“I like you, Kim Saehee. I want to be the first guy you come to when something happens. I wish you can accept my feelings as they are,” Jongup shyly mumbles.

The first thought that came into my mind was to accept Jongup's feelings until I glance over to Youngjae and my previous thoughts completely went away. Why? I don't know myself. Jongup has been making a lot of effort to try and make me feel better for these past three years. He's done so much for me , it should be right to say yes.

But that's the problem. I started dating Youngjae because I liked him for who he is and all the things he's capable of. Of course Jongup is as capable of doing things like Youngjae, but I don't want to accept his feelings because I feel like I should.

“I'm sorry, Jongup. I was going to say yes, until I realized I was only going to say it because I felt like I needed to repay for all that you've done for me. Of course I will repay you, but just not in this way. And to be totally honest with you, I still can't get over Youngjae. Now that he's back, it's totally messing up my lady hormones. I appreciate you sharing your feelings with me, but I hope you can understand.”

He continues to stare at his warm cup of tea for a while. Was that too much?

He takes a deep breathe and mutters, “Well, good thing I finally let that out. I thought I was going to literally explode if I hadn't confessed to you sooner. I'm totally fine and respect your opinion, Saehee- oh, can I call you that from now on? I'm feeling a little adult-like now that I've finally graduated high school. Noona is getting childish for me.”

I let out a laugh, “Then should I call you Jongup-oppa?”

He shivers, “No way, that's just weird. I'm going to take that you're allowing me to drop the honorifics. –It's getting late, shouldn't we be going home?”

My eyes avert to Youngjae one last time, “Yeah, let's go home.”

++

Daehyun wakes me up by violently shaking my whole body, “Kim Saehee, wake up right now. It's an emergency.”

I groan and turn myself away from Daehyun, “How bad can an emergency be?”

“Dr. Park called and said Youngjae's trying to break out of the hospital.”

“Right now?”

“Right now. He might have already ran out.”

“Yoo ing Youngjae,” I mumble as I force myself out of bed, “Why can't you just stay still?”

Dr. Park leads us through the hallway for mental-illness patients. The doors are all locked up, and when we got to Youngjae's door, he was lost in his thoughts, sitting upright on his bed. He noticed our arrival and hurried to the door, grabbing the bars with his clenched fists.

“Please get me out of here.”

“Where will you go if I let you out? To your dad?” I ask.

He doesn't reply, but tears start falling out instead.

“Please, I beg you.”

“Since when were you so weak?”

He whispers through his tears, “I just don't want you to get hurt.”

“I don't know what's going on, but these are symptoms of trauma –especially since I never saw Youngjae this broken down myself,” Dr. Park explains. “Either his dad's really going to do something horrible, or his dad just ed up his mind this much.”

“Can't it be both?”

“That is possible, yes.”

I sigh and talk slowly, “Yoo Youngjae, listen to me carefully. We're going to go back home –my home. You're going to go back into your room, take a really nice and long nap, and wake up with a refreshed mind. As soon as you step into my house, you're not going to worry about your dad. You're not going to try to break out, or do something stupid like kill yourself. --or if you want, I can just kill you right now.”

He stops crying.

“What will your choice be?” I ask.

“I'll go,” he responds.

“Alright then. Change your clothes and pack your things –if you even have any.”

I start walking back until Dr. Park stops me, “Miss Kim, this is very dangerous for Youngjae's mental health. If you do not take care of him carefully and properly, we don't know what he's going to do.”

“Don't worry. If all hope is lost, I'll come back to you.”

“It's not that simple--”

“I know, Dr. Park. I know it's right to follow what you say. But I promise you, I'll keep a good eye on Youngjae. I'll really try my best –and who knows? He might be in better condition than you think.”

He sighs, “Yes, I understand. I'm just too worried because a guy who I knew was once so strong turned so weak. I'll give some pills that wear off the depression, make sure he has one every forty-eight hours.”

“I will.”

It was silent going to the limo and going back home, no one even tried to lift up the atmosphere and did not speak a word.

“You remember where you room is, right? We didn't touch a single thing and left it as it is. Go in your room and make sure you rest, alright?”

I continue observing Youngjae's pale face. His long sleeved shirt looked big on him because he lost so much weight.

++

“Well, we finally got Youngjae back. What now?” Daehyun asks as we sit and eat at our dining table.

I ponder for a while, “Do you think his dad is going make a move on us soon?”

“But he left his son unconscious in the woods, don't you think he just threw him away?” Himchan comments.

“No, if he was really planning to leave Youngjae, I'm pretty sure he would kill him –and double check if he's dead too.”

“Any how, did you see how skinny that boy has become? Don't you think we should give him some of this food?” Yongguk asks.

“I checked up on him before eating, he's actually sleeping. Let's just feed him when he wakes up on his own.”

After finishing our meal, I go to Youngjae's room once again and slightly open his door to reveal his back towards me as he sits on his desk, reading something. I quietly close the door again, and knock this time.

His door slowly opens and he looks down at me. “Are you hungry?” I ask.

He shakes his head, but his stomach grumbles.

I roll my eyes, “Should I tell the maids to bring you some food, or--”

My words stop when he reveals his mom's diary in front of me. “You read this, didn't you?”

“N-No.”
 

God damn it, I need to really work on my lying.

“How much did you read?”

“N-Not that much.”

He turns to a page and reveals it to me, “Did you rip this page out?”

I gulp, “No....”

“Where's the page?”

“I don't know..”

Youngjae then walks brushes his shoulder against mine when he starts walking out the door. I follow him to the living room, where he stands in front of the fireplace with the burning wood very active.

“Y-Yoo Youngjae, you're not going to do what I think you're doing, right?”

He reaches out his arm towards the fire, with the diary in his hand right above it.

“That's your deceased mom's, are you really going to through away your only memory of her?”

“Why can't I?” He yells back, “It's all worthless anyway.”

He throws it into the fireplace, and the white pages fainted with a little brown shortly turn into black ashes.

“Are you out of our mind? Do you even realize how useful that diary is? It's your only tangible memory of your mother too, why would you do something so stupid like that?”

“Talk about yourself, Kim Saehee. Do you even have any memories with your parents?”

I get taken aback by his argument and take a deep breath. “Are you really the Youngjae I once knew?”

“I'm sorry to disappoint you, but my mind is so messed up right now that I can't think properly. That ing bastards messed me up to the point where to me, dying would be less painful. He messed be up so much – that the girl I once liked and cared for has become my worst nightmare.”

I clench my fists. “Then what was all that when you first woke up? Why'd you come with me?”

“I don't know. Because I had no other ing choice.”

I look past Youngjae at the fire. Just like the diary, it seems as if Youngjae just burned into ashes. Burned into pieces of what used to be whole, unable to put them back together. What do you do with burned ashes?

“I'm sorry, Youngjae. For the best part I hope you don't see me as a bad person anymore. I left your antidepressants in front of your room door. Make sure to take some before you go to sleep and every forty-eight hours.”

I turn my back and slowly start walking up the stairs, and look down to see Youngjae heading back to his room. As I head up the stairs, Youngjae's words continue ringing through my ears.

“The girl I once liked and cared for has become my worst nightmare.”

Before I can even make it to my door, tears stream down my face. ing bastard. Don't even care to think about how I feel.

++

It was probably a week long that I haven't spoken a word to Youngjae. It was the other guys that took care of him and made sure he took his pills and ate. After a lot of thinking, it occurred to me that it wasn't like he made himself into this kind of state. If it was someone else made him like this, then I can just bring him back.

I tossed and turned in my bed for about a hundred times, so I got up walked out of my room, down the stairs where my feet automatically led me in front of Youngjae's room.

I knock on his door, there was no response.

“Youngjae, are you sleeping?”

I wait a couple of minutes, until I finally reach for his doorknob to turn it –only for it to be locked.

Damn it, Youngjae.

I knock once more, and the sound just echoed through the hallway, followed by absolute silence.

My back leans against his door. I drop my knees and sit against the cold floor, laying my head against my knees.

I'm sorry, Youngjae. I promise that I'll be here for you. Just please, speak to me.