Will it be too much? Will it be burdensome? After all, it came from someone they need to keep their distance with. Jieun couldn’t help but wonder if she shouldn’t have done such a thing. Was it the right thing to do? She wondered if it could make them happy. When they opened the box, would they show a cheerful smile of gratitude or will it be a bittersweet one? She has been thinking too much, she knew it, but she couldn’t help but to think even more.

She bought cookies down the street, her latest favorite snacks ever since she debuted as a singer. It tasted as if it was home-made, filled with love and sincerity. She loved them. She has gone through what they will be going through later one, the down and the ups of the entertainment industry. It was heavy, filled with burden and at times heartbreaking. She would consider them as lucky, their debut went smoothly and they received lots of love. They will be holding on to each other, as seven people. While to her, it was her alone, standing in this big stage, with people trying to stumble her.

Her body ached; she hasn’t been resting well these days. Even during her breaks, things always occupied her mind. She couldn’t take them off her mind, how her life eventually changes, wondering if she has made the right choices, and wondering how Kim Myungsoo has been doing. These days, it felt as if she was carrying the whole world on her shoulder, heavy and burdensome. And again, she will have to deal with all the articles surrounding her, and at times the malicious comments were the only thing she could feed on. Her company has warned her not to look at the internet anymore, but still she couldn’t help but to grow curious of it.

She settled herself at the park, a few meters away from the broadcasting building. It was old and abandoned, the flowers grew wild. It was messy, but Jieun loved it. How she could have sometime on her own, just to be her, the Lee Ji Eun, not the singer IU. She wanted to be ordinary at times, because leading an extraordinary life could be tiring. She sighed, leaning against the old bench. Will it be burdensome? Again, the thoughts occupied her mind.

The sky showed a shade of grey. It was spring and Jieun wondered how it kept raining every now and then. She was still dressed in her MC outfit, but hidden behind her trench coat. Her makeup hasn’t been removed; she put on glasses to hide her identity. She leaned back and inhales deeply, it was refreshing yet painful. When was the last time she could relax and smile whole heartedly? Why did living become so painful? She was tired of everything, she wanted to break away.

“Sunggyu-ssi?” Jieun was startled when her phone vibrated, cutting her train of thoughts. She never expected Sunggyu to call, especially after what he had said back then. Distance.

“I hope my gifts weren’t too burdensome. I was in a hurry.”

“No, Jieun-ssi. We’re very happy.”

“Are you sure it’s not too burdensome? After all…”

“Nope. Not at all...”

“Say, Sunggyu-ssi..”

“Yeah?”

“Have I… always been that much burdensome?”

***

“Where are you?”

“I’m…. nowhere…”

She remembered the feeling that creep up to her, as she sighed deeply after Sunggyu ended the call. Sunggyu sounded very worried just now, asking where she was. By then, she realized she was nowhere. It didn’t feel like she belongs anywhere, she lost the place where she belonged to. Again, the feeling creep up to her, causing the knots in her stomach to tighten. She remembered sneaking out to their waiting room, placing the box inside, as she sneak out in a hurry. She did not have any schedules left for the day, yet being around them felt weird. She… shouldn’t have any more business with them. It ended, a hundred and forty-five days ago.

They will be missing home, she thought, as her thoughts deepen even more. Tough journey awaits before them, and Jieun knew home will be everything they will ever long for. She was someone who has never felt home, yet she grew missing them, as she grew bigger in this industry. She wondered if Myungsoo will be able to handle it well, because even at times she would feel like running away from everything. Kim Myungsoo and Lee Ji Eun, they both have never felt like home.

“Jieun-ssi!” A man voice called out, waking her up from her daydream. She was putting a blank expression on.

“Sung…gyu?”

She was shocked, yet she knew something was wrong about the man. Something in his expression wasn’t right; it didn’t fit to his casual facial features. It seemed he was hiding something. Or was it something about what she had just said? She didn’t know, her brain seemed to be shutting down after too much thinking. But she knew something was wrong.

She didn’t know it was coming, but it flowed naturally. She could see it clearly, pain reflected from his eyes, worries and anxiety, as if she had just resurrected a part of him which was filled with scars. She remembered how he opened up to her back then, about the woman he used to love. Jieun knew that look, it was the way Myungsoo would look at her when she was sick, the way Wooyoung looked at her back when he realized she was already in love with someone else, the way…. Woohyun would take care of her. She reminded him of her.

He grab her wrist harshly, for a “weak” leader, he was stronger than what she had expected. He pulled her up, forcing her to stand up, before pulling her to a heart-warming hug. She was shocked, her body tense, as if her mind was blown away. This is wrong, she still chained her heart to Kim Myungsoo, and clearly Sunggyu heart was still chained to the woman he used to love. So why were they hugging each other? But Jieun knew, she reminded him too much of her, that he lost it.

“Sung…gyu?”

“You have never been too much. You are not burdensome. Keep that in mind.”

The way he spoke showed her how fragile he was. Despite the strong-willed and charismatic leader he had to act out, he had a fragile side. His voice trembled, as he tightens his hug around her. Jieun knew she had opened a fresh wound inside him. She was guilty, yet it happened all the time as one continues to live. She opened others scars as other opened her scars. She just realized, she was trapped in this endless cycle of living, and the fact that the hurt and hurting cycle was something unpredictable and unavoidable. She will continue to get hurt, the way she might unconsciously hurt other.

“Don’t ever say something like that again.”

***

What he had just done, the hug, immediately put them in an awkward position. Especially when Kim Sunggyu knew how she was an ex of his friend and how they both still chained their heart toward each other, despite it being improbable. But Lee Ji Eun – now that he got to know her more – was more than a cunning and charming lady. He had said the right thing  back then, that he needed to find a woman the way Kim Myungsoo find this beautiful figure.

Jieun hasn’t removed her makeup yet, but she used enough accessories to hide her identity. Sunggyu brought her to a small coffee shop downtown, which caused her to miss the old days even more. The coffee shop seemed to resemble her favorite, and the time they used to spend together. Jieun sighed and smiled bitterly. Oh, memories.

“I…” Sunggyu started off. “You know, I had a girlfriend before. She foolishly dated me, knowing I was a gangster.” He laughed, but Jieun could feel the bitterness oozing out. “She wanted to date me normally, she wanted to follow me everywhere…. She was sweet and I was in love with her, I still do.”

The INFINITE, she wondered what actually bond them. How much pain were they bearing inside? Hoya, the fact that he was hurt over how he had once hurt her. Myungsoo, the fact that he was hurt over his sister death, and again it was something she caused. But that was all she knew about the INFINITE. What was the other hiding?

“One day, she wanted to… follow me around… I was about to fight with another gang. I keep refusing to take her out, refusing to let her follow me around.” He continued. “And suddenly, she burst in tears, asking me if she was too much for me. I wanted her to be safe, so I told her she was too much for me. It will be burdensome to see each other, I had other things to take care too.” He crushed the cup of coffee. “And the next thing I knew was her… gone.”

He stopped for a while, holding back the tears that were threatening to fall. She kept her lips shut, letting the silence to take over them. Jieun knew at times comfort and words of consolation could be a wrong form of comforting. She had learn a lot about them. Kim Myungsoo was one kind of a man, and she was a woman with wounds. She understands. She understood.

“I guess,” he smiled bitterly. “I’ll just have to find someone, the way Myungsoo finds you.”

The way Kim Myungsoo finds me?

“The way… Kim Myungsoo finds me?” Jieun stated back, but the man refused to open up. Instead, he gave her a reassuring smile and leaned back.

“The way Kim Myungsoo finds you, Lee Ji Eun. Someday… you will know.”

Jieun pressed her lips and silently frowned after his statement. She looked down, taking a sip of her chamomile tea. “It may never happen. We broke up.” She smiled ever so bitterly, as if she was about to break soon.

“Jieun-ssi,” his tone of voice was deeper, signaling how he wanted to drift the conversation to a rather serious one. “Will you give him another chance?”

Silence… she couldn’t answer the question, as it was the sole question that had been occupying her mind. Her heart was tired of getting hurt, yet the heart was foolish. It wanted to accept him again and again, despite being broken countless time. While her brain seemed to be smarter and rather rational. No, she wouldn’t give him another chance of a next time. Yet why did it hurt so much?

“He still loves you. You need to know that. And I know you still love him.”

She will never know, and he too will never know how much they meant to each other. She will never know how much he loved her, and she will never knew what truly lived inside his heart. He, too, will never know what she has been hiding behind her facades. Whether her heart still belonged to him or whether he still chained his heart to her, they will never know. She pressed her lips and bit her lower lips, messing her lipstick.

“I… do not know Sunggyu-ssi.” She exhales. “I do not know. I don’t think I’d… want to date someone anymore. Especially when… it hurt so much.”

“You’re not giving him any more chances?”

“I’m sorry.”

***

The conversation went on for quite a while, until Jieun realized it was about time to return back to her dorm, and Sunggyu has to return to their waiting room. The member must have been worried, since he went missing after one phone call.

“Sunggyu-ssi, this is for you,” Jieun handed him a bag of cookies. “You will need this in the future. Our job is tough, tougher than you think. You’re the leader; you’ll be having a hard time. There will be times you long for home.”

Sunggyu smiled, showing his gratitude as he walked away. “Jieun-ssi,” he stopped his steps, halfway through the door. “Sometimes… we forget trivial things, maybe it was about time for us to rewind back time, remembering how trivial things actually meant a lot.”

That was how… Kim Myungsoo finds you.

***

“Hyung! Hyung!” Myungsoo was drunk, “you went to see Jieun, why?! She was there, in my grasp, but why can’t I reach her?! This… isn’t fair!!”

He was drunk, he was yelling at their leader. The members immediately took him to his room, and lied him down. They knew it has been a tiring day for all of them, with their debut and a bunch of preparations for their promotion. But most of all, it has been tough on Kim Myungsoo. He saw her, yet he couldn’t reach out to her. They all know how much Jieun meant to the man. Even Nam Woohyun has to admit, Kim Myungsoo needed Lee Ji Eun even more than how he was.

Sunggyu ruffled his hair and sighed, mentally slapping himself for not telling Myungsoo that he went to see Jieun earlier. Myungsoo must have been depressed knowing Sunggyu went to see her without telling him. Yes, he had no right to mingle with Jieun’s relationship, but Sunggyu should have known how much Myungsoo loved her.

“Myungsoo-ah,” Sunggyu whispered, seeing how Myungsoo was dragged to his room. “What will happen to you without her?” She didn’t know how much she meant to you, or the way you find her.

***

It echoed in the back of her mind, what Sunggyu had said earlier, at the coffee shop. What kind of trivial things has she forgotten? Was it something regarding her relationship with Kim Myungsoo? She was known to be humble; she remembered little trivial things, to keep her on the ground. She has been a very kind woman. Yet what was it that she has forgotten? The little trivial things…

“Park Jiyeon.”

“Jieunnie, what’s wrong?”

“Uhh, nothing. I just had a lot in mind.”

“It’s not nothing. You’re sighing loudly as if you’re carrying the whole world.”

“Sunggyu… I met Sunggyu just now. The INFINITE debuted today. I was surprised. And he said something… that was bothering me.”

“Jieunnie, why don’t you come to my place and chat? Come on, I’m bored! Seung Ho didn’t even bother to contact me, even after I flew to the other side of the world.” Jiyeon rolled her eyes.

Jieun had to say it was a great idea. She packed some stuff, as she went out to meet her friend. Staying at home with such darker thoughts occupying her mind wasn’t a good thing. Jiyeon has told her before to open up. Jieun has been the type to keep everything on her own and it was something her best friend wasn’t very fond of. She told her, one day everything will be too much for one person to handle.

“He told me something about how Myungsoo find me. He asked me whether I’d give Myungsoo a second chance.” Jieun continued, they sat down in front the TV, while watching some movies.

“And…?”

“I told him I wouldn’t. I couldn’t, Park Jiyeon. He meant a lot to me, but I can’t bear going through the cycle again. I was afraid. What if something likes this happen again? This is tiring.”

“Jieunnie…”

“Sunggyu told me… that I have grown to forget trivial things. Trivial things that actually meant a lot.” She sighed, “Have I truly grown to forget those? I didn’t even know what he actually meant, Jiyeon.”

Was not giving him another chance right?