When he woke up in the morning, she was completely gone. He couldn’t find her presence or traces of her. She was completely gone. You would never know how relieved he was, to find no ring being attached to her fingers. He held her hand, being so careful of touching the cold metallic ring that may be attached onto her fingers, but he found none. She didn’t marry anyone and he was so relieved. He thought, her being someone else might be for the best, but it was a lie. He had to be the one. He wanted to be the one.

Lee Ji Eun, in the other hand, was troubled over what Myungsoo told her that night. She didn’t return home. A new routine she developed after going through so much stress, wandering alone in the middle of the night, she did it again. Once Myungsoo was asleep, she slipped away. Her feet brought her nowhere, she wander around without any clear goal. She needed to clear her mind. The thoughts need to stop for a while or else she might explode. Everything was confusing.

There was no peace or harmony living inside her. She was under so much pressure, aside from her career. Complicated, everything was a mess all over the place. Her conscience and her brain was not in a sync, one protesting against another. She didn’t know which she should listen to. Her brain protested on getting back with him, yet her heart was obviously against it. She was still in love with him, after all. She thought there will not be a day where she would regret falling in love with him, but these days regrets filled her head. She regretted it and it was a painful thing.

She wander, further away from the busy city and deeper to the silence of the night. She walked for a very long time in a daze. Her head was not exactly working. She might be lost somewhere soon. Under the tall street lights and the dimmed moon light, she found her peace. The wind that gently brushed against her skin was soothing, as if it was whispering comforts for her. Jieun took a deep breath as she sat down on a bench, the bus station. It was empty.

He said it. He said what she wanted to hear. Not all of it, but at least she heard what needed to be said. Before, she was so convinced on ending everything, and now she wanted to give him another chance. Would she be a fool to be giving him another chance? For god’s sake, he hurt her again and again! They kept saying promises, they kept saying they would give each other time, they kept saying the love each other, yet why… were they hurting each other? Would he hurt her again? She couldn’t believe in him anymore. Her trust was once again being tested. She never trust anyone and breaking her trust would hurt her deeply. He hurt her, deeply.

But his sincerity was scary. She couldn’t stand his eyes, the painful gaze he showed her. When he held her hand and stared right through her brown orbs, his looked so sad and painful. His apologies sounded so sincere and she knew he was being sincere. He was hurt, too. He regretted it a lot, hurting her. Still, she needed time. She needed to break away from all this mess. She told him to wait, but would he? It had been this way for a long time, waiting. They waited and waited and broke up, and waited again.

Nam Woohyun knew what Myungsoo told his crush would trouble her, so he followed her wandering around in the middle of the night. He was about to run up to her and scold her. She was a girl, a girl isn’t supposed to wander at midnight, especially alone. Yet her expression was so stiff and sad that he quietly followed her. She looked so trouble and it was obvious her confusion belong to Myungsoo. Lee Ji Eun had never fallen in love so deeply. She was a clever and rational woman, so when something irrational and crazy came to her, she became tangled between what she thinks right and wrong.

She shuddered when the wind suddenly turned cold and brushed against her. She was only wearing an oversize thin-jacket that belonged to Woohyun and it wasn’t enough to warm her up. Once she felt a slight tap on her shoulder and how warm her body became, she looked up to find her best friend standing in front of her. He stared down at her with worried and sad eyes. Quietly, he sat down beside her and held her hands. Something about him had changed; Jieun could feel it in her bones. Everybody changed, she thought.

“Are you okay?” Woohyun patted her head and twirled her hair with his index fingers. He faintly smiled at her. His eyes told her he wanted something more than what she could give him. Jieun silently nodded.

“I was just thinking about something.” Jieun looked up, counting the stars. It was a very dark night, she could count the visible stars with her finger. There were only three of them. Woohyun shrugged and sighed. “Yes, it’s about him.” Jieun sighed and shifted a little.

“He hurt you again, Jieun-ah. He hurt you a lot and many times.”

“I know.”

“I know you love him, but don’t you think it’s too much already?”

“I know.”

“Maybe… he isn’t your man.”

“I know.”

“Come with me, Jieun-ah.”

***

Kim Myungsoo had known Lee Ji Eun for a long time, so when she told him she wanted a little time, Myungsoo knew what exactly he need to do. He needs to let her be, to not call her, and let her be on her own for sometime. She asked him to wait and this time, without certainty. He considered it as his punishment, to wait without any certainty was the hardest and toughest. In the end, she could still leave or she could come back. He wasn’t daring enough to hope for her return. What he did was beyond worse.

He wondered if he had said everything that she needed to hear. He was truly sorry and he was sincere. But did she feel that? All the sincerity and all the regrets he had, she needed to feel them. Kim Myungsoo would probably be okay if they ended the second she called, but he would be crush if she couldn’t forgive him. He wanted to be forgiven. She was hurt so many times and he wanted to be forgiven. Lee Ji Eun has had enough and perhaps she was tired of being hurt. She wanted to stop hurting. As everybody else, as the world wanted, they all want to stop hurting.

It had been six months since then. Myungsoo waited for a very long time. They avoided each other during broadcast and work. They stopped calling each other and stopped contacting each other. About a week ago, Kim Pil Suk called him and yelled at him. She was angry at him for breaking her sister’s heart and hurting her. She wanted him to end all relation they used to have and moved on. The little sistar has grown, it was about time for her to repay Lee Ji Eun. And he deserved it. Up to this moment,  he deserved all the pain.

Park Jiyeon came to him a few days ago. She was as rutheless as ever. Among them, Jiyeon changed the least. Lee Ji Eun changed, Nam Woohyun changed, Pil Suk changed, everyone changed, except Jiyeon. Myungsoo found it to be rather… interesting. She yelled at him, blaming him for ruining her and Seung Ho first anniversary. How she need to sooth Lee Ji Eun who was deeply hurt but refused to break down. Lee Ji Eun was as hot-headed as ever when it came to leaning on someone else. She eventually broke down after Park Jiyeon hugged and hushed her as how a mother would. Lee Ji Eun as deeply hurt. But Park Jiyeon wanted the two of them to get back together.

So today, he would say everything he needed to say. Things he had hidden for a long time, things she always want to hear. He would like to win her back, whatever the price would be. He will win her back at any cost. He prepared everything to be perfect. Once she returnes, he will be holding on to her very tightly. He would never let go of her hand anymore. She would always be his and he would always be hers.

***

Within the six months of being away from each other, her life turned out to be easier and happier. Her schedules ended smoothly and some says she looked brighter. Was it that she truly looked happier or was it her forcing herself? Within six months, she has spent a lot of time thinking, still without any answer but confusion. She was confused, of what the right answer will be. Everything was in a shade of grey. Everything was grey. No matter how she looked at it, it was either too wrong or too right.

There were many times when she wanted to call him and gave him an answer, each followed by hesitation. So, she never calls. She knew it would be tough for him, but it was tough too for her. She knew her best friend was madly in love with Yoo Seung Ho, Jieun had asked her of what she would do. Park Jiyeon was definitely in love when she told Jieun, Seung Ho would run after her and pleaded for forgiveness, and she would probably forgive him. Was she naïve? Park Jiyeon told Lee Ji Eun that rejecting him was the best decision. Still, Jieun doubted it.

She realized she wanted to know what she meant to him. They shared rare ‘I love you’ even more to what they actually feel about each other. Perhaps, it was the distance or perhaps it was just the hesitation of not knowing what they actually feels about each other and Jieun feared it. She knew what he meant to her. It hasn’t changed even after years. And break ups reminded her of how important he was to her. But what about him? She wanted to know. So what does she mean to him?

She didn’t want to be his world; it would be too much of a burden. If something happened to her, she wouldn’t want to see him being crush. She knew expecting her to be his world was too much. Cliché answers weren’t the things that she wanted to hear. She didn’t want to be his world, his life, his heart, his breath. She didn’t need to hear any of that. Honest confession was what she needed. She wanted to know how he truly feels. And she hoped he would be brave enough to come to her and say it. She, somehow, needed to hear it.

This was all so childish, she realized.

“What is this beautiful young lady doing out here?” Someone sat next to her comfortably. He was a man, his voice had laughter in it. He sounded so humorous. “A penny for your thoughts?” He literraly flipped a coin and threw it at her. Again, the laughter in his voice exploded.

“Dongwoo-ssi,” Jieun chuckled and bowed at him. She didn’t know how he find her, clearly finding her wasn’t supposed to be easy.

“What is bothering you?” He had such an addicting voice. His laughter was addicting. She found his laughter to be the best. No one laughs the way he does. “Kim Myungsoo, isn’t it?” When Jieun finally nodded, he shifted uncomfortably. “When I’m in trouble, I always have a little conversation with the world.”

“A little conversation with the world?” Jieun raised an eyebrow at his statement. He sighed and stared back at her. The two actually match well; it’s just that they weren’t meant to be.

“Yeah,” Dongwoo softly smiled. “Yeah. And I know the world doesn’t speak. It just spins. Still, I talk to it and they answers.”

“How?” Lee Ji Eun would like to have a conversation with the world. The world, at times could be the friendliest or the cruelest and Jieun would like to know why.

“Close your eyes and simply listen. Don’t protest, don’t do anything and wait. Enjoy the silence.” He gestured her and she followed. For a moment or two, the silence came and everything fell to the pure silence. It was a beautiful silence that sooth her. The enjoyable silence. “We all want to fall in love and be happy. We all silently waited for the love of our life. Even if we are with out family, there were times when we are simply unhappy. Romantic love seems to guarantee happiness. But… when you are about to love someone, are you ready to be hurt beyond the boundaries? It will hurt more and more. The thing is… are you ready?” Dongwoo explained softly. His voice echoed within the silence.

“I…” Jieun trailed. “I thought we’re supposed to be having a little conversation with the world.”

“It’s a metaphor. The world knows a lot but it doesn’t really talk, does it?”

Jieun chuckled knowing his goals. “I know. I know.” Then she sighed and opened both her eyes. “Yet the limit of getting hurt exists.”

This is all so childish and insane, she realized.

***

Perhaps the reason why Dongwoo came to her earlier was Myungsoo’s plan. A few hours later, right after her last schedules for the day, she received a text from Myungsoo. It was still early in the evening, around seven o’clock. Her company decided she should take it easy first, considering the cirscumtances and how they used her health as an excuse. So, she would be quite free for a few days. Kim Myungsoo wanted to meet up in his dorm. It would be her first time coming to his new dorm, yet she found no excitement in it. She was nervous and uncomfortable. It had been six months, she counted.

The dorm was rather easy to find and the building address was famous. Still, Jieun took three turns more, simply to take more time. She was driving, yet her mind was somewhere else. Often, she would suddenly space out, which was close to dangerous. She sighed, hoping her manager won’t find out. People has been freaking out about her having a license. It was a new license, which she got after failing the test twice. Lee Ji Eun did not even know why she failed. She was an expert at almost everything.

When she found their dorm’s number, Lee Ji Eun knocked on the door. No one seemed to be inside. The door unlocked itself as if on cue and Jieun nervously stepped inside. It was dark, candles lighting up the whole room. It was set in a way where girls would usually find it romantic, with aromatic candles being lit up and flowers at the entrance door. Her name was attached to a bunch of pink roses. There was no letter, simply names. There was no rush of it, she took it as slow as she could. There was no intesfying electric that flow through her body. It was as if she stopped being in love, when clearly she just wasn’t ready. It had been six months and still she holds no answer.

Has he decided to stop waiting? She knew it must be hard for him to wait without any certainty. Still, it was also hard for her, to find the answer where her heart kept on going against her brain. At times, she wanted to stop for a second. She wanted to breathe a gush of fresh air and let the world stop spinning for a while. At times, everything could be too much.

She hesitated, whether to flick the lights or let the atmosphere be. And she decided, maybe he spent a lot of effort preparing everything, so it should be the best not to ruin anything. Taking off her high heels, she slipped into the sandals. It was the only pair with the color pink, clearly prepared for her. She tried to be as silent as she could, she didn’t want any surprises for today. He should know it.

♫ Infinite – Memories

When the soft music suddenly filled the air, she knew he was into surprises for today.

***

What does she meant to him?

If meant to be and not meant to be is a matter of choices, and he would like her to be his other half. He loved her, he loves her. She was alluring in a very good and innocent way. There was something about her that people may find ordinary, yet he would find it to be beautiful. The two of them, perhaps, has become an old memory. Everything that ended more than six months ago, the crushed hopes and everything else made it clear that they became an old story. Still, he loves her. He still has feelings for her, a lot that often drives him insane without her.

It all truly began when he decided to dug deeper into her, to whom hurt his little sister. Things changed, as he changed, once his sister passed away. It was another old story, yet the past always changed. The past never stayed static, it was the irony of the past. It was the insanity of revenge, then he found the reason why his sister admired Lee Ji Eun so much. She was more than a girl, more than a lady. She was beautiful in a different way.

When he realized he fell for her, he stayed silent. He knew it was insane to fall for someone he wanted to hurt so badly. There were times he simply silently called out to her, practicing those three words, secretly watching over her. Those little things became very enjoyable. To love her, he realized, was a blessing. It gave him the happiest rush, a rush he had longed for. And yet as everybody else, he too became greedy. He wanted her, to be by his side, to be more than quietly watching over her.

But those were old stories. She meant so much more to him by now. He rarely expressed his feelings. All he had was immature pride that often hurt her and hurt him too. His immature pride that didn’t grow within the years of breaking up and making up, it hurt both of them deeply. Lee Ji Eun became an important part. She wasn’t his world, he could still live without her, yet something would feel empty without his presence.

He loves her and he was truly sorry for hurting her.

“I’m sorry. All I has is my immature pride that hurt you a lot. I always hurt you a lot. I… said things I didn’t mean. My actions are immature. Still, I want to win you back. I can’t say you’re my world, but something feel empty without you.” Myungsoo walked closer to her as the song quickly came to an end. The INFINITE covered up for him, repeating the verse again and again. Lee Ji Eun was already tearing up. Why did she feel like crying? “I want you back. I miss you. It’s greedy that I want you back after all the pain. Still, I want you back. I’m okay to wait without any certainty, I thought. But the closer you are, the greedier I become. You’re very important to me. I love you, I really do.”

“I…”

“Come back to me, would you?”

“I…” Jieun was shaking, trying her best not to cry. She’d look so childish if she cried. “I was deeply hurt of what happen that night. I love you and I still do. Still, I keep thinking if I should forgive you. I have my own limits of forgiving. I don’t want to be a foolish woman who put her insane love above everything. I don’t want to be a fool. You hurt me deeply and I was just confused…” She ended up crying. “I don’t want to hate you. I don’t want to hurt you, but I also don’t want to get hurt. I… tell me what to do. I badly want you back too.”

“Jieun-ah,” she was trembling and it broke him. He slowly reached for her and pulled her to his embrace. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“I… don’t want to regret falling in love with you. I don’t want to hate you. I want to keep on loving you, but I feel so foolish.” She cried and hit his chest harshly. The INFINITE, even Myungsoo, was surprised to see her crying over her love. Really, Lee Ji Eun may have been hurt over her love life, but never once she cried. “You’re such a bad person.”

“I know… I know…” Myungsoo hugged her even closer and she snuggled deeper. “Get back with me, will you?”

“Yes.”

Of course, she knew how foolish she was. She didn’t know how being foolish could feel so good.

***

When Kim Myungsoo finally win her back, he wasn’t going to let her go anytime soon. In fact, he would not be willing to let go of her hand. He would be holding on to her so tightly, even if she found her annoying. After all the tears she shed, the INFINITE quickly excused themselves on cue. Myungsoo was giving them lots of signal and they quickly dispersed to give the couple some privacy. Jieun was crying and chukling at the same time. Her voice became weird, giving the boys a good laugh while she turned pink from all the embrassement.

They were watching a movie in the living room. His hands were securedly wrapped against her waist. He was hugging her so tightly that she needed to struggle for every little space or movement she needed. Still, he would be inching closer each time she created another space. It was a hot summer day, she prefer having some air to breath than being squash together. Being around him was comforting and nice, his presence felt so good, still it was a hot summer day. And Lee Ji Eun is still Lee Ji Eun.

“Let’s set the rules,” he exclaimed out of the blue, right when the movie starts to make a cliché turns.

“Rules?” Jieun wriggled again to keep their distance and Myungsoo pulled her closer in protest. She sighed and held his hand while she slowly inched away. “I’m not going anywhere, okay? Stop being so possessive.”

“Okay!” He groaned and protested. “Just set the rules, okay? Rules for us to follow.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.” He rubbed his temples, acted as if he was thinking hard. Jieun chuckled, how could an actor acts so badly? “Number 1, tell each other I love you everyday.”

“Objected!” Jieun exclaimed almost immediately, showing every shade of pink on her cheek. “That’s too much.” She pouted cutely and Myungsoo couldn’t help but to ruffle her hair lightly. She was adorable.

“Number 1. Tell each other whatever is in our mind.” Jieun once again shook her head in disagreement. Myungsoo groaned and protested again. “Number 1. No kissing another man or woman in a drama.” Myungsoo jokingly stated as he was reminded of Jieun’s and Wooyoung’s kiss scene that lead to various chaotic situation.

“Deal!” Jieun excitedly exclaimed.

“Number 2. Contact each other at least twice a week… since everyday is almost impossible.”

“Deal.”

“Oh, we’re getting along now!” He said sarcastically, rolling his eyes at her. “Number 3. Don’t fall in love with someone else.”

“Do you really want to spend the third rules on something like that?” Jieun chuckled and poked his cheek. Her brown orbs suddenly drown itself in his darker ones. “Number 3. Believe in each other.”

“Deal.”

10 rules of complete randomness, which was fun.

***

“Can you not disappear early in the morning?” Myungsoo was lying on her lap, playing with her locks. Jieun softly chuckled and shook her head. He pouted and she poked her cheek.

“My schedule starts around 4 in the morning. I have pre-recording to do and some live events. I have to attend a few concerts as guest and then I have some works in the studio.”

“Okay. Can you at least contact me, then?”

“Okay.”

“Don’t slip away before I’m completely asleep, okay?”

“Okay.” She softly smiled, playing with his puffy hair. She didn’t remember his hair being so puffy.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

This isn’t a dream, is it?