a beautiful love to remember - christinovalya (Reviewer: keishota)
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Title: a beautiful love to remember
Author: christinovalya
Title: [ 3/5 pts.]
The title is common and not really eye-catching. It didn’t make me curious to know more about the story
Foreword/Description: [ 2/5 pts.]
It wasn’t really interesting, but I did feel curious about what will happen to Junho in your story. A lot of grammar mistakes and awkward tenses were also the reason why I deducted your marks. I will tell you more about this problem in the grammar section.
Plot/ Originality: [ 10/20 pts.]
Since there were only two chapters, I couldn’t really tell if you’re going to put your own twist inside or not. But, it wasn’t really original.
Flow: [ 6/10 pts.]
The flow was kind of fast and confusing. You made the scene too fast to end, somehow I felt like you were in a rush.
Characterization: [ 7/10 pts.]
Until now, I only know Min is quite a bad-tempered woman, while Junho is a ert. You need to describe them more in your description. Not only in their dialogue, but also their action and feelings as well.
Grammar/Spelling/ Writing Style: [ 7/30 pts.]
Sorry for giving you a low score in this section, but you really need to improve on your grammar and vocabulary. You kept mixing up between past and present tense and it really confused me. Your vocabulary was basic, so you kept repeating the same words or sentences quite a lot. Also, I didn’t understand why you italicized some sentences inside the chapters. Since you were using 1st POV, you didn’t really need to use italic to represent Min’s thoughts. It’s not wrong, but it’s just not necessary. Your writing style also was really hard to understand because of the amount of grammar mistakes.
I will point out the mistakes in the foreword and chapters, but not everything. Please take notes!
Foreword/Description
For me, 'Lee Junho' is a trouble. The only thing that's good about that boy is--he's good at Italian.
- Please capitalize the first word in the sentence. It should be ‘For’ not ‘for’. I don’t think it’s necessary to use (‘ ‘) in the character’s name, so only Lee Junho is okay. You should change the word ‘boy’ to ‘man’ instead. For me, ‘Boy’ is referring to male under 13 years old. Also—only thing that good about that boy is--he good at Italian.— sounds awkward. Let’s change the sentence a bit. The only thing that good about him is he can speak Italian fluently—or—The only thing that good about him was he could speak Italian fluently—sounds okay, right? Don’t use the same words twice in a sentence.
That boy really know how to make me angry. so everytime we have a conversation/debate, i'm always the one who's getting angry at the end.
- Please change the word ‘boy’ to ‘man’; ‘know’ to ‘knows, since ‘man’ is 3rd person. Please capitalize the word after full stop (.) and put comma (,) after ‘So’. The sentence should be like this—So, every time we have a conversation or debate, I will always be the one who gets angry in the end—or—So, every time we had a conversation or debate, I would always be the one who got angry in the end.—Notice! You must capitalize ‘i’ to ‘I’.
but the most annoying thing about him is...he always making fun of me and make me looks like an alien for being in an age that's almost reach 28.
- Please capitalize the first word in the sentence and put comma after ‘But’. Please use space after punctuation. Don’t use the same words twice in a sentence. The sentence sounds really weird when I read it, so I try to change it with my own words—But, the most annoying part is he likes to make fun of me and treats me like an alien after knowing that I’m still a .—or—But, the most annoying part was he liked to make fun of me and treated me like an alien after knowing that I was still a .—I didn’t mention Min’s age in here. If you still want to mention her age, please use ‘twenty eight’ instead of numbers.
at least it's stay like that until time seperates us away and make me meet him again in a cold morning in Time Square. But as weeks passed in New York, I have to receive the shocking truth about Junho. And my own feelings for him.
- I don’t see any reason why you have to use italic at the first word and you also misspelled the word ‘separate’. Again, the sentence sounds awkward. I’ll try to fix it a little—Well, our relationship has stayed like that until we were finally separated. However, we meet again in one cold morning at Times Square. But, as time goes by in New York, I have to accept the shocking truth about Junho as well as my feelings for him.—or—Well, our relationship had stayed like this until we were finally separated. However, we met again in one cold morning at Times Square. But, as time went by in New York, I had to accept the shocking truth about Junho as well as my feelings for him.
Chapter 1
From this part, I will be correcting your errors, but not everything. I will write notes if it’s necessary.
He turn my body and look at me closely—actually he look at me with eyes that’s full of his dirty lust.
He turned my body and looked at me in the eyes with gazes full of lust.
“so i’ve been told.” I answered carelessly. Completely doesn’t felt flattered because of his words. It’s really cheesy.
Awkward tenses. I’ll change it a bit—“Ah, is that so?” I answered carelessly, not falling for his cheesy words.—Remember to capitalize the first word after punctuation ( “ ).
“Benne, benne...” he speak italian again.
“Benne, benne…,” he spoke in Italian again.—If the word is a foreign language, you must italicize it.
After asked me many times this passed few weeks to have a dinner with him, i’m finally gave up.
Awkward tenses. Let’s try with this one—In these past few weeks, Junho had been inviting me to have dinner with him and I rejected it, obviously. However, he kept bothering at work and it was really annoying that I finally gave up.
I’m still have to act prefessional, am i? Bussiness is bussiness.
I still had to act professional, right? Business is business.—You misspelled the words. It should be “professional” and “business”
And now.. he’s analyzing me with his psychology thing? what am i? A freak?
And, now… he was analyzing me with his psychology thing? What was I? A freak?
…,” he continue his words. Still looking at me as if i’m a bacteria below a microscope.
…,” he continued his words, staring at me as if I was a bacteria below a microscope.
He’s an alien. Worked with him more than 3 weeks already make me know him more than other people in My company.
He was an alien. Working with him for more than three weeks already made me know him better than other people in my company.
Well, he is charming. That’s a fact i can deny. But that doesn’t mean i like him.
Well, he was charming. It was a fact that I couldn’t deny. But, I still didn’t like him.
Me myself just realized recently that topics my friends really love talking about is about me and that Junho.
I just realized the topic which my friends love talking about recently was about me and Junho.
I look at him closely before finally answered without any emotions in my face or my voice.
I looked at him before answering him with an expressionless face.
“Obviously .”
“, obviously.”
I bite my lips. I don’t think i can say the real answer to him.
I bit my lower lips. Should I tell him the truth?—I change it a little since I found the sentence was kind of weird.
Before i could finished my sentence, Junho already laughing his out.
Before I could finish my sentence, Junho was already laughing his off.
“HAHAHAHA OH DAMN IT” his laugh turned into small curse when i kick his feet as hard as i could. “HAHAHA! Oh, damn it!” his laugh turned into small curses when I kicked his feet as hard as I could.
I’m no ordinary woman.
I’m not an ordinary woman.
Chapter 2
The next day when i need to met Junho again because of my job, i entered his room with dead expression in my face.
The next day, I had to meet Junho again because of my job. I entered his office while putting a dead expression on my face.
Dara (My bestfriend) reallllyyy hate my dead expression. Even one of my teacher when i’m still in high school ever told me “Lee Minyoung, you look death.”
Dara, my bestfriend, really hated my dead expression. Even one of my teacher when I was still in high school told me that I looked death. Please just write ‘really’ not ‘reallllyyy’. It’s wrong and unprofessional.
As usual, i pulled a chair and sit in front of him.
As usual, I pulled a chair and sat in front of him.
We use different Laptop and use My office's software that make us able to check and correct each other’s assignment from our laptop.
We used the office’s software that made us able to check and correct each other’s assignment from our laptop.—I don’t think it’s necessary to tell if they’re using different laptops or not, but this sentence was a bit off with the whole description. So, edit it.
“Couldn’t you tell?! I thought your experience as a lawyer at least can differentiates ‘joking’ and ‘serious’.” I said sarcastically.
“Can’t you tell?! I thought your experience as a lawyer can at least differentiate which one is joking or serious,” I said sarcastically.
“Because you laugh at me!”
“Because you laughed at me!”
“I thought you’re joking.”
“I thought you were joking.”
“Shut up.” I look at him closely. “listen, I don’t have to justify my status to you or anybody. I meant what i’ve said. And yes, I’m proud of it, okay?”
“Shut up!” I glared at him. “Listen! I don’t need to justify my status to you or anybody! I meant with what I’ve said and I’m proud of it, okay?”
Just because i choose to kept my ity he think someone ever break my heart? And even think that i’m a lesbian?!
Just because I chose to keep my ity, he thought someone had broken my heart and misunderstood me as a lesbian?!
"But what do you do if you get ?"
“But, what will you do if you get ?”—Don’t italicize it.
i know him not almost 1 month yet.
I just knew him for almost one month.
He's got to be kidding me!
He got to be kidding me!
“You don’t answer my question..”
You haven’t answered my question yet.”
“Are we going to waste our time because of your fool question?”
“Are we going to waste our time because of your stupid question?”—change the word ‘fool’ to ‘stupid’.
My stock of patience is getting thinner and thinner...
Awkward. Try to use this one—My patience had finally reached its limit.
He still look at me closely but i’m glad he’s finally shutting his big mouth.
He was still staring at me, but I was glad because he finally shut his big mouth.
This topic is just IDIOT!
This topic was just stupid!
“Confessions that deeeeeep down in your heart, you still want to have with me!”
“You just confessed that you actually want to have with me!”—Please just write ‘deep’ not ‘deeeeeeep’. It’s wrong and unprofessional. Edit it!
“You got to be kidding me!” I look at him. He is silly. How could god created this kind of human?
“You got to be kidding me!” I looked at him with disbelief. How could God create this kind of human to the world?
Crazy erted.
Crazy ert.
I hope the notes and corrections can help you. If you’ve something you don’t understand, just send me a PM. I will try my best to answer all of your questions J
Overall Enjoyment: [ 5/20 pts.]
Sorry, girl. I couldn’t enjoy it. All the grammar mistakes were a turn off and made me lazy to continue it.
Total Score: 40/100
Firstly, I want to say sorry if I was quite harsh in the review. I was trying to give you my honest opinion about your fanfic, so don’t let this make you down and stop writing. When I first wrote fanfic in AFF, my grammar was also terrible. I’m not good at studying, so I found grammar was a horrible monster that I must defeat. So, I tried to find another way to learn grammar since studying wasn’t really effective in my case. The answer is read a lot fanfics and English novels. Of course, you don’t just simply read it, but also learn how they write and use their grammar. Believe me, you’ll improve if you try J
Don’t give up and keep writing!
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