She was perfection. She was everything and perfect. What is perfection? Perfection is something unachievable. Humanity lacks perfection. Human lacks perfection. Thus, no one is supposed to be perfect. But she was perfection. Was it even possible to achieve perfection? It was impossible, wasn’t it? If one is perfection, then they are not human. Humanity lacks perfection, imperfection makes human. So, why was she perfection?

All her life, she has been pushed to be perfect. She was pushed to be perfect, no matter how hard it was. She chased for perfection, knowing it was impossible. Now, why would she? Her mother wanted a perfect daughter, the world demanded her to be perfect, she became a role model even when she didn’t ask for it. So, she has to be perfect. She learned to be perfect. Perfection silently killed her, it hurt her. Chasing for something impossible will be followed by certain consequences.

Because she was perfect, no one wanted to talk to her. They all feel she would be too much, a person in a whole different level. They looked down upon themselves and looked up on her. She brought her title everywhere, her “Ms. Perfect” title. She had no friends and no one to talk to, thanks to her perfection. It was either people had too much respect or they hated her for being so perfect. So, was she perfect?

She looked perfect, as how a woman should. How do people describe a perfect woman? In any case, they would describe a perfect woman as a beautiful, feminine, kind-hearted, smart, independent, soft, gentle – simply lovely. She forced herself to be such a woman, to be beautiful, to be feminine, to be kind-hearted, to be smart and open-minded, to be gentle and soft. She was independent. She learnt to be lovely. She was lovely. She was perfect, wasn’t she?

No, she was not. She was perfect, perhaps, to many people but not to herself. She was far from perfect. She has so much thought in mind. Her life was tough, she lived alone with her sister without any motherly or fatherly love. She only had a sister and no one else. No one wanted to be her friends, no one talk to her. She carried so many burdens with people looking up on her. She carried so many burdens with many eyes staring at her. She was so shy, most people counted it as her charms, but she hated it. She has never had an easy life. So what was perfect about her life? Nothing was perfect about her life.

She had this perfect title around her and a perfect aura, so she couldn’t be frank with what was in her head. She held it in, dug in deeper inside, and in the end it became a painful wounds or forgotten. She tried her best not to explode. Because she tried so hard to become perfect, she never had to apologize for anything. People forgive her, people apologized to her. She never made a mistake and it was troublesome. It took years to become perfect, yet a second was enough to tear everything down. The world was that cruel.

Apology, she has never begged for one. Of course, she has said sorry countless time, not for apologis, but for politeness. When she give it a thought, then apologies actually means nothing. People keep apologizing while repeating the same mistakes. Apology, in the end, does not heal a wound. Apology guarantees no forgiveness. She realized what heals the pain was not an apology but a forgiveness. At times, apology could be a selfish thing to do, to chase away the guilt.

A lot of people had begged for her apology. Back in high school, the INFINITE and Myungsoo begged for her forgiveness, her sister, her bestfriends, her maids and assistant. She grew up in a world where forgiveness and apologies are a daily thing, whether they meant it or not. A few has never said sorry to her, her mother and her long-lost rival, Suzy. It was never necessary for her to say sorry, so when everything suddenly blew up and she made a mistake, she did not know how to ask for one. How does she suppose to say sorry? How does apology work?

When she thought about apologies, of how she should fix things with Myungsoo, of how people owed her apologies, of how she owed people apologies, she met her long-lost rival, Bae Suzy, in the most surprising way. They haven’t met for four years. They weren’t close to begin with. They often get caught up in fights. Lee Ji Eun was not fond of this woman, especially after what she did to her sister. She almost came to hate her, if her “Ms. Perfect” title didn’t wail on her. During the two years she was gone from high school, Bae Suzy did not change much either. She was mean and she snatched her ex-boyfriend.

So, when they met again in the set of the upcoming drama, Suzy as the lead roles and Jieun as the supporting actress, her day had just gotten worse. Jieun was not daring enough to think how they would interact. She swears her kind-hearted heart and pure mind had just accused Suzy of being arrogant, the next time they met on set. The two was silent, barely having any conversation on the set, and the awkward aura was all over the place. Lee Ji Eun met another friend or maybe three other co-workers, whom name she often swapped. Nothing was perfect or even right.

Wooyoung, too, hasn’t stopped apologizing since the day they started shooting. They were supposed to be romanticly involved in the drama. How would she be able to portray it nicely with him being awkward around her? He couldn’t stop apologizing and feeling guilty. Jieun tried to calm him down, yet his apologies became more often and louder. She could feel stares coming out from the staff. The set was never in a good mood, with all the awkwardness surrounding it.

Lee Ji Eun, too, aside from having to deal with Suzy and Wooyoung, has a lot going on with her stage fright. There were times she would flunk on her acting and the director would yell at her. There were times she felt so anxious and frightened that she froze. She didn’t realize there would be so many eyes and staffs watching over her. She became very self-concious, often ended up badly. Of course, others were being yelled at from time to time. Still, she felt completely dejected.

Sleep deprivation was another thing she needed to deal with. In fact, it was what every idols need to deal with. She hasn’t been sleeping well with a studio album coming up, tighter schedules, drama filmings, variety shows, and interview. She barely had the time to eat, she lost almost seven pounds in two weeks. She was just that close to collapsing. What she did not know was how much sleep deprivation could interfere with her work. It was playing around with her emotion, in a way she had never imagined. She almost exploded three times in the past seven days. She found it unhealthy.

Nowadays, after her fight with Myungsoo, waking up in the morning has not been pleasant. He did not text her any good morning greetings or leave any message and calls behind. It has been two weeks since they fought and none of them had tried to conctact each other. Lee Ji Eun was scared and upset; she did not know how she was supposed to face him while her mood was on a rollercoaster ride. She was afraid she might, once again, explode. Was exploding wrong?

She inhaled deeply and exhaled loudly, three times was enough for her to stop everything she had in mind and focused on her work. She did not have any time to deal with other stuff she had in mind. She should act well, so today schedule can end early. She sat near the lightning stands with her staff busy trying to fix her make-up well. In ten minutes, she knew they would start scrambling all over the place and she would start feeling lonely. She was thankful the weather was warmer, since summer will soon began. Inhaling deeply, she could hear her staff footsteps, scrambling all over the place. When she opened her eyes, she was all alone again.

“15 minutes left for break!” She heard the PD yelled. She sighed, again.

“Coffee?” She was surprised to see Suzy offering her a canned-coffee.

“Uh, I don’t really drink coffee.” Jieun forced a smile, nevertheless accepted it.

“Really? Oh, come on! I walk all the way to the convenient store and bought more than usual just for you.” She clicked the canned opened and sipped it. “You should start drinking one though. I’m barely awake without them.”

“Uh, well, thanks.” Jieun forced a smile while opening it.

“You never change, do you?” Suzy laughed awkwardly. “This is so awkward, meeting you after… four or five years? You look really trouble lately.”

“Things happen and they keep spinning in my head. It’s driving me crazy.” Jieun sipped the coffee and scrunched her nose, it was too sweet. “Frankly, I don’t like it here. You’re another thing that drives me insane.”

“You do change!” She exclaimed. “Nasty!”

“Sleep deprivation change people.” Jieun jokingly replied.

“Thank me for the coffee,then. The coffee is bad though.” She looked at the brand, trying to remember not to buy it next time. “So how are you and Myungsoo? That man is one of a kind. Who knows the three of us… will be idols.”

“Uh, we’re… not dating each other anymore…” Jieun awkwardly replied. “And we just fight. I exploded… and I’m really confused right now.” She sighed, “How about you? Dating anyone?”

“Me, dating? Uh, I dated about ten guys in college and none work out.” Suzy rolled her eyes. “It’s either I’m too much or they’re too much. Can’t believe you’re not dating Myungsoo anymore. He was crazy over you. And I think you should fix things up.”

“How?”

“Say you’re sorry or something! But oh, forget it. You’re not dating him anymore, are you? So can I snatch him away?” She laughed awkwardly. When she saw Jieun forced a smile and shifted her gaze somewhere else, Suzy chocked on her coffee. “I was just joking! I owed you lots of apologies, so I won’t snatch him. Sorry for what I did back in high school, though. Not actually sorry, but still sorry, you know?”

“Well, it’s fine. It’s fine.” Jieun smiled and sipped her coffee again, while Suzy decided to toss it away. It tasted bad.

“Uh, don’t drink the coffee anymore;” Suzy snatched it from her, “it tastes really bad.” She tossed it to the trash can which make Jieun laugh.

Bae Suzy wasn’t so bad, after all.

***

Lee Ji Eun realized her mother’s reason for forcing her to join the drama. She found out recently, how the customs and make-ups would be supported by her mother’s brand. She was not paying attention to the clothes she wore, until her stylist brought her to beautiful white dress. The design was not too complex; the designer taste was wonderful and classy, somehow similar to her mom’s. When she decided to dig deeper, she realized it was indeed her mom’s. It upset her, somehow. If people found out, the misunderstanding would be great. She could come crashing down.

But she found something else outrageous. Why did it have to be Wooyoung? Her mother could have randomly casted someone else, better actors who have been acting over the years. Jang Wooyoung was an entrepreneur, a young businessman who barely knows anything about entertainment industry, especially broadcasting. Jieun watched him struggle at each steps, she watched him dragging so much burden around, with work and acting, also with him feeling guilty over what happened. He always got yelled at, Jieun disliked it.

“Have you made up with Myungsoo?” Suzy came to her once the PD announced another thirty minutes break. The two girls have been getting along well this past two weeks. The awkwardness was still there, but the relationship was much better.

“Not yet,” Jieun sighed again. “I tried calling him but he didn’t pick up. He’s angry, I guess.”

“You know, we’re having a reunion party in two weeks.” Suzy handed her an invitation, pink, as catchy as it could get. “I hope you can come with him.”

“I will try, but no promises, okay?” Jieun smiled and took it over. “I don’t think we would come together. We need to keep it as low as possible.”

“I thought the two of you are not dating!”

“We are not. We got caught up in this certain situation and… it’s a bit complicated.” Jieun grimaced and Suzy raised an eyebrow at her. “Okay, it’s very complicated, actually.”

“So, have you told him about the scene you are having today?”

“Scene? What scene?”

“Oh my, Lee Ji Eun, you didn’t know?! The…” she leaned closer and whispered, “scene…”

“I thought the scene was cancelled?” Jieun started flipping the pages on her script and scribbled on it. “Wooyoung, the PD, and I all agreed we are not going to do it.”

“Well, one of the sponsors insisted.” Suzy shrugged. “The one who sponsors our costums.” Her mom. But why?

“I need to talk to the PD right now… and Wooyoung too.” Jieun rushed and packed her things. “I will see you later.”

“Hey,” Suzy stopped her steps, “I always know who you are, Jieun, ever since the beginning. That’s why I was so mean to you. I know why you leave, I know why you sign up for this drama, I know everything. Don’t you think it’s about time to step up against her?”

Should she?

***

What she did next was nuinsance. She was surprised herself and Wooyoung couldn’t face her afterwards. Once she finished her scene, the staff clapped. It took them countless takes to finish the simplest and shortest scene of the day. It was past midnight and the weather was quite chilly, everyone was tired and freezing. They wanted them, Jieun and Wooyoung, to finish their scene as quickly as possible. Jieun tried to be as comfortable as she could but Wooyoung keep on being uncomfortable. Jieun understood it, but she was tired too.

It’s two weeks without any greetings or contacts from Myungsoo. She tried to call him, but it didn’t reach him. It went straight to voicemail. She would leave them anyway, but he never called her back and it scared her. She knew how dangerous and scary he could be once he was angry but he had never acted this way. Truthfully, they had just made up; Jieun had lots in mind and lots of fear. What if this ends up with another cycle of hurt and hurting? And what she did was a nuinsance, a nuinsance that will made him angrier. While Wooyoung’s mind was occupied by guilty and uncomforts, hers was filled with how angry her soon-to-be-boyfriend would be.

She knew she should have visited him in person, but her sleep deprivation was harming her mood. So, when she had the time to rest well, she decided to stay home and sleep. She couldn’t risk coming to their dorm and exploded like the last time. She easily exploded these days. She shouldn’t explode or else things might turn out worse. She needed time and hopefully Myungsoo understood it. Kim Myungsoo has never understood. She was anxious.

Their scene finally reaches perfection when it was two o’clock in the morning and Jieun was exhausted. Although her exhaustion was better, still she was tired. Her manager drive her home. Tomorrow’s schedule would be empty. She was granted a day of rest after almost two weeks of a non-stop activity. Maybe, her agency has finally realized sleep played an important part in health. And at night, she went to Myungsoo’s dorm, trying to explain everything.

As Suzy said, what she needed to do was to apologize before explaining every single reason of why he shouldn’t be mad at her. Yet how do we apologize? She was lost in her thoughts that she ended up standing still by the dorm’s front door, hoping the fans wouldn’t recognize her presence at all. She covered herself in a black hoodie with her face covered with her cap. She looked suspicious and halfly regretted her decision of coming today. Since when did she become so impulsive and unprepared?

When she knocked on the door, he suddenly popped out, scaring her. She wondered why he kept popping out each time she knocked on the door. Her brain was somehow dysfunctional with his sudden presence, keeping her lips sealed. What was she supposed to say? She couldn’t even state a word. All she did was to stare at him while he stared back. He was supposed to be angry; instead he looked very shock with her sudden appearance.

His eyes were unreadable, it was dark and sad, surprised. He simply stared at her with his dark orbs, without any single word escaping his lips. Jieun was anxious. He had never looked at her that way. His eyes were so dark and black, it sparkled, while hers was brown-clear. They spent the next few minutes staring at each other eyes so lovingly, although the tension was high enough. Jieun could feel her heart beating loudly and an odd feeling rushing through her. What should she say?

“I’m sorry,” she said it. “Myungsoo, I’m sorry.” She meant it. “I’m sorry. I really am. I shouldn’t have said it. You’re someone I care about. You can tell me what you think. I shouldn’t have exploded and yelled at you. I’m sorry I hurt you. It’s just… I…”

“Shhh…” He put his index finger on her lips and lean closer to kiss her cheek. “I’m sorry too. I love you.” He whispered while she remained silent. “I know you are having a tough time. It’s okay.”

“I’m sorry,”

“It’s okay. Now, from now on, I want you to tell me whatever you are facing and whatever you are thinking. Okay?” He holds both her shoulder and stared at her eyes so lovingly. His eyes were dark and black, but gentle.

“Okay.”

“I forgive you, Jieun. You don’t even have to say sorry.” He leaned again and kissed her cheek. “I love you.” He hugged her.

“You will forgive me for everything that I did?”

“Yes. I love you, Jieun.”

“Okay. Since you will forgive me,” Jieun inhaled deeply and grinned. “I filmed a kiss scene with Wooyoung today!” She exclaimed and it sounded as if she was very pleased with it.

“You what?!”

She wondered if Jiyeon was fighting with Seung Ho at the other side of the world.