What is it that you fear?

What is it that she fears? She wondered. Was she even fearing something? She didn’t realize that or maybe she was afraid to admit that she was afraid indeed. In fact, she was very afraid. She was silently in fear, maybe it was the reason for her extreme careful acts, her detailed personality, and often insecure.

She knew what Park Jiyeon meant that day, before she flew back to Paris to catch her boyfriend. She knew where the conversation was going and also, she knew why Park Jiyeon suddenly stopped the conversation out of nowhere. Her best friend wanted her to find it on her own, her fear and her strength, and how she would have to overcome theme.

It’s been quite some time since she last wandered in the middle of the night. She knew she wasn’t supposed to go out in the middle of the night, especially at two in the morning. She was supposed to be inside the dorm, practicing or resting well. She might get caught by the paparazzi or harassed by her fans and her company won’t be happy once they found out what she had done, nevertheless she was stubborn enough to keep doing the same thing, wandering alone in the middle of the night.

She didn’t want to go home – as always – when she had so much thought in mind. She wanted to work even more, until her body worn out, until she couldn’t think anymore. Somehow, she found it refreshing, to worn herself out until she couldn’t think anymore. Life became easier and smoother. She knew going back to the mansion will only make matter worse, her thoughts could engulf her. At times, she could be engulfed in her own thoughts and she knew how badly it will end.

So, she decided to walk through the empty alleys, wandering under the tall-light streets, under the dimmed light of the moon, simply embracing the coldness and the loneliness. Maybe it was better this way, to accept things as they are, although it could hurt at times. She was not contented or was she happy; she was simply living her life. She knew she had to live.

Staring at the dark sky with a single dimmed moon decorating it, she sighed, sending fumes up to the sky. She realized she has been living for a long time, contenting herself with happiness and sadness, being contented over bigger things, and fearing little things. She realized she lived as how any ordinary person would – silently and selfishly, fear and liking things. She realized she has been living while hiding unhealed scars which she was unwilling to admit.

At the age of five, she remembered how her parents signed for divorced. She remembered seeing them fighting after being sweet to each other. She remembered them throwing tantrum, cursing at each other. She remembered staying silent as their relationship grew worse. She remembered being helpless, hurt by the fact that her parents were fighting. But she was the eldest; she shouldn’t break down for her sister. And maybe her reluctant on breaking down was what caused her to be hurting even more and for the scars to leave even deeper marks.

She grew to realize marriage was nothing but a bunch of fake promises. She witnessed her parents divorced, after promising to stay by each other side for a life time. She witnessed countless people breaking up and divorcing after creating such a simple-minded and naïve promises. She realized promises are not real; it was only a sign of comfort that ends up with a wounded heart.

And the case of Kim Pil Suk caused her a wounded heart. The way her sister break down, the countless attempts of suicide, and the never ending bullying; it was all too much for her. She became scared; she became a failure to protect what was precious to her. And Kim Myungsoo little games back in high school was a rollercoaster ride for her, unpredictable, bittersweet that ended up bringing changes and brand new world upon her. She never liked changes, for some reason she was insecure.

Love, she never realized how complicated it can be.

“Do you always wander alone in the middle of the night?”

***

She knew whose voice it was, but rather than being startled over the sudden presence, she leaned back and sighed. She could still feel his presence. It was still the same scent he used to own, but different warmth. He became colder, as how she has expected. He was not the Kim Myungsoo she used to know as her boyfriend.

“I guess… yeah.” She answered without facing him, being uncomfortable about their position.

“Don’t you know it’s dangerous?”

“I know.”

“Then….”

“Are you going to make things hard for me?”

“Jieun-ah, I…”

“It has only been two months since I stopped going crazy over you, L.” she inhaled deeply, “it has only been two months since it stopped, that I didn’t have to think about you all the time. I stopped thinking whether you have eaten, whether you are doing well…” she forced a smile, “I don’t think I have healed yet,”

“And I have been wondering about you: whether you have eaten, whether you are happy, whether you are doing well. I silently wondered about you.”

“Are you going to keep appearing in front of me?”

“Lee Ji Eun, I love you.”

“I know. You told me before, but –“

“I will wait.”

“Pardon?”

“I am willing to wait, Lee Ji Eun. I am willing to wait until you are ready.”

“Kim Myungsoo, I –“

“Because I am willing to wait, I hope you will be willing too.” He let the silence filled the air for a bit, before proceeding with what he has to convey. “Until everything is over. Until I am successful, until I became a deserving man to be by your side, until you are the brightest star and I became a bigger one, until this whole dating ban thing toned down.”

“It’s going to be hard.”

“Lee Ji Eun, I am willing to wait and I hope you do too.”

And she realized what she has feared over the years. She was afraid to get hurt. She was afraid to fall in love, because of the unpredicted futures and changes. She was afraid she would fall for those faked promises and ended up hurting. She was afraid she would fail to protect her loved one. Most of all, she was afraid she might need to go through the same path as her parents. She was silently afraid of getting hurt.

“You still owe me 5 dates. With those 5 dates, will you wait?”

She disliked promises, because they were often fakes. She might get hurt, but this man in front of her… he has never talked about the past or the future, he talked about the present. He silently comforts her past and healed her scars, silently planning the future with assurance. He silently tried to chase away her insecurity. So, with him, what is it that she fear?

“Okay.”

She wasn’t supposed to fear anything, she realized. Life, after all, was a cycle of hurt and getting hurt, and those who couldn’t break away will be living under pain. Still, she was afraid, yet again he had promised nothing. Instead, his question was silently telling her everything. It told her his sincerity, the possibility of them being back together, the possibility of them breaking up again or even getting hurt again. Nevertheless, it secured her. She knew what her choice were and the consequences later on. She realized if something went wrong, he had promised nothing at all.

“I am Kim Myungsoo, Jieun. I will make you wait no matter what, for a short time, or even for a longer one. I will make you wait.” He smirked.

***

Would giving him a second chance be a bad idea?

She knew she has been thinking for too much. She knew she could have made things easier by lightening her heart. Her heart has been heavy. She has been very insecure. But she knew she was insecure for both good and bad. Didn’t she trust him? So why was she so insecure? He came to her; silently it was everything she had wanted to hear. He asked her to wait… and the look in his eyes… the way he smirked… she fell for him harder than she already had. It scared her, the fact that she keeps falling deeper and deeper for him. Silently… quietly, she was afraid to be wounded. Love was everything and it took all means to be wounded. Love; perhaps, it was her greatest fear.

What if she fell for him so hard that she would lose her mind? She always held him dear, close because he was important. But what if she fell and there would be no holding back? She was afraid she couldn’t predict what would happen in the future. She was afraid to get hurt, to hurt, to be wounded. Was she ready for this so-called love? She dated him over the years, now that it was closer, she back off. Why? The more her heart accepts, the more her brain protest. She was in so much agony.

“Lee Ji Eun,” Park Jiyeon’s voice echoed. “Second chances?” She sounded firm but Jieun knew she was trying hard not to squel. Under the tall street lights of Paris, the romantic city, Park Jiyeon was dating with her boyfriend. “Really?”

“He came to see me,” Jieun sighed, her lips forming a thin smile. “What do you think?”

“What do I think? It’s all about what you think, dear.” Jiyeon was being a drama queen. She had work too long in the gossip column. “But… Seung Ho used bunch of chances. And I don’t know why I keep on giving him chances. It’s like, I fell under his curse?” Jiyeon stated. Jieun could hear the man groaning in protest, earning a slap from her best friend. “Jieun, don’t think about the what “if”s and what “is”s. They’re annoying.”

“He told me to wait. He asked me if I’d wait until everything dies down and he’ll came back running to me.” Jieun had to admit, she liked the idea. “But I’m… hesitant.”

“Do you love him?”

“Excuse me?”

“Do you love him?”

“I do.”

***

It was a long day; everything came in a blink of an eye. She couldn’t process anything more in her head. But she was contented. She was not happy, as always, but she was contented. She thought being contented was enough, she never chase for happiness. Chasing it would be tiring and in the end of the day, unachievable. While contented, she wanted to be contented over little things. And she was contented, she could smile.

“What are you doing?” Kim Myungsoo called; it’s been so long since they call each other. She inhaled deeply, ready to protest, but the man cut her off. “I know what you’re about to say. ‘Are you going to make this hard for me?’”

Jieun chuckled at his bold statement. “Yeah, L. Are you going to make this hard for me? I was just about to move on and you’re dragging me back to square one.”

“Sorry about that. But I’m selfish Jieun, you can’t possibly forget what I’ve done to you back in high school.” He knew bringing it up was a bad idea. “I can’t let go, I’m still in square one, so you have to be with me.”

“You’re mean, L. As cruel as ever.”

“I regret what I did to you back in high school a lot.” He stated. “But Lee Ji Eun… if I had to go back, I’d do the same thing. I’d hurt you again, made you cry again, then regretting it again. So you’d fall for me and I’d fall for you. I wouldn’t change a thing.”

“Why are you telling me these?”

“Lee Ji Eun… wait for me,” he sighed, “please.”

“L, I-“

“I love you.”