“So, is baekhyun out there? Is he with you?” asked Dr. Joohyun when we already finished the treatment. I nooded. baekhyun decided to spent his Saturday to take me to the hospital.

        I didn’t made he agree with it, he decided it by himself. Dr. Joohyun went out from the room that i knew she must be talked to baekhyun about me.

        After 10 minutes, finally she came back. She told me to get a rest and motivated me to finish the examination that will held a few weeks more.

       After the test, i will go to the rehabilitation and stayed there for a few months or maybe years.

        I didn’t know very well about the period, since my condition was pretty bad.

        As we arrived at my house, baekhyun suddenly asked me to show him the blue moon shaped lamp that used to belong to hyoyeon.

       I was about to ask him about his reason but he might going to hide something for me so i decided to not asking about it.

       we went to the warehouse that used to be my sister’s room. i took the lamp that started to get dusty.

        “this is the lamp?” he asked and i nooded. we took it to my room and sat on the floor.

        Baekhyun still admired the lamp that was very beautiful. “who gave it to you- i mean, hyoyeon?” baekhyun touched the lamp and trying to turn it on, though he haven’t plug it.

      such a stupid boy. I chuckled and said, “jimin gave it to her. hyoyeon and i always admired this thing and turn it every night. Ah, such a beautiful memories”

        “every night?”

        “everynight.”

 

        Ahyoung asked me to go to the cafe with her. so i came to the cafe and met her there who was sat alone.

        ahyoung told me about being jimin’s girlfriend, and i told her than jimin wasn’t a good guy without giving her any reason.

       Suprisingly, she knew that jimin ain’t a good guy.

        “i knew it. he’s such a bad guy but what can i do? I love him”

        “how did you know? Did you know about what he did last year?”

        “what? What did he do?”

        “nah, forget it. you might won’t believe me and ended up hating me as . So just forget it. and i’m begging you to keep a distance between you and jimin because you couldn’t understand how afraid i am to lose another friend because of bad guys. Do you understand me?” i asked and she only blinked a few times.

       I bet she was still confused about the that i just told her. however, i did really want to tell ahyoung that jimin was the one that killed hyoyeon, Our best friend.

       But somehow, i was afraid that ahyoung wouldn’t believe me and ended up hating me.

      then she’ll starting to not listen to me and ended up like hyoyeon. And i was doing this for her, for us.

 

        My parents weren’t home yet so i just sat on the couch with ilhoon on my lap. He was a 7 month-old baby and he was so heavy as a baby cow.

        “why did i always feel afraid, ilhoon-ah?” i asked to my baby brother. He ignored me and glued his eyes on the television.

        And i felt like a mad person that was talking to a baby.

        “is it because there’s something that i’m afraid to say? Or someone that i’m afraid to believe in? Or something that i’m afraid to know? Is it going to hurt if somehow i do it?” i sighed deeply and ilhoon didn’t say a thing.

         I hugged ilhoon tightly, though he never replied all my thought that i told him, but i was glad that he was there.

         At least someone wouldn’t tell me that everything is going to be okay since everything is not going to be okay.

        And suprisingly, ilhoon said, “noona” my jaw dropped so hard. I couldn’t blink at that moment.

        I was very suprised because my brother first word was ‘noona’ and i believde that it was reffering to me.

       or maybe baekhyun. He might think that baekhyun was a girl. i called jaejoong to come visit me that night since baekhyun was busy with his mother.

       A few minutes later, i heard a bell just rang. It was jaejoong.

        “ukh you finally came!”

        “wait, is there something happend?”

        “why?”

        “you seems so happy”

        “ILHOON JUST CALLED ME ‘NOONA’ OH MY GOD I’M GOING TO DIE RIGHT NOW I’M CRYING BLOOD” i yelled on jaejoong and he only looking at me with his straight look.

       He just realized that i called him to came here just because i want to tell him about ilhoon that just called me with ‘noona’.

        i took jaejoong to meet ilhoon, both of them getting a long pretty well.

        Then, jaejoong asked, “so? What’s about you and baekhyun? Are you guys doing fine?” i nooded at his question.

        “sometimes, i can’t understand why did baekhyun choose to fall in love with me. i mean, i’m weird. I’m different from other. I’m crazy. I’ve gone mad. Why did he decided to be with me than the other pretty es?” i asked.

        Jaejoong chuckled, “because you’re different”

        “i’m weird, and stupid”

        “listen girl, there’s nothing stupid on you. If you’re even wonder why did baekhyun fall for you, well you shouldn’t. When you fall for someone, you don’t need to know the reason because it goes accidentally. You couldn’t control it. it’s not about faces, it’s not about body curves, it’s about the feelings when your eyes meet him. the sparks that you felt for him must be different when you see others”

 

        “did you and baekhyun really dating? The students just told me about that” Mr. Han who teached at my private class suddenly asked that suprising question.

         I shuggred, i didn’t know. Even though i already told baekhyun that we were dating, i was still aware that he might going to hurt me somehow.

        I didn’t want it to happend, i didn’t want to make a mistake for choosing baekhyun as the person that i believe.

        Mr. Han chuckled, “well, if you really going out with him, i think it’s good”

        “why is it?”

        “[Y/N]-ah, humans are like glass. They’re broke and don’t get fixed. You know why they don’t get fixed? Because sometimes it cannot be fixed if they have broke to many pieces. You’ve broken to many pieces but baekhyun seems like trying so hard to fix you”

        “are you sure Mr. Han? What if he was trying to fix me to broke me another time? What if he said the most painful goodbye? The goodbye that are never said and never explained? What if he just left me without any warning? What if he broke me to many pieces until it won’t get fixed?”

        “your mind get ruin up if there was ‘what if’ in your thoughts, huh?”

 

        Me and baekhyun were walking together after school. as usual, he brought his bycicle and made the situation just like at the mangas.

        Both of us kept silence for a few minutes, maybe we’re thinking about us. Baekhyun was everything, but i tried to get rid of that thought.

        because i was afraid that i’m going to lose him, and that means i’ll lose everything.

        “can you promise something to me?” i asked and baekhyun nooded.

        “if i go and will never come back, go get your own life” my feet became weaker. Imagined he was walking with another girl but not me made me felt weaker, i’ve found my another weakness.

       Though i was the one who want it. sometimes, the best way to hurt yourself is to make the person you love happy.

        Even though with someone else.

        Then baekhyun squinted his eyes, “what the that you just said? No, you’re not going anywhere. No as long as i’m here to stand for you, and with another friends. You’re not alone, not even a single moment. You’re not going to be alone even though you wish you are”

        “baek...”

        “what?”

        “i’m hungry” i said and he was laughing. He maybe thought that we’re going to argue on the street.

        So, me and baekhyun went to the supermarket that we always go to bought some snacks to eat on the way to my home.

        When me and baekhyun were looking at the snacks, there was someone that stood behind us.

         I looked back and found jimin was there, smiling at me.

        “oh no, baek we have to go” i pulled baekhyun hand and got out from the supermarket as fast as i can.

       Baekhyun screamed at me because he was so shock, but he couldn’t be more shocked than me.

        i told him that there was jimin right behind us, then he could fell silent.

        Baekhyun held my hand, trying to calm me down, “no babe, don’t react again. just breath okay, we almost reach your home” baekhyun held my hand a long the street just for trying to calm me down.

         And it worked well, it really did. When we finally reached home, baekhyun immediatly left because he had something to do.

         My parents weren’t home so i decided to visit chanyeol instead. I walked to his home and rang the bell, then finally chanyeol showed up.

        “oh hey you, come in”

        “i met jimin again today”

        “jinjayo? So? Both of you are okay right? there’s nothing bad happend?” asked chanyeol as he closed the front door.

I continued to told him about the moment when me and baekhyun met jimin as we walked to his room.

       chanyeol was free that day, and i was so glad it was always at the perfect moment.

        “anyway, how did hyoyeon and jimin met?” chanyeol sat on his chair while i’m trying to remember about the moment when they both met at first.

       It was September and hyoyeon told me about that, about he met a pretty cute boy.

        I replied, “as far as i remember, it was spring. Hyoyeon told me that she bumped into someone and it was jimin. Both of them apologized and also interacted for the first time. Then they’ve became friends, going out, then the happens”

        “that’s all?”

        “that’s all that i remember”

 

        I suddenly woke up as i dreamed about the tragedy again. my body was covered with sweats, i was getting sick of this life.

        I check on my phone and found out that baekhyun sent me a message with a picture.

       The picture showed a math book and a pen with a message, “i’m working hard here for you. Make sure you work hard for yourself, i beg you. Math is no joke” he said.

       I chuckled, this guy is really idiot. Then i found a small lights from the window, i found out that it was from chanyeol’s room.

      i saw that chanyeol was working with his paper. He was wearing his sunglasses and a tanktop, what kind of teacher is this?

        “chanyeol-ah” i waved at him and he was waving back at me. he asked me why did i woke up and i answer him that i had a nightmares, the same nightmare that i always got at least twice a week.

       Even though the dreams getting weird day by day, like it was twisted. Such as if i was hyoyeon and hyoyeon was me, that was ridiculous.

        I asked back at him, “and why did you still woke up?” he told me that he got many sheet to do.

       Though he spelled ‘sheet’ as ‘’, it has a same meaning for him. i decided to close the window and tried to sleep.

      I had to reward baekhyun for his hardwork because it was the first time i saw he was studying.

 

        Like what we did yesterday, we walked on the street together again. i’ve told him that i was going to reward him for his hard work, though i wasn't really sure that he was studying for 4 hours.

       He might tell , oh well. “but i’m so sad, i couldn’t do some question’s about math” he said.

       I said that i’m going to help him, but he refused because i was going to know how stupid he was.

       The thing was, i already know about it.

        I asked, “how many question?” then he said that there was 14 questions that he couldn’t answer.

        14 questions from 20 questions. Then i know that he was dumer-er. I forced him to study with me because i wanted baekhyun to be succesful later so he could get a perfect woman for him instead me.

       then he suddenly linged his arm on my shoulder.

        “i’m going to work hard to be just like Dr. Joohyun, so i can help you. I know that it’s need a long time to learn about phsycology but anything for cure you so you would be happier. Your smile is everything, since you’ve never smile before. Your smile is one of the thing that cure my lovely sadness”

        “stop being stupid just because a love, byun baekhyun”

        “then you should take the resposible. You’re the one who make me fall in love with you after you threw to me. you make me stupid, you make me dumb, but you’re going to be the one who changed my bad behaviour. Everybody knew that. I’m going to work hard and prove you that i’m not joking”

 

        Baekhyun couldn’t meet me at the street because he has to go home earlier, but he would came to my home tonight so i wouldn't mind.  

i decided to go home with jaejoong instead. I also told jaejoong that me and baekhyun would going to study together, even asking him to join us.

“no, i’m not going to join both of you. Baekhyun will kill me if i disturb both of you” he said. Well, jaejoong was right. baekhyun is a jealousy kid.

“i don’t know about this, but i think both of you were lucky” jaejoong smiled as he was looking at me. i squinted my eyes, not really understand about what he just said.

Lucky? I was lucky, i was too lucky because i got baekhyun on my hand. Baekhyun was lucky? I wasn't quiet sure, he got me.

        He said, “i’m not sure that you lost your smile before. You might not lose it, you just hide it. and the one that got away, came back. Have you ever think about it? about what if the one that got away came back?”

        “what do you mean by that? Are you talking about my smile, hyoyeon or jimin? Because my smile and jimin had came back but hyoyeon won’t came back. I don’t need my smile. Because if hyoyeon came back, my smile came along with her. she was the happiest thing that i’ve ever had, no one that could replace a friend like her. just thinking about her name made me cry, thinking about how precious she’s to me”

        “you might don’t need your smile, but some people do. I do, baekhyun also. You can’t always assume that people don’t care about you, that people don’t need you. And do you know why did i said that both of you were lucky? Because both of you fall in love to each other. There’s so many people that were craving for that since the person they loved, love someone else. Like me, i love someone and then she died like that”

        When i just opened my mouth to replied jaejoong, i saw something at the corner of my eye.

I found baekhyun who was walking out from a place. I looked at jaejoong that he might knew about that place, but he didn’t know about it.

just when i was about to called his name, chorong came along him. i walked towards them, there must be something happend.

        “baekhyun-ah?” i called his name and he seemed very suprised. I asked him about what happend and why did he going out with chorong when he told me that he has to go home.

Suddenly, jaejoong asked, “wait, why did you go to this karaoke place?”

        “baekhyun told me to go with him!” chorong screamed. I jumped, what the that happened. I felt my breath became shorter and shorter, but i was trying to stand up to know about the that was happening.

        “stop lying, park chorong!” jaejoong yelled on her. i could see chorong became afraid, but what is she was right?

what if that baekhyun did asked her to go with him? chorong was about to leave but i held her hand, i still need an explanation.

I held her hand tighter and tighter, “what's happen for real? Answer me or you’ll lose your hand” chorong face became pale.

        Baekhyun said, “stop it, you’re hurting her!” but i didn’t make any move. I looked right into his eyes with my burning eyes.

“shut the up, i’m not asking for you opinion dickhead” i screamed. Chorong told me to stop but i didn’t want to, she had to answer me first.

        “okay! I pulled him to came to here! Can you now please let go of my hand!?” chorong yelled. I let go of her hand that had a red mark on it, created by me. i didn’t know what to do, i was so mad right now.

I didn’t know who the that i should blame right now, i just wanted to blame everyone.

I ran away from them and ignoring the boys voice that was calling my name. "it's not even my fault!" baekhyun cried then i glare at him, "yeah, it's my fault" i continued to ran away though i was so broken that day.

        As i reached my home, my view became blur. I was too late.

 

        I opened my eyes and found Dr. Joohyun was there. I looked everywhere and found no one except us.

She smiled at me and held my hand, “you finally woke up. Everyone is outside, i told them to not disturb you since you still weak. I didn’t know what happend but i’m sure it was had some thing with baekhyun, am i right?” i sighed and nooded.

        “so? Do you have any idea beside leaving baekhyun behind? It’s up to you since it seems like impossible to tell you to leave baekhyun” she said.

I bite my lip, i didn’t know what to do, like i’ve ever know what to do. I didn’t want to leave baekhyun but i don’t want to suffer like this.

        She said, “[Y/N]-ah, i’m already 36 years old. I might can’t understand how it feels like to be at your position but if i were you, i choose to leave him”

        “but you know i can’t, right?”
        “i know you know how stupid it was to hurt yourself just because of a guy”

 

        I’ve finished the treatment and the nurse took me to my room. i didn’t know about the next thing that i forgot after hyoyeon’s death.

I told the nurse to tell jaejoong to come here, i need him. when he came, i immediatly told him to mention all my friends.

Then he mentioned some name, the that seems like really weird for me.

        “ahyoung? chorong? Who are they?” i asked and jaejoong became suprised. He told me that ahyoung is my bestfriends while chorong is used to be my bestfriends before she was trying to make me and baekhyun broke up.

        “i wonder what would happen if you forgot baekhyun” jaejoong laughed a little while i’m sighed, it must be really good for him. he would be free. I said, “if someday i forgot about him, don’t ever try to make me remember about him”

        “w-why?”

        “because that’s what i’m waiting for”

 

~~~***~~~