“He didn’t know.”

He didn’t know where it began to turn so badly. He didn’t know when everything starts to go off or how everything turned upside down. He didn’t know why either, of how such a good relationship had to end. He didn’t know what went wrong. It was an irony, of how oblivious he was to everything. He simply didn’t know.

He didn’t know and perhaps, being oblivious – oblivion is a mistake.

“Let’s break up.”

“Okay.”

They were inseparable, he believes. Or at least, they were once inseparable. Then, everything changed. They were separable for every single reason out there. She could list a thousand things of why they need to separate, and he could list a thousand more reasons. So, it was not a very pleasant surprised, yet it wasn’t surprising either, when it came to the three words that broke them apart. Still, they were once inseparable. So, what went wrong, exactly?

He used to like everything about her. What he feels about her was more than ‘like’ itself. He cared about her more than a man for a woman, more than friends, and obviously more than partners. She was a part of him he didn’t want to lose, but lost in the end.  Even after her sudden disappearance and the long faithful waiting for the next seven months, he still loved her. For a little while after their break up, he still loved her. Today, the feelings still flickers inside him, slightly.

He loved her, there was no denying it. She, too, loved him. They were in love. Yes, they were once in love.

He liked her presence, it was as simple as that; he liked to know she was beside him, smiling; he liked to know she was next to him and in love; he liked to know she choose to stay with him; he liked her personal company. He liked her smile – how soft and beautiful her smile was; how her eyes followed her lips, they smiled in union; how it tugged her lips upwards and how sincere they were. He liked her scent – it wasn’t too sweet or too strong, it was soft and feminine, simply yet soothing. He liked her laughs – they were often loud and unfeminine, spontaneous, but he liked them. He liked her brain; she was smart and independent, very thoughtful and wise. He liked her attitude; her often shutting herself, locking away, and being a workaholic; her constant attitude that annoys him; her attitude that sooth him; her shyness. He liked everything about her. He swore he could bear with her all his life without complaining even once. So, what happened?

Today, they are all in past tense.

If he had not been so oblivious, would something changed? If he had figured it out sooner, how the downfall will be, could he stop it? Maybe, if he had known what was wrong, he could have fixed it sooner and everything will be alright. Or maybe, if he had known how messed-up everything will be, he wouldn’t have fallen for her. Every single thing, he figured, was avoidable yet unavoidable. But he… he…

It hurt. When everything crumble and suddenly lost, it hurt. It has been this way, he realized only recently, the endless cycle of hurt and hurting. The more he tried to prevent it, the more it hurt. He realized the cycle lives side by side with us, some outsmarted it, and some other was outsmarted by it. He was, unfortunately, the latter. Still, she figured it out much sooner and he was too late. The thing was… he was always too late.

It hurt for quite a while and it continued for more than a while. It hurt more and more, it hurt so much, and suddenly he woke up the next day to find it gone. The pain was gone, no more hurting. It abruptly stopped, one day, on one rainy summer day. The same must have happened to her. He always hoped someday the pain would stop, he didn’t have to feel the up and down of his chest and the pang in it, he didn’t have to mask everything. He spent his days counting stars, hoping for it to end, but it took too long. And on a very tiring day, where he needed to break to a million pieces and break his strong ‘okay’ mask, he fell asleep with a cry and woke up with this particular emptiness that sooth him. He was thankful for it.

He realized she was in every single dream of his. He realized she was in every future he had wanted. He realized she was a part in his life for every single path. He realized she meant everything for him. He realized it was impossible to break away from her without his heart crumbling down. He was a man, but it hurt. Yes, it was impossible for two people to break away from each other without getting hurt. He embraced the pain, he rejected the pain, he doubled the pain, he lessened the pain, and suddenly it stopped. When it suddenly stopped, he wished it would have continued a little longer. His feelings suddenly felt empty. It took a while for colours to refill him. When it did, brand new days awaits.

“Marry me.”

…

…

“I can’t.”

He found his closure along the way. After what happened that night, the closure came little by little, once he was brave enough to force his eyes open and his brain to work. It was the last time he had seen her for the past seventeen months. She disappeared again, after disclosing the rumors that surrounded her. This time, even when they resurfaced, she didn’t bother to come back. She was gone, for good. He knew she wasn’t coming back. Seventeen months ago, she was the most scandalous person ever, with the sudden hiatus and disappearance. He hoped, one day, she would return to the Lee Ji Eun he once knew.

He leaned back against the wall, watching the glimmering stage. Somehow, it wasn’t as elegant or as merry as it usually looked. It looked so simple with only baby blue and pastel pink colours painting the stage. It didn’t chant excitement or anything to jump and dance to. For once, the stage that watches many tears, heartbreak, hard work, and happiness, looked so peaceful and calm. The music that filled the air was soothing to the ear and it calmed him down. It lulled him to sleep and he knew how beautiful his dreams will be. He closed his eyes and his nose picked up her scent.

Lee Ji Eun was singing.

***

“Marry me,”

…

…

“I can’t.”

Lee Ji Eun disappeared for seventeen months and she suddenly showed up. She showed up without greetings or preparations. She has been travelling; there wasn’t a place where she hasn’t been to. She was traveling around the world, finding her peace and solace in silence. She disappeared where people couldn’t find her, where people couldn’t recognize her. She was so tired and fatigued, so hopeless and afraid, and disappearing helped by a lot. It wasn’t something to be proud of, but running away helped.

She was afraid of making the wrong decision. When she found him on her doorstep that night, the rain was cold and drizzling. She could hear the raindrops and he was shivering cold. He was drenched in cold water. She, in the other hand, was a messed-up being. She was crying her lungs out. All that echoed in her head was fear, fear, fear. He was unprepared, she knew he was acting on his gut. What came out from him next caused the word to echo louder in her head. Fear, fear, fear.

“Marry me,”

It was not two hours ago when she asked for a break up and yet he asked for a marriage.

She was afraid of getting hurt, of living alive without him. She knew she could afford it, she could bear with it. But she was afraid if it would haunt her down. She was afraid she would never fall in love again. She was afraid she had fallen too deep to pull herself up again. There was so much to be afraid of and it clouded her mind. She could speculate of a thousand different life paths with him, none ended nicely, but she may have been happy for a while. Yet, then, she could give him a thousand reasons why they shouldn’t be together and he could give her a thousand more.

She was in Jeju for a while, then she flew to Hokkaido. She flew to Guangzhou and stay for a while. She moved back to London for quite a long time, then spent her days day dreaming in Paris for two months. She tried to find peace in Venice. She visited Amsterdam for a rainy season for calmness and safety. She stayed in Stockholm for a year, and then repeated everything again. She met a lot of elder and they sooth her a lot. She was traveling where people would stay for a retirement. Yes, it has passed through her head quite a few times, of retiring, that is.

She did retired, for seventeen months. There was no schedule of what she needed to do or what she has to do, there was nothing to look forward to. She live a selfish life for a while and it sooth her. She live her own way and it was so nice. She’d write on days where her clouded judgment took the best of her. She’d write on days where the baby blue sky were clear. She’d write on days where the rain poured all day. She’d sing on days where she was sad, where her emotion felt like exploding. She’d design on bright summer days. She’d design when she couldn’t sleep at night. She’d design when everything seemed so boring, and if her clothes style were just a routine style. She did things on her mood. And it felt so relaxing.

She distracted her mind a lot. Their break up was painful for her, more when he proposed, yet she can’t. She grew more afraid each days, since the pain grew even more. She cried herself to sleep for a week or two, then she was too tired of crying. She felt like a helpless fool, so she stopped. She didn’t cry anymore, but there were nights when everything was too much. She skipped meals for two or three days, then her health downgraded fast, so she bear with the constant energy-supplying meals three times a day. She’d spaced out during the day and wander around the streets absentmindedly. She’d suddenly find herself nowhere.

And it stopped. One day, on a snowy evening, she woke up after falling asleep. She found no tears in her eyes, no heavy breathing, nothing painful in her chest, just… emptiness. The pain was gone. Then, she stopped spacing out, she stopped crying, she stopped skipping meals. She stopped wandering around so mindlessly. She lived a life to sooth away every conflicting feelings and prepared for a return someday. She was ready for a return, someday later.

And she did.

***

When he saw her that day, the first in seventeen months, his mind became clouded and rusty. Her hair was longer, it was painted with a lighter color of brown than her original. It was no longer short. He assumed she took her courage back to start a life and dragged it around with her. He was glad, she looked nice with lighter color of brown and longer hair. But then, his mind was too rusty. His chest was pounding, everything tuning down, his fist clench and unclenching, the lump in his throat, the urge to run to her and kiss her again, then the urge to scream out her name. He has it all.

He wanted her back.

It took him one clench-unclenching fist, a deep breath, closing and reopening his eyes, and another long sigh to snap out of it. He has not seen her that beautiful, calm, and stress-free for a long time. There was no circle underneath her brown eyes. Her skin looked a lot healthier. She looked much lovelier. He didn’t remember her being that beautiful. Her smile was a lot gentler and sincere, full of happiness and kindness. Her laughter was loud and spontaneous, whole-hearted. Her brown eyes were clear and it flickered wonderfully. No more insecurities and fear that often haunted her. Just happiness. Pure happiness and peacefulness and calmness. He has not seen her that happy.

He has not seen her that happy. He always wished to be part of her life, to be someone she could hold on to during the toughest, to be someone she would share her happiness with, to be someone to make her happy. He realized he can’t. Perhaps their break up was not a wrong choice with pain as its vein side-effects. Clearly, he couldn’t have made her that happy or even the slightest bit happier. He realized… that perhaps they were meant to be. Fate may have bounded them to be together. He also realized they didn’t lose against fate, they were too strong that they outsmarted it. The consequences of outsmarting fate would be… being outsmarted back. Yet he was too old to believe in ‘that’ fate. Fate somehow is what he build on his own, what he dwell and struggle upon. Breaking his heart and breaking her own too, perhaps was the best decision she could came out with. Perhaps, it was truly for the better. If she had married him, perhaps she’d be 23, married, having kids, divorced, uncertain futures, and a messed-up life.

They said you would let go once you see your loved one in better place. He never gives a damn about them, until today. Yes, it hurt knowing he couldn’t have been ‘the one’. But he was contented. He could stop worrying for now; he could stop the pain knowing his sacrifice was what made her happy. He’d live okay without her and her too. And they’d both be okay. Still, one thing clouded his mind: is he a part of her regrets? Does she regret him?

He snapped his eyes opened once the song ended. The whole room was silence for a mere three seconds before most of the audience stood up and applauded her. She gave a shy bow and thanks them, she spoke for a while then storm down the stage once the lights went out. The peacefulness of her song and her voice stayed for a while, but ended five seconds later.

“Hey,” he greeted first, rambling on his words.

“Hey,” she shyly nodded; tint of pink blush-on decorated her cheek. He could have misunderstood it as a blush, if the memories of their break up didn’t come back so abruptly.

“Good work right there.” He stared at her. Her eyes was so brown and deep, gentle and it flickers beautifully. Her eyes were so clear, he could saw his own reflection on her eyes, flickering.

“Thanks,” she muttered and rambling about the fact that she needed to go and greeted a few people she hasn’t seen for a long time. He nodded, then the urge came. He still has to ask one single thing before letting her go whole-heartedly. Seeing her up-close, he figured she was truly so happy and carefree, lots of stress was lifted off her. He was glad.

He grabbed her by the wrist and smirk at how cliché it was. She turned around, seemingly surprised but softened. The distance between the two was merely two steps apart. He stared at her for a while, a part of him was afraid to hear the answers. He tried to search for one, but find none. And it terrified him even more.

“Do you… regret me?”

There was this faint yet so beautiful smile on her lips. She took her little steps toward him. Her smile was faint but it soothed him for some reason. Was it her smile or the way she called out her name? His name sounded sweet in her lips, it melted him. His cold heart, his selfishness, his longing and uncertainty, washed away by a single mention of his name from her. Then, her smile widened a bit more, enclosing the two-steps distance, until he could pick up her scent so strongly and felt her steady breath against his collar bone.

“Myungsoo…” she tiptoed. “I will never regret you,” she pecked his cheek and walked away.

Her slender figure looked beautiful, her hair bounced up and down, her steps were gentle and feminine. He could imagine her smiling so beautifully. Her wrist no longer in his grasp, only traces of her scent in his nose, and the softness of her lips on his cheek. He was still tense, then relaxed when she was no longer in his sight.

There was no hope of them reuniting, but then…

He was okay. He will always be okay.

She was okay. She will always be okay.

They are both okay.

Okay.