your story before posting. I found tons of careless errors and typos. I would’ve mark your grammar points higher if there isn’t so many of them. That’s the main problem of your fanfic, well, the whole grammar section is. Everything else is minor compared to it. If you have any question, just ask me.
Thank you for requesting at our shop. Hopefully this review is helpful in some way. ~teuteelicious from **Starlight Review Shop**
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