Autumn had started. The weather turned windier and less hot, it was a perfect weather for everything. The morning, however, wasn’t very peaceful. I remembered it as the 15^th September, a not very peaceful morning, a not very good day. What greeted me early in the morning wasn’t the gentle breezes or the nice weather, it was the desperation that woke me up. After suffering from exhaustion and sleep deprivation, desperation was the last thing I want to wake up to. But, do we have any other choice? Shrieks, yells, desperation, and frustration woke me up at a not-so-peaceful 15^th September morning.

I wasn’t an early riser, none of the boys were. Our manager always woke up the earliest, or maybe Hoya. But on tiring days like this, we wouldn’t wake up unless our manager did some hard work on waking us up. Today, however, L surprisingly woke up the earliest and his screamed echoed throughout the dorm. It wouldn’t be long before we received another complain of being too noisy, something we often received these days.

Sunggyu was the first to react to it. Then came the sound of something crashing against the floor, although it did not break, it was slammed against the floor. It sounded like papers being torn apart, or something being shredded. Sunggyu scrambled on his legs, running outside, he looked very surprised and unpleased, but also worried. I, on the other hand, chose to go back to sleep. L and I didn’t have a very good relationship, we get along the least. Truthfully, Jieun should take the blame for it. I chuckled at the thought of her, then went back to sleep.

I wasn’t very good at math and calculating, but when it came to Lee Ji Eun, my brain worked very well that sometimes it hurt. She was an opened book for me, reading her was like reading an opened book. She told me what I didn’t want to know and I learnt what she didn’t want me to know. Perhaps, the same goes to her. We have known each other for long; there was a clear line between friendship and lovers. Sometimes, I thought I was lucky enough to be her friend. Lovers are more fragile than friends. Still, at times it hurt.

So, I did the math. L had a bad temper, still he rarely exploded these days. It was quite surprising to see him being so angry early in the morning. When I finally did the math, I scrambled my legs and ran outside. It seemed I was the last one to finish the calculations. When I arrived, the member already surrounded him with horror in their eyes. He was sitting on the floor with frustration, he pulled on his hair and screamed again. I realized we were in big trouble, once we all noticed our manager wasn’t around. We were in big trouble.

They cared and I didn’t, maybe that was the reason why I came out the last. I regretted it, though; I should have come out sooner. I only cared about him, since Lee Ji Eun was at stake. She was his lover and I care about her. This time around, it was more than him and her, it was them and us. Maybe I was too in love that I didn’t care about us, I care about her. The moment I figured what happened, fear rushed through me. Lee Ji Eun was known as a strong woman, because she is strong, but I’ve seen her broken before. It wasn’t a sight I’d like to see again.

We had this magazine that we subscribed to, a daily magazine about the celebrity life’s and a newspaper. Our favorite had been the gossip column and it always reminded me of how the big dino was doing in Europe, while we all struggled for our bigger dreams. Our bigger dreams, we realized was as simple as a bigger and brighter tomorrow. It was quite important to read them, to see how well-done we are, to see our popularity and image build up, to plan our next move in this industry, how to hold on by the thin threads. But today, the threads seem broken.

[Breaking!] INFINITE L is dating!

He’s dating, so what was written is truth. But his reaction made it so obvious that the rumor wasn’t connected to Lee Ji Eun but someone else, and it was truth. He wouldn’t have been so frustrated, if it wasn’t truth. Lee Ji Eun literally pleads her loyalty and her trust to him. She wouldn’t doubt him and he believed her. However, once she realized all of this is truth, she’d be far more broken. She always believed in him, it was irrational, but it was the path that she chose. If we took a bit time to think, I’d agree. Trust and loyalty are important in this industry.

I wanted to punch him and broke his nose, probably ripping his heart from his chest. He deserved it. The fact that he has hurt the woman I love multiple times and all he has given her had been nothing but pain, I wanted to hurt him too. But, I didn’t. I held back, for some reason he looked very pitiful and regretful today. After what happened to Jieun the other day, I gave him some slacks. But one name caught my eyes on every article written about them: Park Jiyeon. This was all too much for me, and for us.

The reaction was bad, all the backlash going on against him, against us. It was a side-effect of being a group member, once a member created a scandal, it would be a backlash against all of us. Although it could be better than holding on to everything alone, the guilt doubled. I could see they were all angry, but at the same time… they pitied her. If it had been him and Jieun’s relationship being blown up, all of us would have been fine. We supported them and it was the risk of it, perhaps the cost of it. We were ready. But the fact that it wasn’t his and Jieun’s relationship, but his temporary affair with a model, around his big argument with Jieun… it was unforgivable.

Then again, one name spun inside my head: Park Jiyeon.

***

It didn’t remain unnoticed, the only name that kept on popping up on every single articles: Park Jiyeon. L had been reading it again and again for the tenth times this morning; his gaze hadn’t left the newspaper since morning. He looked desperate and I knew Lee Ji Eun had to come back soon or else he might break down. A mental broke down wasn’t something we would like to see today, especially on our preparations for the world tour. If Kim Myungsoo broke down, I’d be the one giving him the beatings and there was no stopping it.

“She killed her best friend,” Myungsoo remarked, laughing hopelessly. “She killed her best friend.” He repeated again and again. Sunggyu whispered me to calm down, although I knew he agreed with Myungsoo.

“She’s a journalist.” I defended.

“All of this people are journalist and they didn’t know a thing about us!” Myungsoo complained.

“It’s Park Jiyeon, she is a jerk.” Sungyeol agreed, nodding his head up and down. “I never like her to begin with.”

“And who told you to date that model when Jieun is away? She was hurt because you hurt her! And here we all just found out what you were doing at that time!” Hoya yelled and plopped down on the couch angrily. He was tired and angry, and angry caused more than exhaustion.

“If I was her, I’d do the same,” the quietest finally added. Dongwoo, added. “I wouldn’t want my best friend to date someone inadequate.”

“Are you saying that I’m inadequate?!” Myungsoo soared and it echoed so loudly.

“You are inadequate!” I yelled back. Lee Ji Eun was my best friend, so I knew almost everything that happened between them, how he had been holding on to that single story of regrets that ended up hurting her even more. He was inadequate. Which boyfriend kept on hurting his girlfriend while claming he loved her, yet never notice? An inadequate boyfriend. Lee Ji Eun, the perfect and genius woman picked the wrong man as her partner. I knew he was a wrong choice to begin with, but I’ve never seen her so happy and so in love before, so I let her be. I didn’t know it was temporary.

“At least I win her heart! You can’t even win her heart! You were just… someone similar to her first love! She stuck around you since she think of you as her first love! You need to thank Jang Wooyoung for that!” He barked back. And I realized, I shouldn’t have held back this morning. This man needed a beating, a good enough to shut him up and to wake him up.

“At least I didn’t win her heart by being a jerk! She isn’t a trophy to win! She’s a person to love sincerely!”

“You! How da –“

“Maybe none of us should have been close to her! We caused her to be bullied, to receive so many backlashes back in high school, we hurt her sister, and we broke her lots of times! Maybe if we didn’t get close to her, none of this would have happen! Maybe it isn’t a one-person idiotic plan, but us! Maybe it was us!” Sungjong yelled and he was already crying. He held Jieun dearly in his heart, and for the first time, he shut us up. It felt foolish to be shut up by the youngest. What he said, however, may be the truth.

***

Days after days, Lee Ji Eun never showed up. It worried L a lot, and it worried me a lot, although I have a good idea where she might be by now. With all the rumors going around her, and the articles backlashes L, with it being the truth, she might be somewhere to empty her mind. The day the articles came out, our company was more than angry. L received lots of scolding and the articles started to affect him mentally. His schedules were put on a temporary halt, although we would still go on with our world tour schedules. He managed to get back on his feet after three days with no calls, and no response from Jieun. I knew where she must be, but I wouldn’t tell him. She needed a break, perhaps, that was why she couldn’t be contacted.

L was frantic on the article’s first release. He ran all the way to her house and was surprised to see it empty. Her phone was turned off, the voicemails and messages remained unresponsive. And he gave up, although he kept on contacting him for weeks until it affected him. Once his schedules were halted, his condition turned worse. Working might be the best options to clear his mind. So, he got back to work and it pleased everyone. Dongwoo, he realized something else though, the same goes for Sunggyu.

After one week, I realized I needed to make a phone call, for that one name that kept on popping up on every single articles released. I wasn’t angry or anything, but I longed for one good explanation and I knew how much it must have broken her to do something like this. The bond between girls, I’d say, was scarily unbreakable and girls fights are horrible. I’ve seen that Dino fights with another girl before, and it was very scary. I wouldn’t want to see that anymore and hopefully the two of them weren’t pulling their hair off each other’s… as if Jieun would do that.

“You finally called,” She sighed in relieve, once my number appeared on a screen. There was no greetings or anything, but a complete statement as if she had waited for days for me to call. “One week later.”

“Our little Dino misses me!” I teased and she was still scary as always, nothing changed and it was actually pleasant. It had been a while since the three of us hang out with each other, especially when Park Jiyeon lived in another county far-far away in Europe. “Never thought the Dino will miss me!”

“I’ll kill you if you keep saying that, I swear.”

“As scary as ever.”

“As cheesy as annoying as ever.”

“You have been waiting for my call?”

“I figured you need to call. It’s not like my name will go unnoticed on the headlines. I mean, it was that big, that familiar, and that… that over and over again! I got so annoyed that my name kept on popping up everywhere! My god, Park Jiyeon is not that beautiful for a name!” She shrieks and I could hear her boyfriend’s voice disagreeing. This couple always grossed me out, nevertheless I laughed. “How is he holding up? The INFINITE hate me, don’t they? I’ll cry if you hate me too.”

“Cry, then. I hate you,” I jokingly said and she yelled loudly. “Yeah, they kind of blame you but I told them you’re just doing your job. I’m your best friend, so I’m on your side… just make sure I can be your best man later on. He’s holding up, but he isn’t fine. His activity was halted a few times, but he managed it. He’s not that normal or okay yet, but he’ll manage. He has to.”

“You know, I deserve to be hated a lot.”

“Dream is the thin threads that connected us, the thin threads that will easily be broken someday. Once we reach our dreams, the threads will weaken and when we crossed path, it will broke. We all know this is happening.”

“It’s something Jieun should be saying and not you. I feel all giddy listening to you! Just be the cheesy Nam Woohyun and don’t try to comfort me!”

“Uhh, I wonder how your boyfriend holds up to you.” I pouted and she frowned. “How many time does he get hit a day? Three… four… five?”

“Six.” She said firmly. “And he still loves me.”

“Probably just reminding himself to love you or else he might have left you.” I replied and I could hear her boyfriend saying the otherwise. “Jieun is with you, isn’t she?”

“Yeah, she is.” She sighed. “She’s… acting okay. You know how annoying it is when she refused to break down and act okay, right?”

“So annoying,” I nodded my head in agreement. “Take care of her, will you?”

“You’re still in love with her, aren’t you?”

“Not so loud, Dino!”

“I will, just leave it to me.”

“Hey, Jiyeon.” I called and she hummed. “Do you think she pick the wrong man?” There was a brief silence in it, and there was something engulfing me. It took control of me that I said something so foolish. “If I had known her before he and Wooyoung did, would she have picked me?” And again, silence. My heart was pounding, afraid for another rejection. It was enough being rejected once and never be able to move on again.

“I don’t know,”

“Yeah, right.”

***

I expected her answer and it was exactly what I have expected. And I figured, it was truth, the moment of truth that I avoided for so long, but then, I’d have to face it. So, I pondered.

I pondered.

Men never pondered. We never put any of our actions to mind. We rarely think of what we did. We do what we think fit, not what other think. We are often selfish. And I am a man. I never put anything to mind. I was practically brain dead, I care about myself, I screw things up, I ruined things – I rebel. Park Jiyeon might be a fighter, but I’m a rebel. I’m one proud rebel.

What I did, as most man often do, were reckless and spontaneous. Little details I never expect always came as an aftermath, but I never really care either. I was a headache for everyone and I was proud of it. Rebel, no matter how hard you deny it, took a part on the society. We push the society forward, and I was proud to be a part of it, until I met Lee Ji Eun. She told me how to rebel properly, to rebel for truth, to rebel in dignity, and not in stupidity. For once, I pondered for her.

Three days after the news came out, there was a sudden halt on our activities. The backlash was unexpectedly hard and it affected our concerts and stages. So, the company decided it was about time to stop our activity and disappear for a while, especially with L condition. And during those days, I pondered. I pondered about everything, about this life, about these feelings, about her. For Lee Ji Eun, I pondered.

A nostalgic walk across the old school yard, the streets to school, the memories. It was Sunday, the school was empty as usual, and I realized my freedom was cut off in a huge amount. Those days where I can fight without anything to hold back, nothing to be afraid of, nothing to be worried about. I can run away and no one could hurt me. But right now, those freedom… there wasn’t a day where we can do something without anxiety building inside. It took years to build us, and it took one word to crush us. Irony. The world is an irony.

Seeing how much the school changes, the streets changes, and how the old school yard changes… it reminded me of how strong and scary changes can be. Lee Ji Eun would have shrieked and screamed her lungs out by now, but a simple bittersweet smile was enough to express it all for me. Lee Ji Eun… I missed that girl and the old days. And I truly wondered, if I could stand a chance in her heart… even in the next life.

The lockers were moved to the southern part of the school. It was bigger and the building was painted in white. I hated the color, it was boring. Half of the graffiti I used to draw was gone, only traces and half of them were hidden behind the white. They destroy a rebel’s memories. Revenge came to me, but it cost me too much. You know, a part of me wanted to laugh at this ridiculousness. Rebel doesn’t think of the side effects, and this rebel kept on thinking about this side-effect. Where had my rebellious side disappeared to?

Then, when I saw the old park behind the school, the hidden park, I saw it stayed the same. A single girl with glasses sat by the bench beneath the tree, reading this thick book in English, her long hair blown softly by the wind. She didn’t notice me and surprisingly it felt good. She reminded me of her. And again, reminded me of what I was doing. I was pondering.

Do I stand a chance?

I was rejected. Still, I wondered if I had a chance if the circumstances changed. Circumstances, it sounded lame as many things, as reasons, as lame excuses, as an irony. Circumstances… were lame. Still, I wondered if circumstances does matter that much. If I had known her first, would she fell for me first? Would I win her? I’d like to know. After all this rejections and countless struggles to let her go, I failed. Kim Myungsoo didn’t fit her. She was too good. Perhaps, if Kim Myungsoo fit her better, I’d have let her go long ago.

If she was my girlfriend, I’d have treated her better. I’d try my hardest not to make her cry. She wasn’t someone who cries easily, but she wasn’t someone strong either. She got hurt and each time it happened, she became acceptant to it. She refused to accept the fact that she was hurt and she sought no comfort, she always thinks it was part of her fault and she should do better. Kim Myungsoo will never understand that, but I do. I’d have realized it if she got hurt. I’d have comfort her silently. I’d have clear things up. I love her. For god’s sake, I love her.

If she was my girlfriend, I’d hold her every day. I’d think of her every single moment and cheer for her. I’d be spontaneous but also thoughtful for her. I’d be everything she needed. And on each fights we came to, I’d deal with it properly. There was no way I’d hit her the way he did. On days where everything grew tough for us, I’d run to her and exchange no words. Lee Ji Eun enjoyed silence, but I won’t let her feel lonely. Kim Myungsoo never did that, but I would.

And I’d… give up on my dreams just to be by her side. And… I’d… throw my life for her. And I’d… be hurt for her. And… I’d protect her. And I’d do everything for her. I would. I would.

This pondering thing – pondering, wondering, and wandering – made me feel like a hypocrite. An insane man, a fool, a hypocrite who was in love. I sounded like a hypocrite. The saying was true, if we fell in love, we never really notice how until we already fell. And there was something sweet and bitter about it, and it blew everything up in a good and bad way and there was no figuring out which was bad or good. And what I said about things I would do for her was hypocritical but true. I’d do everything for her. I would.

They said being the foolish one in love is the happiest. Being a fool will never makes you happy.

“Woohyun-ssi,” And then, the jerks came. I stopped.

“Suzy,” I barked back in a displeased tone. She laughed and shook her head. She knew what I had meant. “Nice to see you. Very nice.”

“Nice to see you, too.” She said. “What are you doing?” And again, it rearranged the messy thoughts inside my head. Why am I here? I was pondering.

“Thinking,” I snorted and she laughed. She didn’t like to laugh; I didn’t remember her being such a person. Her laugh grew nicer and better, genuine and sincere. She was no longer that fake person. I wondered if she realized she kissed the wrong person.

“A rebel thinks,” she teased and I shot her a look. “Kidding.” She flashed another smile, surprisingly nice. “I’m thinking too.”

“About what?”

“Life.”

“Life.”

“Yeah, life.”

“Hm.” And there was the long silence.

“Are you letting the scandal fill your mind?” She was walking by my side, one step farther.

“It’s his business. Nothing I care about.”

“Yeah.” She laughed, again. “Tell his girlfriend that I’m sorry I kissed him. Jieun told me they separated… so I didn’t know.” What a surprising fact. Still, this girl grew well and amusing.

“And you’re letting what? Life filled your mind?”

“Yeah,”

“Bad excuse.”

“I know, right.” She laughed again and waves her hand in front of my face. She sounded off. “It’s just… do you think we choose the right path? Sometimes, I wonder if this is my place. I was a jerk, and I regretted that. These days… I spent nights crying. There were nights when I want to sleep so badly. There were nights when everything stressed me out. There were nights I want to hang out. There were nights when I just want to stop. On days like this, I’d want to lead a normal life and see the changes took place. I want to date someone freely, I want to eat like everybody else, I want to get angry and cry a lot, laughs and make a fool out of me. It would be so much fun. I spent nights regretting a lot of things.”

“Yeah, right. You think of the nonsense. It’s what everybody feels.”

“Nah, I know. Just need a breath of fresh air.”

“Me too.”

“Do you think anything would have changed if we were in different circumstances?”

And it struck me right in the core. It was the question I’ve been avoiding as I pondered. And there, it came right through me. There was a long silence between us, as I brave myself to spot the answer.

“No.”