“What were you thinking?!” Kim Myungsoo grabbed her by the wrist, the moment she entered the front door, and pinned her to the nearest wall. He looked angry. In fact, he was absolutely furious and when he tried to calm down, the circulating rumors only made things worse. “What were you thinking?” He yelled, loudly.

She winced in pain when her back was slammed against the wall. She had another uninvited guest after a tough day at work. Clearly, he was unhappy, but what right did he have to be so unhappy? She deserved to be unhappy too, especially when he lied to her. She stayed silent; at least she needed to cool down. They fought last week and if they were going to fight again, Jieun didn’t want to fall for the same trap. Last week fight hurt them both and the regret was still haunting. She was being careful in everything, but for how much longer?

He observed her, from head to toe, then his eyes landed on her pink lips. She had those kissable lips, that he knew she wanted to protect, so he held back each time the tempting feeling came to him. But what she did was disappointing. He felt helpless with the fact and something burned inside him. He was clearly unhappy. He was keeping her first kiss to be his, and to be on their special day when they are both ready. He wanted to be her first in everything. When he realized she wasn’t going to respond, his grew twice furious.

Still with his hands wrapped around her small wrist, crushing her bones, he pressed his body against her. He felt hot and forceful, somehow he burned her. There was a burning feeling, that uncomfortable and forceful feeling that came once he enclosed the distant. His eyes were dark and very angry. He wasn’t thinking, he let those emotion overwhelmed him. Somehow, she knew this would happen again. And she wondered… if he ever truly regrets hurting her. Today, too, she knew she was going to be hurt again.

Without a warning, he forced his body upon her. She took tiny steps back, as he lunged at her. “It was supposed to be me, Jieun.” Their eyes met and his was so dark that it terrified her. It didn’t lit up or sparkles the way it used to me. It was pitch black, the same pair of eyes that hated her so sincerely back in high school. The pair of eyes sought for revenge. He lunged at her, kissing her neck, nibbling on her skin, and kissing every part of her, except one – her lips. He kissed her forehead, her cheek, her chin, her nose, her neck, everything but her lips. “It was supposed to be me!” He repeated. He pulled back and Jieun heaved a heavy sigh, with much heat heating up the two. He stared back, gaze landed on her lips so lustfully.

“Myungsoo, stop.” She demanded, but he ignored her. Right before he could claim her lips, she slapped him, hard. “I told you to stop.” She barked back and he gave her a menacing glare. “Go home, I don’t want to see you.”

“We need to stop.” He glared at her and grab her wrist harshly. He used his force on her, forgetting the fact that she was so petite and fragile, with her growing thinner day by day. “I’m not going anywhere, either are you.”

“Myungsoo, let go.” She demanded and struggled to ease his grip on her.

“Why? So you could run away and filmed more kissing scenes?” He pulled her harshly, which caused her to slightly stumble on her steps. “We made the rules, Jieun! We made the rules! We’re not supposed to film any kiss scene! Most of all you kissed a model, and people keep saying how shippable you are, and how you match everyone so well and how they wish you two would date!”  He yelled on her face. “What were you thinking, Jieun?!”

“What was I thinking? What were you thinking, Myungsoo?!” She yelled back, hearts torn to pieces at every word that hurt him and her. “Were you being honest that day when you told me you are never letting go? Or were you just hiding the fact that you kissed another girl?!” She heaved a heavy sighs, eyes all over the place to calm herself down. It was not a good day to be exploding. “We made the rules and you are the one who break it first! And you can break it but I can’t? Are you being fair, Myungsoo?!” Her words shut him up, but she was nowhere near the finish line. “Most of all, you kissed Suzy! You know how it was back in high school! She was all over you! She may be one of my friends but it didn’t change the fact that I don’t feel comfortable with the two of you together!”

“And how am I supposed to react with you and Jonghyun?! He completely likes you! Suzy and I keep it professional.”

“I never kiss Jonghyun, Myungsoo. My kiss scene is completely professional too. How am I supposed to feel reading those comments on how sweet the kiss was, how real it was, and how great it would be if you two dated?!”

“Oh, that’s why you think it’s okay if you kiss another man?! It was supposed to me kissing you, Jieun! I could bear with everything else but this one, Jieun! How could you?! Suzy and I made it clear to each other. Stop acting! Quit it, quit acting.”

“Be honest with me, Myungsoo. Why did you even hide it? Do you think I won’t find out and everything will be okay? What else is there? What more did you hide from me?!” Jieun screamed so angrily. “Let go!” She struggled again trying to break free from his grip. “Why are you even acting this way?!”

“I told you Jieun! I still feel so insecure about what happen that night; that you might slip off again and I’m scared to death! What am I supposed to do if you go around kissing another guy? Can you at least try to understand me?” Myungsoo shouted. “For once, Jieun, undersand me!”

“At least I didn’t try to hide it like you did! Do you think you’re the only one being so traumatized after what happen? Do you know how it feels listening to you over and over again?! It feels like it was all my fault! That I’m supposed to be okay even after what happen, that I’m not supposed to be traumatize, that I’m not supposed to be so scared and hurt after what happen, that I’m supposed to act that it never happen in the first place! But it happens, Myungsoo! You made it happen and I can’t help it! I’m still so scared! I’m still traumatized!” When she feels his grip growing stronger, she shrieked. “Let go, Myungsoo! Let go, it hu –“

“Because it is your fault!” He shouted. “You’re getting married and I’m not supposed to be nuts over it? You were driving me nuts, Jieun!”

“Myungsoo, let go!”

“No, I’m not letting you go!”

“Let go, it hurts!”

“And what? Do you think I’m not hurting?!”

“Kim Myungsoo!” She shrieked and yelped in pain, she placed her hand on his arm and squeezed it hard. “It hurts!” He was taken aback by her reaction and quickly pulled back his hand. He bruised her. He hurt her, again. How could he forgot how easily bruised she was? That she easily got hurt and how strong he could be when he was angry. Shock was written all over his face when he saw the bluish bruise on her wrist. “Let’s just stop it. I’m going to bed.”

“Jieun… I…”

“Do you love me?” She stared at his dark eyes, searching for an answer to her sudden question. When she found none, doubts were dwelling inside her.

“I do,” he replied, but clearly he was one step too late. She doubted him.

“Okay,” She softly smiled and turned around, slowly going upstairs. Her right hand holding into her bruised one. It hurt.

“Jieun… I…” he tried to search for another word. “I’m jealous, okay?!” He shouted and her steps were stopped. When she turned around to face him, he was staring right at her brown orbs. “I’m very jealous! I know, I know we’re supposed to believe in each other, but I can’t help it! It just hurt, okay? I don’t like the way you hang out with others so much, how close you are, and how you kiss others! I don’t like other man fanboying after you! I’m supposed to be your number 1 fan, the one who couldn’t live without you! I don’t like the fact that so many man are chasing after you! I don’t like the fact that I’m not the most handsome!”

“I’m jealous too! What do you think I was feeling when I heard about your kiss scene? I was so upset. Why did you hide it from me? What am I supposed to do with your kiss scene, with you spreading your charms all over female idols and your fans, with you being paired up in many dramas, even fanfictions! How am I supposed to handle those comments?! How am I supposed to handle how you look better with Suzy, Krystal, or anyone other than me?!”

“You… are jealous?” Myungsoo slowly approached her after her whole-hearted confessional. He knew she wasn’t thinking and he knew she would turn pink and run away, the moment she dragged back her senses.

“Yes, I am!”

“Jieun-ah, I…” He quickly pulled her to his embrace. Her body tensed up uncomfortably, surprised by his reaction. He softened very quickly, when she thought he was about to protest again. “I’m jealous too.” He warmly hugged her, gently, and she could picture his smile. He was relieved.

But what is this tiring feeling?

***

He was jealous and she tried to understand.

Years of dating him, years of being trapped inside the hurt and hurting cycle, years of breaking up and making up, years of fighting – what else was there that she did not know about him? She knew everything about him; his favorite food, his favorite day, his moody attitude, his immature pride. Some of what used to be his charms grew to worry her. She was anxious about her relationship, especially after all the mess. Yes, she said yes when he asked her out again. She said yes, but why?

Every time she saw him, something just weighed inside, something thump and something dwelled inside her. She would like to have this certainty, that she truly loved him and he would be everything she needs. But she knew he can’t. He can’t be everything to her; he can’t be her whole world. She knew so why did it hurt so much? Something flipped in her stomach, each time he appeared, yet she couldn’t describe it –whether it was happiness or anxiety. He was her comfort, but rushed of anxiety attacked at his presence. Lee Ji Eun would like to know, if she made the right choice by saying yes.

It was too fast, she realized. Everything was faster than how it used to be. The world grew less enjoyable, spinning in a non-stop motion, and it all become tiring. She was foolish to say yes so quickly. It did feel good. How she wished she didn’t have to regret it, but she did. She regretted it. It was on reckless movement that she did, that lead to various ‘hurtage’. She thought they fought over bigger things, so drama-like, that they would be ready to face the little one, but they weren’t. She realized how breakable and fragile they both were.

It wasn’t how it used to be. Yes, they were used to the breakup-makeup cycle, but on a slower pace. These days, they broke up so quickly and make up even quicker. It used to be longer and slower, with more confrontations and thinking. On each event, she would reflect on her deeds, what she did wrong, and what she should have done, if they were meant to be, if they should stay together. She would take it slow and he wouldn’t push either. Yes, it took longer time, but also time to heal. Time, these days, has stopped being a friendly friend. It left her.

When they fought again, earlier, it made her think a lot. He was being immature and she could keep up with it. But she wondered if she could keep on being the losing party and him being the winner. She wondered if she would be okay with all this insanity and circumstances. What upset her most was him hiding a lot of things behind her back. She didn’t know what more surprises she would find if she dug deeper. She thought they were walking on the same path, step by step, together. In reality, they weren’t.

Maybe, his manager was right. Maybe they should break up.

She was having doubts. What he said that day… was it honest? It all sounded like an excuse, now that she found out.

Why, Myungsoo? Why?

***

“Dad…” Jieun scrambled on her legs and quickly shut the door when she found the overly familiar figure standing by her doorstep. Knocks and sounds in the middle of the night still scared her. She wondered if Pil Suk suffered it too. “Dad…” She stared in horror and took horrified steps backward. Her dad presence wasn’t pleasant.

“Jieun-ah,” he flashed her a fatherly smile, yet it didn’t erase the horror in her eyes. “Jieun-ah,” He patted her head and she trembled under his touch. “I’m home.”

He was not welcomed. What happen to her, with Myungsoo and her father, still haunted her every night. She had just fought with Myungsoo, and it reminded her of how the side effect still hurt. Her body was trembling in horror with his sudden return. He’s home? She bought this place on her own, with her sweat, with her own money, with her own bloody hard work. This is her home; hers and her only.

Although something about him has changed, she lost her faith long ago; when her mother turned against her, when her father abused her. Perhaps, it was her defense after being hurt so deeply. She shrieked and jerked at his presence. He looked different. He didn’t smell of alcohol. In fact, he looked very decent as a man. Jieun could understand her mother’s heart, if she had not known his true nature. He was handsome and nicely dressed in simple clothes. His smile was bright and sincere. Jieun knew why her mother fell for him. He was a decent guy, perhaps.

“Leave!” She shrieked and trashed, shutting the door close. “Leave!” She yelled again. He placed his foot right before she could slam it close and locked it.

“I’m sorry, Jieun-ah,” He flashed her another smile and guilt was plastered all over his face. “I was wrong.” Tell her, how many times has the word betray her? Myungsoo who said it countless times and still hurt her? Her friends, her parents. For once, she wanted honesty in the simplest word, in sorry. “You will forgive me, right?” How shameless he was and Jieun glared back at him. She hated him. She forced herself to hate him. “Please, let me in.”

“Why should I?” Something in her voice cracked and they both knew she was about to break down. “Why should I after what you and mom did?” Did you know what the scariest thing about breaking down? It was not being able to feel the pain. She couldn’t cry. “After what you said that day, after what she said that day… am I still your child? Are you still my dad? Is she still my mom?”

“Jieun-ah,” He pleaded, “I need your help.” His eyes were pitiful. Jieun felt sorry for him, but was it fake? Everything sounded fake to her. “I know you are rich. I’m very proud of you. You worked very hard and grow up beautifully. Dad is very proud of you.” He flashed his smile and Jieun swore she felt nauseous. He was lying, wasn’t he? “That’s why please give me some money. I’m in the middle of bankruptcy. I need money, a lot of money! I promise you I’ll give it back as soon as my business recovers. Just… give me the money.”

What a jerk.

“Let me think about it,” Jieun sighed. “I don’t promise you anything.”

“I need the money by tomorrow,” He begged on his knee. “I’ll wait for you at the café downtown, near your boutique.” He stood up after a few minutes of begging and took his leave. Lee Ji Eun realized how insane her life was.

***

“This is yours,” she said, handing over the brown-colored envelope. It was thick and everything inside was real cash. “Twice as much as you requested.” She said coldly. It was hard to maintain her expression, to act strong, when clearly she was breaking down inside.

She thought about it, last night, after he left and the silence kicked in. She needed it, all the freedom, all the time, all the slow pace – she knew she needs it all. He didn’t deserve it, her help or her kindness. Still, he was her dad. She couldn’t hate him as much as she would like to. His blood runs in her vein. He gave her so much pain, but she wanted to prove him how different she was. She didn’t want to be someone like him. So, she would give it, she would give him her kindness and help one last time, in return for her pride and wounds.

“Thank you,” He grinned and greedily took the money. “I know you will do it for me. You’re a good daughter after all.”

“I….” She trailed. He was counting the money she gave, greedily; to make sure it was the exact amount. Jieun shook her head, disgusted by his action. How could he? If only she wasn’t that kind, she knew she could return as much money that he spent for her.

“My wife is waiting for me at home. See you later.”

He was about to leave, when she stopped him. “You don’t have to return it. All the money, you can have it.” She looked away, avoiding his gaze while he grinned so happily and Jieun swore it hurt. “But in return, don’t ever come back. I… I have been living well without the two of you. I worked hard on my own and handle everything on my own, I take care of everything and everything is fine. I grew up and succeed, and make my own legal money.”

“Okay,” He replied, still why did he look so happy? Did she even mean a thing? His blood ran in her veins. She was proves that he was once a human, a decent man.

“So don’t come back and try to control everything. Don’t come back ruining my life. This is my life, the life the two of you never care about! So… let me live my life. I… will be just fine without the two of you.” She said, and then leaves her spot, while he was still flattered over the money he received.

And it hurt. It hurt so much more. She said things she didn’t mean. She said things she thought for the better, but no, she hurt herself. Those were words she wasn’t supposed to say as a child, but why wasn’t he protesting? He was supposed to protest and shouted at her, claiming back his rights her parents. She was foolish, she knew. What could she expect from someone like him? It hurt so much that she doesn’t think she could breath. Was she even important to someone? Was she a toy being played around? Life was playing games with her and it hurt.

The tingling back echoed, once the door was swung opened. She stood by the door entrance, people were ignorant. Her bare-face remained unrecognized, as she stood there for some time, trying to control her breathing. Her chest felt heavy and suddenly it hit her. The pain that was hidden for so long, rush to her, like a gush of wind that swept everything away. And she felt helpless. She only cried and cried, by the café entrance door, like a nuisance. Her tears that wouldn’t stop, her pain that wouldn’t leave. It hurt. And Kim Myungsoo was lucky bastard.

“IU-ssi?” A man voice intrudes her ear. “IU-ssi?”

Kim Jonghyun.

***

Hugs were never this comforting before, even when Myungsoo hugged her. Lately, all this fighting has worn her out. She didn’t even know if she made the right choices, but for once a hug was more than enough. Her ankles hurt, she ran in her high heels even stumble quite a few times, but it felt so nice. The hug felt so nice. She felt okay. Even with tears running down her cheek, she felt very okay. After a long time, she was okay.

She didn’t let out any word, she just cried. He didn’t ask either, he let her cried. She let it all out and he accepted, without any word or question. It was a pure question. She didn’t want an answer; all she ever wanted was the pure comfort. A comfort like this. She never thought he was going to be the one, the one who accepted her the way she was, the one who comfort her. Jonghyun. Kim Jonghyun. And Jieun started to have even more doubts. Why can’t him?

‘Everything will be okay’ ‘It’s fine’ ‘It’s okay’. He said none of those, but something inside her instinctively believe everything will be okay, that she was fine. She was wailing, murmuring unclear words, and he would softly pat her. Perhaps, he was trying to calm her down, to hush her. When she protests, his touch turns gentle. This was all she need; someone by her side to lean on. He was all she need.

“I…” She tried to speak softly, but her voice came out as squeaks. When she calmed down and felt strong enough to speak without breaking down, she continued, “am I not important? He was supposed to ask me to stay. He was supposed to plead so I’ll stay. Am I truly nothing?” She asked between her sobs.

This was the first time she ever felt this way. She felt completely helpless, she felt useless, she felt unimportant. Maybe this was what Pil Suk used to feel, on days where she was suicidal. It felt pointless to feel, as if you’re not needed in the first place. Even if she cried for days, the feelings won’t go away. It stuck, it ate you up, and suddenly you are lost. Lee Ji Eun was suddenly lost and confused, and helpless.

“You are important,” he pulled away and stared directly at her teary eyes. His gaze was sweet and gentle, and sincere. He meant it. He wanted to make sure she knew that he mean it. “IU-ssi, you are important. You are important to your friends, to your staff, to your agency, to your sister… and if that wasn’t enough, you are important to me. You are very important to me.”

“Jonghyun-ssi,” She stared blankly in confussion, and then her eyes turned in accusation – that he lied. Did she really make the right choice?

“No, I mean it. You are important to me.”

You are important to me.