7 months later.

Seven months later, she returned to her homeland. She landed safely, her feet touched the ground, but her heart was nowhere near peace. A smile was supposed to tug the corner of her lips, a shaky sigh of relief should be escaping her lips, but it did not. Instead, she looked very unpleasant and unhappy about her own return. It felt strange. Everything felt strange to her and she grew unaccustomed to everything. She had a bad feeling about everything, perhaps she was being speculative.

Her heels touched the ground and she hated the feel of it. The moistness of it wasn’t helping either. It was dry, yet somehow sticky. She hated the feel of it beneath her shoe sole. There was a significant force pining her to the ground, perhaps she picked the wrong time. The wind felt strange on her skin, as it brushed against her cheek. Her hairs were tangled, since the wind blew to greet her. It was harsh and cold, she didn’t like the dampness of it either. The sun rose too high, the heat was burning her skin. Clearly, she disliked it. Suddenly, she disliked everything, she hated everything.

She hated the way the wind brush past her, the way the sun shone upon her, the way the ground created the clicking sound beneath her. She hated everything. She hated the crowds on the street, the way she had to slip her way among the crowd, or the caged freedom she had to face. She hated everything about this place. Suddenly, home didn’t feel like home anymore. She was a stranger in her homeland.

7 months. It took her the long seven months – the longer she ever feel about seven months – for her to grab back her courage and returned home. When she finally return, she didn’t feel proud or happy about it. She had one reason to return home, or at least she thought so, and she’d try to live normally again. She ran away for too long, wandering on her own path, engulfed in her thoughts, and she was lost for a moment. She was lost and she lost the will to return. Now that she’s back, does that mean she has finally return? The feeling of lost wasn’t something she liked. When she was lost, she hated everything, everyone, and among them she hated herself the most.

She decided coming back to Seoul was too sudden for her. She still needed this peace, where she could expect the scenario that would happen, and to avoid the unexpected. She refused to admit it, but her persistent on not breaking down was tearing her apart. It torn her, in the end, and still she was persistent enough not to break down. Surprises, although she managed to grab back her courage, might still be a little too much for her. So, she booked the latest plan ticket to Jeju-do.

The beach looked the same, a mix of clear transparent sea and the emerald green radiating from it. It was beautiful, but she has grown too unaccustomed to everything. She may have been gone for too long. She lived too long in London, where it rains daily, where the heat wasn’t too much to handle, and she had found the dampness and the moistness of it to be comforting. On days where everything grew tough on her, the rain would pour down. Rain became her solace in silence somehow; the coldness of it, the loneliness, the muteness.

She dragged her luggage with her, ignoring the stares. She was dressed in a nice floral dress to fit the hot summer day. She wore her sunglasses, keeping a low profile. She walked through the street of Jeju, wanting to feel some comfort in the beach, but found none. Her hotel was a twenty-minute drive away. She sighed and spun her heels. She had not feel this much anxious, this much wary, and this much discomfort.

“IU-ah,” the voice came from behind. She tensed up for a bit, then turned to face the man. He had this grin on his lips and she sighed in return. She lost her smile.

“Oppa,” she blurted with a force smile. Something was different about her. He could feel it, but he wouldn’t bother her. Perhaps the speculation and rumors that surrounded her has taken an effect on her.

“So, are you ready?” He teasingly asked with his car keys dangling on his fingers. He spun it around, so the metal crashed against one another, creating this particular sound that could be annoying and comforting at the same time. Again, she sighed. When she nodded, his smile widened for a bit.

However, this was not the Lee Ji Eun he knew.

He tried to make some conversations along the road. A twenty-minute drive wasn’t short enough to be filled with silence. He has been keeping a close eye on her since she returned. She was different. All she has done was starting at the road upfront or staring out the windows. Yet most of his effort was fruitless, all her answers came in form of yes or no, so it didn’t last for more than three seconds.

“I hope the scandal doesn’t bother you anymore.” He blurted out without meaning to, but continued, “you were gone for too long and no one really knows where you were. That’s why the speculation and rumors begin to pop out. I’m sorry I couldn’t anything, your image changed for a bit.”

She leaned back. Her gaze turned unfocused and uneasy. She shifted uncomfortably as he let out all those words. When he stopped, there was a pause on everything, and the silence was bothering him. She was searching for the right answer without opening up too much. “I wasn’t running away from my scandal. I was perfectly fine with it.”

“Then… why?”

“I… haven’t told anyone about this, but I was dating someone. He was involved in a scandal and I just need some time to handle it.”

“You were dating someone and you didn’t tell me?” He suddenly stopped the car and stared at her in disbelief. “What if it was blown up or something? We will be in so much trouble. Who were you dating?”

She let the pregnant pause filled the tension once more. It’s okay, she convinced herself. “Infinite L.”

“Oh,” he muttered. It was one of the most scandalous last year. “So, the two of you broke up?”

“Maybe.”

***

He stopped waiting three months ago. When the World Tour ended, the INFINITE was given some breaks before they returned to their respective schedules. She never call, she never text, and he was sure they were over. The last time he heard her voice was five months ago, on a tiring day, where they finally finish their World Tour in France. No, he didn’t even hear her voice. It was the last time she contacted him. The next thing he knew was the grey area – where uncertainty took over and he stopped.

Give her some time, they said he should. He had given her some time, maybe more than necessary. He tried to call her, he tried to leave voicemails and texts, but none reach out to her. She disappeared on him and he grew accustomed to her missing presence. The pain was gone, or at least it stopped at some point. It used to be so hard living without her, knowing she was somewhere else avoiding him. It used to be so painful, yet suddenly it stopped. Maybe she felt the same and maybe she was not returning at all.

It was the 236^th day since it ended. He began to address her as an ex, and it seemed the INFINITE had voiced no disagreement upon it. It was two weeks ago, when he decided it was about time to give up. The pain was not there, the missing presence was something he had adapted well to, and the uncertainty has been too long. He was no longer bounded to her and he was no longer waiting. He was moving on with life. He wouldn’t say it was a right choice, but he knew it was a better one.

But, if one day she returns, he will confront her.

A hot summer day, he wondered what would fit the day. They would love to visit the beach, but their manager has been reminding them about their safety and caged freedom. Things have been well recently. Kim Myungsoo managed to reach an agreement with Nam Woohyun; they weren’t best buddy but they would try to avoid conflicts. Their leader was extremely pleased about it, being able to enjoy more peaceful days without fight. When he woke up that morning, the members were sitting on the living room, watching some horror movies. He muttered a simple good morning. He was the last one to wake up. Has he mentioned he no longer listens to her songs?

He sat in the kitchen, the regular breakfast they had was a toast and salad. He grumpily shoved it in and chewed. There was a mix of bitterness, sweetness, and sourness that above all tasted disgusting. He wondered if it was Sungyeol’s turn to make breakfast this morning. He gulped down a cup of water quickly, to digest it all without having to taste too much. When he turned around to join the rest, he found them standing in front of him, surrounding him and staring at him. It was spooky.

“I hate to say this, but…” Sunggyu stated and force himself to blurt it out, “Lee Ji Eun is back in town.”

Lee Ji Eun is back in town.

He kept silence for a long time. He tuned everything down, so all he could hear was his own heartbeat and the ticking clock. It took her 236 days to return. At least, she returned. He did not know whether he was supposed to feel relief or hurt, happy or sad, or simply being ignorant. Clearly, he failed to act ignorant. He cared. Suddenly, all the feelings came back, it rushed into him, like a crash of ocean waves. Kim Hyuna was right about him. It only took him a single mention of her name, for everything else to be nothing.

“Not exactly back in town,” Sunggyu murmured quietly. Myungsoo’s silence was somehow pressuring. “She’s in Jeju-do.” He showed him a picture of her, dressed nicely in floral dress that shows off her petite figure. She was the cover of most magazines.

He was still silent, staring at the picture. She looked gorgeous and simple in that yellow dress. She was thinner than he last saw her, which was months ago. She looked stressed and burdened. She had this different aura around her. He noticed everything about her, what changes and what not, but one thing stood out the most: she wasn’t smiling at all. There was no hint of smile tugging her lips. It seemed she shut herself. It hurt him seeing the changes. What an agony.

“L, are you… okay?” Sunggyu asked again. Clearly, he was not.

As if his brain lagged for a moment, it finally did some math to calculate everything and processed it. He suddenly stood up, running to his room to grab his navy blue jackets and black cap, he tried to fly out of the door. Sunggyu abruptly stopped him from leaving. Myungsoo struggled, but failed with all the members helping their leader out. All that spun inside his head was the desire to leave and chase after her. So, why were they stopping him? He needs to leave! He needs to see her! Somebody please understand!

“I need to see her!” He exclaimed.

“Calm down! You can’t see her right now. You don’t even know where she stays. She probably need some time before seeing you! We have schedules for tonight, you can’t just leave and miss out practice.”

“I have given her time, Sunggyu! I have given her 236 days to think and come back. Don’t you think it’s more than enough?!”

“But –“ Sunggyu tried to restrain the boy when he struggled once more. However, he was quickly stopped by one man. When he looked up, it was unexpected. He was Nam Woohyun.

“Let him,” He muttered under his breath. “I’ll cover for you so go.” He stared at the struggling Kim Myungsoo and tapped his back. “Go, see her.”

“What are you –“ Sunggyu gave him a disapproving look when Myungsoo scramble on his feet. This is going to be a mess.

“Jeju Palace, room number 107!” Woohyun yelled, hopefully it reached the man quite on time. He let out a shaky sigh and smiled widely, as if he had accomplished something useful and prideful. “They both need a closure.”

He ran. He ran on his toes. He didn’t remember running this fast before. The adrenaline rush felt so great. He couldn’t stop his feet. He wanted to run, faster and even more. It was an amazing feeling in his stomach.

He has got to see her.

***

Cold. It was awfully cold, yet she didn’t know why. The sun was up in the sky, a simple decoration for the plain blue sky. There was no cloud, just plain baby blueness. It burnt, yet she felt so cold. She stood by the rocks, watching the waves crashed, and the wind blew. It caressed her cheeks and tangled her black locks. She shuddered each time it happened, perhaps the way it tickled her neck was discomforting. After all, she had cut her hair short and painted it black.

She stood for a bit more. Again, she questioned herself for staying there much longer. Was it the memories that were flashing back in her head? Or was it the unwillingness to come back home? She wanted some distraction or maybe she was just waiting. There were so much discomfort, yet she stayed. Her bare feet, somehow stuck on the wet stones. Her nose grew familiar to the salty scent.

“How long are you planning to stand there?” She sighed and muttered quietly, after a long silence.

She had not met him over seven months, but it did not mean she has forgotten everything about him and them. Some, despite her struggles to erase them, remained as sweet memories inside her. Her heart had stopped aching at some point in life, when she found brand new days were no longer pointless but hopeful. She didn’t know whether she had moved on or simply getting accustomed to the pain. She was pretty sure the latter fit so much more. So, when the familiar presence suddenly appeared, her thoughts processed everything real quick.

“A few more minutes, maybe.”

“I wouldn’t be so happy about that.”

“I know.”

They both changed, each realized. Lee Ji Eun had this icy cold tone on each of her words. Their conversation flow was different. It was short; it didn’t last for more than three minutes. Everything was cut short by her. She was unwilling to open up and he let her. She wasn’t the Lee Ji Eun he had known. She was cold, unhappy, unpleased, and hateful. She didn’t need him to tell her all of that; she felt hateful.

Kim Myungsoo, in the other hand, stopped caring. She found no sweetness in his voice. He wasn’t wary about anything. He wasn’t running away either. All he sought for wasn’t her love or kindness, it wasn’t her forgiveness either. He had come to find closure, no matter how bad the outcome would be. He wanted some closure and perhaps he had expected the outcome.

“You cut your hair short,” he remarked and a bittersweet smile tugged her lips up.

“I did,”

For a woman to cut her hair short – he speculated – she must have wanted a change. For most women, hair was probably their everything. Each of the memories was buried deep inside the length of each strand. So, for it to be cut off, they must have wanted a change. Clearly, it was the reason for Lee Ji Eun decision. She had cut her hair short to see some changes, to see the brand new world. It was the best decision he thought he had made. She… must have wanted to forget him.

“You want to forget me, don’t you?” he blurted without much thought and suddenly the pregnant pause doubled the tension in the air. Kim Myungsoo had to admit, she looked beautiful in her dress and fresh with her short hair. “Lee Ji Eun, I…”

“Don’t.”

She stopped him. She didn’t want to hear anymore apologies. She has had enough, anymore would only hurt even more. Perhaps it wasn’t of the exhaustion it caused – having to forgive and some demanded to be forgotten – it was more of the uncertainty. She wasn’t sure of whose mistake it was, whether it was hers or his. She wasn’t fully right; there was a hint of guilt – the guilt of running away. She didn’t fully blame him either. After taking her time to evolve in her thoughts, she realized he wasn’t at fault either.

She was gone, she disappeared back then. She didn’t spare him another thought of how he would be feeling. She was so afraid and stuck up in the fact that he hurt her for the nth time. They both weren’t even sure if they were still together. So, it was okay to date, to seek for help. He wasn’t completely wrong either. But damn, it hurt.

“You cut your hair short,” he noted.

The wind suddenly brushed against her neck, it grew cold and she shuddered. “Hm,” she hummed. He wrapped his dark blue jacket around her bare shoulder, noticing her constant shiver. He took a few steps backward, unsure of their comfort distance.

“You’re cold so take it,” he softly said. “So you came back.” He smiled, but there were hints of bitterness in his words. Was it too clear? Where this was going, they both knew it all too well that it hurt.

“Yeah,” she sighed and pressed her eyelids closed. The wind was discomforting yet pleasuring at the same time. At least, it kept the tension changed, in check. “I figure I need to come back before the rumors turn worse.”

“Where were you?”

“Lots of places.” She pulled his jacket tighter. “I move to Paris, then Venice, then I move back to Paris, then I book the latest plane ticket to London.” She let out a bitter laugh. “I met Hyuna-ssi.”

“Jieun, it’s –“

“I know.” Breath in, breath out. She was breathing fine, but something in her chest hurt. What she was about to say next would either be a regrettable decision or her turning point. Another pregnant paused, she swore she was so grateful for the temporary silence. “That’s why… Myungsoo-ah…”

He wanted to protest; he wanted to scream at her and yelled his lungs out. He wanted to swear upon the changes he could promise and the effort he had done to become a better person. He wanted to be given another chance to be by her side. While she was gone, he built himself up. He set his goals up high, only to become a suitable person by her side. Yes, at some point, it stopped. But then, seeing her so beautifully right in front of his very eyes, his feelings are back. He never truly forgets her. But none of those… came in form of words.

“Let’s break up,”

And then he struggled harder not to protest. He realized perhaps it was the best decision they both could come up with. Without her around, he knows being happy would be harder, but then he wouldn’t get hurt either. The constant pain caused by this ridiculous relationship will end. In the end, he couldn’t make her happy either. He promised her a thousand things – things he couldn’t fulfill and ended up breaking them. He was selfish and immature, he promised her a change, yet all he did was growing worse. He grew worse and it hurt her. She was too selfless and he was too selfish, perhaps the understanding grew tiring. So, yes, this could be for the best. He didn’t protest, despite his insides being turned upside down.

“I want to say that so badly,” Jieun continued when she found him unresponsive. This was expected. “Our relationship is insanity in the first place. I don’t think we both fit each other anymore. I’m still so afraid of everything, Myungsoo. You’re so adventurous about everything. So, let’s break up.” Her voice was cracking. She was torn.

“Okay,”

“Okay,” she muttered tiredly. She sighed, ready to turn her heels and ran away. She has been running away, she wasn’t proud, but she wasn’t ready to face it either. “Goodbye, Myung –“

Was it how it would feel like; having butterfly in your stomach? She didn’t remember how it exactly happened, she’d like to forget it, but she remembered all the feelings that filled her up. Everything grew from a pitch-black darkness to a complete dizzying white. She was in his embrace, his face buried in her neck, her face met his chest. She could feel his sizzling breath against the crook of her neck and it tickled. She felt red and hot at the same time, her stomach dangled. It felt nice, yet wrong. The warmth was so comforting, yet wrong.

“Myung –“

He wouldn’t let her speak another word. It was the last time he would ever hold her and he wouldn’t let anyone ruin it. He wanted to savor the moment; how it felt like to have her petite body in his arms, to overwhelm her with his warmth, to be overwhelmed by her presence, to be filled with her scent. He shut her up, in the quickest yet sneakiest way that passed through his head. It was innocent, completely innocent. He pecked her lips. A simple gesture to shut her up, but also to add everything else he had been dreading for.

Her lips was soft and pink. It didn’t taste of cherry or strawberries, it didn’t tasted like blueberry or raspberry either. It tasted how lips would tasted, plain yet soft. He could feel the pinkish lipstick on her lips. He’d have some of her lipstick stains, but he didn’t care. He pressed her lips for a mere two seconds. The petite body in his arm froze for a moment, too surprise or too angry perhaps. But Kim Myungsoo no longer cares.

“Shhh… don’t talk,” he whispered so closely in her ears. “I love you and you love me, we are so in love and nothing has happened.” He buried his face on her neck again, inhaling her scent. He didn’t know what it was, it smelled feminine and nice. It wasn’t anything to sweet or too sassy. “Think of it that way, please.”

If it was that way, then everything would be so perfect.

***

“You weren’t in your room,”

“I wasn’t.” Jieun nodded silently. She was wandering around the streets, when she found the private beach in her hotel can somehow be comforting. “I was here, the whole time.”

“Thinking?”

“Thinking.”

“Hn.” He murmured and plopped beside her. She was still wearing her yellow floral dress, with a dark-blue jacket covering her bare shoulder. He knew it wasn’t hers, but he wouldn’t ask. Lee Ji Eun hasn’t been Lee Ji Eun; that much was clear. “What are you thinking about?”

“Life?” He blurted out and followed her empty gaze, through the horizon. The sky was a beautiful shade of orange, yellow, and pink, slightly bluish, and the emerald beach looked so beautiful in the picture. “You’re going to get old spending your time thinking about life. No matter how hard you think, there will always be something else about life to think about.”

“I know,”

“You’re not being the Lee Ji Eun I knew.”

“Oppa,” she glared. “It’s just… I have so much thought in mind, everything feels to heavy. I thought I have planned it through and think it through so nicely, everything is expected. I even expect to get hurt, but this…” She sighed and hugged her knees. “This hurt so much more.”

“You remind me of my golden days,” He laughed quietly and his smile broke into an idiotic grin. There was no sadness in it, as his mind flashed back to the old memories he used to have. “So much mistakes, so much shame, so much idiots, so much… of everything, so much regret. But when you think about it, there’s really nothing to regret. If one of those didn’t happen, I doubt I’d be me. I doubt I’d be me, a me that I can be proud of. So, let it flow. Don’t think.”

“I know,”

“When you are just learning how to walk, it’s okay to fall down and scrap your knee until it no longer hurt. Even then, it’s okay to get lost. Just don’t stop walking.”

“I know,”

***

He had expected this. He had expected the word to escape her lips and everything to crumble down. He even prepared himself for it. He prepared to be wounded, to be broken-hearted, and to be strong despite all of it. And again, how many times has it happened? It wasn’t their first time breaking up, and each was followed by another chances. Their relationship was not only an endless cycle of hurt and hurting, but also a cycle of chances. It was rather usual, to suffer from a broken heart, then being tended by each other continuous love. He knew that much, but each always hurt worse than before. Today, it hurt the worst.

When he made his way back to the airport, due to the schedules he had to attend later at night, his judgment was clouded and he felt very empty. Something was drained out, yet a man he was, that he didn’t want to admit it. Today’s break up was different than before. He knew he had run out of chances and she wouldn’t give him another one. He knew it was a decision for the best, something she had thoroughly thought about. The pain was expected, but how great it was… was unexpected.

He has been sleeping without her for the past 7 months. He has been enjoying meals without her constantly passing through his head. He has been smiling so brightly on stage without thinking about her well-being. He has been more than fine without her, for the past 7 months, hasn’t he? Yet that was not the case. Something inside him, despite his constant refusal of admittance, was hoping she would return and everything will be back to normal. It just didn’t happen.

He deserved this, the painful break up and everything. After all, he reminded again, he had given nothing to her but constant heartbreak and pain. His promises hurt her. He sought for closure and she has given him one. The closure to their relationship was a break up, in which he didn’t protest or even begged her to return. Was it his pride? Or was it his knowledge of this might be the best for two? His trains of thoughts were stopped abruptly, when he arrived at the airport. Then, continued for hours. He looked lifeless, yet he didn’t really know why.

He wasn’t even sure about the feeling that urged and built up inside him. It was pain, clearly a side-effect of a break up: heartache. But then, it was mixed with others, feelings he hadn’t felt before. Yes, his chest felt heavy and it grew heavier, but something inside also grew lighter. He knew he’d live well without her and probably it would take him a few more months before everything completely heals. He knew he was capable of healing his own wounds; to move on and live his life to the fullest. He also knew she’d be just fine, perhaps even better than she was. He was only a burden after all. He didn’t know whether he was relieved or sad.

The trip back to Seoul did not take more than an hour. He remembered staring out the window, as if he was flying between clouds and imagining how soft they would feel, despite them being just bundles of water. When he looked down (despite how terrifying it was), the world looked so simple and wonderful. The small houses looked so nice and cozy, the world looked so peaceful. Living in such a world must feel blissful. He saw no bickers, no pain, nothing to be sad about. Irony, he felt so different once he landed.

Memories of the two of them, the moments they managed to live, moments they didn’t manage to create, surfaced. It was sweet, yet now most of them struck him hard. There was something suppressing his feeling. Moments he didn’t manage to create was harder to remember. He didn’t manage to take her out for dates, to take her out for world tour, to take her out for romantic dinner. He wondered if she know, things he didn’t manage to do for her.

The case of this break up wasn’t how he was going to handle it. Seven months without even knowing where she was, he learnt a life without her. To live another forty or fifty years without her was… affordable. The case of this break up was the will. Was he willing to live a life without her? Would it be okay to address each other as exes if they met again someday? Would he be happy? Most of all: does he want to live a life without her?

When the plane landed, he didn’t go back to the dorm. Instead, he booked another plane tickets heading for Jeju. He was coming back. He hasn’t said so many things to her and he realized he didn’t. He didn’t and he doesn’t want to live a life without her. She’d be hurt by it, he knew. He hasn’t changed that much either, he knew. But he was going to be persistent on this one. He was convinced: she needed to know.

His feet took him where his heart belongs to. It was cliché, indeed, but he found nothing to regret. In fact, he’d have done the same thing again. A knock on the wooden door, he found the petite figure still wearing the same yellow floral dress. Her hair was somehow messy, the black locks were scattered. Her eyes looked sad and gloomy. He didn’t know whether he should feel happy or sad about it. But yes, knowing her being so affected over their break up made him happy. She still cared.

It wasn’t how most woman wish it happen. In fact, it was the worst scenario a man could think of, and the worst scenario a woman could experience. It was a rainy night. He didn’t know why it would rain, when the weather forecast told it’d be clear tonight. The full moon would be beautiful tonight and it would lighten the darkness. But it didn’t, the moon was covered with thick clouds and the street was wet.

“Marry me.”